Problems with 'getting the sample'

[piababy]

Hi All,
Hope this question is not a case of too much information but here goes......
DH and I had an IUI yesterday and aside from the proceedure the biggest stress was for my DH. I wont go into all the details and after a long stuggle he got there. It was the pressure of having to perform and anxiety about 'letting me down' which seems to have gotten to him.  However, my question here is how do we repair the damage to both our self confidences? I sincerely hope that the  little distance which opened up between us yesterday is a temporary situation and that we will be back as close as ever very soon. We didnt have a fight, but what was possibly worse, we each went into our own little corner to try and figure things out. I think we both felt the other saw them  not as a the human being they loved but as parts of baby making machine. Have others run into this problem and how did they get around it and rebuild their relationship. I guess I should have seen something like this occuring, but it never entered my head. Every day on the TTC trail there seems to be new angle. Basically how do couples survive the stain???? An DH and I have not even gotten on the IVF train yet, that delight awaits us in Sept.....

[jakl726]

funny i experienced the same.  as we get older we never think we will go down the assisted reproductive route, but it happens.  now we are here and we have to deal with it the best we can and hope the person we chose to have a baby with is on the same page with us.

my husband, though a doctor, is very conservative.   i'd say prude to some degree.  masturbating is not his thing, so giving a sample by himself was tough, much less doing it in the doctor's clinic.  the first few cycles, we did it at home with me helping him out by doing some foreplay.  the last two cycles, i was just physically drained (and i think i was partly resentful that all he is required to do physically is to give a sample).  we had a long talk (i initiated it) and i explained that i understand how he feels and that i too do not enjoy being probed every few days, spreading my legs for people to be probed, being poked regularly with the lab people knowing that i'm ttc.  and all this on top of all the meds and injections (which i might mention i do not like needles much less do the shots myself - but i had to learn and face my fears b/c no one can give me the shots, not even my doctor huband).   my dh realized that there are more physical demand from me than from him.  i also assured him that i'm okay if he tells me he doesn't want to go through this or continue and i wasn't about to ruin my marriage b/c of this.  so if we were not on the same page, i was ready to stop.  in the end... the last two cycles... he managed to do it by himself.  unlike others, i tried to keep him informed every step of the way... from ovulation through medications, etc.  so he understands that he is not alone in this whole thing.  it also tells me where he stands. :)  i guess it is different for everyone.

funny, when my DH was able to give a sample on his own without me... i got concerned that he wouldn't need me anymore.  and i thought i created a new person.  i told him he shouldn't get used to that b/c i feel i'm not needed ... lol.  i was teasing him of course... well kind of...

about having sex for the purpose of just ttc.  i was there too.  sex to my dh is the whole nine yards.  he cannot have sex with me to just give me the sperm and be done with and physically i cannot have sex everyday (or more than once a day) because i get sore.  so i had to explain this to my husband that though i want to have sex as many times as needed, with him wanting to do the whole nine yards, my body couldn't and i get sore.  so asked him if we can 'sometimes' just have sex (a quickie) just so i can have the sperm, conceive, and so we can move on with our lives.  i assured him that this is temporary and that it wouldn't be this way all the time.  again, i wouldn't proceed if he wasn't on the same page with me.  he got it and he understood. :)))

well i rambled again... i'm glad you and your dh had a good talk about this and have arrived on the same page.  i think it makes your marriage/relationship stronger, especially if you are doing this without other people knowing.  you have to be able to talk to your partner. :))

[piababy]

Thanks for the feedback! DH and I finally laughed when he noted that with what they were charging for the 'cup' is should have been made of waterford crystal and the ultimate joke was that he was supposed to fill it himself!!!!!  

[TreeFrog7]

Hi Pia,

Glad you and your DH were able to talk. Rest assured that this very same thing happens to EVERYbody (that is, everybody with any normal sensitivity) who goes through this.

I'm like Sherri - when going the BD route I try not to mention that I'm O'ing because the DH is sensitive and I want everything to be natural. And, of course, making a sample in a cup isn't very natural, so that's an even bigger challenge. I think the best bet is to see the humour in it and try to make it lighthearted. After all, it's a baby we're after. DH's sprem doesn't have to solve world hunger, and there's no need for stress. Trying to make a baby is intrinsically very positive and can be fun (and funny) however you do it.

Best wishes,
~Wendy

[Sherri90049]

I was hoping that it might happen exactly as you said, where the difficulty of the situation  would spark a dialogue where you could both talk about your feelings and how overwhelmed you are, and then you would each feel better after getting out all of your feelings and then be even closer afterwards because you were able to communicate about something so difficult. That's great! Communication is EVERYTHING in a relationship! This sure tested yours and you guys passed with flying colors!

Hope the next attempt goes smoother for you guys! Hang in there! This will happen, just might take a little bit longer than we'd like. But if we can be super patient, we will be rewarded in the end. Sometimes I think that those of us that are having trouble are for a reason, like there are still things that we needed to learn before we were ready to have a baby. And as fa as coming to this maturity in our 40's? Better late than never! Any way, glad it worked out well! :)

Sherri

[piababy]

Hi Sherri,
Thanks so much for the pep talk and sound advice! Both DH and I were just a little bit shell shocked by the whole thing. We've had a good talk about it and were amazed to find just how traumatic we both found the process. Both of us felt that we were letting the other down, that our sexuality had suddenly nosedived and dwe would never just plain makelove agian as two people in love and not just engaging in a BD. The funny we thought that we were prepared and understood that it would be traumatic, but theres nothing like being that soldier!  But at least now we are together in the same service which is a good outcome. We feel even closer and a bit more prepared to understand that there will be awful moments but we will survive. Isnt it strange to have finally in our 40's to have come to this maturity!!! Any ways here we are in the TWW........
Pia

[Sherri90049]

That must be a really common problem! I've been so worried about it becoming too much about making a baby, that I actually don't even tell my BF that I'm ovulating. I just initiate BDing and then mention afterwards that I'm O'ing. So I've been lucky so far with regard to this issue! We have not done an IUI yet. But since this journey is likely to be a long one, we will probably be facing this type of thing soon.

We are very fortunate in one respect. We live about a mile from the lab/RE office. So we're going to collect the sample for the SA at home. I don't know if the IUI sample is collected in the same way, but is there any way where it could be done at home and then quickly brought in to your RE office for the procedure? Maybe he wouldn't be "on the spot" so much if you guys were at home.

I'm sure that it's just a temporary situation where you guys each just needed to sort out how you feel about it. Hopefully your communication is normally good. You should let him know that you understand and that maybe if you guys sit down and talk about it, you can put your heads together and come up with creative ways to alleviate the incredible amount of pressure. Maybe you guys could start to be intimate at home prior to the appointment (where he can focus on pleasuring you) and then stop, so he has something he can have in his mind (having been aroused recently by you) when he arrives there to give the sample?

Just throwing out stuff! Would probably help alot if I had done an IUI or knew more about how it worked. But I just wanted to offer whatever advice I could, since there weren't any responses. It's a great question, of course, and must be a very common issue. I hope you guys will be able to get through it. It will be a good test of your communication skills, though. I would try to minimize the negativity of the incident, too. (as much as possible) Try to make light of it maybe? Tell him that you feel badly that he had to be put on the spot like that and you want to figure out how to accomplish what needs to be accomplished but have it be easier for him. Good luck!