Aa
Black Hole
Hey,
New here and in more trouble than I know what to do with...
For those of you who don't know about black holes, the relevant bit to this post is that surrounding a black hole is something called the event horizon. This is the point of no return, Anything crossing the event horizon will inevitably fall into the black hole;even light cannot escape.
So I think I'm kind of on the edge of an event horizon, so to speak.
History: I started using when I was 11 in response to extreme physical and sexual abuse courtesy of an older brother. At 14, I made a serious suicide attempt, nearly died, and was admitted to an inpatient unit for 4 1/2 months. I sabotaged my initial release; it was the first time I had ever felt safe.
Stayed away from hard street drugs for a few years, until I ended up hooked on meth & junk after my freshman year of college. Moved away, cleaned up again, and got into Aikido - a Japanese martial art with a strong spiritual side. Then I got injured, was unable to go back. Add to that a later disc injury in my lower back and a torn rotator cuff that was surgically fixed.
I got married around them; still together, but he has not the first clue what is happening now, and when I try to talk to him about it, he changes the subject - fast.
At present, I am on Duragesic , morphine, Klonopin, and Soma for what I am told is fibromyalgia. And I abuse the hell out of all of it. Being the old junkie that I am, I even figured out a way to spike the fentanyl without getting the other **** that is in the patches. I also brak the patches open & use it orally. I have used up to 10mg without any obvious harm. And since this drug is normally measured in micrograms, I find this alarming, to say the least. The other night I (unintentionally) managed to take 55 Klonopin 2s in a 6-hour period. What does all of this say about my tolerance?
At this point, I only see two options. Either I find a way to get clean, or I let it kill me. And I really do not want to die,
I've tried rehab many times, tried 12-step groups, but they leave me cold and don't help. I have a problem with an organization that professes to not be religious but recites the Lord's prayer at every meeting. Prayer and confession - I grew up Catholic and got my fill of that scene.
Insights, anyone? I sure could use the help. It is very,very dark here.
Peace,
Rain
New here and in more trouble than I know what to do with...
For those of you who don't know about black holes, the relevant bit to this post is that surrounding a black hole is something called the event horizon. This is the point of no return, Anything crossing the event horizon will inevitably fall into the black hole;even light cannot escape.
So I think I'm kind of on the edge of an event horizon, so to speak.
History: I started using when I was 11 in response to extreme physical and sexual abuse courtesy of an older brother. At 14, I made a serious suicide attempt, nearly died, and was admitted to an inpatient unit for 4 1/2 months. I sabotaged my initial release; it was the first time I had ever felt safe.
Stayed away from hard street drugs for a few years, until I ended up hooked on meth & junk after my freshman year of college. Moved away, cleaned up again, and got into Aikido - a Japanese martial art with a strong spiritual side. Then I got injured, was unable to go back. Add to that a later disc injury in my lower back and a torn rotator cuff that was surgically fixed.
I got married around them; still together, but he has not the first clue what is happening now, and when I try to talk to him about it, he changes the subject - fast.
At present, I am on Duragesic , morphine, Klonopin, and Soma for what I am told is fibromyalgia. And I abuse the hell out of all of it. Being the old junkie that I am, I even figured out a way to spike the fentanyl without getting the other **** that is in the patches. I also brak the patches open & use it orally. I have used up to 10mg without any obvious harm. And since this drug is normally measured in micrograms, I find this alarming, to say the least. The other night I (unintentionally) managed to take 55 Klonopin 2s in a 6-hour period. What does all of this say about my tolerance?
At this point, I only see two options. Either I find a way to get clean, or I let it kill me. And I really do not want to die,
I've tried rehab many times, tried 12-step groups, but they leave me cold and don't help. I have a problem with an organization that professes to not be religious but recites the Lord's prayer at every meeting. Prayer and confession - I grew up Catholic and got my fill of that scene.
Insights, anyone? I sure could use the help. It is very,very dark here.
Peace,
Rain
I have been through literally years of psychtherapy, and unloaded everything in both private and group sessions. I got no help there, though one psychiatrist got me addicted to tranquilizers (as if things were not bad enough...)
I think maybe the real problem is that I started so young, and have had almost no experience of adult life without addiction. Narcotics far and away by choice, but also have had problems with valium, xanax, coke, meth, barbituates, etc - in short, anything I can lay hands on.
