I hate myself, how far did I set myself back?

[norelapse]

Hi!

Short story:

I abused oxycontin recreationally for about 6 weeks (45 days) from about 20-60 mg a day. I did the RIGHT thing and quit because I realized it had become a problem already. I had maybe a day or two of withdrawal symptoms (RLS, one sleepless night, some slight chills, anxiety). But then it all went away after about 4-5 days.

I stayed "clean" for 2 WHOLE weeks (sarcasm). During the two weeks, I had no physical cravings whatsoever, and was starting to get my life back. I was seeing clear again, had an appetite, sex drive, etc.

Then my ego stepped in. I had no cravings, but I felt like "what the hell, why not take some Oxy?" I thought that I had so easily gotten over it that I THOUGHT that I could control it. So, the idiot I was, I got some more oxycontin and started back up again.


I had been back on oxycontin for exactly 17 days, using from 40-80 mg this time. My last dose was 40 mg 24 hours ago, and I feel fine... so far.


My question, how far did I set myself back? What can I expect in terms of withdrawal symptoms?

I am so so so so so stupid, I want to scream. I need help. It wasn't even like I saw a trigger or I was craving it. It was just that I felt like I so easily got off it the first time, I could control it again. Me and my ego. I know I can't do it again. SHAME ON ME

[soxfan0622]

Your story is the same s mine. I went counceling on june21st I poured my heart and soul out it was great to be able to tell somone about mt problem and not be judged. on june 22 I stopped useing i was snorting 10 30mg of roxycotton a day ( we call them blues) I tappered down using low amounts of methadoan for 1 week(to help with the wds)  and then spent the next 2 weeks clean. And then all it took was one snort thinking it would be no big deal. I went back to them for a week and now im back on two days of being clean. I had so much energy when I was off them for those two weeks. I know now that I cant just stop i need to continue on with counceling. Thanks for your post it helps knowing im not alone with this battle.      

[norelapse]

Oh, and I want to get addicted to life. I want to get addicted to sobriety. I want to OBSESS over the # of days I will be clean. I want to see that number swell. Day 10. Day 50. Day 100. Until I finally lose count.

I'll take it one day at a time. This will feel like getting over an ex-girlfriend....you grieve and grieve every single day, thinking it will never end.... then one day you wake up, and you'll have forgotten about it and gotten over her.

I pray that there will be a day that I'll look back at these 2-3 months of Oxycontin use as weird, one time stretch in my life and completely forgot that I went through it since I've been so busy with L I F E.

[norelapse]

Update again!

I'm on 96 hours since my last dose.

Yesterday was a fantastic day. In the morning, I played flag football from 9am-12pm. Then I went to a wedding from 4pm-12am, and that was an AMAZING time. I didn't have cravings at all, and I was actually smiling a lot, laughing a ton, and was very, VERY socially open (I was scared I'd be withdrawn). It was so much fun, in the middle of one of my smiles I thought to myself "Wow, this feels so good to smile CLEANLY."

Last night sucked, though. I couldn't sleep, probably because I had a red bull at the wedding. I slept maybe 4 hours total =(

So today I'm tired, but that's about it. I haven't gotten any achy joints, hot sweats, chills, or other physical withdrawals...so I am thankful that I probably escaped those (since this is Day 4 off of 17 days of Oxycontin use).


Although I don't have any cravings, I am definitely having my guard up. My first (and only) relapse was a direct result of me being overconfident. I had no cravings, but I had a big ego... I thought that I had gotten clean off of it so easily, why not start up again?

That'll definitely not be the case this time.



The thing that still gets me is the guilt. I'm still beating myself up for letting myself relapse, I had made such good progress.


But that's life.

[norelapse]

Quick update:

Thanks for all the kind words and all the encouragement. They really do help. A lot.

My last dose was 48 hours ago, and I am thinking that I'm probably not going to get much of the physical withdrawal symptoms (Thank God, knock on wood). The first time I got off of Oxycontin I had been using it for about 6 weeks, and the withdrawals probably peaked around day 2-3, and then I never looked back.

I'm on Day 2 today and I feel fine physically. No tremors or chills, no headaches, or aches....the only thing I've gotten was some yawning, nasal dripping, and watery eyes.


