missing "supermom"

[scaredmommy2005]

Was at the hospital all night last night until 6 am this morning. They thought he needed his appendix out but instead he has a kidney infection. I am SO drained! He is home for Atleast the rest of the week. With all the stress of him being sick I could of really used an NA meeting today. I feel that since I am so tired I am letting him down. I have no voice from my own illness and all I can do is hold him and do everything the doctor says but it still doesn't feel like I'm doing enough. I keep thinking if I would of kept taking the pills I would have more energy (addiction speaking) and then I think if I would of never took them in the first place I would have more energy as well. Either way I'm feeling crappy and I miss being super mom.

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

So sorry to hear that!!! That is so scary, taking your child to the ER. But if you have to, at least he's in a place where they can take care of him. Ive got a 3 yr old son and I know how helpless that feeling is. I will say prayers for both of you. I hope that things calm down and he gets better fast. Please let me know what happens. Stay strong!!!!!!!!!

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

That's the important thing - to stay strong when you tell yourself all the bad stuff.. We are our own worst critics. Sorry I keep talking in cliches, but some apply here. Write the day off as a bad one and know you've got a clean slate tomorrow. In the mean time, although you probably have NO motivation (that's what I felt all the time), watch a favorite funny movie, call a good friend and BS, keep it simple. Don't be too hard on yourself if you can help it. Cry if you need to, don't keep it in. You've got to feel accomplished, because when you used to feel like this, you'd take something. Now you're dealing, as best you can, with the feelings. You mentioned NA, but do you do any other aftercare like SA groups or therapy? I know that ? is annoying...just trying to help. Just know you are not alone. It will get better, I promise. Keep posting.

[scaredmommy2005]

Also since you all have been so great and praying for me can you please also pray for my son to get well? He is 6 years old and amazing. His fever is going back up so if I cant break it in the next hour its back to the emergency room.

[scaredmommy2005]

You know exactly how I feel. I am staying strong. I have to get through this. I keep telling myself today is just a rough day and its going to get better.

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

Hey girl, I know what you're going through. You're in the limbo stage right now. It's such a slow process and having children/a child is SO hard any time, but especially at the stage you're in now. As addicts, we want what we want NOW. Instant gratification is what we've gotten ourselves used to. Upset? Take something. Mad? Take something...tired? no energy? can't sleep? sad? stressed? well, take pills and you'll be ok in 15 minutes..

We get in that mode, and then during the earlier stages of recovery, we can't understand: I stopped the pills/drugs/alcohol, went through withdrawals, so why am i not 'back to normal'? (hence, my name here) and we want that normal now! I know it *****, you still feel inadequate at all you do, and as a mom myself, i know you feel guilt, and it'll translate into insecurities. Right now you're going through the motions, hoping your super mom gene will kick in. It's very upsetting to have your emotions telling you that you could do more, but the rest of you won't listen.

It's as if you're paralyzed not physically but mentally, and man is it frustrating. Take it from me: you will go back to 'normal', its going to take time. You weren't an addict overnight..even that takes some time. I used to get so mad at people when they'd say what Im saying to you. I was arrested twice and that didn't stop me; i NEVER thought Id be my old self. But day by day, things were a hairline better. And I know it seems right now that if you took your DOC that things would be better. But you and I both know that it wouldn't get better, it'd be worse. I don't know about you, but getting my vicodin was a fulllll time job, and then some. Im at the point now that I get nauseated at the thought of that life. But it took a long time and a lot of work to get here, trust me. At least you can recognize that it's your addiction talking. That's a great thing, even though to you it may not be.

Please please keep going. You're being honest with yourself and that's amazing, I commend you, that's a lot of work just to get to that point. Keep posting and keep up the fantastic work!! You're doing good. As addicts, we tend to beat ourselves up. It's easy, and we're used to the easy way out. Take the long road this time. It's work, but it's the most important and gratifying work you'll do.

[scaredmommy2005]

Thank you all so much for the support. I know I would probably feel like this if I wasn't getting off the pills but I still feel like I'm not good enough.

[littlebit667]

You would feel helpless with or without the withdrawals in the mix.  We always kick ourselves when our kids get sick.  Like we could make it not happen.  You are being a great mom.  You took him to the doctor and Er and now you are home with him making sure he is ok.  Give yourself a break.  I felt that way every time my kids were sick and I was not using then.  It will be OK.  He has you with him and that is all they care about.  Hope he gets well soon.  

[corbear]

Try to stay strong and positive. This will pass.!!!! I'm so sorry to hear your son is so sick. I know how hard it is to detox and take care of kids. My youngest is 2 and so very active. and he doesnt understand why mommy is just laying around and not playing with him. God its so hard. I just look at his sweet little face and tell myself you need to do this for him and my other kids. The other 2 are teenagers and are all about themselves right now. Anyway please hang in there!!!!!!!! Look at your little boy, see how sweet he is and you can get through this. Dont worry about anything else but him and yourself. You still need to take care of yourself for his sake. Take Care!!!! Good luck and god bless!!!

[scaredmommy2005]

I can't take a nap because I have to keep checking on the baby. His fever won't go under 102. The highest its been is 104.5. I wish he felt better. I can't stand when my son is sick, I feel so helpless. Mommy's are supposed to fix everything and I can't fix this. I don't have any NA numbers yet since I just started this new group and the last one scared me. This is not a good day.I just have to keep telling myself to say strong.

[LostNoMore]

You can get through this. i know you will. If you have any Phone#s from NA you could call and talk it out. that's rough I'll bet you're exhausted. Remember, you're shooting for the clean version of Supermom. You'll get there. Hang in there.can you take a nap?

[jlannspr]

I understand! I do not have children, but only used when I wanted energy to do something. I found that after an hour of using and $10 to $20 wasted, I was more tired than before. I've found that I don't have as much energy now that I'm clean, but it does last a lot longer.