My wife abuses me

[jetx]

I have been abused by my wife since I got married. I have to admit that I have made a couple of decisions in my life that my wife wasn't happy about it that has made our lifes from an economic point of view more difficult. As a result of those decisions I get abused on a daily basis. I don't know what to do anymore. I have been feeling guilty and put up with it for the longest time. We have three children and if it wasn't for them I could take some action but I don't want to risk my children. I know that if we got a divorce she would make sure my life is as misarable as it can be. We met in the USA and when I finished my degree I wanted to go back to my country but she didn't want to come. I was madly in love and I decided to stay. We got married and that's when the abuse started. I had kept a few things to myself about my past relationship's. She started a brutal interrogation that lasted for six months. Every detail, every action, everything she demanded to know and didn't stop till she got all the information through mental torture. What I mean about mental torture is that she would ask me the same questions for hours, days, weeks, months, non stop. She would argue with me till early morning hours  non stop. And the next day and the next. Finally we got through that stage and life went back to "normal". This abuse has continued for different reasons. There is always seems to be a reson for her to abuse me. She is not happy with her life and I get the blame. That's OK. But is that a normal person's behaviour? Today again from the minute i wake up she has been shouting at me. 9 hours in a row non stop. Always the same things over and over. If you had bought a house when I told you!!!!! etc... etc...

[jetx]

Biggest mistake I made was to discourage my wife to keep her job after giving birth to our first child. My job involves irregular working hours and overnights and my wife's job is very similar. I didn't think it was going to be possible for her to continue to work.

[dove3053]

So what were the mistakes you made?

Dove

[jo929]

it seems to me that you must enjoy the way things are or you would not have ans tthe first question she asked and it really does seems that you enjoy this or you would be gone pronto you can always file custody to see you children think what they have to listen to it is not just you and your wife the chilldren will grow up beleivin that as a way of life get out and both of you can have some peace also maybe the children will have some quiet              Madame

[Curls]

I'm so glad to hear what you said to faithfulchild.  You're on the right track!  All the best.

[Jaybay]

BOTH of you need to forget about this idea of "meeting expectations".  You are a couple.  You make decisions for your family together and live by the consequences together.  Get it?  Nobody, and no couple, can make some kind of a life plan and expect it to come true.  All you can do is deal with what you've got.  You use your own brains, your own abilities, and live the best life you can.  Your wife's job is to be a Mommy - and it's a BIG job!  If she can somehow find a way to contribute money to the household, more power to her.  If you are the only breadwinner, then you both need to figure out how to manage your money.  Marriage is a hard business - and it really is a business when you think about it.  The husband and wife are equal partners.  Your wife takes risks; you dont take risks.  Surely there is something in the middle that you can both agree on?  

Marriage is work.  It isn't all just love and sex and having babies, as you already know.  You and your wife seem to be polar opposites in many things, so both of you are going to have to compromise in certain areas to make your marriage work.

[jetx]

Your comments are of great help. It's true that I have made decisions without taking her opinion into consideration. My primary responsability as a husband and a father of three is to take care of my family financially. I know my limitations as a person and as a professional and sometimes I can't accept her suggestions when I believe it will but put our future at risk. I have been unemployed before and I dread being in that situation again. But you are absolutely right. I should let her know more often how important her contribution to the family is and let her make more decisions even if I disagree with them. My wife likes to take risks and doesn't worry about a negative outcome. I am the opposite way. Making decisions together will change our marriage and our lives. It's true. I just hope that it's not to late. She expects her life to be the way that she thought it would have been if she had made the decisions but even if I try my best there is no guarantee that I can meet her expectations. And if I don't ... Should there be such a fine line between success and failure? I wish there wasn't.