Addiction: Living with an Addict Community
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16772265 tn?1452195926

What to do

So my 24 year old is scheduled to get out of Rehab on Jan 13.  She wants to come home but I will not let her,  I refuse to go through the lies and dealings of her heroin use anymore in my home.  I have tried to help her after getting her clean before, I went to all the meetings with her, she worked in the family business so we had our eye on her all day, we gave her countless drug tests, we chased people out of our house.  We basically treated her like she was 5 and somehow I failed and she went back to using again and this time worse then before.  My question is, sober living or 90 day residential treatment.  I am very confused and only want the best for her.  I have read numerous post in regards to sober living where people still use and I am not convinced that my daughter has the will power right now to say NO.  She is very angry and still playing the blame game.  I have gone to see her every visiting day while she has been in rehab and she is happy to see me and happy to see me leave because after our family session she is pretty much disgusted with me and vice versa.   Can someone please help me with any opinions,  I am so on overload that my mind cannot even process anything right now.  
7 Responses
1530493 tn?1410056636
Hi mom
I'm so sorry for all your stress,  I remember it well.  
There comes a time (as much as you love your child) that you will need to think about you first, now is that time.
Unless she is 100 % committed to sobriety. ...completely  her choice, the circle will continue.
You saying that your family sessions end in disgust, says a lot.
I've been through many years of heroin addiction with my son and understand what your saying.  
When discust was still a factor, it was a reaction of him still trying to place the blame on someone other than himself.
He needed to own his addction, in order to make a change.
I did all you have done. ..rehabs, side by side. ..looking for sober living FOR him
my son went with the flow, I did believe we were making progress,  but in all reality.....HE wasn't ready.
Over time,  I was forced to let go to keep my sanity ( I was the last one in his life trying to fix him ).  
I had no idea at the time. ..that would be the answer.
in hind sight I can see the full circle of his addiction.
When my son had no one left in life to blame but himself,  he knew change had to come from him.
When he was committed to that change,  there was NO DOUBT ...he crumbled...he was drained...he surrrendered.
I still kept space between us,  as I too became very sick.   We needed to heal, we couldn't do it together,  as much as I tried to help him. ...I was a big trigger.
I let him go the last time for many months,  I had brief updates from his counselor, as much as I wanted to hold my baby in my arms. ...I couldn't bring myself to look at him...hear him, it was too hard on both of us.
that time apart. ..was our answer.
I never gave up on him...in fact we separated for love.

Today he is going on his 4th year clean.   He met a great girl,  who keeps him that way.   He became a dad a year ago,  something he's always dreamed of.  Last night he proposed to his girlfriend....she said yes.
life has changed in a big way for him,  I truly thought I would bury him.
No one could make the above choices for his life,  but him.
It needed to start with his main choice...getting clean & staying that way. ..only HE could do that
Letting him go,  was one of the hardest things in life I've ever had to do,  but in the end it's returned ten fold.
My best advice to you,  is to ask your daughter what her next move will be to stay sober ( drugs can be found. ..if they want to find them no matter where they are) but let her know you can no longer be part of her addiction.  You will support her recovery only,  if she chooses to use again,  she'll be on her own.  She will need to prove to you she's serious. There may be some stumbles, but if you can let her pick herself up, you'll be heading in the right direction.
As far as letting her return home,  I think you know the answer. ..it's a comfort zone for her.
here for you. ..time to take care of you mom
3060903 tn?1398565123
Great move to decide against having her come home. It's obvious from the way the family therapy ends up , that your daughter going home is not the answer and will only trigger her to use again. Deb is right, she needs to make the decision about Sober Living or a 90 day rehab, however if you wish to give your opinion, based on the experience of others, i would have to say that if she's hasn't already been involved in a 90 day treatment centre it might be her best bet, and if it were my own child i would suggest it. I actually suggested the 90 day rehab for my husband when he relapsed 14 or so years ago, and he's been clean since,(of course he's a lot older than your daughter and in a different place , as a dad, in his own life , so there is no comparison being made). After the 90 day rehab, then she could then go to Sober Living. All in all, if she can be involved in a year long process that would be the best thing possible. If she is resistant about the 90 day rehab, and chooses the Sober Living situation, be positive and always reaffirm , that you will only support her recovery and will never support her while in active addiction.

Have you ever been to Alanon or NarAnon, (a group for the loved ones of addicts)? There you will find support for yourself, and it may be something that will help you handle what happens next. You need as much support as your daughter through the ups and downs, until your daughter's sobriety is secured.

