I am a stimulant addict of major proportion

[madvickylopez]

i have been prescribed 60 mg time release ritalin since i was a child and i've been crushing and snorting it for a little over two years in order to cope with a monetarily devastating cocaine habit. it started "small" at around 120 mg a day. but then escalated to once a week use of maybe 300mg at a time shared amongst friends.

now onto the disaster that i am currently in, i have begun to use it by myself exclusively in copious amounts. one night a week, i will snort around 1000mg over the coarse of 5-7 hours. i am sad to say, but the once a- week use is not a display of self-regulation, but merely the first day that i am given my week's supply of 14 pills and several 10 mg methalphenidayte (?) supplementals.  after the first rail wears off, the high ceases to be enjoyable and the more that i mistakenlty attempt to perpetuate the initial euphoria, the deeper i fall into paranoia and phsychosis. i become afraid and delusional and cannot, however hard i try, pull myself away from the repetition of the same meaningless task, which is to stare out of various windows in my dark and silent house, hearing banal sounds and reasoning that it must be my first sign that my safety is in jeopardy.  i suppose that this is the archetype of a speed freak.

i think that what i suffer from is not an addiction to the high of powerful stimulants, but more an addiction to the act and ritual of snorting white powder and all things about it aside from euphoria (i.e. the color, texture, burn, and drip.)

though after this one night of terror, i am fine. i do not think about it, seek it out when the supply is gone, or suffer from withdrawels. my life goes on as normal.

this frightened and agoraphobic paranoiac only becomes me each sunday, as if a split personality. otherwise, i am a socially-motivated published poet, who goes to shows and parties and has many friends (very few of whom know of this affliction).

this routine holds nothing for me anymore. what once used to inspire esoteric thought and creativity has now created a dual secret life in which i become the antithesis of myself. with this notion, i have tried to quit innumerable times, but an uncontrolable affinity toward this drug seems to control my body and actions as my desire can but helplessly watch.

it feels as though i am merely a puppet of this poison, and it, my puppeteer.

Can anyone relate to anything that i've said? has anyone successfully quit? if so, have you any helpful technique or mindset to share? or encouraging words?

i've almost lost my boyfriend over this.

[10356]

Welcome to the forum and congratulations on your first step to stopping a very destructive and dangerous habit.. Why not give your meds to your boyfriend or someone close and have them dole it out for you. You need to stop pushing your brain and body to the point of psychosis as one of these times you may not just snap back.. Besides the damage you may be doing to your septum... Just as with cocaine or any drug it will continue to grow in the amount you consume it is good you are trying to get a handle on it now.. I wish you well in life.. lesa

[katarina777]

madvickylopez:  "it feels as though i am merely a puppet of this poison, and it, my puppeteer."

I can relate to that an awful lot!