I'm back and I'm going to get clean this time!!!!!

[Mandapanda17]

Hey everyone!! Hope today finds everyone well!! I've missed being here very much, but didn't feel right about using/ continuing to come on here, and not being completely honest with everyone. I'm ready to get clean, be honest, and own up to my addiction once again. I go through this over and over and over again...I'm so done with living this its like a merry go round from hell as many of you know. SO, I've been taking painkillers since November, started with vicodin, went up to Norco, Percocet to Morphine, Oxy..and now the worst Methadone. My pain management doctor thought all of this was a good idea. lol, riiiiiight. SO, the really good news is that I only took Methadone for 5 days, stopped 48 hours ago and tomorrow morning I have an appointment with a Suboxone doctor. Once my Kaiser benefits are active on August first I'm starting the Chemical Dependency program through Kaiser, they also do treatment with Suboxone. I'll probably be in the in-patient program for one week up to a month depending on how they think I'm doing, but I chose to get this started on my own with a suboxone doctor before my benefits kick in. I'm done with this **** & can't go on another day like this!! I have tried many attempts on my own to get clean without the help of Suboxone and have failed at least 5 times. I really, truly, honestly feel this is my only chance to make it through this. I am choosing to do this even though I know how some people on here feel about the use of Sub. I feel for ME it IS the right choice, 100%. I am nervous about starting, because I was on 25mgs of methadone for 5 days. Saturday-Tuesday, my appt. is a 10:30 AM tomorrow. This is the type of doctor that I will go see, and he will send me home with the scrip. for Suboxone, I would prefer that it be the type that actually does the induction with you, but with no medical benefits, it wasn't an option for me. Anyone have any experience with suboxone or any stories to share? I may have to wait until Friday to start it, to be a full 72 hours out from when I last used Methadone. I'm scared nervous and excited all at the same time. I've been ruining my life for 5 years, and every time it gets worse and worse. I've missed you all and this site and really hope everyone else is GREAT and on the right track!!♥

[10356]

I'm Happy for you Manda.. There are many different paths when dealing with our addictions.. but they all lead to the same place.. a desire to be free and to not rely and waste our lives on opiates.. Glad this program is in place for you as you are going through all the steps it takes to reach the other side.. I will look forward to that walk along the water someday :)) warmly lesa

[Mandapanda17]

No ditching out for me this time :) Promise!!! Day 2 of suboxone, I feel pretty darn good, have the sub headache that I'd heard about...other than that, I woke up this morning at 6AM, I felt better, I looked better!! My dark circles under my eyes are SO much better today than they have been for the past 8 months!! Great to hear from you!♥hugs♥

[avisg]

Hey girl just let us know how you are doing no taking off again OK !!!!! you are stuck with us

[Mandapanda17]

thank you both for posting! Well, I went to my appt. this morning and I really liked my doctor. He was a very good doctor, in my opinion, understood what my plan was and was willing to help me until my Kaiser benefits kick in on Aug.1st. Sooo, started the sub. treatment, well 35 minutes ago..lol not long.. not feeling 100% okay yet, but hopefully I will fairly soon. I was REALLY nervous about the precipitated withdrawal that you can get from suboxone, and so far..I think I'm in the clear of that. This is at least my 30th time or so attempting to get clean and STAY clean and I'm positive that with the treatment I'm getting it will be :) I am so glad to be back, I'd missed it her. I'll let y'all know how this progresses for me. ♥mwahs

[j34]

I know nothing about the sub or anything along those lines but I do know that I have a yr clean without anything.
I had to do it through a 12 step program , counsellings and a lot of hard work, soul searching to find out why I was using? cause I could get clean but I was still left with an addict and addict behaviour which I might add still pops out at times but today I have a solution I found another way to live. I had to get to the root of my problem.

I am so happy that you are back and congrats of trying again I like this saying " it is not the part of falling down that counts it is the part OF GETTING BACK UP"   I wish you well

[NautyOne]

First of all........welcome Back !!!, and congrats on coming clean with everything.

I will say this......I have totally changed my opinion about Suboxone since the arrival of Dr. J over on the "ask the doc" forum.  After numerous posts, and not getting it, well, I finally got what he was saying.  Suboxone is NOT for everyone, but it is for some.  The people like yourself that battle countless times, tried almost everything, but just can't get away from the grip of addiction.  Many can go CT and fail a few times, but for some Suboxone may be a life-long treatment for you, or even a long-term method to break the cycle of addiction.  I used to believe it was trading one for another, but, so what......if it keeps you clean and sober.  Many say it should be a short term solution, and that may be the case for some, but I think its safer and a much easier program to follow then methadone as long as you don't abuse "it"....If addiction is considered a disease then what's the difference?....If you had high blood pressure and you need to be on meds for life, then so be it.......Use it for as long as you need to get clean, and yes, In certain cases 'clean" can be defined by the use of long-term---life-term suboxone.

Panda, I commend you and my thoughts are with you.  Don't let anyone tell you that you are not "clean" or whatever because you take sub.  They don't understand because they are not in the same stage of the disease as you may be.

God Bless You, hun..............I wish you all the best.

I hope I made some sense>>>>>>>>>

Luv,
Nauty...........

