5 year old out of control

[horizonflight]

I have a son who just turned 5.  Eversince he's been approximately 1-1/2 years old my husband and I have noticed that he starts with nasty horrible temper tantrums.  We were both military at the time and any time ANYONE stepped out of the house, particularly my husband or I, my son would start throwing a really nasty tantrum that could last for at least an hour.  This would occur EVERY time someone stepped out.  If he saw one of us get into our vehicles to run to the gas station or the store he would flip out.  We thought that those were the beginning stages of the very well known "terrible two's", but quickly realized that his behavior wasn't getting better and started lashing out at daycare, particularly with temper tantrums as well.  The tantrums continue even now and can also last up to an hour, if not longer.  He's a very bright young boy and very smart, but is dead set in a daily routine, which, if broken, will set him off.  He's unable to deal with change.  He's very possessive of objects or the clothes he wears.  For instance, he has an Elmo sweater that he can't wear during the summer for obvious reasons.  He refused to do anything without that sweater and would lose it.  He had to sleep with it, if not on, he had to hold it.  When the bus picks him up, it's usually the short bus, but sometimes it's the bigger bus.  He freaks out because of a simple change in routine.  He's used to driving one way to school, but when he's dropped off or picked up by either of us, he quickly changes demeanor and realizes the difference in route, another change he's unable to adapt to.  Several posts I've read speak about inability to cope with "no" or "not right now" or "in a minute", and I've experienced the very same problems with him.  He currently attends an early childhood development school at which we were told that he will not be able to progress to regular kindergarten as most other children his age and will likely either require additional therapy of some sort, or go to a "special" kindergarten with children who exert similar behavioral problems.  Unfortunately we're STILL waiting to get him diagnosed on what's wrong with him.  Of course reading about it gives more fear of all the "potentials" that are out there and many different signs and symptoms of what all point towards ADHD and autism.  I know that both are an ASD, and no real signs and symptoms can be written on paper like they can for most other common illnesses or infections, but what traits should I be looking for?  He's got a mild speech development issue called "stopping /f/" which falls under the eliminiation of phonological processes.  Additionally, where most children his age can count at least to ten, it took us a year plus to teach him to count from one to five.  That, in addition to his behavioral and routine problems have me worried.  Should he have overcome such development issues by now?  I'm at witts end and I don't know what else to do.  Someone please help?

[benjimom]

Some children are just highly sensitive, it doesn't take much to push them over the edge.  My son is like this, very highly sensitive.  I try to keep things much teh same to avoid disrupting him, etc.

[Sandman2]

A five year old child will not be able to "realize" the way he is, especially if it is anxiety driven.  Heck, a lot of adults have trouble figuring that out.  That is why special care must be taken to reduce the anxiety.  Check out the anxiety forum on this site for ideas.

[benjimom]

My son focuses on things he likes, he tries not to focus on things he doesn't like.

[horizonflight]

I've spoken with his dad already.  I know it seems like a lot of inconsistency, and maybe an adult's perception of the ongoing issues is different when in comparison to the actual problem set my son is facing in his mind.  Unfortunately he's unresponsive in such areas and doesn't "realize" he's being the way he is.  I just don't know what to do.

benjimom:  He's in the process.  I don't know what's taking them so long to make an evaluation, he's been attending this school since October.  Unfortunately I do not have direct influence since I'm not there.  

allmymarbles:  He's of very high intelligence.  He's an extremely smart child.  He just doesn't have focus except on what he wants to focus on.  He's got an exceptional memory as well.

[benjimom]

Has he been evaluated for learning disabilities.  My son who is five took a little while to learn to count too, but now he's got it and is getting better everyday!

[allmymarbles]

You don't mention ift he is of normal intelligence. If there is a deficit in this area it might explain some of his behavioral problems.

