hello everyone

[Pjtwenty]

Its been a long while since I've been here. I wish I was posting with better news but I'm not. I feel like a real you know what. Debated about posting under another name because I feel guilt and shame.
So I was doing great and for some reason thought it would be a great idea to use again back in November. By the beginning of the year Iwas trying suboxone bbecause it was much cheaper to fill my fix. I got up to an 8mg a day level. Just took my last bit last night about 24hrs ago. The person I was getting from ran out and won't have any until Tues. I've been wanting to quit but like my addict self kept saying I'll start tomorrow. So now I'm left to do it by no other choice.
I must say I'm a bit fearful of the days to come because of sub's. And their horror stories.
I made the huge mistake of stopping going to meetings and reaching out. And now look where I landed.
Feeling very guilty.

[pillguy]

When you feel like it give us an update.  I hope all is OK with you.

[gnarly_1]

Hey Dude  how you doing?? are you still tapering or did you just Jump??  any way up date us when you got the time.....Gnarly

[pillguy]

Suboxone is an opiate replacement therapy containing Buprenorphine and naloxone in a 4:1 ratio.  The naloxone is poorly absorbed sublingually and orally but is absorbed vis IV.  The naloxone is added to reduce IV abuse.

Subutex is just Buprenorphine, no naloxone

[Heather8448]

do what yah gotta do and get clean bro. it took a lot of courage to come back here. I suggest while you taper go back to meetings. they can help you. I promise you wont be alone.

[suesopaddict]

I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. I've been there; I feel you. Do you have a sponsor or can seek out someone from a meeting to talk with. I wish you the best. I do have a question: Do you know what the difference is between Suboxone & Subtext?

[asailorswife]

making someone feel guilty isn't going to get them far in their recovery, whether it's a brand new thing or a set back such as the one above. sorry, just my opinion after reading some of the comments here.

PJ, i remember you from when i first joined; i sat up for three days reading post after post and kept coming back to yours. if i were you, i would lose all contact with whoever you were getting the subs from. make this time count. stay on here, talk to people, read posts. do what you have to do to get clean!

after care as you know, is important! keep going to meetings. reach out to friends that may understand. and if you do not have any - that's why you have this forum!

best of luck to you, hun - feel free to message me anytime! <3

[VICourageous]

Hi PJ.
Long time no read on here. YOU have been on here long enough to know the DRILL. Get back on that horse and try another trail.
Can NOT add much more then your old MH Friends have added.
I will be praying for you.
Get back that SUPPORT and do stay away from all those users or boozers.

Glad you came back. I see a lot of us that just come & go lately. However, we still are here for SUPPORT.
Bless
Vickie

[pillguy]

Smacks in the face?  Not from me.  I think you've made a wise choice to enhance your opportunity for success.  This is a very rapid taper but way better than nothing.  Getting down to 2mg is not that bad and the work you do to get to .5 will make the jump survivable.  

Cheers

[EvolverU]

Forgive me J, :)

I was waiting to see if you'd post what you just posted on open forum & I'm way proud that you did!! I'm answering your PM's now.

Okay, so you're going to taper. In terms of it working -- it'll work if you want it to -- just like any other detox. Don't let what you read frighten you! What about meetings? How's that going? How are you feeling about that?

[Pjtwenty]

Annie, sent you a couple PM's

Yes I did get more sub's yesterday. I'm going to taper down to a lower dose before I jump. I was on 8-10mg a day. Went about four days with nothing. Took about 6mg yesterday, Tues. Woke up today,wed, feeling pretty lousy. Just took 1mg and feeling better but not great. Idea is to take 4mg today and tom. Then go to 2mg for four days then 1mg.  Then skip days using .50
I'm hoping this works. I'm sure I'm in for a bundle of smacks in the face from y'all.

[EvolverU]

Welp, J..

It's Tuesday. Are you still with us dude? I pray that you are :) Seriously, even if you picked up, please let us know. Don't isolate. Lean on us!

[Heather8448]

Funny, was remembering my journey and the people who helped me. I wouldnt be here if it wasnt for you, I dont get on much cept to read meegy's journals, and I write but keep em private mostly...its a safe place to journal for me. I check my msg and thats it.
back to my point was thinking bout my detox and my journey and the people who just listened and you were a huge part of my life. I dont know that I would be alive or clean if it wasnt for you. Thank you!!
We need you around, I need you around!!
I am glad you are back. I was praying for people who I havent heard from (there are a lot out there and it breaks my heart) you were one of them. I went to call yah and i bought a new phone, a lot of my numbers didnt transfer..then today I happen to scroll and you are here :) :)
welcome home!! stay this time!! Miss yer face friend :) I believe in yah

[gnarly_1]

Hey Bro long time no see....im glad you posted we dont shoot our wounded.....you know what you got to do ride out the storm get to meetings work the steps and live in recovery witch is a amazing life you got this dude  the sub is going to su ck but you got it in you to break free we have a lot of members that have mad it off 8mg so dont sweet it .....it wont be pritty but it is doable just keep posting message me any time..................Gnarly..................

[meegWpaw]

hi PJ welcome back.  you can do this, i'm on your side  :)

[Ready2befree]

Hey PJ.  I've come off 650 mgs of hydro/oxy/morphine and Subs are no joke! I bailed at 4mgs.  I should have went way further down.  However I'm a very determined person.   That was my biggest thing going for me in sense of Sobriety.   You need to just get off and stay off.  Live life on life's terms..not yours! I don't make promises often and the ones I do I always keep.  I PROMISE you right now you're life will improve free and clear from Pharmaceuticals.  Good luck and Peace to you!