Well, you've know you've got us, always.
Much love , and hope ,
Always here to talk.
Thank you NIghthawk61.=  She is being released on Wednesday 1/13.  She will go straight to a sober living home with Intensive outpatient program.  Her attitude has changed 100% since being in rehab. I had a very difficult time trying to find  a 90 day intreatment program-  my insurance would not cover since she was already in a rehab and at 55 grand plus,  I am just not in that position right now.  I have attended to Nar-Anon meetings -  the pickings are kind of slim in my area, but I have been going the past 2 Wednesdays.  
3060903 tn?1398565123
I think that she should be in the rehab for 90 days , since she is playing the "blame game" i think she needs full access to the Therapist in the rehab to talk about what it is she is thinking are the reasons why she started or continued to use. There's no shame either, if there were mistakes made on the part of the family, not saying there were in your families case, but if there way, we are all human and mistakes get made, large or small, that need to be gotten over.

This is also a great place for addicts to find other clean and sober addicts to talk to.. so that might be something you can suggest to her. You've said absolutely nothing here that should warrant you not to be proud of (if you think that you'd rather her not see your post).I had a 26 year habit myself including heroin, crack , alcohol etc. and i'd be happy to talk to her and help. It would be another way for her to see that the general consensus from long term sober addicts,  is that she needs to take responsibility for her own actions and this is not about her family of origin, it is about her choices.  Something to consider. maybe..

3060903 tn?1398565123
Sober Living is great, and outpatient can be just as good as inpatient. No fear. She has to learn be on the outside some time. I'm glad to hear of her attitude change, i take it it's for the better lol. It's up to her, and she' knows it, |That's the best way for this to go.. Forward. Try to keep the faith.

If you ever want her to talk to an old drug addict, with long term sobriety , you be sure to hook us up. ?

I'm glad to hear you're doing the NarAnon thing, for yourself. It's better than nothing. right ? It keeps you focused on you, and doing your thing.

I'm here for you whenever you reach out. You're family is in my thoughts, and my prayers. Keep us updated.......

Sleep in peace, shes clean and sober now. Trust in that.
16772265 tn?1452195926
So I talked with my daughter last night and she is having extremely bad anxiety.  She feels safe in rehab now as she has been there for 28 days.  She is afraid to face the world.  She realizes her past actions have consequences and the people she hurt and now that she is not "numb" from being high anymore, her conscience is getting to her.  She is afraid to leave rehab.  she calls that her bubble.  Her counselors at the rehab have very high hopes for her as they have seen her blossom since she has been there.  She still says she loves to get high -  i am not sure if that is just because she is scared and wants that "numb" feeling again so she does not have to face her emotions.  I pick her up on Wednesday and then she goes to Sober living.
3060903 tn?1398565123
Tell her and yourself to |Trust in the Sober Living House and the Intensive Outpatient program. The last rehab i had was Outpatient, and that was 16 plus years ago. There i found everything that i needed to stay clean and sober, and i will never forget that i "love to get high" ., I still maintain my sobriety. It's hard to forget the type of high you get from high octane type of drugs that i have, and your daughter, has been on. It's like riding a bike, you don't forget the high, but you learn to live for real relationships, you learn to love being a responsible adult, you learn to love the feeling that people admire  you in the program (of aa or na) you learn to love "giving back" in the program, and helping out other addicts. You learn to love Love, and meeting a partner, having children, Going to school, and gaining a career that you love. You learn to LOVE many many things.
Tell you daughter, that other long term clean and sober addicts, never forget that they "love getting high" , they simply trust in the program and stick with the program and they "get a life" . Having a love affair with a drug, is pathetic at best. It takes all of the joy out of the love that you can have on this earth.  Please, tell your daughter that other long term clean and sober addicts say that "addiction" pales by comparison of the simple joys that people have connecting with other people. and gaining a place in this world that you can be proud of , when you leave it.

Your daughter desperately needs to make good friends with long term clean and sober people that can prove to her that 'real life" is far more of a constant high than chasing a buzz from pharmaceuticals.

I hope one day i can talk with her. If you can, let her read your words, and mine > Let her know that you are wiling to share what you've found here. It may be of some comfort for her.

trust in the program. Please, both of you. The Addictions Therapist was instrumental in my attaining long term sobriety. I think that's where I finally started to turn a long term change i could count on. We are all as sick as our secrets.

16776862 tn?1452777676
My husband just got out of a 2 week rehab program and expressed that same fear of going back into the real world. You picked her up today? How did it go?

I understand your inability to find naranon meetings nearby. I just started attending alanon meetings last week because of te scarcity of naranon meetings. From what i understand, the content is almost the same.

Hug. I look forward to updates and keeping in touch. Take things one day at a time and if that's too hard split the day up into manageable pieces.
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