This is such a long story, loaded story. I dont even know where to begin. I met him 9 years ago, Our relationship started out on a lie. He had told me he had been sober for a year after spending a year in an inpatient treatment center. After a few months, I began to realize that their was something going on. 8 months into our relationship, I became pregnant. A few months into pregnancy, I walked out of the bedroom and saw him on the patio smoking crack. I lost it!! I knew about his past, his prison stay of 8 years, his growing up and at 16 leaving home because he couldn't do what he wanted. I gave him the ultimatum that he either stops using or he leaves. He quit, cold turkey. For 8 years he maintained some sobriety. He always like to drink. He would always end up having a few beers after work, and most times drive home "buzzed" because to him, he was never drunk. He thought I was a nag, that I always wanted to take away his fun. He thought that I needed to be "toughened up" because I was too sweet, too soft, too naive. Anything I ever did, said, spoke of, reacted too was ridiculous, he put down everything about me. He constantly berated me about our sex life. (even after knowing that I had been molested as a child, and that antidepressants have a devastating affect on libido) He thought by insulting me, calling me a crybaby, a sissy, ****, psycho, ( I have suffered from Major Depression and Panic/Anxiety disorder for 20+ years)that I would grow a thicker skin. He picked on the weakest parts of me, my weight, my friends, my family. He did so much more verbal damage, that would take to long to type. To this day, at age 44, still blames his mother's alcohol addiction on everything he has done. I came from a very abusive upringing as well. I chose to forgive and move past it. So it is hard for me to keep hearing him blame all the things he has done on his mother.
Present day, our son is 6, has autism, and my husband has been addicted to Meth for over a year. His mother and I did everything we could to help him recover from his addiction. Talked to him about counseling, get on medication for an obvious mental disorder. We paid thousands of dollars to get him out of debt because of his drug abuse. I cried, begged, pleaded for him to stop. He moved down into the basement of the house in order to continue his use. For me, it was a roller coaster of sadness, depression, anger, hurt, resentment. I often wondered how in the heck could he not care about his only son. Why he would rather lose it all for a drug, instead of fighting for his family. It only got worse. I finally moved into a domestic violence shelter because he was threatening bodily harm and the drug abuse made him very unstable. After a month in the shelter, my son and I moved into our own apartment. It was amazing. I had my own place, I could set it up my way, I could arrange the furniture, put up pictures, put away food in the cupboard, without him re-doing everything!.
Well, after one month of being on my own, he finally hit rock bottom. He was in debt up to his ears, lost the apartment we stayed in, lost his job. This was in the middle of winter. Me, being the bleeding heart, let him stay at my place for a couple of weeks. I worked hard to get him into a rehab. ( I was still paying for his medical insurance as well). Well, after 16 days in rehab, he begged me to live with me again. Swearing up and down that he would change, promising me this and that. I caved, and allowed him back into my life. It was a mistake.
Although he has maintained his sobriety, whenever we fight, he now says I don't understand his addiction. I don't understand his pain. I don't understand that everything he did was because he was sick. I should be patient and forgiving, and forget what he was like in the past and just move forward. The thing is, he still has the same, what he calls, "addict mentality". I also recently studied what is called "Narcissistic Personality Disorder". It is him to a "T". He has been on Wellbutrin and Lamictal for 3 weeks consistently, but doesnt have the patience to wait. Anyone suffering from depression knows that it takes time to get the right medication and the right dose. He says he is only taking it for me and our son. After all the abuse I took from him, I took on his anger, bitterness and resentment. I have become so tense, so angry, that when he is in my presence, I am always on the offense. I snap whenever something he says/does triggers something from the past. I became HIM!
This is a cycle of anger, etc. that I don't and can't deal with anymore. He is saying I am the one that needs changing. I need counseling. After he attends his NA meetings, he comes home and says that I am the only wife that is out their that doesnt support their husband. He says I am not doing everything I can to make things work. Once again, it is always my fault. I don't know how to break this cycle.
I don't know if I am doing the right thing, by walking away. I don't know if I should be doing more and making things work. In my heart, I know it is the end of our marriage. Now that he is under the same roof as me, without a job, without money, in the middle of winter, how can I kick him out? I am so lost. I want the best for my son. I don't want him to become his father. I don't want irreparable damage done to him. I want him to have a happy life. I need help......
I know this was a very long story, I just had to get out as much as I could. I am just hoping I am heard.