OCH!!! Help!!

[VICourageous]

Hello my medhelp friends. Most of you know I came c/t from my Methadone, illegal adderral that I was snorting it with and a Klons at night to come down. 507 days ago (I think) I have been a off & on user for over 40 years. I have had 3 death in the last months and most of you know about my Mom..Everything was good as far as Cravings. BUT now I am craving so darn BAD I can not help it. WHY?? This is SO bad right now I can not take it. I do feel sick thinking of it but it is really BAD!!! I Do NOT Crave the Booze at all or I would have been down the road already. I am so close to picking up the phone right now. I just wonder why after all my Crisis, I was staying strong..Now I feel so weak..YES I do go to both AA/NA even if I have not had a drink in over 9 years. What is going on!!!! I know all about the Map of the brain and the Pleasure part. Why is it Fing with me now..To much stress or what??
I came to far to fall but I feel so sick..lol
Bless
Vickie

[VICourageous]

Hi Ms Tswana and Welcome..Thank You for your concern about the PAWS. I have Tons of paper work and videos on this and the Disease of Addiction, and also all about the Brain and Mid-brain..Pleasure Part..And what drugs hit what area of the brain etc.,etc.,It is nice to Study this more in a Scientific way sometimes. BUT the HARD CORE TRUTH is that I have a Disease, just like my Mom and the rest had/has Cancer. I have ran so many times to drugs and booze when I have lost many Loved ones. SO it is just learning to deal with Life with a clear mind and true emotions is what it boils down too.lol Going to the meeting that night is where the truth of it all was told by a Angle that was sharing her story.

Hi Dominosarah my Grasshopper..To answer your question in that note, it looks like the Lord will be receiving her really, really, really soon..Like any week to one month now..BUT she has been a trooper and made it this far. BUT today did not look good and it has just spread so fast..Now it is on the chest and we think it is heading toward the Lungs and not up toward the Brain. Although she does has moments on being forgetful, but shoot I had to fight them AGAIN (just like with my dad) on the type of pain pills and the mixture they were giving a 89lb woman..She was going in & out and could not wake up. I guess they think they are making her comfortable for death. BUT no way did she want to be all out-of-it. We got it straighten out after I went to the Big Wig who can over ride medication..WHAT IS UP WITH THESE  DRS..Just drug them out so they never wake up. Oh, but they are in no pain. She opened her eyes up that day I started this thread, and asked me why she was so doped up. To many Chiefs telling the Dr to many different things..I KNOW what works for her..WE have talked about it over & over. Being in the Health field for so long I have seen this happen over & over & again & again.
One bad or good thing, (I guess it is the way we look at it)  being a drug user we have experienced these types of meds so many times that we know what they do..The Drs just read a book..Give me a Break. Maybe he should do the mix and see how he feels and not even be able to walk, eat, or go to the bathroom because he would be a Zombie....Ha! Hospice too! I KNOW they are trying to do there best and I so appreciate them. BUT please go through me about the meds that is all I ask them.
SO I do believe that all of this is why I had such a BAD ASH Day the day I posted this..Stress & Drama is not good for a Addict as we ALL know..BUT Life will be Life. I also think talking about all of the Pills for days too did the TRIGGER..Anyway EVERYBODY..I want to thank YOU again for the Support and for sticking with me.
I am doing OK and now I will just see her everyday until the times comes. This should be the End of talking about this over & over again until I let you know that prays will be welcomed when she passes...lol
Bless U All MH Family.

[clean_in_ks]

Good morning Moose Lips :):)  I loved waking up this morning and reading your last "share" on this thread of yours.  I'm not one who believes in "coincidences".....and with knowing all the times God has "shown up" just when you were about to "fall off the edge of the cliff" over these past months, I can imagine it has been a real faith building time for you.  You are precious, Vic.....you just are~

I've been sitting here grinning from ear to ear about the phone call and the meeting last night :):):)  A knock on your door, the ringing of your phone....He really DOES love and provide for us....and carries us when we can't walk alone.  Hope your weekend will be filled with some rest, reflection and restoration......I love you dearly~

[takingmylifeback2014]

I don't think it's PAWS she's been clean for a year and a half?

[msdelight]

Seriously?

[Tswana]

Hi sweetie pleased to meet you what your describing is classical of PAWS  your heading in to the 'Relapse Zone' hun . Go to this Website and have a good read and just click every page you finish click on where it say's 'Next page' at the bottom of each page as you read them.

addictionsandrecovery.org

I can tell you now your gonna hit a page and see ALL you've said on those pages some where and you really need to go through it and look at Relapse Prevention' and there is a Menu on the Right of the pages you can go through as well but you must read Post Acute Withdrawral syndrome you can start with Withdrawral and click the link for PAWS on that page sweet heart.

