Aa
I'm desperate for advice from those in recovery
Hi, I'm Michelle, 41 years old and pregnant with a addicts baby. It's a very long, complicated story but bottom line is someone took advantage of my mind, body, soul, bank account, and trust. I know deep down inside he has a good heart, however, he is ruled by the abuse he's suffered from childhood and life in general. It breaks my heart.. He was someone I would never date or have a relationship because I knew our lives would never mesh. I was staying with him while I recovered from neck fusion and he took advantage of the situation while I was medicated.. So, I can't tell you what a surprise it was to find out I was pregnant when to my knowledge I had not been intimate with anyone in over a year. Seems he didn't realize I wasnt aware of what was going on.. hmmmmmmmmmmmm Anyway.. so here I am pregnant.. and what was I to do? I figured the only chance he had was for me to step in and kick him in his *** and try to get him on the road to recovery.
His background : started drinking in high school, acted out horribly due to physical and emotional abuse of his father. At age 21 he found cocaine. He had a love affair with that drug until May 31, 2008. He is now 37 and spent all those years using and abusing. He and his ex wife.. well there whole relationship was based on getting high and drinking.. they had no real relationship.. I do remember him telling me that he never wanted that again.. that kind of gig where only drugs are the common bond. He hasnt had a valid drivers license for 18 years, was in jail for a minor offense, arrested 30 times. He is a pathological liar. Lied to me about the drugs, and so many other things. But one thing has always rang true with him, his desire to have a stable, normal family. Since he found out I was pregnant he stopped everything.. was seeing a therapist, goes to AA meetings 3-4 times a week. He just go his drivers license back today, stopped smoking, and will go to parenting classes.. HOWEVER I know addicts will say anything to get what they want, and he wants me.
My question is: Can people change? Is it insane for me to try to help him. I put up with zero BS. He broke ties with old friends, turned in he dealers... he is kept on a very short lease, my hope is he will learn to love his new life that the consequences of losing it will help keep him sober. I just don't know if someone with that long history is change possible... he is like a child, doesnt know how to have a relationship at all. I was married for 20 years.. I have normal, well balanced kids.. blows my mind he and his ex wife did drugs and drank during her pregnancy... I know I can go to alanon meetings but I'm stuck in bed till the baby come due to being so high risk.. Thank you for taking time to read this and give me your input..
Peace, Love and Happiness..
Michelle
His background : started drinking in high school, acted out horribly due to physical and emotional abuse of his father. At age 21 he found cocaine. He had a love affair with that drug until May 31, 2008. He is now 37 and spent all those years using and abusing. He and his ex wife.. well there whole relationship was based on getting high and drinking.. they had no real relationship.. I do remember him telling me that he never wanted that again.. that kind of gig where only drugs are the common bond. He hasnt had a valid drivers license for 18 years, was in jail for a minor offense, arrested 30 times. He is a pathological liar. Lied to me about the drugs, and so many other things. But one thing has always rang true with him, his desire to have a stable, normal family. Since he found out I was pregnant he stopped everything.. was seeing a therapist, goes to AA meetings 3-4 times a week. He just go his drivers license back today, stopped smoking, and will go to parenting classes.. HOWEVER I know addicts will say anything to get what they want, and he wants me.
My question is: Can people change? Is it insane for me to try to help him. I put up with zero BS. He broke ties with old friends, turned in he dealers... he is kept on a very short lease, my hope is he will learn to love his new life that the consequences of losing it will help keep him sober. I just don't know if someone with that long history is change possible... he is like a child, doesnt know how to have a relationship at all. I was married for 20 years.. I have normal, well balanced kids.. blows my mind he and his ex wife did drugs and drank during her pregnancy... I know I can go to alanon meetings but I'm stuck in bed till the baby come due to being so high risk.. Thank you for taking time to read this and give me your input..
Peace, Love and Happiness..
Michelle
You guys are making me cry!! lol I'm so hormonal.. very errie how on the money you are "theeagle". You are right, I would so kick his *** and I have. I worked with several police departments turning in all dealers... made him get rid of his friends.. which werent friends.. I asked Rob.. when it became his job to supply everyone in central NJ with drugs? LOL.. he wasnt a dealer.. but he is SOOOOOOOO needy he wants everyone to like him.. I said Ohhh I see.. yea.. they are all willing to LET YOU GO TO JAIL.. so they can get high.. I'm sure they will be there to bail you out, right? That is how I spend my life these days.. breaking down what he says or thinks into the most simplistic form. He thinks I'm so so smart.. I laugh.. I'm just not high.
