I am back and terrifed and embarrassed

[deannalynne85]

If I could only have stayed focused on this I was reading through here and I would be well over two weeks clean.  On day three I ended up going to get a script thinking I would taper myself down.  Well that didnt work either....I was to embarassed to post anything but this is just crazy.  I was miserable w/d and I have been miserable the past few weeks....so this is it.  I HAVE TO DO THIS.....I am just so terrified.  Hell I couldnt even make it past day 3 before and to top it of i will be on day 2 of w/ds and starting a new waitress job.  I found this sight such a comfort and even made a few friends but then was just to stupid to talk to anyone about what i was doing and now here i am again.  I just honestly dont know if I have the strenght in me to do this......but I dont have the strength in my to keep living the way I am.....I am just lost and embarrassed and very confused.  Most of all I am just so mad at myself.  So dang mad.

[vicki595]

Sometimes,(well,most of the time!!) we can't do this by ourselves. Do you have someone to help you,support you,and that you trust?

Have you talked with a doctor?  There are two ways to get away from the pills: taper off or stop at once. It's hard both ways!!  Tapering has it's plus side because you won't feel so rotten and you can build your support base and move ahead.

Where are you right now? No pills? Some left?  You're starting a job so you can't be running to the bathroom!!  Taper and call your doctor for some help!

Good luck!!

[deannalynne85]

thank you for your response....yes its all hard but i just dont seem to have it in my to taper myself....so cold turkey is the only way to go.  Yes, I called the Dr. he wasnt in today but the nurse told me she would talk with him.  I am not sure what he will do.  I am thinking he will probably drop me because he as a dr. is being investigated himself.  The only thing he does is prescribe pain and anxiety meds and charges 85.00 every month and he doesnt take insurance so the red flags should have came up when i started seeing him but at that time i wasnt as bad on the lortabs and that was why I went there.   So by calling them and telling them my problem not real sure what he will do.  I am prepared for him to drop me so i have to do this.......I actually have 7 left.  I am going to try with all my might to just take 1 for the next 7 days not even sure if that will help at this point.  you actually reminded of something....i had forgotten about the bathroom situation....i will have to go and get me some imodium before I start work.  I am just so scared and as I stated mad at myselft.  I would be 18 days clean now if i wouldnt have went back and at least starting this job wouldnt be so hard.......i have to quit beating myself up over this i know but i still can not believe this is where I am at in my life and i have done it to myself.  

[BlueOpiate]

Don't look backwards, look forward.  You have 7 left, not a whole lot, but if you want to get through the first day of a new job, maybe taking 1 before hand wouldn't be that bad an idea.  The thing with a tapper, which I can't do anymore no matter how hard I try, is you only take them to keep WD minimal or at bay, not to get high.  People aren't allowed to give you a tapper but google is a mighty powerful tool.  Good luck, I'm rooting for you.

[ImDONENoMore]

You need to say goodbye to that Dr.  I mean, you KNOW he's being investigated so the further away from him you are, the better off you're going to be.  The only kind of contact you should have with that office is to tell them you're DONE, to cancel all scripts and to never prescribe those meds to you again.  You have to remove ALL access to them.

And toss those 7 pills - you admitted you can't taper so there's NO need to keep them.  Flush them and start again.  There is whole new life waiting for you deanne - it's time to get honest with yourself (and yes, this was the HARDEST part of my recovery) and just begin to move forward.  And we will be right here for you to help you through.  And please, PLEASE, find some kind of aftercare.  Not sure if you fully realize this yet, but you are WORTH it!!!!  :)

[more0then0a0virus]

Hi.
            I was also really depressed when i started to drink after 7 days of not drinking. One day I just drank because I lost control, and the other I drank to escape from feeling guilty about the first day,
       I`m not physical dependent (except i had insomnia, heart papilations during that time)  and i can`t say i`m psychologically addicted also, because I can`t even think realistically about it.
       But, then my friend said that ups and downs are normal, but the most important thing is to have more ups then downs. She said to me: "Look at what you have accomplished. You haven`t been drinking for 7 days, and that`s a progress. Can you even remember when was the last time you haven`t been drinking so long? " If she haven`t said that, I would have drank that day also. But she showed me the other side.
        Viewing things like that might help you to find a strength to taper yourself again.
        
        I`m also mad at myself because even if I haven`t been drinking for 13 days (except five beers), I manage to drink 93,81 standard drinks during last 30 days (counting these 13 days also). So, i think it`s normal to feel f*cked up. But if you don`t start viewing the positive side of last18 days, it will be really hard for you to succeed.

