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Day 20 of being Clean, but I don't know anymore!
WOW! I can proudly say that I am 20 days clean from an over 2 year addiction that my wife and I shared. I can not guarantee that it will stick much longer than that though. I am in a really bad mental state right now. I feel as though everything has hit the fan and I am not very motivated to stay in a sober mind. I really want to just get high so that I no longer feel internal pain. Funny how it works. I started using these drugs for physical pain but now want them because I don't want to deal with what is going on in my REAL life.
I used to have a good happy life. I WAS happily married (even through the addiction(or so I thought)), I have a great job, I have a wonderful family and Heavenly Father in my life again. Now I feel as though it has ALL halted and NO longer can I cope. My wife informed me last Saturday that she is no longer happy and wants a divorce! With this I have not been able to function at work. All I can think about is the fact that I have given everything I have to this woman and she is giving up in a rough time. We are supposed to be going through this together and supporting each other but I don't even want her support anymore.
I know that we all get handed our troubles in life and believe me I have had mine but for some reason this is by far the hardest thing I have tried to deal with. I have lost my father to cocaine addiction. I was raised with almost nothing, sometimes having to each at a "share house" when I was a kid. I know what it is life to fight through the rough times and I HAVE! I know I can beat this addiction, but I DON"T WANT TO TODAY. OR, any day in the near future for that matter. I just want my HAPPY life back.
I know for a fact that "my life" is NO MORE. The life I live for the next (who knows how long) will be alot different and changed forever. I need some support right now and don't feel that I have anyone to turn to besides the ones that have made me high for the past years. I don't want to use anymore but I don't want to FEEL either.
I used to have a good happy life. I WAS happily married (even through the addiction(or so I thought)), I have a great job, I have a wonderful family and Heavenly Father in my life again. Now I feel as though it has ALL halted and NO longer can I cope. My wife informed me last Saturday that she is no longer happy and wants a divorce! With this I have not been able to function at work. All I can think about is the fact that I have given everything I have to this woman and she is giving up in a rough time. We are supposed to be going through this together and supporting each other but I don't even want her support anymore.
I know that we all get handed our troubles in life and believe me I have had mine but for some reason this is by far the hardest thing I have tried to deal with. I have lost my father to cocaine addiction. I was raised with almost nothing, sometimes having to each at a "share house" when I was a kid. I know what it is life to fight through the rough times and I HAVE! I know I can beat this addiction, but I DON"T WANT TO TODAY. OR, any day in the near future for that matter. I just want my HAPPY life back.
I know for a fact that "my life" is NO MORE. The life I live for the next (who knows how long) will be alot different and changed forever. I need some support right now and don't feel that I have anyone to turn to besides the ones that have made me high for the past years. I don't want to use anymore but I don't want to FEEL either.
Hey how are you doing? Are you holding on?
I loved what the others said - and I would add my little bit - in all my years of addiction, there have been dozens of decision moments like you were having - total craving to use, no desire to stay clean, hand on phone, finger poised to dial. Nine times out of ten, I'd make the call, and there would be simultaneously a perverse release of that pent up tension of indecision as well as a profound sadness and disappointment, becasue I knew i was letting myself down, heading right back to the same pit again. But I could not turn back.
Those few times though when I put the phone down and walked away - it hurt at the time, I used to feel so angry at me and at god and how f kn unfair that I cant use, and I would have a kind of tantrum, but underneath the tantrum was a quiet pride and hope - I had won another battle. I have never ever regretted making the decision to put the phone down and walk away. I have ALWAYS regretted making the call.
Dont worry about whethre you want to get clean or not, nothing to do with want at these moments - you are person who becomes addicted to opiates, such a person (you, me, all the others on this site) need to not take pills. That is guide for action, in a nutshell.
I feel for you, would love to hear how you made out...
I loved what the others said - and I would add my little bit - in all my years of addiction, there have been dozens of decision moments like you were having - total craving to use, no desire to stay clean, hand on phone, finger poised to dial. Nine times out of ten, I'd make the call, and there would be simultaneously a perverse release of that pent up tension of indecision as well as a profound sadness and disappointment, becasue I knew i was letting myself down, heading right back to the same pit again. But I could not turn back.
