Need some help please -long

[tsk2013]

So I am a long time Vicodin user/abuser.  I started using after a car accident years ago - 2003 I think. Anyhow, like most over time the addictin got worse and took a hold of me.   I have quit over the years, usually only because I ran out, didn't have money, dr. wouldn't rx anymore - all the typical reasons - my story is very cliche....  
I have quit an stayed clean for extended periods of time.  I have never gone thru withrawl so bad that I couldn't go to work - I basically will only go to work during withrawl and then home to bed and do not much else until I start to feel a little better but, then the cravings get the best of me and I am back at it again...  The longest clean I have had is maybe 4-8 months, I honestly don't remember.

Oh my usage is about 14-18 7.5 Vicadin a day or percocet 10's - whatever I can get my hands on...

I have blown thru so much money I am sick over it.

I am a 37 year old female...

Here is the kicker - I am 38 weeks pregnant.  My doctor has no clue about this and I see a highrisk OB ue to my age and having had five previous miscarriages.  My boyfriends mother is the office manager at my Dr.'s office so i am scared to eath for her to see anything in my chart if I tell my Dr. and I actually come from a big loving supportive family as does my boyfriend, we just  had  a baby shower Sunday and everyone is so excited for this baby but, no one obviously knows about my secret. So far going by Ultrasounds and other testing  throughout the pregnancy the baby has been doing great.  I on the other hand hate myself. I still fin myself in disbelief that I am pregnant with a healthy baby and made it this far.

I was in a very abusive marriage that I left 2 years ago and within that marriage I had 5 miscarriages that devestated me and I basically thought I would never have children.(Hence the depenency that I developed on painkillers).  I met a truly wonderful guy and we are so excited for this baby.  I stopped taking all painkillers a week ago an did have some withrawl but, managed it pretty well.  I don't feel great but, I don't feel awful.  I am 38 weeks pregnant therefore comfort is an issue with or without the withdrawl.  The baby is super active and like I said doing great.  

I am prou of myself for getting off the drugs and staying off - a week in and case is a big deal.... an I know by my dr. appointments that even though the baby is showing no sign of coming yet, that could change by the minute....  I just kept telling myself thru the pregnancy "Next week I will quit" "When I run out of this bottle" "I will just get one more bottle and wean with those"...  My brain loves to play tricks on me and next I know I am 37 weeks pregnant and had it...  

I love my baby, let me repeat - I LOVE THIS BABY - I know I have hurt him in some way shape or form, I just don't know exactly to what extent..

I am seeing the r. Thursday and like at every previous appointment I want to tell her but, chicken out...... I am off the pills and will not go back on them esp. until this little guy is out... I just don't know if telling her matters, if I even can tell her.  If they suspect something when he is born or if there is god forbid a problem of course I will fess up an be honest... I am just so lost and scared and alone.  If god forbid something comes up at birth - what are the rules with discretion??  I am so embarrassed on top of all of this...  Please help

[tsk2013]

Thank You.... I am still worried about CPS or the baby having withdraws but, at this point as long as I don't give into my cravings than what can I do.... I cannot reverse time - and even if I could, I would probably still have used...  I just have to move forward and take what happens and deal with it.   There is a big part of me that wants the baby to stay in for two weeks until I am 41 weeks so that he has the best chance of being fully clean as do I and there is another part of me that wants to deliver him today so that I can see that he is OK or what have I done

[hope6hope]

Congrats on your baby and stopping the vicodins. Please do your best to not give in to your cravings. I worked in a OB office before and they can test your blood or urine at anytime without your permission. They will most likely test your babies meconium depending on what state your in. But where I'm at they have to if there are any suspicions at all or if they know you were using. But I think you will be completely find as long as any urine or blood test of yours don't come back dirty. That will show yes you used during pregnancy but You stopped for your baby. So don't worry about that cps isn't going to take your baby from you. I was just letting you know they may test the meconium so you didn't get upset and freak out if they did.
I would make sure you have noway to get vicodin anymore and maybe start going into some sort of aftercare. Good luck with the birth of your baby. I hope all goes well.

