I really messed up.

[mrsmisfit]

I'm back once again! I really am scared. I took 4-5 hydro' 10's for the past 5 years to get high. Like all addicted moms, It made me super mom. I promised myself I would never let it escalate and take more than that. So of course after a few years it didn't have the same effect so I got clean. I made it 90 days. the best 90 Ive had in years. My husband I split for about 6 mos. Not because of drug use, that he doesn't know about. I took them when we met 4 years ago and he's never found out. A huge guilt waying on me everyday, lying to my husband. It really took a toll on me and I began taking them again to cope. Anyhoo, The dealer I had doesnt have them anymore he only deal with Oxy which I promised myself I'd never take because it was stronger. Well I gave in. Way more expensive and extremely addictive. I felt high again. Ive tried to detox from it a couple times and the wd's seem so much worse and a huge craving for the drug. Not like the Hydro. I'm so scared of this and want to get off and get my life back.I know that I am a better mother, wife off of these devils. I really feel I got myself into something deeper and I'm becoming really depressed. Any helpful word are appreciated

[magnoliaooo]

     I just wanted to say Hi and I to have been in your shoes. I took lortabs for so many years and I so understand what you said about you feeling like supermom. I thought they made be have more energy, more talented, better wife etc. What they were doing was eating my soul, I did everything around the pills, vacations, job interviews , everything. I relapsed so many times over a 15 year period, I was so dissapointed in myself all the time. I finally surrendered over 90 days ago and it has been hard but if you really want it this time you can do it. I have been right where you are but this last time I had really had enough. Stay on this web-site so many great people have helped me, find someone on here you can talk to, share your struggles, we all understand we are all addicts. The main thing I have finally realized is I took drugs to mask the pain in my life, now being pill free we are forced to deal with our problems, it is not easy but if you really want it dig down deep and just do it. Your kids would be so proud of you, and you deserve that.  I so understand that you want your life back and if you stay off the pills you will get your life back.  I want you to make it, I so feel what you are going through.

                                                                              Mag

[IBKleen]

I am glad to hear you want to stick around--it is a great place for support. But....it should not replace outside support with real people. There is nothing better than pouring your heart out to a group of people who understand you because they have been there, or they are there, and getting hugs after hugs. And nothing can replace being responsible to someone, or a bunch of people, in person. I made coffee for my first year of recovery and strange as it sounds, it was an important job and people counted on me. Some days I struggled with my sobriety but knew I had to go make the coffee and that got me through. I still do it today when I can because it is just as important. So I hope you consider a support program where you can learn the coping skills I talked about earlier.

Hang in there no matter what and don't use.

[sudie58]

i know its really rotten when you look at where you would have been! i had a few relapses,i got so mad at myself but it was me that did it, and obviously didnt set up a good support system to stay off. im nearly 70 days clean , so i pray for the strength i need to beat this, i really wish you all the best!  IBKleen is so right, its best to be open and honest , guilt is a really bad and negative feeling. stay strong ,best wishes,  sudie

[mrsmisfit]

Thanks for the support! Your right, I can handle the Physical part been there and know whats to come. It is the mental after care. This site helped me through the first time.90 days clean and I walked away from the site thinking I was all better. Ha! The cravings are much stronger on this drug and I want to build a support team on here and make friends who understand. I just want everyone to know I need their support this time around as you guys need mine. I want to be more involved this time. I hate walking away and coming back and seeing the days on my tracker of what I could have accomplished and didn't.

[IBKleen]

Hi & Welcome Back,

This is the progression of addiction and this is what so many don't understand. I am sorry you found out the hard way but glad you are ready to get clean.

You know the drill and you know you will sick for 5 or so days. Maybe you could find someone to help you around the house and with the kid/kids during this time.

Then comes the hard part. You need to learn new coping skills so that you don't run to drugs to get you through something. It is not the answer. I suggest that you engage in outside support to gain the tools you need to prevent a future relapse. Also, if you are back with your husband, at some point you should get honest with him. I can't imagine having a relationship and hiding that, for one, and you stated that the guilt brought you back to using again.

You have a lot going on but all of it is doable and we will be here to support you and help you through. Hang in there.