Can 2 addicts make it together?

[Roxy30blues]

My wife and I both have a problem with pain Killers and are trying to quit and get out lives back in order and family back together.  I wanted some help figuring out how to do this successfully.  Is it possible for a husband and wife who once had the whole at there fingertips and now are the verge of losing everyhting make it all right again?  Its hard enough for 1 addict with the help of a supporting loving spouse to help them through their addiction.  How does it work when both need help and need each other as well?  ITs a catch 22 becasue on one hand we are each others worst enenies becasue we justify use when we are together however without each other how can we find the strength and incentive to clean up and stay sober?

Please I am desparately looking for answers and success stories or advise on how to do this?  Can it be done?  Is it hopeless?

[tzt2lady]

Sometimes when we get into recovery we discover who we really are.    Like I said, I didnt read the other posts.   Were you together before addiction?   Sometimes that makes a difference.

Things I have seen tear people apart are that one is more committed to recovery than the other AND
OR  one or both discover that they have grown into two very different people.  

Those who I have seen stay together fell in love before the addiction and in recovery have been respectful of each others recovery, not jealous if their mate spent time out with his or her sponsor, and did not tell each other how to recover.

Its hard for me to put this in laymans terms without using Narcotics Anonymous lingo.  

In NA terms, those who took their own inventories of  character assets and liabilities and NOT their mates, seemed to stay together and have an awesome relationship.

Its like they work on their own issues independently and then come together to enjoy the fruits of that labor.  
I dont know if Im making sense to you but I do know what I have seen over the years.

I just read a bit of one of your earlier posts.    PLEASE dont think your wifes dad is an example of the NA program.  HE is not.  Im not saying this in an aggressive way, its just that I have at least 6 friends within a five milie radius who each have twenty years clean from all drugs, INCLUDING alcohol, thanks to NA.
If you want to let another persons experience define what the NA program is for you, you might miss the benefits of actually DOING what is suggested.   It is so much more than reading steps.  It is working steps with a sponsor, changing, learning, growning.  You find out why you used in the first place and why you keep wanting to use.       Of course its up to you and I do wish you the best in whatever program you choose.
I\

Best of all to you two,

[Roxy30blues]

Honest news but not the best, however that is exactly what I need.  You said what makes the couples make it, through working their own program, however, I think more importantly through your experience what are some of the consistent things you seen that destroy the couple or make the relationship not be repairable.  Because the ironic thing, like I was dicussing with my buddy if we were to get a divorce it wouldn't be over a fight or a disagreement.  We didn't have a major falling out or big event that ended our marriage like I would assume happens in most divorces.

[Roxy30blues]

Both of you, thanks SO MUCH, you have no idea how much this is helping. Okay, you did it!  I am going to stop chasing her and begging for something that should be a given (interaction and conversation with your wife).  You are right and like most things I am stubborn when it comes to admitting things about my wife.  Everyone has told me that if I keep chasing her the further she is going away.  God even her brother, who would deny it if confronted, told me I should act like I’m moving on and dating other people and she will come right back.  While I don’t think its that easy, nor do I want to play that game, he was right in saying she knows where I am and what I am doing every min of the day and I never have a clue where she is or what she is doing.  That is primarily cause I work 70 hrs a week and almost every other is spent with my son.  

