Angry 21 month old very aggressive speech delay etc

[florida23]

My son is 21 months and is having a lot of anger and aggression. The pediatrician says that his speech delay is probably due to being in a billingual environment. He says a few words but doesn't actually tell me what he wants. It's more jesturing, finger pointing and pushing me to an area to show me. I try to get him to tell me but he refuses. When you tell him ‘No’ he yells back, speaks angry words of jibberish (as if he were to be telling you mean things), doubles up his fist and shakes it at you, throws things and hits. When it comes to time out and in public he makes himself limp and throws major temper tantrums. He gets upset very easily when he plays with his toys and throws them. For no reason he will start to whine and cry and it gets frustrating for me because it is constant. I try to guess what he wants and sometimes it's nothing, sometimes I figure it out, and sometimes he'll just stop. When I leave the room and am out of sight, he totally freaks out. He screams and cries as if someone is seriously hurting him. He has a tendency to be very clingy and pinches/pokes to hurt . Most of the behavior started after a 1 week trip without our son whereby his Aunt (normal babysitter) took care of him.  Upon my return, my son had become more aggressive and angry. He began banging his head on the floor repeatedly and throwing himself backwards hitting the back of his head. I seriously wanted a helmet for him as this was taking place on the concrete sidewalk outside and everywhere else. It was like he wasn't satisfied until he made contact. That went on from April-May 2008. It seemed to have stopped just as quickly as it had started.   It is now July 2008 and although the head banging has ceased all other issues above continue.
my question is is if this is normal toddler behavior or is it something to be concerned about and if so what do you recommend? And what can I do to get him more speech developed? Thank you

[Rebecca Resnik, PsyD]

Hello,
    bilingual household or not, your son is demonstrating significant symptoms of emotional and behavioral issues. This level of disruptive behavior is more than most parents are coping with as part of typical two year old behaviors. Children who can not express themselves are often more likely to exhibit frustration and undesirable behavior, so language delay is an important issue to address.

   Though bilingual children are sometimes delayed in their expressive language, it is not clear that this is the only explanation for all of the difficulty he is having. You can read a nice summary of the research as well as very practical advice for raising in bilingual child in the excellent book The Bilingual Edge by Allison Mackey.  Aside from that, I recommend you make an appointment with a psychologist who specializes in early childhood to determine if you son is exhibiting early signs of a developmental delay. You can access assessment by psychologists and speech language pathologists through your county's special education 'early intervention' or 'infants and toddlers' program. Major pediatric hospitals also have staff who specialize in assessment of very young children. Assessment results will help you access early childhood intervention services such as speech language therapy or psychotherapy.

    Your assessment results will also help you plan an intervention for getting his undesirable behaviors under control and making your life more manageable. You will want to work with a psychologist, applied behavior analyst, or licensed counselor to learn to help your son. Ask for 'parent guidance' 'parent coaching' or 'parent management training' to let the person know what kind of therapy you are seeking.

Best Wishes
Rebecca Resnik

[florida23]

Thank you for your repsonse. I have an appointment for him on Aug 18 for an evaluation. He is getting worse. i recently started him at his first daycare center. The very first day the called me within 3 hours asking me if i had ever sween him interact with other children. He is pulling hair pushing them and deliberatley throwing toys at their heads and hitting them hard for no reason. they said that he is out of control and he is throwing himself down on the floor. At home he is yelling at me more and throwing things and i don't know what to do. i am going crazy I have tried everything i can think of. i can't handle him and he is only 21 months old!

[Rebecca Resnik, PsyD]

Hello,
   sorry to hear things are getting worse. You can always call the clinicians and ask them to put you first in line for any cancellations, and maybe something will open up sooner. Until then keep careful notes on what you are seeing and try to get lots of support from other adults so you can manage your own stress level. Focus on keeping him from hurting you or anyone else. You may want to ask the director of the daycare if he/she has any ideas to try to make the transition any easier--or at least ask if they will let him stay until you get the evaluation done.

Good luck
Rebecca Resnik

[Rika1123]

Hold him.  spend time with him.  If you can, put everything else aside and spend a whole weekend with him and focus all your attention on your child.  I think he needs reassurance.  He is insecure and needs to know that mommy is there for him.  Be as calm as possible; he senses your frustration and anxiety.    Just see if there is a difference after a couple of days.