Am I addicted?

[LPB]

This is the first time I have admitted to anyone let alone myself I might have a problem.
I started having panic attacks over a year ago due to a divorce, job change, move etc.  My dr. prescribed Diazapham.  It worked.  But I also drink as well, probably 3-4 glasses of wine a night.  I am now seeing a social worker and have an appointment with a psychatrist this week for meds.  They currently put me on Prozac, which I can't take, makes me have terrible anxiety, tremors, sweats etc.  Stopped taking at at once.  I am also taking Zanax.  5mg once a day.  It makes the panic subside but not for as long of periods of time as it did before.  I am worried that the jitters I get are alcohol related as well.  Is combining the 2 at such a low dose truly dangerous and how do I just stop drinking?  I want to be able to have a glass of wine with friends but not every night.
Any suggestions?  I am in a very lonely place right now and would appreciate the help.

[Witchywoman]

Sounds like we all have similar stories!  At least we are not totally alone!

Well, while I don't have a perfect relationship with my husband, we do have a lot of problems, I'm glad I am there because in the end I have to admit a lot of the problems we have stem from my addiction, and the fact that for almost 5 years, I was basically emotionally gone from the marriage, shutting him out and going for the vics every night. I confessed the whole thing to him and have his support in staying clean now, but I did almost blow it.  He is not perfect either, but for me, so far, staying was the right choice.   He kept telling me over and over for years that he missed me, he wasn't sure what was wrong, but he felt lonely even though I was right there by his side.  

Now another issue we face is...how to deal with sex and chronic back pain.  Now that is problem!!! ugh.

love,
WW

[Leigh]

Butterbean, what you said about leaving your husband really hit home for me. I left my long-term boyfriend, and sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing. He was controlling and argumentative and afraid of marriage, but at least he loved me. Sometimes I wonder if I left him because I felt that false sense of Vicodin-induced security. But then I remember the arguments and the hell I went through, and I feel confident that I did the right thing. I just wish it wasn't so hard being alone.

I also have trouble dating. After working all day, I don't have the energy to engage in conversations. And I also can't stand the prospective men that await me. It seems like 99 percent of the dating scene consists of complete freaks. I recently met someone who I really like, but being insecure, I find myself questioning our relationship every five minutes. I wish I could just be thankful and enjoy things.

I would love to join a gym, but after moving out and living on my own now, I can't seem to find the cash. I agree that working out would be a wonderful way to beat my addiction--and meet people, but I can't seem to make that first step.

Just too many thoughts, ya know? Did I make the right decision--and if yes, why am I so lonely now? Am I lonely because of my addiction? And why am I so afraid to face myself and my loneliness? I always thought I was a strong person, but lately I've been feeling like a real coward. Instead of facing these questions head on, I just keep numbing myself and hoping that it will all magically disappear.

I know I should probably go to a 12-step meeting, instead of sitting on my couch or driving around in my car. But I've been to meetings before, and I feel like the whole thing is so contrived. But if I could walk into a meeting and have the room filled with everyone from this forum...wow. I'd be there in a heartbeat.

Leigh

[butterbean]

It is good to hear from you WW.  As I said I think I did the right thing by leaving, but, I can't look back now. I understand completely about your dancing.   My daughter danced from the time she was 2 until 18 andthen decided not to go professional.  I am still proud of her though, and she is a hard worker.  I used to go to the gym and work out religiously until I started working full-time on my master's.  Then with working full-time and school full-time, I had no time left. I joined the gym for my body, mind and to get out of the house. I am isolated except for my children.  I have a fear of dating!  I guess because of the  pain I have been through.  But, I am clean now from vicodin again.  I still think I may have to get a small perscription, but, I want to see how I can deal with this pain without the narcotic.  I hurt so bad yesterday and didn't take anything but motrin.  I put a heating pad on when I laid down, and took two hot baths.  I feel good this morning, like I have a lot to live for! Some days when I took the meds I would just keep taking them and ly and bed and sleep, as if that was what I wanted.  What was I hiding from?  MY loniness, my self, my fear I think!!
Take care WW and keep posting.  You sound great and my fingers are crossed for you to keep dancing.  I wish I could dance.  Always wanted to.
Love Butterbean

[Witchywoman]

Hi Butterbean!
God..your story sounds so much like mine, except I didn't leave my husband. I came close, but decided to stay and I don't regret it.

Good for you for joining a gym.  I joined one a month and a half ago, and I swear, it helps my back pain a lot.  I use the elyptical machine, and it really helps.  I've also been doing strength training. I've always been really athletic, because I've been a dancer for 12 years, so it hasn't been too hard to get back to it after a forced 6 months off (due to the surgery).

What is making me worry is that I"m not sure I'll be able to do middle eastern dance anymore, and it is my favorite creative outlet. I tried to do a bit this weekend and paid a high pain price for it. My Doc says it may still be too early.  This may seem like a small issue, but to me it is really huge...dance is what has given me sanity and brought me more joy than I can say. Giving it up, if I have to, will be hard.

We're in the same line of work too! I bet you completely understand the feeling of giving and giving all day long, and then wanting to just come home and shut the world out with pain pills, huh? I did that for a few years....it is good to have my life back, but it is still a day by day choice for me.

take care Butterbean..thanks for being there.
love,
WW

[butterbean]

Leigh you sound so much like me, except younger.  After 21 years of marriage, I think the hydrocodone helped me believe I could do anything and I left. I was a different person, a happy person, for a while.  that's what the drug does at first, then yu get depressed when you start taking too much for the pain.  I am still going to take once in a while as I have chronic pain.  LPB, I also just joined the gym today.  I was a fanatic up until 3 years ago, getting divorced and going back to school full-time and working full=time too all my time.  I have come home and laid in that drug induced stoop so many times.  Made me feel on ttop of the world, no pain, no emotional pain.  I do want someone else in my life, but, I am afraid of what I will find.  I sometimes wished I had stayed with my husband, but, I know that was the right thing to do.  I am isolated at work and home so now the gym will help and my muscles will bring back my self-esteem and even help my back , I hope.  Leigh, hang in there.  Try to see what's around you and if yu can slowly let the drugs go.  If you want it you will do it when you are ready.  Take care my friend. Also, I am a therapist and I can listen real well.
Love Butterbean

[LPB]

Hi Leigh,
Wow. I am so sorry.  Home is my safe haven.  I can understand the "tv gaze".  Been there often.  I can also relate to loosing everything for someone.  I have moved cross-country twice for someone.  STUPID!  I am finally realizing that only Me can make ME happy.  In one week I feel I have made a lot of progress.  Being alone this weekend and learning to "fill the time" is hard.  Scheduling is everything.
I get anxious just thinking about doing new things by myself but want to try.  I am starting back at the gym.  At least I am off the couch and am tired when I get home.  Does that interest you at all?  You're car would thank you for it! You also are out of the house.  Just a thought.  You meet new people as well.  I don't know.
Please take care.  I am always a chat away.
LPB