Those few times though when I put the phone down and walked away - it hurt at the time, I used to feel so angry at me and at god and how f kn unfair that I cant use, and I would have a kind of tantrum, but underneath the tantrum was a quiet pride and hope - I had won another battle. I have never ever regretted making the decision to put the phone down and walk away. I have ALWAYS regretted making the call.
Dont worry about whethre you want to get clean or not, nothing to do with want at these moments - you are person who becomes addicted to opiates, such a person (you, me, all the others on this site) need to not take pills. That is guide for action, in a nutshell.
I feel for you, would love to hear how you made out...
20 to 30 days is often when people get hit with PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome) for the first time. it often feels like you've hit a brick wall . . . a big one, way too tall to get over. i went back time after time when i got hit with PAWS . take a look at http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm - which is from the book Staying Sober by Gorski and Miller
one of the things that helped me make it through all the rounds of PAWS this last time without using was going to a lot of meetings - some NA, but mostly NA. for the first 6 months i averaged 10 a week. both programs suggest that folks new to recovery hit 90-in-90, i.e. attend 90 meetings in 90 days. as was pointed out not too long ago in Time Magazine, there seems to be good reason for this: "One important discovery: evidence is building to support the 90-day rehabilitation model, which was stumbled upon by AA (new members are advised to attend a meeting a day for the first 90 days) and is the duration of a typical stint in a drug-treatment program. It turns out that this is just about how long it takes for the brain to reset itself and shake off the immediate influence of a drug. Researchers at Yale University have documented what they call the sleeper effect--a gradual re-engaging of proper decision making and analytical functions in the brain's prefrontal cortex--after an addict has abstained for at least 90 days." see http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1640436-3,00.html
i experienced that "reset" and it happened right at 90 days. on the one hand, nothing was all that different than the day before. on the other hand, however, EVERYTHING was different. i hadn't been expecting anything, but suddenly i KNEW that "this is how i need to 'be' if i'm going to stay clean."
i can't say it became easy after that, because it didn't. i did find, however, that staying in recovery was an easier and softer way for me to get through life . . . much easier than being in active addiction.
in recovery, life is a much better place for me. not merely better than life in active addiction, but better than it has been at any time. recovery for me is not a seemingly endless period of not-using.
recovery for me these days has little to do with not-using. rather, it's about living and being a part of life in a way that i never could before. not-using is my ticket into that life, but like my ticket for a movie, i don't think about it much once the show starts.
-- i've typed this bit-by-bit starting over 12 hours ago. i have a feeling that it's probably a bit disjointed and i'm sure that if i were to read it i'd just close the window. so, i'll just hit "post" without looking at it..................
CATUF
1224
one of the things that helped me make it through all the rounds of PAWS this last time without using was going to a lot of meetings - some NA, but mostly NA. for the first 6 months i averaged 10 a week. both programs suggest that folks new to recovery hit 90-in-90, i.e. attend 90 meetings in 90 days. as was pointed out not too long ago in Time Magazine, there seems to be good reason for this: "One important discovery: evidence is building to support the 90-day rehabilitation model, which was stumbled upon by AA (new members are advised to attend a meeting a day for the first 90 days) and is the duration of a typical stint in a drug-treatment program. It turns out that this is just about how long it takes for the brain to reset itself and shake off the immediate influence of a drug. Researchers at Yale University have documented what they call the sleeper effect--a gradual re-engaging of proper decision making and analytical functions in the brain's prefrontal cortex--after an addict has abstained for at least 90 days." see http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1640436-3,00.html
i experienced that "reset" and it happened right at 90 days. on the one hand, nothing was all that different than the day before. on the other hand, however, EVERYTHING was different. i hadn't been expecting anything, but suddenly i KNEW that "this is how i need to 'be' if i'm going to stay clean."
i can't say it became easy after that, because it didn't. i did find, however, that staying in recovery was an easier and softer way for me to get through life . . . much easier than being in active addiction.
in recovery, life is a much better place for me. not merely better than life in active addiction, but better than it has been at any time. recovery for me is not a seemingly endless period of not-using.
recovery for me these days has little to do with not-using. rather, it's about living and being a part of life in a way that i never could before. not-using is my ticket into that life, but like my ticket for a movie, i don't think about it much once the show starts.
-- i've typed this bit-by-bit starting over 12 hours ago. i have a feeling that it's probably a bit disjointed and i'm sure that if i were to read it i'd just close the window. so, i'll just hit "post" without looking at it..................