Our insurance will not cover an addiction specialist, and I cannot afford one otherwise. Else I would definately go that route. I'm not even sure that there is one locally.
Something happened last night that changed things, though. My husband caught me getting ready to shoot - he didn't see a needle or anything, but he is not an idiot, and I'm sure my BS story did not really fly. He was really angry at first, but later we talked some & he said the only reason that he did not bail out on me then & there was because he really does love me a lot. He also said that he was scared as hell & unwilling to sit by and watch me commit slow suicide. He said we need to have a long talk today (we are driving to my parents', which is a good 8 hours, and this is NOT a conversation that I am looking forward to. Right now he is out of the house for a while, and I am really tempted to go ahead & shoot the stuff while I can. But I don't doubt he'd figure it out...
I guess in a way I am relieved that at a minimum he knows that I am abusing the fentanyl; if nothing else, it means I don't have to lie about it anymore. And I know he will be watching.
Still, I am scared out of my mind by this. True enough that I love him more, but I love the drugs too, and cannot imagine living without them.
Thanks for your advice & support, everyone.
Rain
I think maybe the real problem is that I started so young, and have had almost no experience of adult life without addiction. Narcotics far and away by choice, but also have had problems with valium, xanax, coke, meth, barbituates, etc - in short, anything I can lay hands on.
Our insurance will not cover an addiction specialist, and I cannot afford one otherwise. Else I would definately go that route. I'm not even sure that there is one locally.
Something happened last night that changed things, though. My husband caught me getting ready to shoot - he didn't see a needle or anything, but he is not an idiot, and I'm sure my BS story did not really fly. He was really angry at first, but later we talked some & he said the only reason that he did not bail out on me then & there was because he really does love me a lot. He also said that he was scared as hell & unwilling to sit by and watch me commit slow suicide. He said we need to have a long talk today (we are driving to my parents', which is a good 8 hours, and this is NOT a conversation that I am looking forward to. Right now he is out of the house for a while, and I am really tempted to go ahead & shoot the stuff while I can. But I don't doubt he'd figure it out...
I guess in a way I am relieved that at a minimum he knows that I am abusing the fentanyl; if nothing else, it means I don't have to lie about it anymore. And I know he will be watching.
Still, I am scared out of my mind by this. True enough that I love him more, but I love the drugs too, and cannot imagine living without them.
Thanks for your advice & support, everyone.
Rain
try intense psychotherapy and/or an addiction specialist.
therapy will hopefully help you get to the root of your problems. what pain you are running from. what you are trying to cover up; what feeling you don't want to feel and are trying to avoid.
by going through them, you can get past them. but you can't keep trying to go around them or you won't get anywhere but.. here.
an addiction specialist can help you get off the junk. all this junk. a good one can, anyway.
but i think, with your past and history of abuse (both abuses) it seems to me you have alot of "baggage" you need to work through.
no shame in that - many of us did, and do.
it could very well save your life. i know it did mine...
therapy will hopefully help you get to the root of your problems. what pain you are running from. what you are trying to cover up; what feeling you don't want to feel and are trying to avoid.
by going through them, you can get past them. but you can't keep trying to go around them or you won't get anywhere but.. here.
an addiction specialist can help you get off the junk. all this junk. a good one can, anyway.
but i think, with your past and history of abuse (both abuses) it seems to me you have alot of "baggage" you need to work through.
no shame in that - many of us did, and do.
it could very well save your life. i know it did mine...
