Aa
Please find fault with this.
I had to do a first draft essay (actually rough draft) for college and I need critisism, I need to know if you all (whoever is interested) let me know how I can improve it. I don't post all my stuff in here because it isn't about the community subject. This is about addiction so I thought it would be okay to post here. I already wrote it so it's not like I am trying to get people to do work for me, I just don't know how it's not right.
"In 1920 the "noble experiment" was introduced. It was started in hopes that the United States of America would be able to stop something before it became an epidemic. It did not take to well. People felt that their freedom was taken, that rights were violated, and that they would not cease in enjoying something regardless of it's affects in society. People would break this law to the point they would get sick, hurt people, and risk jail time so that they could continue what they did in public before this new law was made. I am sure there are things politicians could have done before making this law, they could have raised prices, made it mandatory to put health warnings all over the product, or even create a society where to enjoy this product, others would shame you and try to make you feel unwanted. They could have tried these things, although, addiction and having recreational fun with alcohol would most likely win over even all these methods of ending the age old pastime of drinking. Regardless of all this, the main point, is prohibition did not work.
Around the same time the "great depression" was taking place. People were poor but would still find ways to enjoy alcohol. This could come from theft, robbery, and using unsafe locations, tools, and ingredients to make alcohol. Instead of having money and buying inspected alcohol that was safe to consume in regulated portions, people were doing whatever they had to, to consume potentially unsafe liquor. Desperation was huge, both in money and attempts to get a fix from something that was dangerous to not just the people drinking, but those who had "second hand" happenings from drunk individuals. After mass amounts of money and tireless hours was spent by law enforcement to uphold this law that was made for peoples own heath sake, the government understood that prohibition especially during the depression would just not work. They gave up the fight knowing that when you take away the peoples rights even for what seems like the best, citizens will stand up and shut it down. The problem is that in the land of the free, when people are having something taken away from them that is so enjoyed and used in times of stress, nothing but trouble will follow.
Now, we fast forward to today. This is a time when alcohol is still used, abused, and enjoyed and again we find ourselves in bad economical times. We have gas on the rise, we have people desperate to support their families, and we are a nation that is very volatile. People are stressed out and wondering how they are going to eat, but there is another item which is used, abused, and enjoyed. What I am talking about is just about as old as alcohol, maybe older considering it grows naturally. However, this item has been altered throughout time, and is now one of the deadliest pastimes ever. I am talking about tobacco, which comes in many forms, but is mostly enjoyed by smoking rolled tobacco, this is called a cigarette. When companies decided to take tobacco and create cigarettes, they discovered something else, things can be added to it so that people don't just enjoy it, they become heavily addicted to it. It is a constant and very lucrative business item. People have made trillions and on from selling this item. The bad and hugely over looked part to this, is that tobacco cigarettes are terribly dangerous. Nicotine, the most addictive and key ingredient in tobacco is one of if not the most addicting substance on earth with the average person. So, we have something that makes others rich beyond peoples wildest dreams, extremely addictive, and extremely dangerous.
We know that prohibition did not work, but there are people out there who want to try the same idea again, only for cigarettes instead of alcohol. The ideas were first to do as I already mentioned to stop people from smoking. Prices on cigarettes are rising sky high daily, it is being made mandatory for the danger to health is put on the product wrapper, and people are being taught to shame and belittle those who enjoy cigarettes. Now when an addict is knowing they are doing something dangerous, something that does not help, is to shun that person and make them feel stupid because they have it. It is taught more in school that tobacco is for "losers" and this is what children learn to behave after. There is more concentration on what kind of person you should feel like for smoking than the physical dangers of tobacco. Lastly, raising prices for something in terrible economic times is only causing crime to rise, and it continues every day. So these methods or ideas to stop smoking are not working to good. So comes the last attempt, make it illegal. This desperate idea will cause nothing but things to get worse. If tobacco is just as much if not more addictive than alcohol, and causes as much if not more damage to people who enjoy it and people who are caught in the crossfire of those who do it, I cannot see doing the same (making it illegal) thing to stop it working.