[YesLife4Me]

First of all congratulations on a healthy baby and coming clean with your dr.  I was relieved to see you did so.  Was worried cps would get involved and that's scary!   Anyhow, with the cravings, if you know you can score some, it makes the cravings worse.  You need to cut your sources too.  Just like telling your dr, it is a big relief to know there are no more pills to be had.  Then when cravings hit, it is much easier to dismiss them because you know you can't take anything.  They come and go for a while.  They are most intent in the first few weeks.  Im 80 some days and I still get an fleeting thought or craving.   Please tell your source you are done.  Delete their contact info from your phone.  

[tsk2013]

So I told the Doctor at my last appointment.  She told me that since I had already stopped taking the vicadin to stay off of it.  She gave me a very long Non-Stress Test for the baby and he passed with flying colors.  She also had me do a test call a Biophysical Profile which, is an ultrasound and that too he passed just fine.  She said that she will keep a close eye on him when born amd alert the pediatrician on staff.  She assured me to stay calm and that it is best to try to keep the baby in until 41 weeks if I can because the enviornment inside is very soothing to the baby and will gradually move anything left over thru his system...  I felt very releved talking to her and she also assured me that this would all be kept confidential.

Here is my only problem.... My cravings.... I havent touched anything other than Tylenol or Immodium in two weeks.  I am past the physcal withdrawl other then general discomfort and headaches and I think that is also due to being 39 weeks pregnant...  But, the cravings are terrible and they really screw with my head.   I know if I wanted to get my hands on Vicadin today i could and it would make me "feel better" but, only for the short term and the doctor knows I stopped taking the pills two weeks ago and if she were to test me or the baby she is expecting clean test's.... I HATE these cravings... I just wish I could turn them off in my head before I cave in.....  When will it go away!!

[ricart70]

there should be way more posts on this thread telling you that what you need to do is tell your doctor immediately.

[tsk2013]

I am not sure what Lyrica is but, I have no intention of taking anything else and risking that.

[Pat1956100]

Just want to point out that Lyrica is not a miracle drug.  Try going off of it.  The withdrawals are worse than opiate withdrawals.
Just google it and see how many people are trying to get off of Lyrica and going through hell.  I wish I had before I started it.

[vicki595]

Don't take anything now, until you speak with your doctor. You have to speak with your doctor,and she'll keep your chart away from your MIL.  

You took a lot of pills everyday. The baby may be addicted now and that would explain the increase in activity. You need to call the doctor today and just tell her over the phone. Don't wait another minute. It's the right thing to do.

Keep in mind that when you do get to the hospital to deliver, they'll do a tox screen on you. It's standard procedure.

I know you're scared and sick but you have the choice to be a good mother here and I know you are...make that call.

[tsk2013]

Thank You so much for all the kind responses - it certainly does help - I am having a har time with all the cravings and so tempted to take something but, I know that will just set me back.....

[shezzreal]

I want to make a couple of comments about myself Here so people will not get the wrong idea about me. I have been addicted to prescription pain killers before so I have been in your shoes as far as that is concrened. I got them under control because of a drug called lyrical which helped my chronic facial pain but which also stopped the craving for the pain killers all the time. Actually it was a miracle drug for me. It took away withdrawals completely to where I can do without any pain meds if the pain is better. My pain management doctor is wonderful and will give me more pain meds if I need them but with the lyrica I do not have that intense desire to have as much as I can get and the stronger the better - now I just go with the flow and let my pain dictate my need. The lyrica also took my anxiety away about the chronic pain and about wanting pills all of the time. It also helped my depression. Miracle drug if you ask me. It might be something you want to check in on after your baby is born. Best wishes and God bless you - I will put you in my prayers. Know that a crazy idiot in Missouri has your back!

[shezzreal]

No one has the right to judge you or anyone else for that matter. Jesus said do not judge lest you will be judged. I agree with several of the comments here. Just stay away from vicodin ect from here on out. You will be clean and so will the baby and as far as a meconium test they only do that if they have suspicions. And again if urine and blood are clean they would have to have some pretty strong suspicions from something else and what could that possibly be? As long as the baby is growing well - drug babies tend to be small - and seems strong on ultrasound you are probably ok. Also, the is a big God up there that is just waiting to help He is just waiting for you to ask Him and remember He is a merciful God and not there to condemn but to help. Just forgive yourself for the past as He will and focus on the future you have a lot to live for!

