Am I ruined for life from vic/oxy? I think so

[steveies]

Screwed up, again.  Was 11 days clean, down to .5 mg of sub then looked at the calendar.  I saw my meds were due to be refilled.  No need to fill you in on the thought process because you already know what goes on in your head and it all leads to the same result, failure.  Have been on a binger for the past couple weeks it seems, not that my stash is lasting, it's dwindling fast and I'm going to be up sh its creek in a few days.  Honestly I think I'm just screwed up in the head for good, no coming back to a normal, drug free life.  Do all yourselves a favor, don't listen to my advice if I ever give it again.  Taking advice from me is like dancing around a blackhole.  I don't even want to be around anymore, only reason I am is because I have kids, can't do that to them.  But what am I doing for them anyway?  My perks seem more important then anything else.  If I give my 2 cents on your problems in the future, remind me of this post and tell me to shut up.  I have no business giving any advice.  All you people just realizing you have an addiction or dependance and are taking a couple a day, look at me, this is what you will become.  Stop crying about WD from 1-4 a day, suck it up, take the WD, and quit.  I guess that counts as advice but it's probably the only thing useful coming out of me ever again.  I only wish I was taking 10 or less a day, might be able to handle that WD but not 20 a day and I'm done with docs, social workers, meetings.  Screw it all.

[atthebeach]

i typed my last post as you were posting again.now that post is much much better than your original post.  yes the drugs def. made you think and do crazy things. yes as long as you have breathe there is hope and now you see and feel it. have faith my friend, it will help you through this and far beyond. my family endured 14 yrs. of my husbands addictions, crazy, insanity, so many emotions, sadness, despair, hurt, hate,sorrow, lies,deceit, dysfunction. we are unfortunately still feeling and living some of the consquences. we still have much work to do, i still get angry and mad sometimes at all the years that were wasted in our marriage and in our childrens lives. we have 4 children, 25,20,13 & 11. we can never get those years back. yesterday is gone, we have no promise of tomorrow, we only have today. we are trying to live it to the fullest, i am forgiving and so are the children. the LORD has really helped us with all of this. if i stay bitter i will eat away from the inside. i cant forget, but time does heal our wounds. be strong my friend. i will pray for you and your family.
may GOD bless you and yours
debbie

[atthebeach]

that is great. be good to your wife, she deserves it.  now that doctor is a keeper.. and good no doctor shopping. cut off all ties. please do your research about aftercare soon. it is so important to get that in place. therapists, drug counselors, na/aa, church ,pastors, you need support to keep you on track and to be a recovering addict and not an addictive one.  the bp can def. be a problem when going thru w/d. when my husband went into to detox his bp was 225/125 cuz he was so worried about the w/d.he got himself so anxious. the hospital called me and told me he might have a stroke or heart attack. that was 14 months ago and he is clean. now his blood pressure is great he only takes his meds. every other day, between exercising, eating right, not worried about running out of his xanax or having his affair with his methadone clinic and not lying about his use his bp is 120/80 the other day is was 115/70 now we're talking healthy. praise GOD. keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
continued blessings
debbie

[steveies]

Thanks to all that posted, believe it or not, many of your words kept me from just vanishing away from my family.  This stuff really makes you think some crazy thoughts that seem like they make sense at the time.  I forgot to mention he put me back on a low dose of celexa starting now.  Reason be because he still suspects I will have a high level of anxiety at the end of the taper.  That high BP I had was even with taking my bp medicine!  This is what concerned him the most because WD does tend to make your BP go up and it didn't matter that I was taking my meds for it.  He gave me the name of a shrink to go see after telling him I have tried other aftercare avenues.  Perhaps some personal 1 on 1 is what I need.  Things aren't looking so bad anymore, I guess you could say I feel as if there is hope.  After reading through this thread again, many of you have lifted me up even farther and called me on my addict thinking nonsense.  Changed my cell number today and deleted some contacts.  Have to make some changes, inside and out.

[udoschoices]

awesome! that's the ticket and sounds like you have great support with your wife and an understanding doctor.. much better now isn't it?  You can do it - also ask about clonidine for the BP once you quit the lortab, it worked wonders for me coming off Sub (only on less than 21 days) it will help quite a bit.

[vicki595]

Good job!!   Stick to it and you'll be fine. Try to eat a little and keep drinking. A taper will work like a charm when someone else is in charge of it!!

Think about getting some support for the recovery...therapy,groups,meetings etc...

Stay in touch...

[steveies]

Well after throwing up several times and being in extreme pain my wife called my primary care doc who told her to bring me in right now.  After crawling to the car and getting to his office, they called me in but wanted my wife to come in with me.  Explained the whole situation to him, what I have been doing, what I have been taking, my worries about my specialist being able to disclose things to my work.  Surprisingly he was very understanding and did not like the fact I have to worry about losing my job over this.  He gave me a form stating that only my wife can be a person their office would disclose anything to.  He then told me he wants me to ween off a lower strength pain med and not perks.  As I suspected, he told me oxycodone is much stronger then hydro and that the WD can be much worse for some people, me being one of them.  Due to my highblood pressure, he was very worried about me going CT as my BP was 160/115 when I got there.  
I can't disclose the taper plan, obviously, but this was the reason he wanted my wife to be there.  He put her in charge of the meds and wrote out what to do.  He was very kind and told my wife not to be too hard on me because this happens to so many people he sees.  He does not like the suboxone route, stating the half life is way longer then any other opiate I take and the long term WD from that would not be good for me.  He told me the medical community looks at people with this problem unfairly and it's a shame because docs are suppose to help people with their problems, not turn them away when they truly want help.  He did say he would be looking to see if I'm getting scripts from other docs, which I won't be.  My slate is clean with him as of today and will be unless I give reason for it not to be.  So I will try the long taper he wrote out using lortab 10 and don't have much of a choice about sticking to it, my wife will not let me near those things even if I tried.