There has been and always in my opinion will be one thing to combat unhealthy practices and that is information. Knowledge is power, and if you want power over something, you have extensive knowledge about it. People do not quit something for good because of any other reason than that they want to quit it. The public knows cigarettes are bad, especially the people who are older and lived through the changes cigarettes have gone through. People who smoke now are not likely to quit smoking, even with the health risks. The hope lies in the same place hope for our species has always and will always lie, with the youth. Teaching children that cigarettes are "bad" does not do the trick. Telling them they are losers if they smoke, does not do the trick, and slapping a label on the outside of a cigarette box does not do the trick. Starting from sixth grade and on, there should be specific lessons for children about what is in cigarettes and how it effects the body. Each chemical added, each amount and how it effects humans needs to be taught. The illnesses that come from smoking should be taught, and numbers of how many people die because of cigarettes needs to be taught. You don't stop there though, anything that can harm you physically and is addicting including cigarettes needs to be taught at every grade level in depth. I honestly believe that if you make sure the dangers of smoking is extensively taught, repeatedly, and with dedication, the new generation will make wiser choices for themselves. Then, it will go down through generations, instead of children seeing their parents smoke, they will be taught the same thing that caused their parents to make the free choice to not smoke. It is not through taking peoples freedoms away that our country will grow in a positive way, it is through letting them have the information they need to make correct choices and letting them make those choices that we will grow out of this deadly addiction."
The teacher asked me if I gave the other side of the argument, I thought I did................
"In 1920 the "noble experiment" was introduced. It was started in hopes that the United States of America would be able to stop something before it became an epidemic. It did not take to well. People felt that their freedom was taken, that rights were violated, and that they would not cease in enjoying something regardless of it's affects in society. People would break this law to the point they would get sick, hurt people, and risk jail time so that they could continue what they did in public before this new law was made. I am sure there are things politicians could have done before making this law, they could have raised prices, made it mandatory to put health warnings all over the product, or even create a society where to enjoy this product, others would shame you and try to make you feel unwanted. They could have tried these things, although, addiction and having recreational fun with alcohol would most likely win over even all these methods of ending the age old pastime of drinking. Regardless of all this, the main point, is prohibition did not work.
Around the same time the "great depression" was taking place. People were poor but would still find ways to enjoy alcohol. This could come from theft, robbery, and using unsafe locations, tools, and ingredients to make alcohol. Instead of having money and buying inspected alcohol that was safe to consume in regulated portions, people were doing whatever they had to, to consume potentially unsafe liquor. Desperation was huge, both in money and attempts to get a fix from something that was dangerous to not just the people drinking, but those who had "second hand" happenings from drunk individuals. After mass amounts of money and tireless hours was spent by law enforcement to uphold this law that was made for peoples own heath sake, the government understood that prohibition especially during the depression would just not work. They gave up the fight knowing that when you take away the peoples rights even for what seems like the best, citizens will stand up and shut it down. The problem is that in the land of the free, when people are having something taken away from them that is so enjoyed and used in times of stress, nothing but trouble will follow.
Now, we fast forward to today. This is a time when alcohol is still used, abused, and enjoyed and again we find ourselves in bad economical times. We have gas on the rise, we have people desperate to support their families, and we are a nation that is very volatile. People are stressed out and wondering how they are going to eat, but there is another item which is used, abused, and enjoyed. What I am talking about is just about as old as alcohol, maybe older considering it grows naturally. However, this item has been altered throughout time, and is now one of the deadliest pastimes ever. I am talking about tobacco, which comes in many forms, but is mostly enjoyed by smoking rolled tobacco, this is called a cigarette. When companies decided to take tobacco and create cigarettes, they discovered something else, things can be added to it so that people don't just enjoy it, they become heavily addicted to it. It is a constant and very lucrative business item. People have made trillions and on from selling this item. The bad and hugely over looked part to this, is that tobacco cigarettes are terribly dangerous. Nicotine, the most addictive and key ingredient in tobacco is one of if not the most addicting substance on earth with the average person. So, we have something that makes others rich beyond peoples wildest dreams, extremely addictive, and extremely dangerous.
