Husband wont have sex with me!!

[LONELYANDBROKEN]

My husband and I have been together for three years. At first our sex lives were great all except he wouldn't let me give him oral sex. This lasted a few months and then slowly our sex has dwindled down to three times a month, then one time a month and now, today I was informed that I should just be thankful for what we have and not think about having sex any longer. This has tore me up inside. I feel so broken and hurt.He rarely gives me a peck on the mouth when he leaves for work and pets the dog more than he even touches me. I'm so sad. I just don't understand what's going on. He says that he has no desire to have sex anymore. I feel this is selfish of him not to want to please me at least. I'm just at my wits end.

lonely and broken

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

    My guess is he is having sex elsewhere- with either a man or a woman. He is being one nasty S.O.B. with you- depriving you, making you feel like an unwelcome visitor in your own house, and telling you what you have to settle for-- what is this guy, an emperor?

    You really need to get out of there. Go see a lawyer, a counselor-- and if that is too expensive for you , go to a woman's shelter or the YWCA or some place that understands mistreatment of women and can give you advice, emotional support and perhaps some legal information to help you proceed.

   This isn't just about sex-- it's about contempt. He is treating the dog better than he treats you- are you going to stand for that?  Find a girlfriend, your mother, anyone you trust- tell them what you are going through and let them help you out of this- or at the very least- into counseling.. My quick guess ( and of course I don't know enough to give a fullly responsible opinion) is that the marriage is over and that he is emotionally and sexually engaged elsewere- but for some reason wants to keep you around. Maybe there are some good things between you-- but no one should be in a sexless three year old marriage-- and told that sex is over. That's not a marriage- don't kid yourself that it is.

   Please, please- take care of yourself and your life. Get some on site counseling and get some backbone - and carefully plan your next steps. It might mean getting in counseling with him- it might mean just finding out how to leave the marriage- or it might even mean having him followed to find out what is really going on.  I can't tell you what to do from here- but I can tell you this is not a situation you should accept.

[swirlingcoffee]

Unfortunately, I'm like your husband and reading your post enabled me to empathize more with what my wife is going through.  I do still give her a lot of affection, but the desire for sex is gone.

It's a very weird thing for a guy to experience, having pursued sex with lustful intensity for so many years.  Your confidence goes, you feel abnormal, you feel the pressure of not "pleasing your woman", you're embarassed, but all the anxiety just makes your sexual organs feel more dead and disconnected from your body.  I know you think it's selfish, but remember, on a very fundamental level, it's harder for a man to please his woman when he's having issues (purely from an erectile perspective), than it is for a woman.  Granted, that's the basest level.

If my wife showed more concern for my feelings, asked interested questions about what was going on, and generally seemed more loving and concerned with me, it would help a lot.  The harping on the sex issue makes it so much worse, because in part it really starts to feel like I'm not loved, it's just about her.

I'd ask him if he still masturbates, that will clue you in to whether it's more a relationship issue or a personal issue with himself.

Also, make sure you're focusing on how much you, yourself actually needs sex to be happy, rather than benchmarking against what you think is "normal" from what you hear from friends, on TV, movies, etc.  No one talks openly about what's really going on, so it's a false benchmark.  It's like thinking your neighbor makes more than you because they have a nicer car.

Good luck

[losgusanos]

wow, I can't believe this thread.

Sex and passion are up in the top 2 main things in a relationship in my opinion.

Let me say it from a point of view of a husband in a 13 year marriage, that if I was with someone that thought the same as me it would be a hell of a lot better.

My opinion is that what separates the person you got married to from all the others? Sure, it is love, laughter, common interests...but isn't part of it the physical attraction to each other, and feeling comfortable enough to be intamate in different places, anyplace, anytime?

Trust me, if all of us were in the dating field, and we were all 100% honest with the other people we dated, the people that said "sex is overrated", and quoting the last poster "The harping on the sex issue makes it so much worse," (like that statement won't kill what you have left?. people that HONESTLY would say those things when dating would find themselves in one of 2 situations.