[GraciesMommie]

I can totally relate! Our stories our identical (pain medicine and pregnant).. I was ashamed, full of guilt couldnt sleep because all i would do is think about what could happen when my little girl was born..CPS, her not beng healthy Even though all the ultrasounds and all said she was doing and developing great and always kept a good steady heartbeat..I  also ate very healthy being pregnant (even more those last few weeks) making sure that I had my daily intake especially of Folic Acid..Calcium..wheats and grains fruit veggies..etc...Every one i took i said "this is my last".. Finally at 37 weeks i was able to fully quit.. I didn't take a single thing after that.. I drank tons of water (to help  with my fluid..i felt like it was helping cleanse it out for the baby..The first few days, i was MILDLY moody, but didnt have any problems sleeping.. and a slighty messed up stomach ( i took about 4 percs a day) Anyway, I stayed hydrated because Withdrawl will send you into labor very easily.. and i wanted to go as long as i could being pregnant so i knew it would be out of my system and my little girls..(whcich takes 3-4days urine and up to 7 days in your blood).. and you need to allow double that time for it to be  out of the babies system, so that precious little one won't have to suffer the pain of Withdrawl.. I finally had my little girl Feb 2nd, after 23 days of being clean.. during labor i was worried that she was going to show signs of withdrawl even though, i hadn't done anything in almost a month..she came out breathing and doing great! She scored an 8/9 on her Newborn screening Test. Pediatrician that came in to check on her said she was a perfect 100. She was a happy baby, but did seem to sneeze alot more and was kind of jumpy, but i really think that was just from being a newborn.. by the time we left to go home from the hospital (24 hrs later) she was no longer doing either. She has slept peacefully since the night she was born. I know I wrote a book to you, but just a month ago I was going thru forums looking to see what could happen, and writing post just like you are.. But nothing happened, CPS didn't come in, and we were discharged 24 hrs.. Make sure you dont take anything else from here on out.. and you will test clean, along with the baby..as long as they dont do a  meconium test.. (That can trace back to you being 5 months pregnant) but its very rare that they do that.. good look and let us know how everything goes!

[clean_in_ks]

Hey Dorene.....just to clarify....Clean in Ks isn't pregnant (lol) but I'm sure the original poster, tsk2013, will know your message is for her. :)

[Dorene911]

Oh dear - yo must tell her so they can have a pediatrician standing by when the baby is born.  8 hours before my son was born the hospital gave me a shot of morphine.  When my son was born he was born not breathing because of the morphine - if my DR. hadn't been on the ball my son would have died.  They had to give him NARCAN immediately
Im sure your baby will be ok - but be fair - its your job no as a mother and as wonderful as it is there are times it *****.

[clean_in_ks]

I understand shame and embarassment...most of us here, do....whether we are "with child" or not.  Addiction is an illness in our brains....some undertand this,others do not...BUT, honesty is the ONLY way.  For you, for your baby, for the future.  It's SO important to have faith in your OB and it sounds like you really do....having had 5 previous miscarriages and being classified as "high risk" but yet being this far along is HAPPY, HAPPY news.  However, knowing that babies are tested when born, if you can dig down deep and find the courage to share ALL your fears w/your OB....so many future problems can be avoided.  It would be much more devastating to have child protective services called when your sweet boy arrives and THEN the whole family will find out anyway.  You can share your fears, your addiction and your concerns about your boyfriend's mom working there for a start and go from there.  You will feel SO much better if you do.

Maybe try putting just "your big toe in the water" at first, and go from there.
The stress you are feeling about this is robbing you of your joy at a very special time in your life.  Please check back and let us know how you are~

    

[tsk2013]

Thank you for your reply...  I cannot go to another DR. it is way too late in the pregnancy and this Dr. is an excellent high risk OB.  I am too afraid to tell her because of shame and embarrassment but, I think I may have to at some point.

[Belly12345]

You're not a bad mom. You are among many people who are going through or who have gone through the same thing. These pills can be the best and worst thing.

I have never been pregnant but I know that taking the pills can sometimes be the only thing that is important and you wake up and say" I'm done with it" but it's hard. I think you should say something to your dr. They have to be private. Go to another dr where your mom- in- law doesn't work.

You can always come here to get support.