       And I also talked to ppl on this site and I don`t want to anymore because I`m a failure and I just waste their time... You have to find some power in you. It`s there, you just have to find it. Think about making friends, and how great it was to make a change. Think about how awesome can it be if you start again...

        And it`s ok you haven`t succeed at first. You just have to keep trying. The process is hard, but result is what counts. And your is really great, comparing to your past...

     I can believe where I am now either, but f*ck, we are here, we`ve done this to ourselves, it was our choice at first, and we have to deal with it... We cannot change past, we can just build a better future...

      Someone said: "The hardest thing to do is to fight w/yourself". Even though i think it`s true, that`s exactly what you have to do. This whole time of running away from reality, we let our weak side to overpower the strong one. And now you have to find this strong one somewhere in you, and fight to overpower the weak one...

Best wishes... And I hope you`ll be successful...

[more0then0a0virus]

P.S. Your fight have already began... The strong part of you wrote this, not the weak one. So it must be there somewhere. And just keep talking to ppl who are here. No matter if you`ll do it zillion times... They can help you. You just have to be persistent...

[deannalynne85]

thank you all for your kind words.  I am just so terrified of this.....completely terrified.  They just called and I have to go in tomorrow for a staff meeting at my new job.  They open Friday morning.  It is a new resturaunt here in our small town and when i got that call i just went into a panic.  I know how bad w/ds are.  I have been taking loratab for well over 12 years going from 1 back then to up to twenty a day.  I have been without before only to be looking.and a couple of weeks back is when I decided to take this seriously and that is when i came across this site.  I went thru pure hell, watching the minutes tick away on the clock and then finally i caved on my third day and went back on them.  I really thought I could taper myself....but I am an addict and I cant do it that way either.  I am  just completely distraught....why did i do this to myself, my family, my friends.  This life is no life though.  Even with the pills I am still, emotionless and pretty much stay put in my home.  I have been a stay at home mom for 16 years and am in a relationship but this job is so important.  I know they say God works in mysterious ways but I really didnt want to start job right in the middle of w/d's.  I am just at a loss for what to do but I know three things for sure.  One and most important I have to stop this.  My body cant take much more of this, two I have to keep this job and three i just want to be normal whatever that may be.  I dont even know what normal is anymore.  I am babbling a bit here, just a little freaked about the work issue on top of w/ds.  I am just completely terrified of what lies ahead.  

[deannalynne85]

the crying and craziness has already begun and I havent even begun w/ds yet.  

[more0then0a0virus]

I haven`t had much experience with opiates so I don`t have any advise for tomorrow.

In my country now is pass 1:30 AM, and I`m all anxious and cannot sleep, even though i have to be awaken at 7 am. I haven`t been drinking today, so...

You have an urge? Did you took something in the meantime? Think about tomorrow. You need this job. Don`t let your weak side to win. You CAN do this. Leave pills 4 tomorrow. Just don`t take them... Talk to us here... Preoccupy yourself with something...

[TheBigEasy]

You really need to RELAX!!!  Way too much reading and EXPECTING the worst.  It's really not that bad...the crying was the BEST part for me.  I actually had emotions again...what a great relief!!!  Keep your mind busy and NEVER sit and think.  You'll be just fine.  Trust me.  Look at all these damn CAPITAL letters...someone has rubbed off on me.  LOL  =D

Hang in there Deanna...it gets easier one second at a time.

[more0then0a0virus]

I meant, did you take(not took) something in the meantime? Even if you had, you could say it... Don`t hide. No one will judge you... Just be here... And be honest, because that is the only way someone can help you and give you advise.,,

I hope someone else will come here soon to tell you what to do w/your job...

[more0then0a0virus]

Have some faith in you. And TheBigEassy˙s approach might help you. Even if it is hard and sounds impossible and unreal(like to me), try to think that way. Appreciate the part of you that is strong and normal... Fight 4 yourself... Look at the positive side(You are winning right now. Your feelings just prove that...).

[TheBigEasy]

You need to think of each hour as a HUGE milestone.  Reward yourself with something after you complete a milestone.  After 24 hours, go get a message and relax for a bit.  The hardest part is the mental battle...you need to be strong minded to get through this.  You WILL fail if you don't believe in yourself.

