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what would you do
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what would you do

My brother's wife is disrespectful towards my mom and good to my father.My mom was initially possessive about my brother when they had got married but now she is very good to my sister-in-law.Still I find the sister in  law to be disrespectful.I ask my mother to have minimal contact but she would not listen as she has weakness for my brother and her grand child(now 1 year).Its goos that we all meet only in vacations.
I really feel insulted at her openly trying to talk in bad manner with my mom.I do not have a great relation with ,y brother to discuss this with him and if I do may be they end up quarreling which will be crap.
I thought the best solution was if my mother preserved her dignity and was detached then the brother;s wife would not have a mouth to talk crap.But my mom gets involved because of the grand child.
I am so angry that I have thought never to contact my brother and that lady.I feel the situation is a mess.I will ignore all of them but I do not want my mom to be disregarded and its not possible for me to make her understand the situation.What should I do????
8 Comments Post a Comment
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13167_tn?1327197724
I think you shouldn't further make your mom's life difficult by complaining all the time that she has a good relationship with your brother and his child.

She's a grandma.  Of COURSE she wants to make things nice with the daughter in law so she can enjoy her precious grandchild.

If you want to lighten the load a little for your mom,  stop bringing this up and demanding that she distance herself from your brother.
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3243092_tn?1354709067
Thanks for taking the time to read and reply.

But the comment 'complaining all the time was uncalled for' ;
In my opinion 'enjoying precious grand child ' at the expense of being disrespected by the child's mother is not acceptable;This kind of attchment should not be considered to be happiness but just as weakness.

Thannk you anyways!!!
I really hope I do get some positive replies even of contradicting opinions but which are not offensive.
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13167_tn?1327197724
I didn't think my response was offensive  at all - I just think that your mother's relationship with your brother,  his wife and their baby is really hers to decide,  and if you're trying to make life better for her and make her feel more respected,  you could start by treating her with deference and respect.

It must be painful for her,  to have made the decision to make the best of the relationship with her daughter in law,  and then to have you taking offense at it and causing her further grief.

Honestly,  I think if you'll sit with this for a long time and really think it through, this is more a sibling rivalry issue than an issue where you hurt because your mother isn't being respected.  I'm sensing very strong sibling rivalry here,  and anger that your brother's family hasn't fallen out of her graces.

And that,  too,  is not meant to be offensive,  but something that might help you clarify why you are behaving this way to your mother.

Best wishes.
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3243092_tn?1354709067
Thank you again Rose.You are my mom's age and am sure you speak out of your own experience for me to benefit in some way;But the tone of your statement could not be appreciated by me when you said 'I was increasing my other;s problem'-this  believe to a wrong assumtin on your part.

And no, my mother and myself dissconnected after our marraiges but there aint any rivalry;just to have a hassle free no drama life.

I have already mentioned in my post that mom was initally possessive and would share with us how she was being disrespected by my brother's wife ;I because of this simply asked my mother to mind her business and be loving and less expecting;But again I see her wanting to get involved with that lady who is now openly trying to disrespect her;though she is cordial to the rest of the family;

And even though my brother and myself are disconnected but still we love each other and care;And I really do not comprehend what is sibling rivalry at this age;we quarrlled when we were 10 or 12 yrs old;This is humorous at least in my context;I am sure it happens elsewhere ;

My sole concern is how to handle this delicate situation;I cannot tell my sister-in-law anything for fear she will not take it in the right way;My mom just wont understand that she just has to take care of herself and stop this nonsense;

I a sure no daughter can take their mother being talked at rudely by anybody.
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3243092_tn?1354709067


Thank you again Rose.You are my mom's age and am sure you speak out of your own experience for me to benefit in some way;But the tone of your statement could not be appreciated by me when you said 'I was increasing my other;s problem'-this  I believe to be a wrong assumption  made by you.

And no, my brother and myself dissconnected after our marraiges but there aint any rivalry;just to have a hassle free no drama life.

I have already mentioned in my post that mom was initally possessive and would share with us how she was being disrespected by my brother's wife ;I because of this simply had asked my mother to mind her business and be loving and less expecting;Things chnaged for good after days;But again I see her wanting to get involved with that lady who is now openly trying to disrespect her;though she is cordial to the rest of the family;

And even though my brother and myself are disconnected but still we love each other and care;And I really do not comprehend what is sibling rivalry at this age;we quarrlled when we were 10 or 12 yrs old;This is humorous at least in my context;I am sure it happens elsewhere ;

My sole concern is how to handle this delicate situation;I cannot tell my sister-in-law anything for fear she will not take it in the right way;My mom just wont understand that she just has to take care of herself and stop this nonsense;

I a sure no daughter can take their mother being talked at rudely by anybody.
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13167_tn?1327197724
Yes,  you're right,  I speak out of my own experience.  ;'D

My sister in law is kind of an odd duck.  She had been disrespectful to my parents,  and I am the only one in the family that she warmed up to - I was her matron of honor at their wedding (she had no friends,  and still has no friends even 20 years later) so as her fiance's sister,  I served as her only attendant in her wedding.  

She's always been gracious toward me,  the rest of my family,  not so much.  

But when they had a child we all did everything we could to keep her placated,  because everyone wanted continued access to the darling grandson and to my brother.

Your reaction is the exact opposite, is what I'm saying.  Instead of boosting up your mother's chance of having a good relationship with your brother and her grandson,  you seek to have them cut off.

I may be wrong here.  But I'm seeing what looks like some kind of rivalry between you and your brother.

I've been wrong before and could be wrong now.  Just my 2 cents.
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3243092_tn?1354709067
ok :)

May be you arev right,I will help my mom boost up and the family to get nearer to them however bad the situation is.

But youbarevwrong about the sibling rivalry thing.Its difficult to pour my family situation here in my posts.To summarize: In your case sis-in-law was  initially colder to all and just good to you;while in my case, she is ok with all and disrespectful just to my mom;We are all good to her;She perhaps cannot let go my mom's initial possessiveness and is taking all possible ways verbally to disrespect her.That is unbearable.
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Avatar_f_tn
Maybe it would help of your mother spoke to her daughter inlaw...had a heart to heart. Apilogized to her for being so overbearing in the beginning or whatever she may have done. ( sister inlaw only acts this way toward s her.....she may be acting this way cause she is hurt.) Then she can ask to have a better relationship with her and both can start yreating eachothet with respect.
I think communication is key. She should confront her about it and not share so much with you because it will only make you angry to hear about this. Besides if anyone should take pat in this conversation it should be your brother not you. No offence just mean that as herr husband he should be the one trying to help things out and keep the peace.
What you can do is encourage your mother to speak with this lady and make the relationship better
I agree when there are problems or arguments in the marriage your mother, should stay out of it. She has no place here. She may have done allot of harm already. Something she needs to recognize...even apologizefor if she wants to continue to have a relationship with them.
I think its great that they have not shun herr out already. They try to honor hey by allowing her to be in their lives. that's hard to do
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