So for a real relationship, I don't know. He has no social skills.. it's like the movie pretty women.. that is what I feel like I'm dealing with. He grew up in a upper middle class family, went to private school, but due to the horrific abuse at the hands of his father he found acceptance in the drug community.. and he digressed to fit in. All this guy wants is love. When he was married, he tried to get sober for a while but his ex wife still partied.. and he would go and get for her because that was the only time they had sex... I cannot fathom being that desperate for love and attention. I know everything he's done to me wasnt premeditated. I'm trying SO hard to not judge him on what he did when he was high... but I would be a liar to tell you I don't have my moments of rage. I've never delt with anyone like this.. he is like obsessed in love. I am the ONLY woman he's ever known and had a relationship that wasnt a drug addict. I am terrified of that person on drugs. And I swear to God I would kill him myself if he EVER was f'd up around me or any of the children.. mine, his or ours.
With me he has seen a life he's dreamed of having but never knew how. I am a good mom.. I grew up in insanity and abuse and made the decision very early on to NEVER let my children know that pain. They are simply amazing people and it's an honor to be a part of their lives. I am in awe of the people they are.. how unselfish and kind they are. I don't fight.. kids have never been spanked.. I don't scream at them or disrespect them.. that was a big hurdle for him.. I said my children have the right to question authority figures.. adults f up all the time, that why we have jails, cops and lawyers. So don't take there word as God. I showed him how to be a father to his son. How to be humble and ask for forgiveness. I must be honest, as horrible as this sounds and I am ashamed.. a big reason of me not being with him is because of his ex wife.. she still does drugs .. in the house.. kids there. His sons only chance is with Rob. If she keeps doing what shes doing I know his son will follow the path.. All he saw for 7 years was parents f'd up.. and she did it while pregnant so this poor child is so at risk.. his body was formed with drugs in it. So I think .. do I want this boy around my children.. Ok, I'm not worried about my kids.. they are older and very well grounded.. but this new baby.. kids look up to older brothers and sisters.. so I'm worried about his future influence on the baby when he gets older. I'm afraid of the ex wife.. and the company she keeps. She despises me.. after all I know all her dirty laundry. He is totally different with me than he was with her.. they were horrible to eachother. I don't fight.. I don't scream... I don't say mean, abusive things.. the things I say are true... I don't throw things, I'm not a sneak.. I try to teach him with love, and use myself at every opportunity to show him a different way. I call him on his **** at a moments notice. I caught him on the phone with his idiot drug friend when he first stopped using... see, he can't fight with me, its almost comical.. so anyway.. when he can't beat me with words, he gets loud.. VERY LOUD.. (i'm 5'1 he is 6'5) and we were driving and I was crying.. so I pulled over.. got out of the car.. in the parking lot of a deli I cried.. everyone was looking.. I said, very loudly " Oh Ok.. you are a REAL MAN you can make a pregnant girl cry" He was floored.. but I made my point and he's never raised his voice to me again. I'm letting him come to see me this weekend. And there will be alot of talking.
I know nobody can say he will be ok.. I'm just looking for other people who have lived that lifestyle and changed. DJT in NC.. you stopped for your wife.. the love you have for her.. my question is does that work long term? Or was it a foot in the door.. that is kinda what I'm thinking with him.. that I am his foot in the door and at some point he will want to be sober for himself, not me. that is very scary for me.. that responsibility.
I know he will relapse.. everyone usually does, and I'm not talking about just drugs and alcohol. It can be a simple as a diet, or anything we wish to change about ourselves. That is what outrages me... "sober" or non addicts passing judgment.. I know God did not put me on this planet to judge others.. and its sooooooooooooooo easy to do.. because when we do that we don't have to look at ourselves. I was friendly with a woman from work a few years ago, long before this happend... and she was talking about her "scumbag" brother in law.. how he got drunk after being clean for 2 years.. blah blah blah.. how he's never going to change, and she went on and on... I listened.. then I said.. Oh.. Ok.. yea.. what a loser.. you would think people would learn from there mistakes.. kinda like you.. you declared bankruptcy and now ran up another 45k on your credit cards.. People never learn huh? She was speechless... So yes, I know it's going to be very hard.. this drug was the love of his life for 17 years.. and he gave her up cold turkey.. I told him he only has room in his life for one love.. if he picks drugs then he's cheating on me..
Thank you all again for your kindness and taking the time to help others. That is such a gift in itself...
Peace, Love & Happiness...
Michelle
He has been clean since 5/31/08..