We know that prohibition did not work, but there are people out there who want to try the same idea again, only for cigarettes instead of alcohol. The ideas were first to do as I already mentioned to stop people from smoking. Prices on cigarettes are rising sky high daily, it is being made mandatory for the danger to health is put on the product wrapper, and people are being taught to shame and belittle those who enjoy cigarettes. Now when an addict is knowing they are doing something dangerous, something that does not help, is to shun that person and make them feel stupid because they have it. It is taught more in school that tobacco is for "losers" and this is what children learn to behave after. There is more concentration on what kind of person you should feel like for smoking than the physical dangers of tobacco. Lastly, raising prices for something in terrible economic times is only causing crime to rise, and it continues every day. So these methods or ideas to stop smoking are not working to good. So comes the last attempt, make it illegal. This desperate idea will cause nothing but things to get worse. If tobacco is just as much if not more addictive than alcohol, and causes as much if not more damage to people who enjoy it and people who are caught in the crossfire of those who do it, I cannot see doing the same (making it illegal) thing to stop it working.
There has been and always in my opinion will be one thing to combat unhealthy practices and that is information. Knowledge is power, and if you want power over something, you have extensive knowledge about it. People do not quit something for good because of any other reason than that they want to quit it. The public knows cigarettes are bad, especially the people who are older and lived through the changes cigarettes have gone through. People who smoke now are not likely to quit smoking, even with the health risks. The hope lies in the same place hope for our species has always and will always lie, with the youth. Teaching children that cigarettes are "bad" does not do the trick. Telling them they are losers if they smoke, does not do the trick, and slapping a label on the outside of a cigarette box does not do the trick. Starting from sixth grade and on, there should be specific lessons for children about what is in cigarettes and how it effects the body. Each chemical added, each amount and how it effects humans needs to be taught. The illnesses that come from smoking should be taught, and numbers of how many people die because of cigarettes needs to be taught. You don't stop there though, anything that can harm you physically and is addicting including cigarettes needs to be taught at every grade level in depth. I honestly believe that if you make sure the dangers of smoking is extensively taught, repeatedly, and with dedication, the new generation will make wiser choices for themselves. Then, it will go down through generations, instead of children seeing their parents smoke, they will be taught the same thing that caused their parents to make the free choice to not smoke. It is not through taking peoples freedoms away that our country will grow in a positive way, it is through letting them have the information they need to make correct choices and letting them make those choices that we will grow out of this deadly addiction."
The teacher asked me if I gave the other side of the argument, I thought I did................
Tobacco, next to pharmaceutical companies, is the next biggest tax income for any government followed very closely by alcohol. There is no way that they are going to eliminate any of the top three for fear of loss of revenue. Warnings on tobacco packages may stop a few from smoking but for every one that quits there are at least two or more that start. Two of the biggest reasons for starting to smoke is peer pressure and alcohol. Combine the two and you can increase smokers easilly. Go to almost any party where there are smokers and you will see others taking their first puff. Just as some drinkers get angry if you refuse a drink, so do some smokers who will call you names like,"Mama's boy, a wimp", and so on. How do I know this? It is becaus my first cigarette at age 12 was due to those words exactly. You want to be in the hip crowd an thes little taunts by other kids with gigarettes dangling from theit mouths in a Humphrey Bogart manner shames you into it. From then on you are pretty much hooked because the next time you see them you want to look as hip as they do so you place a gigarette between your lips and saunter in with that Jimmy cagney sneer and swagger.
Your essay was well written but as your teacher pointed out:
1) Test your thesis. Your thesis, i.e., argument, must have two sides. It must be debatable. If you can write down a thesis statement directly opposing your own, you will ensure that your own argument is debatable.
2) Disprove the opposing argument. Understand the opposite viewpoint of your position and then counter it by providing contrasting evidence or by finding mistakes and inconsistencies in the logic of the opposing argument.
3) Support your position with evidence. Remember that your evidence must appeal to reason.
Good job though keep on learnin ---Rick
1) Test your thesis. Your thesis, i.e., argument, must have two sides. It must be debatable. If you can write down a thesis statement directly opposing your own, you will ensure that your own argument is debatable.