CATUF
1224
aftercare is so important..and the time u need for ur brain to heal enuf to ward off that doomy feeling..exercse helps that..the aminos help that...and time helps that...wait it out..it is worth it
Did you both just stop using at the same time ? For a lot of us women the first few weeks after we got clean did not think we were happy anymore I personally went threw it for a while I told myself I would give it three months and see if I felt the same way and of course by then I had gotten stable and was enjoying my husband and doing things with him sober .Has she ever been to this site ?
You don't want to use I can assure you it wont make you feel good at all if anythings you most likely will feel worse .Plz look into aftercare ASAP .That will help you alot .would she be will to go threw some type of marriage counseling.
You don't want to use I can assure you it wont make you feel good at all if anythings you most likely will feel worse .Plz look into aftercare ASAP .That will help you alot .would she be will to go threw some type of marriage counseling.
Hi there~
I believe that when when have too much idle time, we took pills to fill that void.
No one really likes an empty head.
During the days shortly after detoxing, our brains race w/thoughts. Thoughts of how stupid it was to let ourselves get out of control, and thoughts of how wonderful it is to be rid of the enemy.
Then a little bit later, we've thought....and thought....and thought to the point of being sick of those thoughts, so you search for something new to think about.
Then you can't. You find yourself not busy enough, however not motivated enough to find something to get busy with.
And you don't like feeling this way. So then.........humph........you start thinking that maybe you can take a pill again because that would rid the emptiness in your head.
So you think you can do that, but do it more responsibly.
The truth is, you cant. But you don't know that.
That is why I've relapsed over and over again.
Best Wishes.
I believe that when when have too much idle time, we took pills to fill that void.
No one really likes an empty head.
During the days shortly after detoxing, our brains race w/thoughts. Thoughts of how stupid it was to let ourselves get out of control, and thoughts of how wonderful it is to be rid of the enemy.
Then a little bit later, we've thought....and thought....and thought to the point of being sick of those thoughts, so you search for something new to think about.
Then you can't. You find yourself not busy enough, however not motivated enough to find something to get busy with.
And you don't like feeling this way. So then.........humph........you start thinking that maybe you can take a pill again because that would rid the emptiness in your head.
So you think you can do that, but do it more responsibly.
The truth is, you cant. But you don't know that.
That is why I've relapsed over and over again.
Best Wishes.
Please keep your head up. I always thought about how bad I had it as well. My mom and dad left me at my grannys when I was 4 months old ( thank god for that ) I was sexually abused from 6 until I was 16 years old by my uncles. I was beaten it seemed everyday. When my parents came back it was no fun in the park. I watch my father in a drunken rage bet my mother in front of me and the rest of my brothers and sisters. And than tell us that he was going to kill us to. My granny would be begging and crying for him to stop, but oh he was something drunk. He would get in a drunken stage he believe he had killed people and he would tell us where he had put their bodies. This went on for so very long. To the point you start blaming yourself. Than he left me again. My mother went to leave with her mother. She left me again as well. But the sexual assult continued along with the beatens for me. After several years I started talking to my mom again. I still really loved her, not matter what she had put me thru. You know there still your mom right!!!!! I finally told her what I was going thru and at the time I was dating a wonderful person. I was still in high school and he was out. I was only 16 or 17 at the time I cant remember. I loved him with all my heart and sole and he did me he would cry when he dropped me off because he knew what type of life I was living. I skipped school one day and me and my boyfriend went and picked up my mom and she signed so I go get married. That was the greatest gift that my mom has ever given me. And I love her so much for it. We know have two children. My oldest is 11 and my little girl is 3. Me and my wonderful husband just celebrated our 16 year wedding anniversy. I would not take nothing for him he and my children are my life. They are present, yesterday is a memory, and we have no promise of tomorrow.