So for a real relationship, I don't know. He has no social skills.. it's like the movie pretty women.. that is what I feel like I'm dealing with. He grew up in a upper middle class family, went to private school, but due to the horrific abuse at the hands of his father he found acceptance in the drug community.. and he digressed to fit in. All this guy wants is love. When he was married, he tried to get sober for a while but his ex wife still partied.. and he would go and get for her because that was the only time they had sex... I cannot fathom being that desperate for love and attention. I know everything he's done to me wasnt premeditated. I'm trying SO hard to not judge him on what he did when he was high... but I would be a liar to tell you I don't have my moments of rage. I've never delt with anyone like this.. he is like obsessed in love. I am the ONLY woman he's ever known and had a relationship that wasnt a drug addict. I am terrified of that person on drugs. And I swear to God I would kill him myself if he EVER was f'd up around me or any of the children.. mine, his or ours.
With me he has seen a life he's dreamed of having but never knew how. I am a good mom.. I grew up in insanity and abuse and made the decision very early on to NEVER let my children know that pain. They are simply amazing people and it's an honor to be a part of their lives. I am in awe of the people they are.. how unselfish and kind they are. I don't fight.. kids have never been spanked.. I don't scream at them or disrespect them.. that was a big hurdle for him.. I said my children have the right to question authority figures.. adults f up all the time, that why we have jails, cops and lawyers. So don't take there word as God. I showed him how to be a father to his son. How to be humble and ask for forgiveness. I must be honest, as horrible as this sounds and I am ashamed.. a big reason of me not being with him is because of his ex wife.. she still does drugs .. in the house.. kids there. His sons only chance is with Rob. If she keeps doing what shes doing I know his son will follow the path.. All he saw for 7 years was parents f'd up.. and she did it while pregnant so this poor child is so at risk.. his body was formed with drugs in it. So I think .. do I want this boy around my children.. Ok, I'm not worried about my kids.. they are older and very well grounded.. but this new baby.. kids look up to older brothers and sisters.. so I'm worried about his future influence on the baby when he gets older. I'm afraid of the ex wife.. and the company she keeps. She despises me.. after all I know all her dirty laundry. He is totally different with me than he was with her.. they were horrible to eachother. I don't fight.. I don't scream... I don't say mean, abusive things.. the things I say are true... I don't throw things, I'm not a sneak.. I try to teach him with love, and use myself at every opportunity to show him a different way. I call him on his **** at a moments notice. I caught him on the phone with his idiot drug friend when he first stopped using... see, he can't fight with me, its almost comical.. so anyway.. when he can't beat me with words, he gets loud.. VERY LOUD.. (i'm 5'1 he is 6'5) and we were driving and I was crying.. so I pulled over.. got out of the car.. in the parking lot of a deli I cried.. everyone was looking.. I said, very loudly " Oh Ok.. you are a REAL MAN you can make a pregnant girl cry" He was floored.. but I made my point and he's never raised his voice to me again. I'm letting him come to see me this weekend. And there will be alot of talking.
I know nobody can say he will be ok.. I'm just looking for other people who have lived that lifestyle and changed. DJT in NC.. you stopped for your wife.. the love you have for her.. my question is does that work long term? Or was it a foot in the door.. that is kinda what I'm thinking with him.. that I am his foot in the door and at some point he will want to be sober for himself, not me. that is very scary for me.. that responsibility.
I know he will relapse.. everyone usually does, and I'm not talking about just drugs and alcohol. It can be a simple as a diet, or anything we wish to change about ourselves. That is what outrages me... "sober" or non addicts passing judgment.. I know God did not put me on this planet to judge others.. and its sooooooooooooooo easy to do.. because when we do that we don't have to look at ourselves. I was friendly with a woman from work a few years ago, long before this happend... and she was talking about her "scumbag" brother in law.. how he got drunk after being clean for 2 years.. blah blah blah.. how he's never going to change, and she went on and on... I listened.. then I said.. Oh.. Ok.. yea.. what a loser.. you would think people would learn from there mistakes.. kinda like you.. you declared bankruptcy and now ran up another 45k on your credit cards.. People never learn huh? She was speechless... So yes, I know it's going to be very hard.. this drug was the love of his life for 17 years.. and he gave her up cold turkey.. I told him he only has room in his life for one love.. if he picks drugs then he's cheating on me..
Thank you all again for your kindness and taking the time to help others. That is such a gift in itself...
Peace, Love & Happiness...
Michelle
He has been clean since 5/31/08..