Which brings the next very touchy point, my son.  Yes I see him and have him for the weekends.  Which now I actually spend more time with him than when we were together because instead of the hour or two a night I see him because of work and then in and out normal type weekend routine, I am so excited to see him and he I from the moment I see him on Friday afternoon until he is crying when I drop him off at daycare I spend every second of the entire time with him, it very intense quality time together and its my fuel that gets me up every morning.  Since I work and my son just started day care when I wife when to rehab this last time, her mother watched the baby and until my wife got out she made it very difficult for me to see my son.  Luckily it was under a week.  It was always too late to come over or she didn’t think something was a good idea.  Well, this has taking a serious toll on him even at his age, the biggest thing not being home and the pick up and drop off situations.  The first 2 or 3 times I left him over his grandmother and he was screaming daddy as I walked out, I cried all the way home, because I when back to him at first which made it worst.  Now, unfortunately, I just turn and walk away quickly.  I tried sneaky out in the beginning which totally backfired because not only is the separation and not have a stable home tough, he is scarred to death I am going to leave him when I am with him.  From Friday, it takes until about Saturday afternoon before I can get a drink or go to the bathroom without him running after me to make sure I don’t leave.  That I can’t stand.  I offered for her to move back home and me to move out just so he can feel comfortable in his home but no go! Instead she asked me if I could watch the way I use “home” because his grandmother said we are going home when they went to Target and when they got back to her house instead of mine he went nuts.  That’s not fair to do to him.  Plus he hasn’t seen us together even friendly interacting in awhile.

[wait2long]

you are so right and intelligent and caring and most of all sensitive in the ways you speak to people when you know they are suffering, whether its mentally or physically...you have become MY king of the forum...plus your damn funny too...you will be able to help alot of people here and they will listen. i kind of wish i knew what your career is/was and your wife seems the same, very caring...you 2 are the real thing, good people... If you speak, They will listen...thank you.

[tzt2lady]

I can see you have hit on a very contreviersail topic.  I purposely did not read any post other than yours so that I could give you an objective opinion.  And it is just that, an opinion.  

As a person who spent almost two decades in NA I can say that the only  couples I saw who made it together are the ones who worked their own program.  
They each had a sponsor, who had them working different programs all with the same goal, perosonal recovery.  Whatever that means to each individual.    
In those almost two decades, I have to say I saw maybe a  handful of couples who made it.  Not many.   But that isn't to say you two cant be one couple who makes it.
You must be committed.    You have to each have your own sponsor and work your individual programs.

Im speaking from experience and from what Ive seen.  If both parties dont do this, couples, no matter what the love or how strong, end up not making it.     If both are committed though, Ive seen couples blossom into a love that is unbelievable and so strong.

I wish this for you two.      
tzt

[Savas]

The following is my wife speaking/typing, Roxy, she thinks her woman's perspective may help:
Take it, Bunny!


Hi Roxy,

Let me first say, I totally sympathize.  I have been through some similar stuff, maybe I can provide some insight.  First of all, years ago I split up with my husband to get clean and get our lives straight.  We did it separately and got back together months later which worked for years (we did split up but it was years later for different reasons and we are still friends).  Anyway, my point is, that sometimes things work out in ways you don't expect.  Try not to insist that you know exactly what has to happen (like, you have to work it out together, now, in the same place and at the same rate).  Try not to script your lives, open yourself to what she needs and maybe what you need that you are not aware of right now.

Also, if you are alone right now, take advantage of it.  It seems like you are on the right track. Stay that way, continue to  improve your life.  She might be so impressed and surprised that she will want to get back with you.  Instead of stating to her what you will do, just do it and let her see.  Not to mention her family.  Sometimes you have to be patient and show people that you are serious.  I know that when you get clean and mean it, it seems like everything should happen just right, but it might not.  Life is like that, even when you are clean - no one will reward you.  I know it's tough, but it's true.

Now, my current husband sometimes tries to force situations. He loves me so much and wants everything to be right, but he is learning that it doesn't always happen immediately and the way he wants it (understand he is a very gentle guy, but he is a guy and likes to fix things like all guys do!).   I love him and I understand, but if I were in a vulnerable place I would prefer that he just listen and give me some space rather than try to fix things and make everything be OK.

Maybe some of this applies to you?  Anyway, good luck and take care of yourself and your son.  
Bunny

This is Savas again:
Argh...women. Can't even get any peace or privacy when I'm on the computer! See how I suffer people?!?! Just not bloody fair! Uh-huh...that looks like a large baseball bat she's got...gotta run-literally!!! :)