I could use some help with my life.......

[itsover123]

I am new to the idea of looking outside of friends and relatives. First I would like to thank each and everyone of you who read this. I think forums like this can be such a great tool for people looking for help and knowledge.

Before I go on I would like to tell you guys a bit about myself. Im 22 years old and I live in a small town in the northwest. Not like hillbilly small more like suburbia. I am 100% drug free and have been my whole life.

I am curently in a one year and a few month relationship with a meth addict. She has been doing meth for a total of 6 years. When we first got together all the way into the first six months of our relationship I had no idea of her drug use. Until one night she told me everything. With her this a family thing and in the last year she has done it exclusively with her mother. In the last year it has been much more spuradtic (spelling?) of use. Instead of every day it turned into more of a once or twice a week thing. Once she told me what was going on at her house and that she wanted to end the cycle I asked her to move in with me to get away from her mother so she wouldn't be around drugs. This worked for a bit a few months at most then she slipped up a few times. The everything thing has seemed great in the last 3 or so months but this past weekend she has confessed to me that she has done it once in the last couple of months.

You guys im at my wits end. When she isn't on drugs she is such a happy person. She is the type that if you meet her you wouldn't even think she does meth. I have never been able to tell when she has be on drugs. She dosent go out and seek it at all its only when visiting her mother that and its offered to her that she accepts. She wants to be clean. She has told me over and over how bad she wants it. The logical thing would be for her to stop seeing her mother. She wont. She says she cant leave her mother all alone that she knows her mom needs her. Naturally I find this disturbing. After everything her mother has put her through she still wants to be around her. Should this be enough for me to know that she isn't going to take her sobriety seriously?

She told me that she wants too see someone and get counseling to help her out. She has been under the influence of drugs drugs for so long she has trouble communicating her feelings. I can see this as only as a positive.  Im also really hoping hear from someone besides me that she needs to cut people that use out of her life that use might  make an impact. So i guess i really just want some suggestions from you guys, everyone has been through this before. I really care about this girl.  She's great and we enjoy each other so much. With the stigma that is attached to meth addicts its so hard for me to understand I could care for her so much. I don't want to run away from this. She has no one positive in her life besides me my friends and my family, but sometimes my gut tells me to cut my losses and run. When is enough enough? Is it when you think you have done all that you can do for someone?  She's really afraid of seeing someone professionally about this. She hasn't ever really opened up or taken a proactive approach to her drug use before. Any help or insight that you could give me would be great. I just don't want to stress her out right now with ALL of my concerns right now.

Sorry the story is so long I just wanted you guys to know the background *** much as possable.

Thanks                

[mtgoat911]

my husband quit a year after i got clean, so i have been the addict and the spouse of an addict
as an addict i will be a hard butt and tell you to get you tale to an narconon meeting or atleast read alonons courage to change
addiction is a disease a family disease left untreated the addict will die or end up in an institution, and their loved ones can also be taken down with them
i remember that my mom had to get on an anti-depressant because of my addiction, but later she found alonon, then she set some boundaries, basically i had to get clean or leave her life until i can do that
and later on in life i had to ask my husband to into treatment or sign divorce papers
addicts/people need boundaries
tonight if you can ,, goto the book store and by No More Letting Go,
http://www.nomorelettinggo.com/about.html
when we are on the other side of something it is so easy to say "just tell them to leave" but i remember how bad i wanted my husband to get clean
i choose the no more letting go option because he had already hit so many bottoms, death was the only thing left for him
he went from being a respected pharmacutical engineer, to a junkie, i am sure he seemed worthless to some but to me he was my husband and best friend
xo

[itsover123]

Thanks

[newmanagment]

not so much as covering your own , as making her accountable for her addiction bro. As addicts, WE MUST be held accountable for our actions. Otherwise we will always tend to relapse when unaccountable. See, we CHOOSE to use dope, so we have to face the fact that we made that decision to use, and deal wit it . No one makes us use, not my freinds , not her mom! WE use because we choose to, and we say NO because we choose to! You ain gotsta be her jailer, but you if your doing this together , YOU are the one that is responsible for holding HER accountable for her actions! She may cuss ya, n hate on ya for a minute, but shell love ya that much more in the long run! You will learn alot about accountability partners in NA, tho they don suggest signifigant others to be the one, yall can get by that if your relationship is stong enough.

[itsover123]

Yeah I am a very patient when it comes to her at least. I was think about the random drug test thing but there are a few downsides to that. i really dont want her to feel like I am in charge of her. I want he to feel like were doing this together. But I guess it would be like covering my own but right?

[newmanagment]

No, alanon meetings are more for families. they can be found thru your local AA meetings tho. Also, if you google AA , it will give you a chance to search by zipcode. there is probably a meeting every day if you look hard enough. Us addicts need ALOT of daily support LOL. n as far as preventinggoin to moms , tell her if she goes and uses she betta just stay there, steada draggin her butt back to your crib! also, if she says she wont use, hold her accountable. get some pee test from wal-greens, make her use em randomly. this holds her accountable. if she drops dirty, ask her why steada yellin. if ya r gonna do this wit her, patiance betta be onea your virtues bro! wut it really is gonna boil down to is wether she wans to be clean....

