Who am I quitting for?

[Mumjane]

I feel I must share a major insight on the road to recovery. I am on Day 35, cold turkey quit using Allen Carr's book EASYWAY TO QUIT SMOKING and using this site and whyquit.com.

For a week I have been really suffering from inner debating, unbearable craving and part of me searching for any tiny excuse or scenario to justify picking up again. Sheer willpower kept me clean yesterday but it was awful. I finally asked myself what possible benefit could I be enjoying from torturing myself like this continuously throughout the day. I mean, there has to be some payoff for any activity we do repeatedly, no?

Anyway after some meditation, it occurred to me that I had to go back to my own inner soul to find and strengthen MY own reasons for stopping - for me this was tied up somehow in not letting others down, etc. Then I realized I am a grown up - I can choose to smoke if I want - it's legal. To heck with what my husband and others will think. What a cunning, baffling, powerful drug! I was shocked. By giving myself full permission to go ahead and relapse if I want to, I learned that I DON'T WANT TO - for me alone - not because of anything anyone else thinks or expects of me.

I realized immediately I am already experiencing huge benefits from not smoking for whatever reason:
    No more morning hacking and brown phelgm
    No more smelly clothes, hair, breath
    No more being unable to cough effectively if choking
    No more roller coaster blood sugar wows
    No more entrenching upper lip furrows (!) - a big one
     and ....I AM ALREADY THROUGH THE PHYSICAL WITHDRAWAL!!!!!!

Whew. This review may have turned the tables for me. I am no longer willing to TORTURE myself with thoughts of going back - and they must be psychological because I am so past the physical withdrawal.  Why on earth would I be so mean to myself! From now on I will speak (audibly if necesary) to the ND voice and tell it to get lost - I am safe, I am free, Iam a beautiful and joyous nonsmoker! Yay!

Sorry about the length of the post but I had to crystallize this vision in my mind by sharing it. Good day all!

[kathyjo]

Wow! You voiced the struggles that most of us go through daily! I'm so glad you verbalized it and I hope that we all benefit from your insight. Good job!
Quitting is a huge step and staying quit is probably the most important thing we will do in our lives. It is hard and it gets ugly but in the end, the rewards are well worth the daily struggles : )

[Jade59]

That was a great post!  And really helpful to me.  It's all about being good to yourself isn't it.  Look at the encouragement we give others.  We need to take our own advice and say those same things to ourselves.  

Mumjane.....I read your comment below about being so scared before you quit.  I can totally relate to that because when I quit back in July, it was the first time I really set my sights on quitting and I was so scared, I cried!   And cried!  

LOL, that's very amusing to look back on now.

Stay strong!!!!!