Change is possible for anybody Iam living and breathing proof that it can be done. I am a recovering crack addict booze hound and back alley bottom of the pond RECOVERING addict. I live one day at a time the people in my life are amazing I go to AA, NA, CA I am working the Steps to these programs well actually the NA steps and I tell you my life has completly channged the root of our disease is self centerdness it comes in a thousand forms of fear , fear of tommorow , fear of the yesterdays and fear of living life on lives terms!. Through the programs I am regaining my values that I have lost and learning to live life on lifes terms! One day at a time just a 24 hr period that is the only thing I could understand or do when I cleaned up, now still living one day at a time I am having hopes and dreams in my life again when at one time I thought all was lost and I was hopeless, unlovable and did'nt want to live. Your partner has a honest chance to become somebody he has always dreamed of being . I strongly suggest him hitting a meeting and stay with AL ANON for yourself , set boundries and stick with them!!!!. I wish you well and God BlessYou and your unborn baby. j
You ask" What did he have to say when you got pregnant? Was he sorry for taking advantage of you?? Have you forgiven him for that?
You ask: But what he did?? Is that someone you want to spend your life with and be the father of your child? I am sure he wasn't himself when he did it. But that is pretty extreme. Maybe if he did get help he would change
A big reason, beside my being pregnant was I video taped him all strung out.. he sobbed.. was so ashamed.. and shocked of what he looked like.. Again as for how I got pregnant, he really didn't realize I was not aware of what was going on.. he was high, thought it was ok and went for it.
Has he ever been violent with you, like hit you or anything like that?
Never.. he is very scary and has a horrible temper but thats changed a million percent since he stopped drinking and drugging. He yelled at me once.. I blew him out of the water by my reaction. (see above posting) I don't care how scared I am.. I have a mouth and I use it. When I found out I was pregnant.. I had a very long talk with his family and made them totally aware of his history.. If he uses again, it's not just me he has to deal with anymore.. I've touched very area of his life..
And again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.. thank you all for your advice and for just caring.. I'm sure it's not easy to relive parts of your lives that were so painfilled.. thank you for giving of yourselves...
You ask: But what he did?? Is that someone you want to spend your life with and be the father of your child? I am sure he wasn't himself when he did it. But that is pretty extreme. Maybe if he did get help he would change
A big reason, beside my being pregnant was I video taped him all strung out.. he sobbed.. was so ashamed.. and shocked of what he looked like.. Again as for how I got pregnant, he really didn't realize I was not aware of what was going on.. he was high, thought it was ok and went for it.
Has he ever been violent with you, like hit you or anything like that?
Never.. he is very scary and has a horrible temper but thats changed a million percent since he stopped drinking and drugging. He yelled at me once.. I blew him out of the water by my reaction. (see above posting) I don't care how scared I am.. I have a mouth and I use it. When I found out I was pregnant.. I had a very long talk with his family and made them totally aware of his history.. If he uses again, it's not just me he has to deal with anymore.. I've touched very area of his life..
And again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.. thank you all for your advice and for just caring.. I'm sure it's not easy to relive parts of your lives that were so painfilled.. thank you for giving of yourselves...
Thank you so much for your comment. Yes, he is going to meetings.. usually 3-4 a week.. I just arranged for him to get medical insurance so he will be seeing a psych. as well. I can't go to meetings right now.. my pregnancy is very very high risk and I'm in bed 90% of the time.
Congratulations on your sobriety!! It's so hard to start over.. seems like it's a re-birth. May I ask how long did you use for? I guess I'm most concerned because all of his adult life he used.. sometimes daily. Mind blowing for me to think of what must be going on in his head trying to have a life that doesnt revolve around drugs. I think I mentioned I moved out early Sept. and he is 2 hours from me. I am going to allow him to come see me this weekend.. my kids will be with there dad so we will have alot of time to talk..
Again, thank you for reaching out to me...
Congratulations on your sobriety!! It's so hard to start over.. seems like it's a re-birth. May I ask how long did you use for? I guess I'm most concerned because all of his adult life he used.. sometimes daily. Mind blowing for me to think of what must be going on in his head trying to have a life that doesnt revolve around drugs. I think I mentioned I moved out early Sept. and he is 2 hours from me. I am going to allow him to come see me this weekend.. my kids will be with there dad so we will have alot of time to talk..
Again, thank you for reaching out to me...
