I'm being held hostage by a doctor...

[Ylissana]

About three years ago, I was dating a surgeon who convinced me to start accepting prescriptions that he was writing for hydrocodone 10mg for me that I'd give to him.  He told me it was for neck pain he was having.  At the time, he was co-signed on an apartment I had, and I was having a hard time paying the rent by myself, so I felt obligated to help him out in return.  Whenever we'd get together, he'd always pressure me to take some too, but for almost a year I refused.

I have lupus, so I have some joint pain issues.  During a weak moment while I was having a flare-up, I finally consented to take some.  I took them all week with no idea how addictive they really were.  Whenever I'd visit him, he'd feed me sometimes as much as 2 10mg pills during the few hours we were together.

Anyway, I got addicted.  I have never in my life been addicted to anything other than cigarettes, and even those I've quit doing on and off when I got tired of it.  I don't even like gambling.  But this stuff really grabbed me tight, and I wasn't taking near the amount that he was.  Still, every two weeks he'd write me a new Rx for 75 10mg pills, I'd take 10-15 and give him the rest.

It's been over a year now... I really don't know how long.  We've long since broken up and now we're just "friends", but I don't even want to be that.  Our relationship is pretty sick now, and I keep trying to get off the drugs, but he keeps calling me up and telling me he needs them, and it makes it hard.  I've almost weaned myself three times.

He has me over a bit of a barrel.  I have a son, and I'm afraid that if I tried to cut him off, get detox or anything else, that he'd use his credentials to get my son taken from me.  I've got myself down to a maintenance dose of 1/2 of a 10 mg pill a day, which is enough to stave off the bad pain, but I still live with a borderline state of withdrawal... the pain, stomach problems, sleeplessness, irritability.

He's still doing somewhere between 3-6 10mg pills a day.  This is while he's doing major surgery, often amputations on children.  It's like that stupid show House, but real, and instead of screwing over his fellow doctors, it's a single mother with a chronic illness, no insurance and no money to defend myself if this had to go to trial or he called CPS.  Since all the Rx's are in my name, I'm not sure I can prove that he's the one doing 75% of them.  I've never been to his office or had any sort of medical examination from him that would justify prescribing a class 3 narcotic to a lupus patient, but I don't know if he could manufacture the records for it to cover himself.

Anyway, I'm tired these days and scared.  I don't like being addicted.  I don't like being dependent upon him and afraid of what he could do to me if I cut him off.  When I spoke to an attorney about it, he couldn't assure me of my privacy.  He just said that we could write him a letter and go for a settlement... that doesn't prevent him from lashing out.

I write this without any expectations.  Just hope that maybe someone here has some idea of what I can do.

[allaboutmary]

Your in the right place.  Stick with this forum.  You will always run into some negativity but just move past it. Most people here want to help.  I would think if you went to the police , they could work something out so you are not in too much trouble.  You might not get off scott-free.  Don't take his threats anymore.  Calmly explain, you are finished with him , done , thats it .  Tell him never to call  etc....  He knows he has more at steak right now.  He won't do anything to stir this up.   Keep posting . We will try and help you thru withdrawals

[flmagi]

This is the right forum for you. Don't let others bad atitudes turn you away. Most of us addicts have done something illegal at one time or another. You are welcome on this forum and we're here to help you. we'll be your friends.
Magi

[Ylissana]

Thank you.  And I know that no one here is likely to have any advice.  I guess I was half-way hoping, because once I take a step to the police (which I've thought of) or I give my lawyer the green light, or I tell the good doctor no... that's an irrevocable decision.  I set something in motion that I can't stop.

My emotional state... I don't know that I've even thought about that, really.  Depression, mostly.  I don't know that I will ever trust doctors again.  If you only knew the things I've seen.  Not just with him but with other doctors who work with him -- the things they say about patients, the way they act -- just the thought that someone who is cutting me open could be high and torturing someone on the side for their fix... I think I'd rather take my chances with nature.

I'm angry a lot of the time when I'm not depressed.  I've gone through times when I've considered suicide, but never could go through with it because of what it would do to my son.  I am ashamed as a mother that I've gotten myself into this situation, and that depresses me.  I can't remember what it feels like not to a dark shadow of paranoia over me because of this situation.

Fortunately, I have a very sweet man in my life who knows all about this, and we've talked it over many times.  He understands my position, and we've been working on stabilizing me enough financially and emotionally so that one day I'll be able to commit to taking one of those irrevocable steps.  I just can't explain how unthinkable the idea of losing my kid is, and if this resulted in that, I'm not sure that suicide would be so unpalatable anymore.  He really is my world.

[allaboutmary]

I so feel for you .  This is a horrible situation.  You do what you need to, to keep you and your son safe.  Getting off the pills is a great step.  We will help all we can.   Mary

[LIZZIE LOU]

hello and welcome to the forum...

my exhusband is a physician...i know personally how so many of them are addicted to "something"..."anything".

let me tell you that YOU have got him by the balls...not the other way around.  you could ruin him and he knows that...hence the desperation to keep this relationship going.

he cannot manufacture records if you have never been in his office as a patient.  it takes an arm and a leg to get into see a doctor these days...you have to almost "sign" your life away.  your signature would be on nothing...(hippa as an example).  if you had seen him as a patient...yes...he could ADD on anything he wanted.

stand up to this man sweetie.  YOU DO HAVE THE UPPER HAND!  

[flmagi]

I'm happy to hear you have some one else in your life that is aware of whats going on. I would suggest you start documenting everything the "dear Doctor" does and has done. Dates and times, phone calls & what was said. etc. The more documentation the better. Make copies of the scripts. Should you ever end up going to the police or whatever, this will show to your benitfit.  You do actually have him over a barrel. He can loose everything and go to jail. If you get off the stuff and can pass a drug test, not likely they would take your child from you.  I would really reccomend refusing to fill his scripts for him. He won't do anything to you, because he'd have to turn himself in to do it. Any way you look at it, he would end up being involved with it. He won't take that chance. He'll go elsewhere to get his scripts filled. But always keep the documentation, so you have it,  should he get busted. If it still makes you nervous, perhaps a close friend could go to the police with a hypothetical situation (no names etc.) and see what they are willing to work out.
Getting clean and separating yourself totally from the doctor is the best thing you can do at this time. Cover your As s.
Now how can we help you with getting clean?  We're pretty knowlegable in that area. LOL
Keep posting and let us know how your doing.
Magi