Appetite for the Architect

[usednoname]

Formerly PoochieRachetToe. I have no way to get into that account any longer. Pressing forward, with an Appetite for some destruction and the Architect of my own demise, an error in my judgement has left me ill advised. Not a ***** for the attention, but a place to speak my mind. I once more have dove head first into the pool of uncertain futures, enjoying it at first. Justifying it. Playing the reel and convincing myself "its ok, you don't drink. this is what you do". "family is cared for, its your secret." "no harm, no foul."
Well, here I am. Once more, making thrice. Tattered and weak(feeling). Arranging in fisticuffs with the annoying monkey whom is still perched upon my back. Nagging, picking, begging for once more. Is it just once? Its never just once for an extremist! Extremist take it to another level. A level of near irreparable damage. Why? Why is that?
Why? A loaded question is, why. Why is it that I, I lack the will to stay away and instead, immerse myself in all the Earths glory? I have risked once more, losing all that some merely wish for. Selfishness. Is it selfishness? Is it that having everything that one needs and much of what everyone wants not nearly enough for some? What is it that I obviously am searching for, that since I have still yet to find........causes me to seek shelter in the hazy fog? If I could answer this question, whilst knowing I am the only one whom can.........wow. Wouldn't that be so fortunate.
It seems on this fine 5th day of freedom of the hydro-noose that chokes the life from nearly all it grips, the mild effects of turning my back upon the needs of that monkey, plucking my ears, whispering the lullaby's of sweet opiate surrender have faded. However, the drive, desire and persistent thoughts are raping me of my life. It seems as if Im doomed to failure. Im no idiot, how would anyone respect me for continuing to fall prey. Only those whom have experienced its grip know. BUT! How do I embark on that secret affair? What am I "doing" at this prescribed time? The family was supportive once, how could they be again? Disappointed in me is what they will be. Wondering, asking themselves numerous questions........
Moving, pressing forward and picking myself up to stand and walk. Removing myself from the coldness, the dampness. I can't just cut off those that were giving them to me. Yes. Giving. Not once have I payed for these morsels of hell and destruction hidden within a candy coated euphoric shell. For I do need their assistance from time to time. Just not as often as I have so pleasantly lied to everyone I do. Hobby's? Are they the answer? Filling my time with altered thoughts and interests. Sure, but how? I only ask because of the simple truth. the truth.
Truth? Yes! The truth, it sets you free. But, can you just admit the truth to yourself or must it be shouted from the heavens so that all will know your faults and shortcomings? We'll try. Shall we? The truth is I have swallowed the sadistic nectar while.....working, playing, watching tv, yardwork, weddings, while playing soccer with the kids, while fitness training....At. Any. Given. Time. What a disgrace! Oh, a cheap shot at myself. Noted and deserved. Wait, there is the monkey again "simple phone call mate, a handfull is yours". F O monkey! I think I've got this! I owe it to so many that haven't a clue.
You see guys, its a terrible haunting revelation to admit a weakness. I'd say defeat, but the truth of the matter is I'm still alive. I have a breathing chance to walk away and try once more, deeply guarded to stand tall as a strong human being. Respected. The difficulty is I am now able to have easy cold turkey spells. This is a double edged sword. I've suffered the dreaded 2 weeks of pure hell just once. My first bout. I now have a day or two of lethargy and irritability. I could literally run a 10k this afternoon in under 37 minutes. Only 5 days out of cold turkey, 80-100mgs a dose. For months now. I can't find strength and will in a God. My personal studies have taken me elsewhere. There is only love for my family and self respect left to detach me from this overbearing weight.
I'm sure there is more I wish to have said, but the fact that I have purged myself of some guilt will help motivate me through another day.
I did notice my mood lightened and my words became more......optimistic. There are three people very near and dear to me that are deserving of a doting father and a supportive husband. Its a debt that will remain for eternity, but its time to make payments. Defaulting isn't an option.

Hope you enjoyed the read, as much as I enjoyed releasing the burden that eats away my insides.........

[usednoname]

You're so kind as to offer your anologies. They offer an insight, but a person such as myself.......I've traveled this path before. I was given the electricity anology after saying I needed tangible evidence to believe. I stood unshaken. However, I was provoked into thought. Left to my on, infinite information and knowledge at my fingertips. I decided to adopt that there is room for science and religion. I tend to side more with science. With that said, I praise not fault any inspiration one would find that aids in living a healthy, respectful existence. I'm more of an Einstein kinda of guy. Less Joel Osteen.
I do not mean to and ask that you not be offended. I am gracious and thankful for your time and kind words.
I am going to have to dive further into things such as meditation. Deeper fitness goals. Family oriented fun to quence my thirst and expel these constant thoughts.
I want to stop. I just really enjoy it. This fact is the problem. My values have been scrambled. I need to accept my age and responsibilities.......frat boy life is done.

[clean_in_ks]

Even if "God is an unknown to you".....and even if you are unable "to place your faith in such a controversial, widely battled unknown" as you say...there is still a way to take the next step forward......

When my faith was new.....I had to accept that just like electricity......I can't SEE electricity.....but I KNOW it works cause I'm completely helpless without it...nothing in my house works without it!  So, for me to get started, I decided faith was just being willing to believe in something I CANNOT see.....a higher power out there that is greater than I am.  That is greater than my addiction.
We can just START there.  Faith and fear cannot reside in our hearts at the same time.  Despair and Hope cannot reside in our hearts at the same time either.  Since I live in the country, our water source ( must have a working pump) EVERY thing has to have electricity for us to survive.  I started w/that anology when I needed to believe in something I could not see.  I felt like I was barely surviving while ingesting narcotics......and I needed a power that was greater than me to help me with the next step of surrender.  Faith is kinda like the air in a balloon.....you can't SEE the air.....but dang......how great is the rising of that balloon in the sky?  So colorful, so free, rising up and up...and than unseen air is the power source......I want balloons released when I die...lol.....such a celebration and no where to go but up!!
Welcome back to the forum......this is the place to be~

[usednoname]

One must be willing to do most anything, eh? A God is an unknown for someone like me. Im void the means to place faith in such a controversial, widely battled unknown. However, I do have the number of a counselor........maybe I should just call? Maybe, just maybe it should be the call I make? I'm really going to need some serious time occupancy. I am retraining myself to accomplish the usual sans euphoria. Its truly amazing of the grip this vice can bestow upon the unsuspecting and once virtually indestructible. Reduces men to mice. The symptom that continues its grip is sensitivity/emotions. No enjoy the cry. Do manly things immediately! Fart and burp. Laugh. Repeat.
I dread the next migraine attack. Thought of the day. What will be my plan of attack? Excedrine? Ha! Laughable at its minuscule weaponry to ward of such uninvited guests. Chiropractor? Acupuncture? Mercy me, heavens to Betsy. Whatever will I do? I shall take a stand against Napoleonic remedies such as opiate pain relievers and do best to free myself of its clutches, for I know my weaknesses. And to know my weakness........ that my friends, is a strength!  

[dominosarah]

You always had a way with words!  Now what are you willing to do to get back into this thing we call life and start living again, not just existing?