feeling stupid

[Whydidistart]

just last week i was praising my self on 5 days clean. and yet again fell back of before kicking my self in th @$$. here i  am at day 3 cold turkey of oxy's yet again. this time im done for sure swear on my sons life. i confessed to my source which was my mother in law that i was taking them from her and i bought her a lock box for her pills. she let me know shes there for me and knew i was taking them cuz she could see it and isnt dumb. anyways, nothing out of the usual for me this time sore ankles today and very tired. got a good nights sleep last night with the help of 20mg of melatonin. i just can't wait until the day i get to sleep 8+ hours on my own again i love that feeling.

so you know my usage background i was snorting 2-4 30mg oxys a day for the past 9 months. with my last usage saturday night about 7:30pm. i've been able to stop 3 times in the past twice were both 5 days and once was 3 weeks. ughhhh here we go again only this time im staying true to my self.

[Whydidistart]

I gotta do it just have to. Wish there was a way to fast forward time instead of just sitting here waiting it out especially when you've made it so far before just is a Bummer. I just need this next week to fly by so my sleep stays returning to normal

[weaver71]

That's what I thought, and it may work for you, give it a shot. I was doing it for my wonderful kids for so long. I almost lost them. My wife knew anyway, I was kiding myself, and she was hoping she was enough for me to change. My kids mean the world to me, but deep things are involved in opiate addiction. I hope it works to do it for them on the sly, but remember what we are saying, there is another way, just in case.

[Whydidistart]

its not that i dont want to go its that my wife can't know. so therefor its not an option to me thats why i cant go. just looking at my family is enough to want to stop and stay clean. just the first few day process *****. lol

[weaver71]

I failed over and over for 2 1/2 years, I promise AA/NA is better than that. You don't have to stick with it, but I am over a year clean, 15 months I think, I stopped counting, never really focused on time that much. Focusing on being good rather than feeling good is what has done it for me. All those folks told me they got help, aftercare, they had more time than I ever had. I decided maybe I didn't know something they did. I started doing what was advised. Seriously, try different things to find peace, counseling, church, NA, it doesn't matter, but you have to get inspired to be the best you there is. It will work. Take it on faith if you have to, but don't think willpower is enough. To many of us battled down that road and failed. The humility of asking for help and actually doing something to accept it is more valuable than you can imagine. You can do it, but get together with others in your area. It will help, trust it, even if you don't feel it.

[HappyDays2Come]

No, I made it 2 months and then went pill crazy until I came back and saw my old tracker at 280...

I'm 34 days clean today (my second, and final, time around). I think I started sleeping good around day 10-14. Day 14 was a big turning point and then day 20 was even better.

[Whydidistart]

you made its 280 days? wow ***** you let that go. glad your back at it. how long did it take for sleep to come back for you?

[HappyDays2Come]

When I relapsed I went back and read my other threads and I looked at my recovery tracker...it was close to 280 days and I was like "wonderful, now I have to change this back to day 1." What matters is that you're back and ready to try again...you can do it this time :).

[Whydidistart]

my trigger is sleep lol no lie. if i cant get a good nights sleep id go snopping through my mother inlaws room to find them. so i could get a goodnights sleep. what started it all was stupidty just wanted to try and instantly was hooked. thanks for the quick response i have tons of other threads on here and i read them and im like wow only if i stuck to it. this time i will

[HappyDays2Come]

It took me almost 2 weeks to really start getting some good sleep (ahhhh I used to dream of sleep)! Just keep taking melatonin (although I believe that the amount you take won't make a difference, so keep it around 3mg) and it will come with time. Good luck and I really urge you to figure out what your triggers are and to find some sort of after care. We have to make changes in order to really change. :)

[Whydidistart]

no aftercare for me just cold turkey and fighting through it. im going to get through it this time no matter what. the plus side is i have no anixety no nausea although i dont feel like eating today. i have my sex drive, its just i cant sleep. i tried making a thread about sleep but it didnt work out. im thinking maybe a month to get 8+ hours of sleep? idk thats what im hoping for.

[HappyDays2Come]

Hi and welcome back! Don't beat yourself up. You could've decided to get back into your addiction but instead you're back here and ready to try again...that is huge. Many of us fall before we finally get and stay clean. You can do this. Try to figure out what triggered your use so you can better prepare for next time and always keep your guard up. Have you thought about aftercare? It's so important for us to have an outlet to talk about our addictions, and even more important to have the support of others.

Also, I am so impressed that you talked to your mother in law and told her the truth! That is so admirable and she will respect you so much for your honesty! Keep posting and be sure to stick around this time :). We're cheering for you!