I need to come clean and I need to get clean

[lynnalb15]

Please dont say oh no not again. Or really Lynn? I need help. Two weeks started again in methadone. Why am I doing this. Im a hypocrit and a terrible person ive lied and lied and lied to get it. I can't afford it anymore. And I just can't do it anymore. Please let's focus on me. My family is fine I don't wana talk about them cause it really gets me down. I need help. I'm on 40 mg a day if that. I can't taper cause I can't afford it. I'm a ******* loser seriously. What is this the fourth time since I've been on here. My life beyond the drugs would be so great! Oh my god who have I become. Gnarly help!!!

[Kell2184]

Your post is way more then my words can produce! Thank you for being such an inspiration to people! =)

[bama88]

Lynn..
Your far from stupid. So stop beating yourself up. Your smart to recognize you need help. That's a Smart decission. A good decission. A healthy one. So what if this is your fourth try? Who's counting? Do you know how many times i tried to.quit on my own? Try every month when i ran out...for eight years...and i found this place... All of y'all. And now here Im clean.

What Im trying to.say..is when you get brutally honest. Come clean with the lies..lifestyle..behavior...that's when the true healing begins.. When you take that hard long ugly look at the truth of your problem....you'll quit. Now Im not being hard on you. By no means..addiction is ugly. Evil. And destroys your life. Addiction is addiction. There is no other way to put it.

On a positive note...omg omg i admire your strength and courage coming forward and telling the truth. High five and goldennstars for that.!!!!

So.stop beating yourself up and welcome aboard!!! I wondered where you went

[Kell2184]

Your far from stupid so please don't think that. Are addict minds during detox are not thinking clearly so there is plenty of support here to help you get clean. Keep the faith and remember this to shall pass! =)  

[lynnalb15]

Thank you all. So here's how my night went. I downed the rest stupidly thinkin oh I'll get more tomorrow. And today I got my last dose and I'm tapering for a week. I'll let u know how it goes. Please just keep the support coming.

[Kell2184]

Lynn one great thing about this forum is I have noticed that no matter what decisions you have made or anything you have done none of us judge because lets be honest were not in a position to anyways. I am on day 29 and have the ups and downs and wish I could just take some pills to make it go away. However I have been seeing my therapist regularly because the shame and guilt drive me to want to use. She has been teaching me to deal with the waves of dread and guilt I feel during the day. One exercise I have found to help me out a lot when a wave of this washes over me is to massage my body. It helps to feel this energy, process it and let it go. An important part of detox is dealing with these bad feelings. I have faith in you and if you need a friend I am all ears. Keep the faith because this to shall pass!

[dominosarah]

How are you today Lynn?

[theaddict]

i've said it a million times, and i'll say it again... at least you're being honest with all of us as well as yourself. there are too many others that some feel aren't being honest with either at all.

we're all here for you, so try not to beat yourself up over any of this. it's normal to relapse and to stretch the truth when it comes to things like this. keep your head up.

[Tommygunn74]

Lynn

  I did the same thing. took a low dose & told everyone i was off. I think it was because I didn't think that they would understand that I still felt so miserable even though i was still taking something. If you cut your self down & are still moving that way & your upset that your not there yet then you ARE STILL on the right path. Addicts are somewhat impulsive "live in the moment" people yet when they feel pain they think its forever. You need to do this for you. I know how scary this is for you. I was terrified too. You need someone to help you & monitor a strict plan to cut you down in a timely yet bareable taper. You will hurt, But you need to convince yourself that the pain is good. That pain will burn into your mind & keep you from going back. in my bad times My montra is "I can take it. I can take anything" . 1 more thing. Never put yourself down again. That may be your excuse or one of your triggers. It is definately one of mine. If you want it bad enough you will overcome.YOU WILL Beat this sickness we are all in this together.

Tommy

[all_alone1]

Lynn...I am glad you found the courage to come on here an let it out.....it tale a lot I know..

I am proud of the fact you did and know everyone will be here to support even if it is just talking to someone....I am here for you as well as many others......

just know that you are not a terrible person...no judgement are going to be made here...just support.....and lots off it

[lynnalb15]

I promise from here on only the
Truth. Those lies were killing me slowly and feeding my addiction. I can't do it anymore. Thank you for being so great to me. An thanks to gnarly for helping me countless times.

[dominosarah]

You will get sober my friend.  We will help you.  No more lies now, only the truth.

[lynnalb15]

I have no idea what is triggering me. But I haven't really quit I've been living a lie thinking doing low doses didn't count so it's been about 5 months now I've been lying to myself and everyone here and I'm so sorry I want more than anything to be sober. It's all comingn out little by little. And I am so upset.

[dominosarah]

Oh Lynn, i am so sorry to read this.  What is triggering you to use again?  You are not a terrible person so i dont want to hear you say that anymore okay?  Keeping those negatives thoughts in your head gets you nowhere.  We are here for you so lean on us~~~sara