I just buried my mother. And how my heart aches and how I feel as if I can blow up from the pain. But God tells us that he gives us no more than we can handle, and when it is to much to handle he carrys it for you. Please find God again and ask him to help you and your wife. Right now you need to deal with you. Always remember when we think we have it bad, there is someone out there that is going thru it 10 times worse. Just read one of the cancer forums or the brain temors. Or the forum where they are dealing with losing a child. It helps you see that maybe we don't have it so bad. If you ever need to talk I am always around. God bless you and your family... Susan
I just buried my mother. And how my heart aches and how I feel as if I can blow up from the pain. But God tells us that he gives us no more than we can handle, and when it is to much to handle he carrys it for you. Please find God again and ask him to help you and your wife. Right now you need to deal with you. Always remember when we think we have it bad, there is someone out there that is going thru it 10 times worse. Just read one of the cancer forums or the brain temors. Or the forum where they are dealing with losing a child. It helps you see that maybe we don't have it so bad. If you ever need to talk I am always around. God bless you and your family... Susan
The one thng I can tell you is to get your self busy,DONT make that call, get tough,and fix yourself and GET YOUR WIFE BACK,show her how it is done she will come back around if you can hold strong.dont use or you will never win her back.This all takes time and you can do this you have allready showed us that.you are a winner my friend,
Have faith,you know god has a plan for you, but you will never find out what it is if you use again,Please dont take this wrong,my heart bleeds for you.but you are at the cross roads,so show us what you got, I know its in there,please keep posting, OXY
Have faith,you know god has a plan for you, but you will never find out what it is if you use again,Please dont take this wrong,my heart bleeds for you.but you are at the cross roads,so show us what you got, I know its in there,please keep posting, OXY
Please don't do it...it sounds like you are going through alot. But you are not going to get any good out of it if you do go back. You have made it 20 DAYS that is great...you are out of the bad part. Your head will not be clear for what is to come. And if you do get divorced..you are going to be a mess with an addiction. Why make it harder in the long run.
I may not be making much sense but I had quit taking vic..a few years ago and started again when me and my ex husband separated..sure it took away some of my thoughts and feelings. But thats not what I needed. I needed to have a clear head and make good decisions. I am now remarried and just got off the Vic again after 3 yrs of using it. I thought I would never get off. And I was affraid of who I had become(that maybe it changed me so much that he may not like me off the Vic, man it plays tricks on your mind!!) Since my new husband has only know me on some sort of Narcotic. But I realized I am still the same person and we still love eachother...just now that I can feel more..I love him more.. and I love life more. Things are still tuff, I have been unemployed for almost 2 months-laid off. we are broke and have 5 kids to take care of... but on the bright side I am dealing with those things so much better now with a clearer mind...
I wish you the best..truley.
I may not be making much sense but I had quit taking vic..a few years ago and started again when me and my ex husband separated..sure it took away some of my thoughts and feelings. But thats not what I needed. I needed to have a clear head and make good decisions. I am now remarried and just got off the Vic again after 3 yrs of using it. I thought I would never get off. And I was affraid of who I had become(that maybe it changed me so much that he may not like me off the Vic, man it plays tricks on your mind!!) Since my new husband has only know me on some sort of Narcotic. But I realized I am still the same person and we still love eachother...just now that I can feel more..I love him more.. and I love life more. Things are still tuff, I have been unemployed for almost 2 months-laid off. we are broke and have 5 kids to take care of... but on the bright side I am dealing with those things so much better now with a clearer mind...
I wish you the best..truley.
Thank you for your kind words. I am down to taking it minutes at a time. I am sitting here debating, holding my phone ready to dial the old hook. This internal struggle makes me feel weak but the urge to NOT FEEL is winning right now. I TRULY don't want to do this but I don't know what else to do. I keep telling myself that I need to be the better person in this and not let the addiction win.
I had a terrible child hood and for as long as I can remember have "known" that I would NEVER get a divorce after seeing what my parents had gone through and what others have gone through. Now I sit here knowing that YES I AM. I AM going to get a divorce from the woman who I have never thought of anything than my LIFE partner.
I had a terrible child hood and for as long as I can remember have "known" that I would NEVER get a divorce after seeing what my parents had gone through and what others have gone through. Now I sit here knowing that YES I AM. I AM going to get a divorce from the woman who I have never thought of anything than my LIFE partner.
I dont know why things seem to hit us just at the wrong time,but they do!
If you start to use again you will have to start from day one again,and that is a bad place to have to start from.just take it one day at a time or one hour at a time, things will get better, they allways do.keep posting and let us know how you are,
GOOD LUCK and GOD BLESS, OXY
If you start to use again you will have to start from day one again,and that is a bad place to have to start from.just take it one day at a time or one hour at a time, things will get better, they allways do.keep posting and let us know how you are,
GOOD LUCK and GOD BLESS, OXY
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