I was flat out addicted to opiates,anykind. Ive ripped open patches and sucked down 100's. But my real addictions were cocaine and oxy's, but Id take fentanyl, norco, percs whatever...whenever. I got myself off all other opiates and the coke using methadone, this is not advisable as methadone isnt supposed to help with cocaine addiction, but it helped me get thru it. Problem was with methadone, is I still would occassionally abuse other opiates. I ended up finding an addiction specialist who tapered my dose down from 100mg day to 30mg over 6months. I then went and saw the head doctor of the office to be switched over to suboxone. Now you have to detox for 24-48 hrs depending on what kind of opiates one is taking, in my case methadone which does have a long half life so I waited over 50hrs before taking the SUB. From what I hear the lower the starting effective dose the better. I started at 8mg which is about average but there are many doctors out there who start people on very high dose of 16mg-32mg, of which 32mgs of suboxone is the ceiling. Now I have to say in my experience its been a godsend, I tapered the dose by the month 2mgs. So 8mg-6mg-4mg then 2mg for almost 3 weeks and off. I am taking clonidine, and xanax XR 2mg/day right now. I do have a substantial anxiety disorder and I find the xanax works well for me especially the XR because it maintains the correct plasma levels in your blood. I was librium before, valium, klonipin, and for me xanax XR works the best. But if your out of options I would seriously consider researching Suboxone and making that decision if it would be ok for you. I think people know their own bodies well enough that you can get an idea if it will help you on your journey to sobriety. All I can say it worked for me, with little to know w/d effects. But nevertheless it's a debatable topic on whether its the right course for opiate addiction. I wish you well and Good Luck!!!!
Yeah, my doc is already tapering me off of the Fentanyl. And it is sheer hell. My pain levels are spiking, I have not had more than an avaerage of 2-3 hours sleep in the past 2 weeks, and I honestly do not know if I can live this way.
I don't envy you going cold turkey off this stuff;I've been there more than once when I've run out of patches early. I would not wish this on my worst enemy (which in my case is going some).
Thanks for your words and thoughts. At least I'm not totally alone here.
I don't envy you going cold turkey off this stuff;I've been there more than once when I've run out of patches early. I would not wish this on my worst enemy (which in my case is going some).
Thanks for your words and thoughts. At least I'm not totally alone here.
I'm not an expert at gettin clean but I've had my share of battles with Fentanyl. I'm sure you know that the Fentanyl patch is as close to actual herion as you can get. Last year I was using 150 mics every 48 hours for what I thought was chronic pain...was only supposed to be on a 75mic patch every 72 hours.
One day I ran out of my patches and was not prepared for what was about to happen as this was my first experince with a pain med this powerful. All I remember was waking up in the parking lot where I work with the car running...dont even remember how I got there. My whole body was shaking, I was white as a ghost and had the cold sweats...I did not know what was happening so I called my wife and we went to the ER.
I took no more than 5 steps in the er doors and I'm sure the nurses could tell exactly what was wrong with me. Anyway....I realized what direction I was going and at that instant decided I was going cold turkey from the Fentanyl.
THe first 2 weeks was a pure hell as the pain doctor would not give me anything to help the withdrawal symptoms...I swear...if I ever see tha SOB walking down the street I will run his azz over. It took me about 45 days but my life finally returned to some type of normalcy.
You know what you have to do. The question is...do you really want to? I think you see where you are headed, how dark life can be and what you are capable of doing to get you next fix. I was the same way. If you are getting your patches from a doctor I would tell him/her that you want off.
Suboxone is supposed to help with the withdrawal problems. I never tried Suboxone and have read of mixed results...some love it and others have had trouble with it. My opinion is if you are abusing Fentanyl I would try Suboxone.
Good luck and please keep me informed as to your progress.
One day I ran out of my patches and was not prepared for what was about to happen as this was my first experince with a pain med this powerful. All I remember was waking up in the parking lot where I work with the car running...dont even remember how I got there. My whole body was shaking, I was white as a ghost and had the cold sweats...I did not know what was happening so I called my wife and we went to the ER.
I took no more than 5 steps in the er doors and I'm sure the nurses could tell exactly what was wrong with me. Anyway....I realized what direction I was going and at that instant decided I was going cold turkey from the Fentanyl.
THe first 2 weeks was a pure hell as the pain doctor would not give me anything to help the withdrawal symptoms...I swear...if I ever see tha SOB walking down the street I will run his azz over. It took me about 45 days but my life finally returned to some type of normalcy.
You know what you have to do. The question is...do you really want to? I think you see where you are headed, how dark life can be and what you are capable of doing to get you next fix. I was the same way. If you are getting your patches from a doctor I would tell him/her that you want off.
Suboxone is supposed to help with the withdrawal problems. I never tried Suboxone and have read of mixed results...some love it and others have had trouble with it. My opinion is if you are abusing Fentanyl I would try Suboxone.
Good luck and please keep me informed as to your progress.
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