[Mandapanda17]

Thank you, and nice to see you both too!!♥ Yes, this will be my LAST time quitting. I'm going to make it, I have to! I'll be back tomorrow if I'm feeling well enough, first day of sub. tomorrow!! :) I'm very excited, and very nervous right now, but I know this is ALL for the best!♥

[wanttobeclean]

Hi!  I'm so happy to see you back!  I'm sorry you have to go through this again, but don't dwell on that fact this is your "x"th time quitting.  Just remember...it's your LAST time.  Sounds like you have a good plan and I'm sure you will do it!  One day, hour or minute at a time, right?  We're all here for you whenever you need it.

Hugs,
Amy

[dominosarah]

Nice to see you back Panda!!!  This time will be the one where you will find your way.  Dont be a stranger girl........sara

[Mandapanda17]

momoftwo~thank you for sharing, and I'm so happy for you thats its worked well for you!! I hope it does the same for me :) Congrats!♥

Worried~oh I've missed you!! :) It feels great to be back.. in answer to the first question, I am not entirely sure about the pain control at this point. I AM still in pain quite a few days out of the week, but I'm going to HAVE to attempt to handle it with non-narcotic meds, I have appts for PT & acupuncture lined up already, so I'm REALLY hoping those things will help! My addiction is too much right now, for me to even consider taking meds responsibly. It gets worse & worse for me every time I've relapsed! I'm hoping the Sub for me will be a short term deal, going to talk about options with the doctor tomorrow, but it isn't something I plan on taking longer than 30 days, and I'm hoping the doctor will want to comply with this and taper me accordingly! you are right about the benzos, I've been free of Xanax since December, they switched me to Klonopin (still a benzo lol) but I've tapered down to .25mgs a day, which is a VERY small dose of it. My plan with that is to see the psyciatrist at Kaiser once my medical insurance kicks in on August first, then taper a little more if possible and see how life will be completely med free! It IS possible that I might need to keep the Klonopin on board for a while, since I've proven time and time again that my anxiety/panic attacks aren't under control at ALL w/out it. I'll see how it goes, and starting with ridding myself of the narcotics is the first step~and of course with the counseling too!! So good to hear from you♥

[worried878]

hey girl!  and no..after 5 days u r not addicted to methadone..25 mgs of methadone a day is not huge...and what are u going to use for pain control after all of this???  sub is a plan and that is good....r u gonna do short or long term??long term means sub wd as well if u ever try and stop it...just as methadone will...sub offers bery lil pain control as a rule...so i am taking it that ur goal is to be clean....and find other methods of pain control???  been there and done that..chronic pain and addiction matched up are a major bumber for sure!  i think pain causes fatigue and depression tho..and can make us targets for addiction if we have a bit of sumpin else mixed in..not sure  what but i am glad to c u back girl....did u also have a benzo problem or is my memory failing me???  I do hope u can make it this time if that is what u truly want..and if u truly want it u will do this...and i am so happy to c u post again..i remember u well..(:

[mom_of_two136]

I just thought I would share my positive experience with sub. I too tried many times to stop but just kept going back. I started suboxone last aug and I am now down to 0.5mg. My plan is to wean down to 0.25mg and then stop. I have had very littel trouble with weaning down. I have not been in a hurry, just working my recovery program while I am in school. Just a word of advice, it takes a few days for some people to adjust and find the right dosage. I hope you have a good doctor and your transition goes well. Best wishes

[Mandapanda17]

thank you :) I'm going into the Kaiser chemical dependency program on August 1st, so thats great news, all the counseling and treatment anyone could ask for. I consider myself VERY lucky that this is covered under medical insurance for me! I KNOW I need aftercare, thats why I've failed so many times in the past! Thanks again, I know I can do this! I'll keep updating as I progress ;)

[refusingbondage]

Just make sure you are doing all the foot work.  Sub, like methadone, controls the beast while you use it, but as soon as your off that beast is there waiting to kick your a*s*s.  Obviously, you know this.  I really think that therapy and support are the only real way to be a drug free addict.  Dealing with the "whys" of our addiction.  This is I guess a lot easier to do while on sub, while that beast is being controlled.  Horray for wanting it!  Now work for it!  You CAN do this!

[Mandapanda17]

Thank you, I'm happy to be back. :) Yes thankfully I do know a lot of the ins and outs of sub. thanks to this site! I am so happy I am not choosing methadone as treatment, its not treatment IMO, its just another drug to abuse! the thought of going to a clinic everyday horrified me, and I know choosing sub. treatment is a MUCH better option. I will stay on the right path this time, I want it REALLY bad! ♥

[refusingbondage]

Hey there!  Its good to see you posting and still willing to fight the good fight.  Def made the right move staying off methadone.  I am pretty sure you know the ins and outs of sub, so use it if you need it.  Just stay on the right path -- which is the one to sobriety!  

[Mandapanda17]

Also, please keep in mind, I was NOT addicted to Methadone, I took it for 5 days, which from my understanding is much different than someone who was on it for a longer period of time.  Thank you for any help or comments! :)

[Mandapanda17]

anyone who doesn't know me, I've been taking painkillers much longer back than November, that was just the most recent relapse. I realized that anyone new reading that it wouldn't make sense. lol, why would I use sub. if I'd only been on opiates for 8 months. Typo, 5 years roughly, not 8 months!!