Either, single for their entire life, OR partnered with another that thinks the same. But guess what? that NEVER happens, because people go into this commited relationship BOTH saying they want sex, then usually if not ALWAYS 1 of them changes the rules and backs off.

Then the other person doesn't only feel rejected...but , usually is also blamed for " harping on the sex issue ," its a cruel situation to be in.

Trust me, if I found someone that thought the same as me, not only would I be with them in bed doing anything whenever they wanted...but, our relationship would have less stress, more bonding, and everything that makes a relationship strong.

Sorry for the vent, I just can't comprehend this kind of thinking.

[swirlingcoffee]

"can't comprehend that thinking" is really saying you can't empathize.  And when you can't empathize, you might want to tread a little lighter around peoples' feelings.

Cheers

[losgusanos]

I actually will admit, I worded that extremelly wrong and I do appologize.

What I should have said, is that my wife has said that to me countless times, and it has made me extremelly frustrated. I truly meant that to be in the context of my relationship because I have heard the same words to me and I can't understand where she is coming from .

But, it is common, and I didn't mean truly for it to come across the way it did.
I'm sorry again.
Again, it is definately a normal situation in many relationships.

[NoNamesPlease]

My husband and I have a wonderful rapport, we very rarely fight, we're constantly physically affectionate (tickling, touching, hand-holding, kissing), communicate easily with each other, voluntarily spend the majority of our free time together, and are apparently happily in love as best friends and spouses. He tells me often that I'm his 'soul mate'.

However, he seems to have no interest in having sex with me. I have kept my figure at size 5 (currently dieting to get to 3 because this issue is breaking my heart and I hope that will help). He is about 50 lbs overweight; one of his 'excuses' is that it's too much effort to have sex, it tires him out. He's 52, I'm 55. We have no kids or pets at home to prevent us from having sex at any time. I've had cosmetic surgery and look a comfortable 10 years younger than I am. He finds energy to very actively work in our garden (for several hours at a time, hard, physical labor), putz around the house fixing things, or fish, his favorite activity.

He had a comprehensive physical 4 months ago; he's very healthy (as am I). Neither of us have any 'conditions'. He dutifully asked the doctor for Viagra, although he doesn't really need it, and we've put it to use three times. He says Viagra makes him sleepy. He prefers oral sex, which I'm very happy to provide, and he says he enjoys. However, he flatly refuses to ever return 'the favor'. He also disdains the missionary position, which he'll only do grudgingly ("can we stop now?"), preferring rear (vaginal) entry. So, even with Viagra, sex is a chore for him, and when we're done, he'll inevitably ask if I'm "happy now?". I don't think I nag him, because I want him to want to do it of his own volition. But these last three times, I had to suggest it. Earlier this afternoon, he promised me tonight we'd 'go blue' (Viagra is a blue pill). He apparently forgot. He said he was distracted because he barbequed dinner (hmm, he does that often and it took all of 30 minutes), and of course, he HAD to watch The Bridge on the River Kwai when he discovered it was on TV.

What the hell is his problem? When I have asked this question (in a nice way, of course, I am NOT nasty or nagging), he kisses me, holds me, tells me he loves me, and promises he'll be more interested. I've been through that too many times to believe him. I am at my wits end, I've wept about it a few times (when he's not around), and vowed to contact an old boyfriend, which makes me angry, but I've really had it.

[shadowsting]

I'm sorry to say this but I'm glad you all have posted this. It makes me feel like its not just me. My husband is the same way. We have a good relationship except that I want sex 4-7 times a week and he doesn't want it at all. It was a slow tapering because at first it was daily or more and now almost 3 years later its been months. Reading this makes me more depressed because it seems that there is no hope but at least its not just me.