[deannalynne85]

Thank you for the kind words everyone.  This life is no life to live at all.  It just totally ***** living life like this.  Being an addict isnt quite what I had in mind for my life but twelve years later here I am.  This job is so important to me and getting clean is just as importatnt.  I will take thebigeasy's approach and go back to minute to minute thinking.  I cant worry about Friday until Friday.  But going thru w/ds Friday is an eternity away.  This is just insane.  How did I even get to this point?  Why cant I be a normal person?  All these emotions and i dont know what to do with them.  

[TheBigEasy]

LOL..you need to understand this is NOT your fault.  You were prescribed these...it's not like you were on the streets trying things.  Look in the devils face and laugh.  It's over...you WANT your life back and deserve it back.  Friday????  Deanna...you need to worry about Tuesday.  One minute at a time.  I can promise you, from experience, that if you stay clean until Friday, the WORST WILL BE OVER!!!!!  I promise you that...

[deannalynne85]

and to you....you just said something that clicked....i will fail if i dont believe in myself.  I have to do this.  I am going to make this site my homepage and with everyones help and my strength to do this.....I AM GOING TO DO THIS......Now I may not have the same thinking tomorrow its just I know what is in store for me.  But maybe trying to work will keep my mind occupied for a bit.  I remember last time I tried this everyone kept telling me to keep busy and I did good to let the dog out.  This time it is a have to situation.  There is no turning back.  I HAVE TO DO THIS

[TheBigEasy]

Very good...you have no choice but to do this.  I know you are tired of living in a fog, always looking at the stupid clock and calculating when you can take another pill, and praying every day that you just want to be normal again.  Like it or not, we are all DIFFERENT on these pills.  I never believed that until I was done.  I was not the same and I HATED that person.  Over 40 days clean now and I haven't thought about the devil in weeks.  I even had guys doing them right in front of me and I almost puked looking at them.  I promise...you WILL get there.  I had sooooo much to live for before I stopped...I now have soooooo much MORE to live for.  

[ImDONENoMore]

YOU WOULDN'T BE TALKING ABOUT ME WOULD YOU EASY???  LOL!!!

[TheBigEasy]

LOL...no maaam.  Pillsnomore is FAMOUS for capitalizing certain words.  She's ADDICTING!!!!  =D  

[deannalynne85]

what happened to pillnomore...i was looking for her and havent seen her on here today.  You and her were a lot of help to me last time I attempted this.  Have a feeling I am going to need everyones help for a long time to come.  BUT I CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!

[more0then0a0virus]

You are welcome...

"Why cant I be a normal person?" is a question i though about a lot. But when you say this now, I must say: normal is a relative thing. And you are "normal". You just lost yourself somewhere on the way, and you are not the only one. It just happens. To a lot of people...  

You feel guilty. And that˙s not so weird. But don`t do that. At least try. That kills your power. You did some things you are not proud of, but we all did. Every person. and I totally understands how you feel, but try not to bother yourself w/this now, try to focus on staying clean. You will have a lot of time to analyze past, but now it`s time for you to focus on new page you are turning in your life... Try not to think about all the bad things, that makes some negative energy and makes you more vulnerable...

you feel bad because you reach this point. when we run away from reality it is hard to see ourselves and that`s how you ended up here. and now you are going back to real world so all this (negative) feelings, trapped inside of you, are getting out. But don`t let them to overpower you. Because this time is different. This time you can do it. And you will succeed...

You have a choice. And you are strong enough to manipulate yourself to think positive. You can blame yourself or not. You can think "no one is stupid like me" (even though deep inside you know that`s not realistically true), or "worse stuff had happen. At least I didn`t kill anyone or took somebody else`s life and choice". I think that`s the worst thing person can do.And you didn`t...

[TheBigEasy]

YES...You can do this!!!!  She's around.  I'm sure she'll pop in sooner than later.  We're always checking on each other as we beat this hell together.  It's really nice to find someone in the same situation as yourself.  There are a lot of posts of people at the same stage as you...friend one and do it together.  We had some really bad days but we stuck it out together and became close friends after the devil was gone.

[more0then0a0virus]

You have an inspiration! That`s great! Are you happy about your decision? And and about winning?

[deannalynne85]

and another thing you said....you hated yourself on the pills....that is the way I feel.  I hate myself on them...I am not even me.  I fly off the handle....easily and i look at pics and i dont even know myself anymore.  I just want to get thru this more than i have ever wanted anything in my life.  Then i get thru this I can be me again and by the Grace of God everything else will fall into place.  Funny thing is tho....i truely dont even know who me is anymore....i have been emotionless for so long....this is just crazy.  It truely is.