ADD/ADHD? But doesnt act up around dad?

[Ravare]

So my 6 year old stepson has some pretty bad behavior when at school and around his mom. He gets kicked out of class constantly for being silly and rolling around or even pushing other children. When he is around his mom, he constantly acts out and smirks and laughs when he is supposed to be in trouble (often making his consequence worse). His mom wants to get him tested for ADD/ADHD because at this point she is fed up with his behavior and is trying to find "a cause" for it.


However here is a complete 180, when my stepson is with me, he doesnt act out, at all. And I really mean at all. If his mom goes out of town, he and I can have a normal day where he is calm for the whole day, asks me permission before doing anything and tries to "emulate" me. Of course every now and then I do have to correct him, but it is no where near how bad he is around mom and at school. I am the stricter one in the house of course but I do play with him at times when all is well.

I have had situations where he is calm at home, and literally THE SECOND his mom walks in the door he is hyper and all of a sudden doesnt want to listen to me or his mom. When we are out in public if he is with me, he walks calmly with me and doesnt act up or even cry. When we go somewhere with his mom or grandma, he 85% of the time ends up acting out and sometimes ruining our time out. We have taken him to a therapist and she told us that my stepson most likely just doesnt fear his mom and that her son most likely doesnt act out around me because he knows I wont go for it.



So long story short, can he have ADD/ADHD but be "normal" around me? I never notice constant fidgeting or anything like that or excessive talking or jumbled sentences when he is just with me. For some reason its only at school and when around mom or grandma. Im at the point of just letting my wife do what she wants as far as the tests because she feels like im just trying to say her son is acting bad and knows what he is doing, however I have heard that if a kid has ADD/ADHD they would be constantly acting out and it would not be situational depending on who is around.

Any thoughts, suggestions?

[dai3symae]

If he lives with his mother and has problems at school which she has to deal with....then I think that he could appear to be ADHD with his mother and not with his stepfather.  

If he blames his mother for dad not being there (had a student last year who was horrible to mom, great with dad for this reason)....that might explain it.  

If he and stepfather are doing active things like assembling a computer (lots of ADHD kids are better with this type of activity that pencil/paper tasks) that might explain the difference in behavior.

Mind you....he may or may not be ADHD  or he could be ADD (no hyperactivity)

Lots of ADHD/ADD kids are successful and are never on meds and lots are on meds without becoming drug addicts.  A very few teachers think every kid is ADHD and want them all on meds but most don't.  Most parents have a very hard time hearing that their child is having a problem but most problems can be solved especially when addressed early.

[therese83]

They are over reacting and causing the ingraining of negative behaviour.

Then he will end up on drugs, because they keep reacting in a negative way.  They need to do a parenting course or at least some reading.

Now they start to see him as a problem, and he deserves proper management

[Ravare]

I am not the one that usually reacts to his behavior when he has fits. If its me and him, I simply tell him to stop and crying will get him nothing and he understands and he stops. Now with his mom and grandma they kinda let him cry or have a fit and it turns into them showing frustration with him.

So for me I see that he knows he can frustrate them but with me I dont show that side.

I dont over react, but I do have expectations on how he should act especially out in public and I dont let it be ignored. Works with him and I, dont know what the problem is with him and his mother.

[margypops]

You know on reading your post I get the feeling he is behaving with each of you the way he thinks you each want him to behave, he knows you will be firm with him and he knows he can test you so far, with Mom and Granmom, he knows they are softer and he can get away with stuff, and they probably let him act up more, I dont think he has Add or ADHD as he wouldnt switch like that,so perhaps when he acts out he is getting attention from the behavior, how about when he behaves like that and you are all together you take no notice and dont feed into it.Possibly you over react and you could let it go.

[Ravare]

Well I know I definitely dont have ADHD. When I say my stepson acts normal around me, all of his behavior issues are not there. He is a calm kid and listens very well when with me. I notice a huge difference in him when his teachers talk about his behavior in class and when he is around his mother. I'm what my wife calls a "computer nerd" and I can actually get him to sit down with me and watch me assemble computers and fix them and he sits their quietly and actually asks me intelligent questions like "is that the computer's brain?". But when he gets in school and around his mom, all of a sudden he acts like he isnt smart or doesnt think about things.

Personally I dont think he has ADHD or ADD, but that is just my old school way of thinking. His mother is primarily the one who thinks he has it because he is always acting up with her and in school.

[Sandman2]

Interesting,
  Almost always young children cannot turn on or turn off ADHD.  That being said you have to be able to recognize ADHD.  What gets interesting is that if you (for example, and I am not saying that you do) have ADHD his behavior might seem more normal to you than a person without ADHD.  (Since he is your stepson, that genetic piece is probably not there).
  Testing at this level (and most levels for that matter) are normally done with surveys.  Make sure your opinion or your input is received.  The doctor should not get just your wife's or teachers input.  I would be curious to know if your teacher is experienced or new, that can make a huge difference in how they handle kids.
   Most importantly (if you can afford it).  Do not let a general MD handle this.  A child Psyc experienced with ADHD will give you the best advice.  If it turns out that your stepson does not have ADHD, the psyc can also give your wife some good behavioral techniques to help her with your son.  And maybe as important, if he does have ADHD it just not a magic pill,  both of you need to learn about ADHD and how to work with him.  Also if he does have ADHD, do let the school in on this.  Don't keep it a secret.  Either get him in special ed or get a 504 so that they treat him appropriate to his condition.  
  There are also some very good books help you raise kids going through some of these problems.  A highly recommended book is Lynn Clark's book  SOS:Help for Parents.  Good luck