[whatisay]

Wow- the first repsone is he is having sex somewhere else(and to boot you suggest he is having sex with a man).  Wow, that is simply irresponsible.  When this woman says to her man you are gay, do you know what that will do- I do because it happened to me.  I was crushed.  My wife wnated sex on her terms her terms alone and drove me away from her.  Insults and worse.  Do you really think someone want to have sex with you when you insult them?  I stuck around because I lvoe my wife and while Idecided I could not change her I would try to be better,  I would work on things I could improve, whether at her suggestion or my own.  I ask her how her day is, I try to show interest in her activiities, I try to build an emotional connection( which she say is absent about every 6 months when she has to much to drink.  Of course this turns into why I don't make that conneciton, why it is my fault we grew distant and how she is perfect)  Whe I talk to her she shuts down.  If i try to offer a story about my day something I found funny, she show utter boredom, boarding on contempt for me wating her time.  Yet I endure.  If she wants to tell me about her day, I listen and not just to feign interest, but to listen and aks questions and to see if there is anything I can do about whatever the topic is.  Yet she still wonders why it is difficult for me to have a constant erection for her.  She has gone so far as to say it is just sex-That's great, I replacable by any penis around- which by the way has happened.  
The reason I tell this tale-go ahead balme him, attack him, call him a liar, a cheater and gay.  Lets see if he wants to have sex with you more often.  Would you?

[Kevin88]

I have a question but i dont have credit card so im doing this here.  In my attemps to lessen the amount of noise i make when i masturbate i began to place my thumb on the big vein. for a while it was good, but after a year or two a brown spot apperead.  it looks kinda like dry skin but its a patch on the left side.  now i cant acheive a full erection anytime and im afraid this will effect my sexual preformance with a woman. what is this and what should i do? please help and please dont delete this. oh and if it matters i am 16

[Groovy One]

Apart from the previous post, which is totally unrelated to this thread, I have found the comment very intesting.

My husbands and I have bit problems.  We have been together for 10 years and married for 5.  We have 2 kiddies (ages 4.5 and 3).  

My husband is not interested in sex much at all.  9 times out of 10 I have to initiate.  Over the years I have been rejected for reasons such as "i'm tired, I have a soccer graze, I have to get up early in the morning, I'm watching TV" etc.  

The problems have been there since mid 1999, so that's 8 years now.  All this time I keep thinking that it cannot possibly be this way, that things will improve.  But, they are not improving.

I have always tried to discuss things with my husband.  He says there are no issues and not to 'pressure him'.  I think questioning his sex drive after he has not approached me for 2 months is a valid question ..........?  The reason why 2 months passes is because I become so drained from asking, asking, asking that sometimes I think....."I'll see how long it goes if I do nothing, don't ask".

My husband travels for work.  When he goes away for 1-2 weeks - he usually gets home, says hello, i missed you, talks to me for 10minutes, then has a shower and goes to bed.  I'll be left sitting on the couch thinking ..... riiiiight.

When he travels for work, I do not miss him.  I miss the assistance with the kids, but I do not miss him as a person.  I guess, because there is nothing for me to really miss about him.

He is a great dad to the kids - quite caring and likes playing with them.

We are in counselling at the moment.  I am very open with things and have said to my husband before counselling, and to the counsellor (with my husband present) that the only things I can think of are (1) he has a low sex drive (2) he is cheating on me (3) he is gay.  The counsellor asked my husband if any ot those fit and he said no.  I have no issues with my sex dive, I find my wife sexually attractive.  The counsellor is trying to help work out what is going on here.

He cannot exploain his lack of desire.  Nor does he want to.  He simply says "we have a good sex life, my sex drive is fine".  We last had sex 7 weeks ago - initiated by me.

I feel so drained, tired and helpless.  I keep thinking that he is gay.  My mum thinks he may be.  New friends that meet him think he may be.

I do not know WHAT to do!  It doesn't help things when I have other men approaching me.  I am a size 2, natural looking and generally a nice, open person I guess.  I could never have an affair,