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drug addiction & mental health
My son is 43 years old and did not become an addict until approx 10 years ago. I was able to get him into treatment 4 years ago, but he only stayed for 2 weeks. He was then shooting cocaine and using GHB, in addition to being hooked on klonopin.
Within a couple of months of getting out, he was back on the drugs again. Heaven only knows what he's using now, but I suspect he may even be using heroin. Whatever, he is a serious needle user. The problem is that he makes very good money and he continues to work almost every day, in spite of his employer knowing that he is using drugs. I had hoped his employer would help me to do an intervention, but he does not want to be involved. My son makes too much money for his shop, and he just doesn't seem to care. His job is the only thing that matters to him, so his employer is the only one who holds any possibility of getting my son into treatment.
My problem is this: my son's hands are terribly swollen from the needle use. His hands have multiple bruises on them, in addition to scabs, etc. He wears latex gloves at work to hide them. I have read that he could lose his fingertips or even his hands from this. If that ever happens, he will lose his livelihood. He is a hairdresser, and yes, he is gay.
He hates himself and has never been able to accept his homosexuality. He joined a gay ministry for a year when he was in his early 20s, but it probably made matters even worse. He was abused by his father when he was only 5 years old, and his father spent 18 years in prison because he killed his 2nd wife. My son is a brilliant person who is multi-talented, and it just kills me to see him throw everything away. He has not spoken to his father since the murder (approx 19 years). He has also shut me out of his life. He will not accept my calls nor return them. Probably because I am always begging him to get help and he doesn't want to hear it.
My son is a kind, gentle and caring person who hates himself. I have contemplated doing an intervention, but after reading these posts, it doesn't sound like that is feasible. I know he will die before he hits a rock bottom. I believe he has some serious mental issues. His apartment is worst than anyone could possibly imagine -- much worse than a hoarder. He hasn't taken out the trash in 1-1/2 years, and the smell is horrendous. He would be better living in the street than the way he is living.
I have contemplated having a call placed to his apartment complex letting them know that they should check out his apartment, in the hopes that it would be a wake up call for him. However, I fear what the policy would do in such a situation. He might get locked up and would not get the detox he needs. He lives in a city, and I don't have a lot of faith that the police would do the right things for him. I don't think he could handle jail time, but then again maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing under the circumstances. Jail or death?
Does anyone have any thoughts on what I might be able to do to help him before it's too late?
Many thanks!
Within a couple of months of getting out, he was back on the drugs again. Heaven only knows what he's using now, but I suspect he may even be using heroin. Whatever, he is a serious needle user. The problem is that he makes very good money and he continues to work almost every day, in spite of his employer knowing that he is using drugs. I had hoped his employer would help me to do an intervention, but he does not want to be involved. My son makes too much money for his shop, and he just doesn't seem to care. His job is the only thing that matters to him, so his employer is the only one who holds any possibility of getting my son into treatment.
My problem is this: my son's hands are terribly swollen from the needle use. His hands have multiple bruises on them, in addition to scabs, etc. He wears latex gloves at work to hide them. I have read that he could lose his fingertips or even his hands from this. If that ever happens, he will lose his livelihood. He is a hairdresser, and yes, he is gay.
He hates himself and has never been able to accept his homosexuality. He joined a gay ministry for a year when he was in his early 20s, but it probably made matters even worse. He was abused by his father when he was only 5 years old, and his father spent 18 years in prison because he killed his 2nd wife. My son is a brilliant person who is multi-talented, and it just kills me to see him throw everything away. He has not spoken to his father since the murder (approx 19 years). He has also shut me out of his life. He will not accept my calls nor return them. Probably because I am always begging him to get help and he doesn't want to hear it.
My son is a kind, gentle and caring person who hates himself. I have contemplated doing an intervention, but after reading these posts, it doesn't sound like that is feasible. I know he will die before he hits a rock bottom. I believe he has some serious mental issues. His apartment is worst than anyone could possibly imagine -- much worse than a hoarder. He hasn't taken out the trash in 1-1/2 years, and the smell is horrendous. He would be better living in the street than the way he is living.
I have contemplated having a call placed to his apartment complex letting them know that they should check out his apartment, in the hopes that it would be a wake up call for him. However, I fear what the policy would do in such a situation. He might get locked up and would not get the detox he needs. He lives in a city, and I don't have a lot of faith that the police would do the right things for him. I don't think he could handle jail time, but then again maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing under the circumstances. Jail or death?
Does anyone have any thoughts on what I might be able to do to help him before it's too late?
Many thanks!
Thanks Deb179 for your kind and informative words. People like you don't have to take the time to write, but it means so much to someone like myself who is going through so much.