I feel lucky to have stopped my relapse at an early stage so that (hopefully) I won't have to go through too much PHYSICAL discomfort.


But I am having such a hard, difficult, unmanageable time with this excessive amount of guilt. I don't feel like it's depression or anxiety, because my appetite is through the roof, I had sex with my girlfriend twice last night, and I can still laugh. This GUILT is killing me though. This is more psychological than it is mental/chemical (I understand that post cessation depression can be triggered from long opiate use).




I can't get over how guilty, stupid, idiotic I was to have relapsed. I can't seem to forgive myself, and it makes me want to just cry. I'm tearing up just typing this. I know I should feel glad that I'm not in physical pain, but I just can't seem to stop beating myself up over being such an idiot the 1st time and being an idiot with relapsing. It's very painful to just keep thinking about it, and it's consuming me. I don't feel anxious or depressed....just really disappointed with and mad at myself for letting myself get to this point.


The first thing that registered in my mind today when I opened my eyes and woke up was "You're an idiot." It just weighed on me so heavily throughout the whole morning as I got ready for work. I mean, I should feel so HAPPY that I slept 8 hours, was able to eat last night, do regular things. I woke up today with no sweats or chills, no aches or pains, but I have this PSYCHOLOGICAL monkey on my back, and it's just beating me down.

Again, I don't feel depressed -- or do I? Like I said, I was able to do normal activities and laugh, but I just have this thick cloud of guilt hanging over me.


I just want to cry. I'm going to my very first Narcotics Anonymous meeting in about 1 hour. I have a distinct feeling that I am going to break down and cry at it, and I hope that helps. Maybe that's what I need, a good cry.

[tylersblueeyedmama]

I agree with Cassie...it's a tough road and you have to be prepared for the physical and mental part of quitting!  It seems like you are just about there, you know there is a problem and you are trying to fix it!  I wish you the best of luck :)

Please keep us posted!

Kel

[Cassie415]

hey, i don't think you should be so hard on yourself. It's a tough battle, but the good thing is that you are aware of your problem and want to get off it. That's very important. I stopped about a month ago after a pretty big habit and got all ready for the detox and was so into it and then on day 17 I was starting to feel that I had beat it and that I was "totally fine, not addicted, and could totally just try it once and occassionally do it." lol SO WRONG i ended up relapsing for another 2 wks. Anyways, I don;t think your detox will be too bad but it will probably be a little worse then your first one. Like others have said, with each relapse the wd gets a bit worse. What is always the worst for me is the mental part of withdrawling because it lasts so long, so don't let that get you down. The good thing is you will find so much support from people on here, so just keep posting and people will definitly help you through this!

[troubleinohio]

my only input for this is to warn you that with each relapse, WD gets harder and harder. It really does. Im not quite sure why that is (Im thinking that good post that "Worried" wrote a couple years ago or so explains it better- something about all the "gates being created and opened in your brain" though. The more you use opiates the more of those "gates get activated" in your brain and makes WD worse each time. I'll try to find that post and paste it here because it explains a lot and very thoroughly too.

[ImGettingClean]

luckily, no...as i said earlier, the mind part was bad (and still is a little)...feeling sad, upset, angry, depressed, disappointed...i was taking percs 5MG and then switched to Tylenol 3's, so not that strong, but enough to screw with my mind....

it's very hard to break from that cycle once you get used to it...please have a plan for aftercare....you haven't been on these that long, so dont stress over it too much....

[norelapse]

Congrats on Day 4!

So even with your 2 weeks of use, your withdrawals are not that bad?

[ImGettingClean]

I meant, I'm on day 4 clean...

=)

[ImGettingClean]

You answered your own question in your first paragraph..you shouldn't have it too bad physically, it's the mental part that hits you the first few days...listen, be happy you didn't get on 5 month binge...you messed up, slipped, and now you've picked youself back up....

I was clean for 30+ days and long story short, went back on pain pills for 2 weeks also and I'm on day 4, and physically and mentally, feeling better....

You really should look into aftercare though...the physical part of WDs are tough, but the mental part 2, 3, 4 weeks down the line are just as tough...so, just have a plan for the future...

you'll be ok....

Nick

[leeisgettingclean]

well i dont have any answers for you because i only have 6 days of this fight in, but i can tell you dont be to hard on yourself....it is what it is. today is a new day and you have a new future