[itsover123]

I understand what your saying. The only issue with her mom is that live like 5 minutes away, so if she wants to go there is nothing i can do to prevent it. These alanon meetings are they just AA? I have noticed that AA meeting are almost exclusively on weekdays and it would be hard for us to get into a routine due to her working different days throughout the week.  

[itsover123]

Right now she has been clean for a couple of months. For the first 4 or 5 years it was a everyday thing. Week long benders and all. In the past year since I have been with it has slowed down considerably. Im not sure how I never picked up on anything that she was using. Call it naive but i still don't see anything indications from the past. Im very interested in the vitamin supplements. She can sleep like noooo other. Im talking some days 13-14 hours. Im sure that is due to her being off the meth. I can tell she is still guarded about talking to me about this. She hasn't had any real connections with people besides drug related in some years. I want to try to get us into a one on one (or one on two) type of situation with a professional drug counselor. Any more info on the vitamin sups that my help her with energy or any other things? Thank you guys so much im learning so very much and am feeling more confident per post I read.

[newmanagment]

Bro, try the alanon meetings. they are for families of addicts, n they will help you to understand wut will be happenin wit your girl while she is cleanin up.
go to moms wit her, don make her chose between moms n you, make her choose between sobriety or using. I have quite a few friends that smoke meth, and im a cocaine smoker, so I feel where she is right now. She wants to be clean, she wants to be happy wit you, but her addiction overrides all that and she ends up at moms smokin dope. Not where she wants to be, but thas where her addicted mind will take her. You can get some couples counseling, so you can get your input there, as well as learn more wayz to cope. wuteva ya do bro, don loose yourself to much to all this. remain who you are, dont spend eva wakin minute worryn bout whether she is gonna use or not. Help her, love her, support her, but dont loose yourself doin that, feel me?

[itsover123]

Thanks for the insight. If I would have known this form the start I wouldn't have bothered but im too emotionally attached now. I honestly think that if i put it down like "your not going to your moms" I would get a very good response. When you go into counseling with another person are there opportunities to really talk if your just the boyfriend trying to help her out? As much as she needs help i need help couping with putting myself into this I also feel like I could do alot of help talking to him one on one so he could give me things that I can do to help out while were at home and i would also like to stress the mom situation.  

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

First - it may not be over. Dont really feel qualified to give "life counseling" - but will take a shot. Sounds to me like you do have a long road ahead of you. But not an impossible one. May take a lot of time investment. Just want you to know that. Besides, I never give best case scenario's - that way you can be so glad it wasnt as bad as I said. There is certainly a stigma about meth people. But they are not all toothless hillbilly bikers. So she was around for awhile and you didnt even know she was doing it? Then she got square with you and got off for a few months. Now when she sees mom she also does some meth? A couple times a week? She is uncomfortable seeing a professional - but has agreed to...... Its tough that Mom is a trigger / supplier for her. How would controlled visits - you go along - work? She has really done well for a first attempt and no counseling to have gone for a few months. We dont have many meth people here since its not a physical addiction. No physical withdrawls at least. But it is a tough one to quit. Look at her few months without using and consider this a relapse. We all know what a relapse is here. I dont suppose Mom would be interested in getting clean also? That would be too much to ask. But I would ask. I would also try and get her and / or you - or both - into a professional area somehow. First steps. Whatever she is comfortable with - even NA or a similar group. Just take a positive step. Of course a professional drug counselor would be ideal. Many are working with meth now. I would also push nutrition very hard. Vitamins, supplements, and all. Can get more specific if you wish to PM me. These folks are generally working with fractured ego's. Dont come across as sounding superior or issuing ultimatums. That wont work. Get past this first step and you can continue to build your relationship. And best of luck to you - this is one lucky lady you found......................

[newmanagment]

As addicts we have to change three things, people , places , and things. She has to distance herself from her mother, no matter how much she loves her. ALL of my old friends are cocaine users, or at least most of them. I love em like brothers and sisters, but I cant jeoperdize my sobriety because of my love for em! As for how much does one take, that depends on you bro. How much do you love her? seems to me must be alot or you woulnt be here with questions, youd be out shoppin for a new girl. So stick round if you feel there is still hope, but wuteva ya do, don enable her to use! She wants to go see mom, go wit her. Or don let her go at all n come back to you. Give her a choice, stick wit you n stay clean, or go hang wit mom n hit the pipe. If she is serious bout quitting, she can. It can be done, but damn she gotsta want it, n not just for you but for herself too. best a luck, let us know how it all turns out!

[itsover123]

Also thank you both so much for taking time out of your lives to give me a hand.

[itsover123]

That what I have tried to explain to here. That is why im really hoping she will see differently coming from someone else.

[lovepat906]

Take her to a Alanon meeting. They are families of addicts. They will help her understand her co-dependance. There is usually one somewhere in a community-look up AA in the phone book. They'll send you a brochure with locations and schedules.Go with her. Make it a couples therapy. Good luck and God bless.

[cathy5841]

a major key to recovery is to severe all ties to the source of your drug of choice...even family members....addictions is along hard struggle.  try to get her to go to na.  good luck