Please help me get back on the horse.....really need your help!

[jvette345]

Hi Everyone,

I'm really hoping that your support here somehow helps me but I know I'll never get through this unless I actually tough it out. To give you a brief summary - been an opiate addict since 2008 and have been in and out of recovery since. I had 20 months sober in January and relapsed around the end of that month. I have been using 5-10 30MG oxycodone per day since than and have been struggling to get sober ever since.

I cannot even begin to describe the hopelessness and terror of the last few months. As the typical addict life goes - I have told myself that only "tomorrow" will be the day but I cannot even get through day one. A few weeks ago I made it 36 hours but caved in. I've completely screwed myself as I had two weeks off work (was planning on detoxing) but failed miserably. I went back to work today and I will now have to endure withdrawal while working (assuming I can make tomorrow Day one). I have no choice but to tough it out and will have to do so. I have an office job at a small startup so luckily I do not have to deal with many other employees.

I know that by Day 3/4 I will start to feel better but I have not been able to get there. The 20 months I had sober were amazing and I am a big proponent of AA and working a program. I have meetings here that I can go to and know many sober people (I live in Northern CA and the AA community here is huge) that I can reach out to. My head is just my own worst enemy. Prior to going to bed I will tell myself that no matter what I will not use tomorrow and than upon awakening the first thing my head says is to go get loaded.

I know the next 4-5 days will be horrendous and that I've really screwed myself in having to work while doing this. Luckily, I have diazepam and clonidine which will help but I cannot take these until I get home after work, as I will be way too out of it to work if I take them during the day. That being said I could use all the encouragement and prayer from all you other sober people on the forum. Today I intended on stopping and made it to my lunch break at which point I drove to my dealer's house and bought 6 30s. I have one more left and want this so badly to be the last one.

I want the sober me back. I don't want to live this life and I hate everything that comes along with addiction - the lying, the misery, the deceit,  the depression, the fighting off withdrawal. Being sober is SO much easier but GETTING sober is another thing ( as the saying goes: It's easier to stay sober than get sober - at least it was in my case). So, I think that's it for now. I'm open to whatever you all have to say and am hoping that tomorrow is the day. This week is going to SUCK at work since I will be in full on withdrawal but really hope that I can get through it. Five rough days after which point I will start to feel like my old sober self.

Thanks in advance for your help!

[dj47]

hello i know detoxing is pure hell ...i tried detoxing many times and always failed..it wasnt me that wanted to quit it was my family...this time is different, i was put on a step down and omg it worked, i felt none of the bad symptoms. i went to my dr and told him the truth and he helped me. if your intrested it takes 2 pills and can share the plan that helped me..oh and the pills are valium and norco or whatever you take.....let me know ...i am so blessed i have 16 days clean...god bless

[OpenMind24hours]

I know exactly where you are in you're fight.  I went back out after 27 years clean a and sober in AA from just one Vicodin. It took a while after that first one, but it happened. Then it took 3 years to rack the almost 9 months clean I now have. I kept thinking WTF I'm not giving up much time, why not go get one... and then I'd go back out again.

I wish I could put my finger on what finally happens to break the stalemate and relay it to you... It seemed to be a series of things. I started losing interest in what I always had an interest in,  constant depression about being out using, didn't care about anything but using, using took the priority over everything in my life, using stopped working for me (chasing a high I never could catch) and using just to feel normal, running out WAY early. But WTF what else is new. That's the normal life of addiction to opiates. Always chasing never catching. ...but I really couldn't stop until I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired. Then I ran out and i said that's it I'm done. I did just what you just did. I went on here and posted. But I went to my doctor and told him no more I'm addicted. I cut off my sources. I actually sabotaged my sources and supply. Then, as soon as the WDs allowed, I went back to NA and got a white key tag of total surrender. I HAD to have that accountability.  I go every f--ing day of the week if possible. My entire life depends on it, like its chemo or something. I can't mess around. I work the program and I'm doing a 4th step study with 4 people from my home group. I chair my home group and make coffee. I've been on this site every day for almost 9 months. I'm surrounded in the atmosphere of recovery completely. The recovering addict is addiction's worst enemy. Without recovery I have nothing. But it's hard. Sometimes I crave. I share that at my meetings, and I just shared it with you. That's what we have to do to live.

It's going to be very hard to start out but you can do this. You WILL do this. You've made a good start by admitting how powerless u are and you've asked for help.