I think you may get two babies out of this. Yes, people do change, but YOU cannot change anyone!!! You said "you have him on a short leash" you are setting yourself up for a life of "babysitting" him~ why would you want that kinda life? It doesnt seem like you even like him very much anyway. You said he has no social skills and had a horrible marriage ~ has he gotten counceling from the horrible marriage? if not he is going to repeat what he just did~ you may not do drugs with him, but have you considered HE is YOUR drug? its called codependancy! I think perhaps you have it and he is your "drug". You said you dont fight, well thats all about to change. Cuz if you marry him with your attitude that you think your better than him and that he has pretty much no redeeming social value, your in for way more than an occasional fight. Having a husband with a horrible childhood and addictions out the wazoo, being codependant as well as an addictive personality, (ive done em all) I can tell you unless you BOTH get counseling, recovery and HONEST your in for a long ride in HELL!! ~ best of luck to you ~ peace
No, I have no intention of being his life long teacher or keeper. I am doing this because, I can... And you are correct, I have no interest in being a babysitter.. however, nobody ever gave him a chance.. I see how much he has grown in 6 months given correct tools, kindness and encouragement.
He will not repeat his past relationships with me.. for 2 very important reasons.. 1. I am not a drug addict and I don't live an insane lifestyle like they did.. 2. I would never ever stick around and put up with it.. not for a moment. I left his house for good early Sept. and have only allowed him to visit me 2 times. I'm making him do the work without the reward of me right there. It's much easier to conform and do the right thing when someone is right there by your side.. he must work much harder with me being away.
Umm with all do respect, he is not my drug. I don't NEED him for anything.. not for money, love, support.. nada.. I do not get any kind of rush, or mood alternating gratification from him. I've taken purpose filled steps to not be dependent on him. for anything..
And no, I don't fight, and no that's not about to change.. I don't need to engage in that kind of behavior with anyone for any reason.. I am 41.. and walk to the beat of my own drummer.. I have to power to walk away :-) I don't recall ever once saying I was better than him, or that he has not social redeeming value... I believe I was pretty clear on not being judgmental on any level... for I was not put here to judge others? I for sure don't think I'm just so special and do no wrong.. that would be foolish. I am better than no one. I just chose to take a different path than he. For that I am forever grateful. I grew up in a horrific abusive household. I was molested by my father, and my mothers boy friend. My mother is a alcoholic who was married 6 times. I was physically abused by her.. and mentally. If there was ever anyone who could have taken a different path, it would be me. I don't regret a moment of my past because it formed the woman I am today.. and I like me.. took a long time to get to that place but I know that by far my best asset is my heart and my ability to love. Socially we are different. It is very difficult to attend a black tie event and have my date talk about the f'ing steak. To be walking in the mall and have him make a racist remark. To have him show up all messed up when I am at a after work function.. THAT is what I was talking about. It's basic common sense... and manners.. all which can be learned. My kids know not to do those things. lol.. I have been in therapy for years. I'm a great advocate of it.. it's priceless to have a neutral pair of ears...
Thank you again for your concern...
Michelle
He will not repeat his past relationships with me.. for 2 very important reasons.. 1. I am not a drug addict and I don't live an insane lifestyle like they did.. 2. I would never ever stick around and put up with it.. not for a moment. I left his house for good early Sept. and have only allowed him to visit me 2 times. I'm making him do the work without the reward of me right there. It's much easier to conform and do the right thing when someone is right there by your side.. he must work much harder with me being away.
Umm with all do respect, he is not my drug. I don't NEED him for anything.. not for money, love, support.. nada.. I do not get any kind of rush, or mood alternating gratification from him. I've taken purpose filled steps to not be dependent on him. for anything..
And no, I don't fight, and no that's not about to change.. I don't need to engage in that kind of behavior with anyone for any reason.. I am 41.. and walk to the beat of my own drummer.. I have to power to walk away :-) I don't recall ever once saying I was better than him, or that he has not social redeeming value... I believe I was pretty clear on not being judgmental on any level... for I was not put here to judge others? I for sure don't think I'm just so special and do no wrong.. that would be foolish. I am better than no one. I just chose to take a different path than he. For that I am forever grateful. I grew up in a horrific abusive household. I was molested by my father, and my mothers boy friend. My mother is a alcoholic who was married 6 times. I was physically abused by her.. and mentally. If there was ever anyone who could have taken a different path, it would be me. I don't regret a moment of my past because it formed the woman I am today.. and I like me.. took a long time to get to that place but I know that by far my best asset is my heart and my ability to love. Socially we are different. It is very difficult to attend a black tie event and have my date talk about the f'ing steak. To be walking in the mall and have him make a racist remark. To have him show up all messed up when I am at a after work function.. THAT is what I was talking about. It's basic common sense... and manners.. all which can be learned. My kids know not to do those things. lol.. I have been in therapy for years. I'm a great advocate of it.. it's priceless to have a neutral pair of ears...
Thank you again for your concern...
Michelle
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