2) Disprove the opposing argument. Understand the opposite viewpoint of your position and then counter it by providing contrasting evidence or by finding mistakes and inconsistencies in the logic of the opposing argument.
3) Support your position with evidence. Remember that your evidence must appeal to reason.
Good job though keep on learnin ---Rick
That class is coming :-)
Yeah, I like the personal help with it like I got here, and when I take that english comp class I can get the extras.
There were mistakes, not like drastic this paper needs a F mistakes, but there are some, and with both of your help, I can fix them.
There are interesting subjects in this weeks class to pick.
Yeah, I like the personal help with it like I got here, and when I take that english comp class I can get the extras.
There were mistakes, not like drastic this paper needs a F mistakes, but there are some, and with both of your help, I can fix them.
There are interesting subjects in this weeks class to pick.
You didn't make mistakes per se'. It's just that any writing is truly an art form. If you write well,even if the content is not what the reader cares about,it will still be good. You can do some reading about writing essays and papers. There's tons of info on the internet!
Also,as long as your already there,take an English Comp class at the college. It's never a waste!
Also,as long as your already there,take an English Comp class at the college. It's never a waste!
Cool, thank you two very much.
This will help me out a lot. I get like zero help in the class because people are afraid to step on others toes.
Hehe, Vicki, I had no idea I was making so many mistakes, since this is nothing but help, I really appreciate you putting me in my place.
Domino, I smoke but even when I didn't, I stood up for smokers rights.
Thanks again you two, it will help out a lot for my paper. :-)
This will help me out a lot. I get like zero help in the class because people are afraid to step on others toes.
Hehe, Vicki, I had no idea I was making so many mistakes, since this is nothing but help, I really appreciate you putting me in my place.
Domino, I smoke but even when I didn't, I stood up for smokers rights.
Thanks again you two, it will help out a lot for my paper. :-)
I won't speak to the content but I can speak to the essay:
You should define the noble experiment right in the beginning of the essay. Remember: "who,what,where,when" in your opening paragraph. Watch out for "wastebasket words" like "something". Say what the "something" is...
Be careful of run on sentences and try to change the structure of the sentences around.
Watch your grammar and punctuation. In writing,less is more. Try to say exactly what you want to convey in as few words as possible. Be succinct and point to references that support your opinions.
By the way,be careful with suggestions. For example,children ARE taught in school about the dangers of smoking,in PE,health class,and in Science class. At least in my state they are. Many essays require much research to make them informative and accurate. Opinions are fine but should always be backed up by hard data. Oh,and also in my state,
there are FREE "quit smoking" groups through the hospitals and nicotine patches are free for the asking.
You should define the noble experiment right in the beginning of the essay. Remember: "who,what,where,when" in your opening paragraph. Watch out for "wastebasket words" like "something". Say what the "something" is...
Be careful of run on sentences and try to change the structure of the sentences around.
Watch your grammar and punctuation. In writing,less is more. Try to say exactly what you want to convey in as few words as possible. Be succinct and point to references that support your opinions.
By the way,be careful with suggestions. For example,children ARE taught in school about the dangers of smoking,in PE,health class,and in Science class. At least in my state they are. Many essays require much research to make them informative and accurate. Opinions are fine but should always be backed up by hard data. Oh,and also in my state,
there are FREE "quit smoking" groups through the hospitals and nicotine patches are free for the asking.
COMMUNITY LEADER
What what be the pros and cons to losing the tobacco companies all together?
COMMUNITY LEADER
I am a smoker, so where are my rights?
I agree that knowledge is power and people do need to be aware of the dangers of smoking and starting with the young is a good thing.
What about the tobacco companies? Other than the warnings on the package what else can they do to make these safer? What about cost effective programs for those who do smoke and have tried to quit and have failed many times?
I agree that knowledge is power and people do need to be aware of the dangers of smoking and starting with the young is a good thing.
What about the tobacco companies? Other than the warnings on the package what else can they do to make these safer? What about cost effective programs for those who do smoke and have tried to quit and have failed many times?
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