I actually contacted his employer this morning and told him that I HAVE to meet with he and his wife ASAP, that there are things about my son that he does not know. I'm going to lay it ALL on the line with him (the living conditions is one thing his employer does not know about). I'm hoping that once he has a full understanding of everything that is going on, he might be willing to help me. I'm going to beg him to please think about my son as a human being with a disease, rather than just an employee. If this does not work, I will then contact Adult Protective Services. In fact, I think I'm going to contact them anyway on Monday, just to get some much needed information from them in case I need to take that route (which I may very well have to do).
His employer said he would speak with his wife and call me back about a time and place where we can meet. This is a start. In the past, he has only communicated with me via another employee.
I'm so sorry to hear about your own issues. I know how heart-wrenching it is, and I know about all the sleepless nights, etc. I went through a spell where my hair was falling out and it worried me so much I went to a dermatologist on two occasions. It has since stopped, and I feel it was stress related.
I will pray for you and your son. I can only imagine how hard it is to let him alone to handle his problems, but I too have been told that that is what we must do. As a parent, we just want to fix it for them, no matter how old they are. They are always our children. I actually know quite a few people who are recovering addicts, and many of them have 20-some years clean and are doing exceptionally well, so there is hope! Keep your head high and your faith, and I believe things will work out.
Thanks again for taking the time to write!
I actually contacted his employer this morning and told him that I HAVE to meet with he and his wife ASAP, that there are things about my son that he does not know. I'm going to lay it ALL on the line with him (the living conditions is one thing his employer does not know about). I'm hoping that once he has a full understanding of everything that is going on, he might be willing to help me. I'm going to beg him to please think about my son as a human being with a disease, rather than just an employee. If this does not work, I will then contact Adult Protective Services. In fact, I think I'm going to contact them anyway on Monday, just to get some much needed information from them in case I need to take that route (which I may very well have to do).
His employer said he would speak with his wife and call me back about a time and place where we can meet. This is a start. In the past, he has only communicated with me via another employee.
I'm so sorry to hear about your own issues. I know how heart-wrenching it is, and I know about all the sleepless nights, etc. I went through a spell where my hair was falling out and it worried me so much I went to a dermatologist on two occasions. It has since stopped, and I feel it was stress related.
I will pray for you and your son. I can only imagine how hard it is to let him alone to handle his problems, but I too have been told that that is what we must do. As a parent, we just want to fix it for them, no matter how old they are. They are always our children. I actually know quite a few people who are recovering addicts, and many of them have 20-some years clean and are doing exceptionally well, so there is hope! Keep your head high and your faith, and I believe things will work out.
Thanks again for taking the time to write!
My Heart Goes Out To You !!!
Don't wait for others to intervene....this is your son, while they may help, they won't help as fast as you need them to. It is also clear your son's boss , will probably not be alot of help, your son is making to much money for him. It is such a shame how some people will use others, just for their own benefit.
My sister has worked in social services 20 + years, I also have a son with a heavy heroin addiction. Like you, we tried everything to get him help, rehab out of range for self pay. Just continued to hit brick walls. I talked with my sister about him trying to figure out if there was anyway I could turn him in some where, I knew he was a danger to himself, but because of him not showing any signs of mental health issues at the time, there wasn't much we could do. From your discription of your son and his living arrangements, as jaybay said adult protective services would be the best way to go right now. That should at least getting the ball rolling. If they do nothing the first time, call him in again, and again, until you get someones attention. I know it will be a very hard thing for you to do to your son.....but REMEMBER... you are not doing it to him, you are doing it for him.
My son, did end up getting himself arrested, is still in jail. I have to say,,,The ONLY reason his is still there.....,is because of the wonderful people on this forum, that convinced me to leave him where he is. Someone here told me it was now time for tough love, while it was heartbreaking...I listened, and am so glad I did.
He is now being forced to get the help he so desperately needs. While I am prepared for this to possibly be only a temporary fix. I can finally sleep at night, for the time being.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU & YOUR SON !!!
Don't wait for others to intervene....this is your son, while they may help, they won't help as fast as you need them to. It is also clear your son's boss , will probably not be alot of help, your son is making to much money for him. It is such a shame how some people will use others, just for their own benefit.
My sister has worked in social services 20 + years, I also have a son with a heavy heroin addiction. Like you, we tried everything to get him help, rehab out of range for self pay. Just continued to hit brick walls. I talked with my sister about him trying to figure out if there was anyway I could turn him in some where, I knew he was a danger to himself, but because of him not showing any signs of mental health issues at the time, there wasn't much we could do. From your discription of your son and his living arrangements, as jaybay said adult protective services would be the best way to go right now. That should at least getting the ball rolling. If they do nothing the first time, call him in again, and again, until you get someones attention. I know it will be a very hard thing for you to do to your son.....but REMEMBER... you are not doing it to him, you are doing it for him.