I found it a great place when i was going  CT or Detox Taper from Alcohol and drugs. I hope it helps you as much as it's helped me and still is. Love Tswana <3 xxxx

[takingmylifeback2014]

Hi! I agree with everyone's posts and your own. It was defiantly a sign from god that you got that call for the meeting! God shows us what to do if we really look for it and have faith in him and of course ask him for help. I truly believe that will all my heart. I'm so sorry about your mom. I lost my dad to cancer so I can relate! It's completely awful and no-one can say anything to make it better! All I can say about that is I am sure your mom is very proud of you and appreciates you more then you will ever know! Say everything you need to say to her, that is one regret I hold for not doing myself.
Keep your head up you are amazing and such a asset to MH. We are all here for you!

[brandiroars386]

Wow, I was so caught up in my crap, I didn't read anything else last nite.  We are kinda in the same boat aren't we?  too bad it's a sinking one!!  All I can say is don't blow it.  I don't really have anything to add to everything everyone has already said.  You wanted you to know I was here to support you.
Brandi

[jugglin]

Good Morning Vic.  There is not much I can say that these wonderful people have not said.  Losing your loved ones and caring for your mother is a great deal to manage physically/emotionally.  With mom moving out, you now have time to feel, to grieve her illness...the idea of numbing creeps back in.  You caught the devil before he $ucked you in...you wrestled him and beat him. Keep your eye out cuz he will try again. You are an amazing, strong, caring, beautiful person loved by many. You are a fighter. Sending prayers you way.

[VICourageous]

Hey Grasshopper! You are up a bit late too I see..hahaha
I am ready to go crash because it is way past my bedtime, but for some reason I feel a bit energized tonight. Maybe it was the coffee at the meeting, Ya Thank..lol

[dominosarah]

It's all good grasshopper, you made it another day~

[VICourageous]

Thanks Everyone..I see that we have a whole bunch of new people here..I want to Welcome you new ones..The site is full of Caring & Sharing Souls as you can see. It does not matter what you are going through, from detox to Life on its own Terms..Always reach out because this is a good place to be.
I would like my MH Family to know that after YOU ALL helped me, I got a call about the meeting tonight..I forgot what day it was and it was Pot Luck and Speaker night. I went and it was a BLESSING for sure..Many of my NA/AA friends came up and talk to me at different times. Each and everyone of them had so much great information to share with me..They made me see things in a better way..Then the girl that spoke tonight was just unbelievable. It was like it was all set up for me..Lots of things she said just brought back so many memories like when I first got clean almost 17 months ago..She said something that took me back to Sept 2012 when someone handed me the meeting to run..I wanted to focus that meeting on HUMBLE & SURRENDER..
That was so awesome to go back there and remember this. There was so much more that she hit and I shared this at the end of the meeting with tears rolling down my eyes. I told her that I am going to call her and stay close to her. Everywhere and Anywhere I have looked she is the one that hit it right on the nail and this was just her story. What great TIMING. She even mentioned TIME & PATIENCE which most of you know I say this in all the Posting..lol
SO the Lord does work in HIS TIME. That phone call to go to the meeting was for sure a good sign, because I hit the meeting. I came home very happy and with a whole new attitude toward Life and other Things.
I want to tell ALL of the Ones that have been with me all the way since I have posted about all my Deaths in the last few months and that have walked with me regarding my Mom...I LOVE YOU ALL AND WILL NEVER EVER FORGET YOUR HEART FELT SUPPORT..I will always be here to help anyone of you too. I just can not believe how BEAUTIFUL you all are.
Thank You, Thank You and Thank You..
I also want to thank the ones that I have talked to over the Phone too. You have really helped me so much and the support was truly amazing..I owe you all big time..lol
BLESS U ALL
Vickie

[Livenbfree]

Hi Vickie, like you I have had over 40 years on and off of drugs but this past July after reading many posts I went c/t off Heroin and Vicodin, your posts helped me quit you know, and unfortunately I also have a mom who is very sick, treat yourself to something nice, you know the score if you give in to the cravings, I was holding on to a Vicodin and thought I would treat myself to a high on New Years Eve and I ruined a perfectly good time out with my husband feeling sick as a dog, from taking that stupid pill. The cravings will pass, feel better.....................Sue

