Avatar universal

Please... help me understand this.

Ah, I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was very young, about six I think. I took Ritalin until about Middle School. In elementary school, I was routinely teased, mistreated by teachers and students. THe principal even called me retarded to my mother's face after -evaluating me for an hour!!!- when she took me to apply for kindergarten. Heh. I am so far form retarded I hesitate to mention it. I am, however, easiily upset by other people's reactions... as well as my own. In elemntary school, while I was on Ritalin... I would lick my lips till they bled I got so upset anious, nervous, etc. I hated going to school... I wanted to die before I realised there was a word for it.  THe teasing never stopped till I got out of high school.I was slighted by teachers, maligned my fellow students... It upset me so badly, I wanted nothing more than to get out of school. My parents told me I could drop out of high school with a GED, but I was so scared of failure that I decided to stay and finish. I ended up graduating early. I have had only one job, and I still live with my parents.I don't feel safe staying around groups of people for longer than an hour or I begin to get histerical and think I won't ever get home again. -canyou say, safety zone?- trouble is, my home doesn't always feel safe to me emotionally... my family is somewhat dysfunctional... my parents' parents on both sides had major issues, such as drugs, drinking, abuse, rape.. you name it they probably did it. But my parents came out relatively undamaged. I say relatively, because they both had bad lives too. But they never took drugs or drank, or committed crimes against anyone. I have been living with depression for so long, I don;t know what it's like not to be. One of the only times I truly rejoicved was when I realise d it had a name, that THAt was what I was feeling. Somebody please help me understand if I have Asperger's or one of these other htings along with my ADHD. I despereately need some help in understanding myself. I am 26, female, Libra. I live with my parents. I like to write fanfiction, esp. Doctor WHo fanfic, and at that job I had, my first nad so far only job, I would get so iupset in the mornings when one of my parents would drive me to work, and at night when they would take me home, that it took everythihng I had not to cry. And sometiems I didn;t make it. I almost went hysterical three times in that damn store.  And some of the girls there were dangerously psychotic. I can always feel when something is off. My senses are highly attuned in terms of whichever brain mechanism that happens to be. I did my job damn good for someone who rarely goes out of the house. Please help me. Sorry for the typos; I type too slow for my brain. Um... there was something else I needed to say... what ws it... AH! Oh yes. THe other thing/s... I humbly apologize for my rampant babbling, but as I am on my period, I am even more moody than normal, and twice as depressed. I tried telling my parents about it at first, but they just yelled at me and told me that theyt need the money for the bills, to try and scare me out of it. Of course that made it a billion times worse, JUST like I tought it would. Funny how psychic powers and/or mere observation come in handy, yes? I am super self-sensitive... I trained my brain to do certain things... and I think far too much, so I am deeply aware of things in terms of social discrepancy and sickness and the strangeness of the world. I have never felt completely comfortable around other people... it's like they see something in me that frightens them, or makes them nervous. WHat is it they see? I can't see it. My parents get it sort of now, but sometimes they say things that truly make me doubt that. one minute my mother is saying how seh needs to get me to the psychiatrist, the next I've done soemthing wrong and she's saying why don't yopu get a job and move out. Then later she says seh didn;t really mean it, that she was just saying that. Dad does that sort of too, but he;s a leo, os he just yells becuase he stil thinks I'm a ******* 5 year old. HE just yells and yells once he get going. Mom's a capricorn. But dad, geez. He's a good man, but he needs to take soem anger management classes. And that's another thing. I get so angry. I don;t know why. I heard that that is a symptom of ADHD. God I really need a doctor I think. Somebody.. anybodxy! Waht do you guys think? I am NOt a big baby. I want to understand this and make it better, but I have no friends outside of online... Please help.

-kindest regards,
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Avatar universal
THank you. Sorry about that. I go on Period rants.. my moods have control during those times more often than not. I do self-educate. I just need to find a source of information that I feel is reliable! hee! My love to you. Contact me if you ever need someone to talkl to!!!
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189897 tn?1441126518
Wow, I have read your post at least 3 times and am still trying to digest it.  I guess you should (kinda) thank your parents because I feel like they let you with a certain genetic load that is tough to carry.  No blame meant here for them.  It is what it is and you have to deal with it.  The trouble is that you are dealing with it alone.  And that is tough.  Have you done much reading on ADHD so that you know how it affects you? I think that most of what you have gone through is the consequences of ADHD.  It can really effect your overall life.
      The posting on the long term effects of adderall  -
  is an interesting read due to the variety of responses.  And, if you haven't done so, scan through this forum for posts by people in your age group.  I think you will find it helpful.  You are certainly not the only one feeling the way you are - however you are going it alone, and that is really tough.
One of the unifying things is the depression experienced by many of the responders.  I have found that kids who have been educated to what ADHD is and how it affects them are able to cope much better with the real world then kids who were  just medicated and left to cope.   So I am not surprised that you are depressed and feel considerable anxiety.  Kinda comes with the territory.
  You are obviously intelligent.  To get through high school without meds is extremely difficult.  You now need to use your intelligence to help your self.  
   A couple of good books that you might find helpful.  
    "ADHD and Me,  What I learned from lighting fires at the dinner table," by  Blake Taylor.   Basically, "the Cal freshman tells how he made the ADHD work in his favor."  Two other good books - "Driven to Distraction" by Hallowell, and "The Gift of ADHD", by Honos-Webb.
   Finally, a good psychiatrist would be extremely helpful.  I don't know how you could afford it.  But you do need someone to talk to.  And there are medications out there that will let you get a grip on life and then ease off them when you are ready to.   Do a search for someone that specializes in ADHD and give them a call. Calls are cheap.  But if nothing else, start reading.  "Know thy self", is an important key.  Although I think that "understand thy self" is just as important.  The fact that you are reaching out is a sign that you are ready for a change.  Keep reaching and start reading!  Good Luck!
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Avatar universal
Oh geez. I shouldn't be on the computer when I'm on my period. Igo all emotionally unstable like above! So sorry, if anyone's read this. That's just ONE of my moods...
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Avatar universal
OH and when I said this:

"I tried telling my parents about it at first, but they just yelled at me and told me that theyt need the money for the bills, to try and scare me out of it. Of course that made it a billion times worse,"

I meant in the car, on the way to and from work. I liked the job, but I didn;t care about that, because of how I felt. I felt that way every day going to school... It was HELL. HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL> I used to PRAY for snow days, so mommy wouldn;t make me go to school and be around all those people who hated me or stared. Or thought I was stupid. I used to get nauseous just THINKING about going to school... but I trained myself not to, and trained myself to breath quietly, and such, so people wouldn;t notice me. Pathetic, yes?
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