My son, did end up getting himself arrested, is still in jail. I have to say,,,The ONLY reason his is still there.....,is because of the wonderful people on this forum, that convinced me to leave him where he is. Someone here told me it was now time for tough love, while it was heartbreaking...I listened, and am so glad I did.
He is now being forced to get the help he so desperately needs. While I am prepared for this to possibly be only a temporary fix. I can finally sleep at night, for the time being.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU & YOUR SON !!!
Thank you both for your helpful comments and your concern. I have spoken with many interventionists, and even that is a difficult task. First of all, they charge a LOT of money, and I am retired and on a limited income. My worry is that if I use up the money I have now, I will not have it later if this time doesn't work. In addition, I have no family to partake in an intervention. My son has a twin sister who lives out of state, and he hasn't even spoken with her in 3 years. I don't know where we could do an intervention if I were to proceed with one. I wouldn't want anyone going into his apartment, and there is nowhere else to plan one. I don't know of any friends he has other than possible drug pals.
I think I have decided to try his employer one more time. They have been using a co-worker to communicate with me, and I have not spoken with them directly. I'm going to call them (a husband and wife team) this weekend and beg them to see me. I'm going to lay it all on the line with them and hope and pray that maybe they will come through. If that doesn't work, I think I'm going to have to contact Adult Protective Services and see what they say. I can hardly function with worry, and I know I have to do something. I just need to take this one day at a time.
Once again, thank you both for taking your time to reply. It means a lot to me.
I think I have decided to try his employer one more time. They have been using a co-worker to communicate with me, and I have not spoken with them directly. I'm going to call them (a husband and wife team) this weekend and beg them to see me. I'm going to lay it all on the line with them and hope and pray that maybe they will come through. If that doesn't work, I think I'm going to have to contact Adult Protective Services and see what they say. I can hardly function with worry, and I know I have to do something. I just need to take this one day at a time.
Once again, thank you both for taking your time to reply. It means a lot to me.
Have you tried talking to a professional rehab outfit and looked into hiring an interventionist? This isn't something you should take on by yourself Emotions go all over the place and it can be dangerous.
Calling the police probably won't do any good. On what charge could they detain him? They can't arrest someone just because he's an addict. If they catch him actually using or dealing that's a different story, but even then he probably wouldn't be sent to rehab to get the help he needs.
You might speak to a lawyer to see what is involved in your state to get conservatorship over your son. That's going to probably be more difficult and more emotional than going the interventionist route, because you have to prove your son is incapable of making rational decisions to be appointed as a legal conservator/ guardian. He's sick, but rational enough to convince a judge otherwise when push comes to shove. It boils down to suing your son and your word against his that he's an out-of-control addict. You need serious legal advice on that score.
As for his apartment, you can try reporting it to Adult Protective Services or his city or county health department - or both. If his apartment is packed with junk and as filthy as you describe, it is a provable hazard not only for your son but for everyone else in his building.
I feel for you and your son both. What an unimaginable amount of trauma to deal with - and it's ongoing. I wish there was more I could do than pray, but I can at least do that much. :-(
Calling the police probably won't do any good. On what charge could they detain him? They can't arrest someone just because he's an addict. If they catch him actually using or dealing that's a different story, but even then he probably wouldn't be sent to rehab to get the help he needs.
You might speak to a lawyer to see what is involved in your state to get conservatorship over your son. That's going to probably be more difficult and more emotional than going the interventionist route, because you have to prove your son is incapable of making rational decisions to be appointed as a legal conservator/ guardian. He's sick, but rational enough to convince a judge otherwise when push comes to shove. It boils down to suing your son and your word against his that he's an out-of-control addict. You need serious legal advice on that score.
As for his apartment, you can try reporting it to Adult Protective Services or his city or county health department - or both. If his apartment is packed with junk and as filthy as you describe, it is a provable hazard not only for your son but for everyone else in his building.
I feel for you and your son both. What an unimaginable amount of trauma to deal with - and it's ongoing. I wish there was more I could do than pray, but I can at least do that much. :-(
I am so sorry this just breaks my heart. It sounds to me that the root of his whole problem is he can't except his sexuality. So by doing these drugs it numbs him and he is just hanging on to life. I will tell you that from experience with a family member who was on meth, that if he goes to jail they do help with him coming off drugs. If they know he is on something and how bad he is on them then they will get him the proper care. He needs help and I say the best thing for you and your last option is to call the cops honey, if not he won't be around long. I know that will be hard for you but you have nothing to lose by doing that. I will be praying for you and him and please keep us posted. My heart and prayers go out to you guys!
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