Punishment for shoplifting

[wildflower77]

Looking for some advice/insight please: Sunday afternoon my family and I went to a festival in a town about 40 minutes from our house and later discovered that our 12 y/o daughter (ADHD/ODD) had stolen a $5 ring from one of the vendor tables. We were at a friend's house swimming when it was discovered and immediately made her get out of the pool and sit out for the rest of the time. She was grounded for the rest of the day Sunday and all day Monday and made to do extra chores as well as got a lecture about shoplifting. We did not let her keep the ring of course but also did not take it back as we were all exhausted. If it had been closer I would have driven her back there and made her return the ring personally and face whatever consequences came of it. She was also made to write a full page essay Tuesday afternoon about what kind of lesson she had learned. She did nearly all of the house work for 2+ days, was not allowed to play/watch tv, got lectured, wrote a (what I thought to be sincere) essay and her father still thought that she should be grounded longer (I assume for the rest of the week). While she does have a history of stealing (money, toys, God-knows-what-else), I personally feel that this time she may have actually learned her lesson. Do you think I was not harsh enough in her punishment? If so, what else could I have done? (Either way, I guess I will find out myself if it happens again, huh?)

[Sandman2]

   Agreed

[allmymarbles]

There are philosophical cultural differences. Some cultures, notably northern European, are internal (guilt); some cultures, southern European among them, are external (shame). Families have different philosophies. The important thing is teaching the young to be moral and responsible. There is no one right way.

[Sandman2]

     Actually, the question is the raising of our children to a higher moral level.  I don't think that embarrassing them briefly in public is as effective as the consistent punishment that was handed out.    
    What is most important is trying not to have a repeat offense.
    
     Which reminds me.  The next time you go to a festival.  It wouldn't hurt to lay down ground rules or gentle reminders before you walk in.  And, of course, if the child is on medication - the timing of the meds is important.  In the afternoon, kids start coming off the meds and will do things they might not do while on the meds.

[allmymarbles]

The subject here is not money, but the raising of our children to a high moral standard. The value of the stolen item is incidental.

[wildflower77]

You seem to understand that menial punishment doesn't work very well with ADHD kids.  :) They do need to have natural consequences for their actions in order to learn from their mistakes.  I think I was more or less comfortable with my decision.  I guess I was just looking for some validation after being criticised by my husband.  Thank you for your advice.  I will check out that book as well.

[wildflower77]

While I agree that might have had a greater effect, I wasn't about to drive 40 minutes and waste gas for a $5 ring, but thank you for your comment.

[allmymarbles]

I would have returned to the stall with her, no matter how exhausted everyone was, and had her return the ring. The resulting social humiliation might well have had a greater effect than an in-family punishment.