[pillguy]

Horrific is a subjective term :-)  I started subs that I bought on the street.  I'm an intelligent person but you wouldn't know it by the way I went about using subs.  After a while I started reading stuff.  People were having a terrible time getting off this stuff.  After a year of coasting along with no progress, I decided to go into a formal treatment program.  This treatment program used to discharge patients after they reduced their usage to 2mg.  People in my groups asked for a speaker who had successfully quit suboxone.  They didn't have anyone.  I asked my doctor how his success stories had successfully quit.  He said he didn't have any.  70% relapsed and 30% just disappeared.  I started searching for success stories and found those who did get off usually jumped at very low doses, some as low as .125mg.  That's 1/64th of an 8mg strip.  I jumped at .25 and still had moderate WDs and a couple months to start feeling normal.  Can it be done at higher levels?  Sure, but read Readytobefree's comments.  He jumped at 4mg and he's ready to castrate any doc who even suggests using subs.
I'm not trying to talk you out of going CT.  Do your best.  If it's not doable, don't give up.  Know there's another approach that can get you where you want to be

[Pjtwenty]

Are you saying jumping from 8 to nothing the wds would be horrific. I've come off high doses of hydro's before 150mg a day. I've been through some tough detoxes. Idk. Honestly I've thought about tapering but Dont think I have the willpower.

[pillguy]

Your situation is a tough one.  I'm just going to be honest with my opinion.  Many here may disagree with my opinion.  8mg is almost impossible to ct off of.  You still have access because you still have that phone number.  I'm worried that you will give up and continue your use.  I'm convinced that the best chance of success is to get to lower levels.  Dropping from 8mg to 2mg is fairly easy compared to getting from 2mg to 0mg.  There's a website called heipmegetoffdrugs.  There's MRIs of brains at 16mg vs 2mg.  There's also calculators one can use to build a taper plan.  I was referred to this site by a counselor in my treatment plan.  

So, what would I do?  I'd get into a treatment plan.  I'd get on a short term suboxone plan to taper down to no more than ,25mg.    I work full time in a computer data center.  I was still able to work, go to meetings, have random UAs and take care of 2 granddaughters with severely alcoholic parents.  my schedule is as full as anyone and I could do it.  I've been in the plan for a year.  I'm done with groups but I'm still on the random UA list, at my request.  I don't have any plans to leave treatment anytime soon.  I've earned the right to meet with my counselor whenever I feel the need

I've plugged in 8mg daily dose into the calculator.  At that dose the taper takes 50 days.  This is not a taper "schedule", just an indication of how long it can take to taper.
And finally, the treatment could address why your past efforts failed.

[Pjtwenty]

My game plan, not to use. I'm gonna call my source today to let them know. They have plenty of other people looking so I won't have to worry about them bugging me to buy. They were my only source.
I started the sub's with the idea of quitting. What a dumb idea and I know better. I'll keep posting. Gonna start journaling again on here.

[dominosarah]

We have told you many times the only person you let down was you.  Gotta change that playground and your playmates.  You also know that our secrets keep us sick.  If you lose some people along the way they were never intended to be in your life to begin with.

[pillguy]

The past is the past.  Can't change it.  Doesn't do any good to lament about it.  All it's good for is to help guide our decisions in the future.  

So, about Tuesday.  What's your plan?  

[Pjtwenty]

Oh poor Angie. That just *****!  I need to try and contact her. Last time we talked was email cause her phone was off. Annie you are truly amazing. I hope you realize how much you help people.

[EvolverU]

Oh J :) (another hug)

If you've let anyone down -- it's you, darlin'! Let's do this for you. FOR YOU this time so that you can feel good about yourself! No one deserves it more. When you do it for you -- you're doing it for your boys, the new girl in your life (that's awesome! :)) & everyone else that cares about you.

Dude, if you lose people in the process -- well, hey -- it means they don't understand the nature of the beast, they weren't truly friends to begin with or they have their own stuff going on. I know that it's hard. I know that it takes bravery to do what you're proposing (coming out to those around you) & to start again but the alternative is unthinkable. Doing nothing will lead to catastrophe sooner or later. I'm glad you've got your own place to do this in. Do you think that you'll be able to cut this source? Are you working? I think a couple of meetings might make you feel better & bolster you! (What say, ye? -- Sooner the better?)

As far as I know, Ang is okay. Her mother passed away suddenly on Mother's Day & her sister & I got her a ticket home. I think she might be considering moving back down there..not sure..she hasn't been in touch.

I'm not on all that often anymore -- work like a demon & don't spend to much time on the old laptop but I'm super-glad I caught this! If you need to talk, message me & I'll give you my number.

Hang in there J, we're with ya' :)

[Pjtwenty]

Thanks!  I started crying reading your words cause you've been there for me so much. And I keep letting everyone down. You and Angie helped me out tremendously!!  I hope she is doing ok. We lost communication and I'm sure you know why.
My life is going pretty well overall minus this damn relapse. I'm still separated from my wife not legally divorced yet. But working on that. Got my own place for me and my boys, when I have them.
I've also been seeing this really cool woman. No she is not my source, she doesn't know about my relapse but does know about my history.

All the people I keep letting down. Its just ridiculous I do this.

As far as my plan. I haven't thought about it. The sub train stopped suddenly and though I kept telling myself wean off, wean off, I never did obviously!  I feel ok 36hrs into it. It feels like 12 hrs into regular wds. I know what I need to do. Not go back. I need to hit meetings and tell my friends and family where I'm at again. I'll probably lose some people in the process but its better than losing myself.