[ActingBrandNew]

My biggest concern for you is the amount you were taking. 5-10 30MG oxycodone per day will put a hurtin on you cold turkey and the fact that you plan on working in this condition causes one to pause...thats good that you have a support base and plan on hitting a meeting but what will you do to deal with the detox symptoms while at work?

I know I dont know you nor your whole situation but I do know besides the fact that your "head is your worst enemy" you will be feeling pretty bad which makes it easy for that mind to rationalize and keep you in addiction. I believe going cold turkey on anything "hard" should either be done in a detox facility OR under the care of a doctor. If those arent options...the good ole taper plan to bring you down to a not so "hard" situation will thus make that final jump/transition much easier.

I asked if you had anyone that was not an addict that you could come clean to and that would hold you accountable. Someone that could help you with a taper that is NOT an addict. I dont know...Ive just been around this for a hot minute and Ive seen the various scenarios...like I said above...just a concern....because as someone who has also struggled with addiction...yes, I am concerned for you friend.

Always,
ABN

[kyle505]

As long as you have a dealer you will use. Bottom line. When you set up roadblocks - make getting meds difficult - then you might see some progress. Are you in a relationship? Is there anyone who can help? If so you need to set up a support system. And if your using is a secret, then you need to tell it, or you'll continue to use behind it.  You are an addict. Your mind is in control thus each night you tell yourself that tomorrow will be different but it never will be until you don't have access to meds. And until you tell someone about your addiction and your dealer.
K

[jvette345]

Thanks for both of your replies! I really appreciate you guys taking the time to respond to me. I just need to suck this up and be done. I'm ready to get back on with my life and get sober. I know how great I feel when not on this crap and hate that I decided to go back down this road. I take full responsibility for making the sober decision to return to using - it was a sad and stupid one.

ActingBrandNew - thank you for your suggestions and support. I have friends in the program who I have came clean with which helps but I know all to well how to isolate and keep using. My plan is to get through the day tomorrow and hopefully drag my butt to a meeting after work regardless of how bad I feel. I know I always feel better after going to a meeting and I need all the support that I can get at this point. I'm slowly killing myself and this is not the life I want for myself.

I plan to post tomorrow during the day at work and will try to check in with you all regularly in hopes that posting will help me make it through the day.

[Andie015]

What did u do to get to 20 months?  You know how great sobriety feels..  you just have to remember what you did and how great it feels. You need to harness that old feeling and get through this. It's easy for me to say but it's another for you to accomplish it. But as you know it can be  done!  Immerse yourself in the program if that works for you, and carry this out. We all say "tomorrow is the day".  But it comes and goes with no progress....it's all up to you and how you decide to get through it. You need to make up your mind that this is it. It's so easy for some of us to say, but we have all been or are now in your shoes. I am almost 8 months sober from a terrible 13 year addiction, not even as far as you got. So if I can do it, so can you!!  This is completely up to you and what direction you choose to follow.... You can do this, you know you can, so take your addiction by the ba@$s and hold on tight, you have done it before and can do it again, just believe that it can be done and you can over come this. It ***** to go backwards, so make the decision to go forwards.... Good luck to you, let us know how you are doing...

[ActingBrandNew]

"My head is just my own worst enemy. Prior to going to bed I will tell myself that no matter what I will not use tomorrow and than upon awakening the first thing my head says is to go get loaded."

Aint that the truth!

I have to say, it sounds like you are really cognitive of your situation and that you have a plan but cant get passed the first few days. You mentioned getting your pills from a dealer so Im just going to assume that your doctor has no clue of whats going on in your life. I will also assume that since you work in an office job you might possible have health insurance. If so...and if you have a decent relationship with your doc...make an appointment and ask for help. See if he/she will help you with a tapering plan. Do you have someone in your life that knows your situation or that you can come clean with and ask them for help? If so, they can be a part of your taper plan (if thats what you chose)

5-10 30MG oxycodone per day is a lot and I can completely understand why you cave in 36 hours into a cold turkey detox. Im not co-signing and saying that you should continue to use so you can avoid feeling like shhh...but rather maybe you should try a different approach this time. Im a big proponent of change and recognizing what didnt work once may very well fail a second time.

Im also in California....down south though. We are fortunate in CA because there are soooo many recovery options....half the state is using while the other half is in recovery....

So to sum it up....if you dont already...get someone involved that you can trust who is NOT and addict that is willing to help you.

Prayers your way.

Always,
ABN