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My wife abuses me
I have been abused by my wife since I got married. I have to admit that I have made a couple of decisions in my life that my wife wasn't happy about it that has made our lifes from an economic point of view more difficult. As a result of those decisions I get abused on a daily basis. I don't know what to do anymore. I have been feeling guilty and put up with it for the longest time. We have three children and if it wasn't for them I could take some action but I don't want to risk my children. I know that if we got a divorce she would make sure my life is as misarable as it can be. We met in the USA and when I finished my degree I wanted to go back to my country but she didn't want to come. I was madly in love and I decided to stay. We got married and that's when the abuse started. I had kept a few things to myself about my past relationship's. She started a brutal interrogation that lasted for six months. Every detail, every action, everything she demanded to know and didn't stop till she got all the information through mental torture. What I mean about mental torture is that she would ask me the same questions for hours, days, weeks, months, non stop. She would argue with me till early morning hours non stop. And the next day and the next. Finally we got through that stage and life went back to "normal". This abuse has continued for different reasons. There is always seems to be a reson for her to abuse me. She is not happy with her life and I get the blame. That's OK. But is that a normal person's behaviour? Today again from the minute i wake up she has been shouting at me. 9 hours in a row non stop. Always the same things over and over. If you had bought a house when I told you!!!!! etc... etc...
STOP TRYING TO FIX THINGS BY YOURSELF ASK HER TO HELP YOU. TELL HER THAT SHE WAS RIGHT AND YOU REALY WOULD APPRECIATE HER HELP IN HANDLING THE CONSEQUENCES.
After listening to you i really have to commend you for hanging in there. I think though that you need another strategy plan for your situation. So far you have been trying to "fix" things and playing the blame game. Obviously that is not working! Your wife complains about her not having a job, be near her family and that you have been making unwise decisions, you need to read between the lines. What she is actually trying to say is that so far she has sacrificed her family, independence and copmromised herself for you. She does not believe that you appreciates her decisions and therefore at the end of the day whatever she says does not matter to you. She gets mad and cals you name because its the only way she knows to get your attention. You need to be supportive by being a little more trusting on her part. Ask her opinions on things and do not just ask her and then go with your plan. Give her the chance to make decisions and demonstrate her independence once in a while, and even when it is a stupid choice that she makes you have to let her know that she has your support anyway.
She is obviously unhappy about the roles that she is playing in the family. She feels that she is not doing enough and therefore she is not cotributing enough. What about her girlfriends are they working? Does she even have a social life? What about the children's future are they secure? these are all things that can be driving her crazy.
One of the hardest lesson i had to learn was to sit by and let my husband take care of me when we had our daughter. I had a C-Section so i had to lay off the work for a while. I felt helpless, weak and humiliated at first because it was all new to me and i hated feeling helpless. In my reliogion it is stressed that a man should be head of the family and should therefore take the leading role. But all my life i have been taking care of me so i found it completely hard to let someone take care of me. At times it makes me really angry and although i do not call him names i make it completely clear that i am furious none the less.
Tell her that you appreciate what she is doing and get her to understand that the role that she is playing in the family is an invaluable one. You need to help her to understand that you and the rest of the family needs her.
I really hope this helped
She is obviously unhappy about the roles that she is playing in the family. She feels that she is not doing enough and therefore she is not cotributing enough. What about her girlfriends are they working? Does she even have a social life? What about the children's future are they secure? these are all things that can be driving her crazy.
One of the hardest lesson i had to learn was to sit by and let my husband take care of me when we had our daughter. I had a C-Section so i had to lay off the work for a while. I felt helpless, weak and humiliated at first because it was all new to me and i hated feeling helpless. In my reliogion it is stressed that a man should be head of the family and should therefore take the leading role. But all my life i have been taking care of me so i found it completely hard to let someone take care of me. At times it makes me really angry and although i do not call him names i make it completely clear that i am furious none the less.
Tell her that you appreciate what she is doing and get her to understand that the role that she is playing in the family is an invaluable one. You need to help her to understand that you and the rest of the family needs her.
I really hope this helped
Jan, did you change ids? Please don't be hasty judge the depression and bipolar for yourself. I've seen it in people who would swear that wasn't going on. In your wife's case it really might be the whole problem and a little pill could fix it all, especially since you say her anger has always been the same style. I'm not talking about depression from circumstances...I'm talking about the chemical version that just happens. Your description, "a lot of anger for long periods of time" is a classic sign. It's a simple enough rock to overturn/check out. It's your choices of course, but that's my experiences.
Giving your wife back what "you took from her" won't fix things. Those words are part of the same pattern you are in and have been in. Changing the dynamics so that you both take responsiblity together, truly listen to each other, and most importantly work to make decisions together...that's what will change your marriage and your lives. Can you look for some counseling or support group to help you get started? As you said it's a complicated situation. So, you deserve some help to sort it out, with outside and experienced perspectives.
Good success. Let us know how it goes.
Giving your wife back what "you took from her" won't fix things. Those words are part of the same pattern you are in and have been in. Changing the dynamics so that you both take responsiblity together, truly listen to each other, and most importantly work to make decisions together...that's what will change your marriage and your lives. Can you look for some counseling or support group to help you get started? As you said it's a complicated situation. So, you deserve some help to sort it out, with outside and experienced perspectives.
Good success. Let us know how it goes.
I really appreciate a lot for your inputs and your interest. It's a rather complicated situation which I created and it will take a lot of changes ta make it right. I don't think either of us is depressed. My wife's reaction to adverse situations has always been the same. A lot of anger for long periods of time. Things that i or somebody else said let's say ten years ago come up all the time as if it had happened yesterday. I on the contrary forget and forgive very quickly. I love my wife and I just hope that if I can giver back what i took from her she will change. Thanks once again to everybody for listening and expressing concern about my situation.
Your situation sounds rather complicated. Ofcourse it is hard to judge a situation from just one side of a story. Your wife sounds like she has a lot of frustrations. Women who are full time mothers find it to be a very hard and challenging job and it is not uncommon to have a wife that is not too happy. Maybe she feels she has no control of her life and the decisions that you had made for you both. Unfortunately, in todays world its just too easy to walk out when the going gets tough. If you still love her, make future decions with her, do things to correct the situation, take the initiative to calm the situation down. Your kids will be watching and learning from your reaction as well. Good luck to you!
okay
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