[ThePhoenix75]

Hey Vickie,
Just wanted to lend some strength.  You have always been there for everyone of us and we are here for you.  Can you block that # from your cell phone?  Please try to find a way to redirect.  Breathe and relax.  What you have been through is gut wrenching and what you are experiencing is justified.  Please take care of yourself.
Heidi

[msdelight]

Vic you know it is always darkest before the dawn.  This is the end of the road now.  You are scared out of your mind. You don't want to deal AGAIN.  You want to run and hide. You feel guilty and you miss your mom. These feelings are normal. You have to draw on all the skills and new ways of coping that you have learned so well in the past 16 months. It's just the second day she is in there. It's a huge adjustment and all of a sudden reality is becoming very real. Hold on tight mama. It would be a real tragedy to lose yourself now after you have come so far. I am praying for you and will talk to you soon.  <3

[meegWpaw]

hey Vickie just getting to the computer ... I kinda agree w. Weaver, I was thinking when I read ur post that with migraines much of the time I will get a real bad one AFTER the stress lets up.  I have heard this is common.  Not that it's the same thing but it did remind me of that idea.  like many said you have just been through SO much lately, it seems sort of a natural impulse but don't act on it!  we love you too much and you are too valuable and precious to do that to yourself.  you've been amazing through all of this and displayed such courage and grace.  its awful when you get those calls and messages tempting you.  don't give in.  I love you and i'm here for you ... Meg-Pie

[dominosarah]

Let yourself FEEL your emotions~

[ricart70]

So sorry Vic, just don't use ok?    I generally don't like sayings as I generally don't like much that I have heard more than once but there is one well used saying that comes to mind and it is this...."there is not a problem in the world that is so bad that using will not make it worse"          Hang in there cause we all love you ;))

[VICourageous]

Just talked to a few people over the phone. I guess it is just all crashing down to reality for me. I walk over here to my Moms trailer and just know she will never be back..I am having a crying break down..It is hitting me that my Step Dad is gone..I miss my Boy and it soon will be my Mom..Plus my Hubs dad. It has all been in a cluster and I am now breaking down with Emotions. I guess I need to go back home and be Thankful for what I have and chill out a bit.
Thanks

[selfinduced]

Vic, Do you have any local close friends you can vent with. This is a time where your husband/friends/family can really help you come to terms with what you've gone thru and the present. You know using would just be a total mind fu.. in every way possible. You are in need of support. You are worthy, your a great daughter, your struggling which is TOTALLY normal. Dear Heaven's you've been thru the mill of late. Give what you can to your mom, but don't exhaust yourself to the point of a backslide. Here for you.

[dominosarah]

Vic, i want you to take some deep breaths and sit quietly for a bit.  You will get thru this.  Tonight, put in a movie, snuggle up on the couch with your hubby and have some together time.  Your momma is being taken care of and you need the break.  This is the hard part of being a caregiver.  We put so much time and energy into taking care of them that we really do forget about the other things in our life.  Now tonight you are faced with something very foreign, some free time.  Dont let that addict brain take anymore time away from you now.  

[kyle505]

I really can't offer any help - I can only tell you that after two years I still get cravings that drive me up the wall. And when it happens I stop and look around; take a crude kind of inventory to see if there's something in particular that's setting me off, and 9 times out of 10 there is nothing.
So, you're in good company (I'm taking a leap of faith here). You've come WAY too far to do anything stupid now. Also, I just read your last post, and I too get butterflies if there are meds around, or even the possibility of meds around. Hang in there. And welcome to the club.
K

[VICourageous]

I Love You All..Saving Grace..I can feel myself calming down a bit..OH Boy that was BAD!!! SO CLOSE to picking the phone up in a wrong way.
Bless
Plus Now this is BAD but I must tell you the truth..Maybe this is another reason why. I had someone leave me a message the other day..I did NOT pick up or call, but they called and wanted to know if I wanted to buy something..NOT sure what..I just know it would of been Klons or Methadone.

[weaver71]

When I broke down the hardest was once. I felt safe, like everything was somewhat taken care of. Then I think I finally relaxed enough to collapse. I think you may just be letting some tension surface that's been building up with each ordeal. You never had to to recoup, you just pushed on strong like you do. I think your heart is just letting it go, it will be so much better when it's all out. You are always on my mind, always, on my mind.

[IBKleen]

Surround yourself with support right now hun. You CAN get through this. Remember it is only temporary. Keep talking..yelling, crying...whatever it takes! We're here for you.