[Sandman2]

   Ok, a lot more info here.  While you and your husband have not moved a lot,  there has been a lot of change in his life.
   Moving from Germany is one.  A new sibling is another.  Dad deploying.  Mom deploying at least twice.  Move to grandparents home.  And you are on deployment now?  All of this happening in what - the last 3 years?  I do think this has made a difference.  Being in a stable situation for awhile should help, but I don't think it will happen overnight.  I agree with Natta that severe anxiety (due to the above) is the problem.  I'm not sure how to attack that one.  But I would think that making Dad, and the grandparents aware of what could be causing the problem would be helpful.  I think It might temper the way they could treat him.  I would think he needs a lot of consistency, and love.  And if you are not already doing so (and you are deployed), doing a very regular "skype" visit with him.  Hope some of this helps.  Maybe others can chime in.  

[horizonflight]

I will see what I can accomplish through the school system.  At current there are no expenses to be paid considering this is a state-run facility.  I've emphasized for my husband to complete these tasks so I may enroll him into the Exceptional Family Member Program the military offers as I am on Active Duty.  The military pays for such facilitation and medical costs.  It's just difficult to get someone to see him at his age.

[horizonflight]

At the time my husband and I were both military and since he's been born there have been only two moves.  One move was from Germany to the US prior to these issues.  Then I was pregnant with my daughter and my husband went on a field rotation which is where it all began.  Ever since I have been able to control him what-so-ever.  Shortly after the return from the field exercise I had my daughter and he deployed.  Since then I've deployed twice and prior to my most recent deployment both my children moved with their grandmother.  My husband got out of the service and currently resides with them and his parents.  It just doesn't seem to get better.  I will definitely try the list idea and see if this is something that works for us as well.  He has an excellent memory, considering he talks about where he used to live in detail (as much as he's able to speak where we can actually understand him) and he relates many things to the way they were at the old home.

Thank you for your help.

[Natta1980]

You've mentioned that he has started having tantrums while you were in a military? Have you moved a lot? Sometimes moving around can worsen obsessive behaviors in children

My son had tantrums when one of us left when we just moved, and also developed many obsessive behaviors. The same when he started school - he would be obsessed with particular toy, and completely loose it if there was a change in routine

You are not mentioning his social skills

Sounds while he does not have much of a speech problem, he may have a problem with memory

Autism, ADHD, or not, your major issue now is severe anxiety, which could be co-morbid with any of the above, or just a stand alone problem

Check out social stories and - they are very useful for preparing children to deal with change
You can even draw them youself. (I.e. him getting up, having breakfast, going to school, having to ride a small or big bus)

I also use "lists" for less structured weekends - we sit down in the morning and decide what we will do, then we write it down and cross things off the list as we go. This way he sees what's coming next. You can even draw it if writing is not attracting his attention.

I find visual reminders VERY helpful - I need them myself (and we, adults, have them in one form or another) - but for our son, it was the only thing than solved his bedtime problem @ the age of 4.


Good luck  by all means - I feel for you

[Sandman2]

Wow,  I do feel for you.  I've been posting to this forum and the child behavior forum for over 3 years and this is different.  Tantrums are not unusual for young kids.  Tantrums that go on this long and for all the reasons you mention are more unusual. Having said that bright kids will quickly pick up on how to get their way.  They are very adapt at out waiting their parents to get their way.  Having said that the inability to get from 1 to 5 is unusual.  You haven't given many of the normal autism traits, but I think that is because of your focus on his tantrums (which can be a trait) which is very understandable.  I would do some more research on the autism side.  The inability to deal with a change in routine has me a bit baffled.  Hopefully, some other members will read and post to this.
   There are good books out there for dealing with ADHD.  The ADD/ ADhD Answer book." , by Susan Ashley is one I would seriously recommend getting.
  Finally, I can understand why you are at wits end.  This really is something that needs professional help.  You might see if there is a way to go outside of the school district to get the help of a child psychiatrist, ask your pediatrician for help.  If you are still in the military, maybe insurance will pay for this. I am assuming that you are in a public school setting.  If so, you need to request in writing an evaluation  for special education. Send it to both the principal, and the school district.  This puts into place certain timelines that should speed up the process.  Hope some of this helps and that others will pitch in.  Good Luck