It shouldn't be this hard..should it?

[dreamin]

I read all of these post everyday, every moment, and it makes me wonder.  Why is this so hard, I know the reality is ..it just is.  But sometimes I see the suffering here and I want to cry out...

We really do help each other here..I forget for a moment about my own demons when I see yours..

thank you for that..

sheila

[CinCee]

Sheila, I think it's hard because as users, we didn't want to do things the hard way from the beginning. So we're adding a huge physical challenge (withdrawal) to a tendency to want to take the easy way out.  Double whammy.
C'est la vie.

[CinCee]

Hey, I should be psycho-cleaning, but here I am.  What day is it?

[athena]

Good morning sunshine.....I wanna play today too!By the way,I had my hair colored and cut aaaaaaaaaand got a manicure.Now what do I do?lol How is your visit with sis going?Try not to pat her down and steal her drugs lol Temptation has been knocking at my door (literally)Why do I want to answer?Wish someone would knock me over the head or something lol

pixi

[FINISHED?]

I'M ON MY SECOND DAY OFF OF A "HUGE" AMOUNT OF VICODIN ES. (10 TO 15 PILLS A DAY & SOMETIMES AS MANY AS 20) I'M A 29 YEAR OLD MAN THAT HAS BEEN TAKING THIS DRUG FOR CLOSE TO 11 YEARS. MY BIGGEST PROBLEM IS THAT I'VE HAD 12 SURGERIES ON MY KNEE & CANNOT MANAGE THE PAIN. I'VE HONESTLY HAVE TRIED EVERY OTHER MEDICATION ON THE MARKET & NOT ONE CAN CONTROL THE PAIN. I WANT TO GET OFF THE MEDICATION LONG ENOUGH TO KNOCK MY TOLERANCE DOWN TO WHERE IT WAS.(ABOUT 2 OR 3 PILLS A DAY) HOW LONG WILL THIS TAKE? HOW LONG ARE THESE IMPOSSIBLE WITHDRAWLS GOING TO TAKE TO KICK? I HAVEN'T GOT THE OPTION OF TAKING TIME OFF OF WORK SO I'M SITTING HERE SWEATING, YET I'M COLD, I HAVE THE "RUNS" REGARDLESS OF THE IMMODIUM I'VE TAKEN. THIS JUST PLAIN SUCKS!!! I CAN GO RIGHT NOW & GET MY MEDICATION & KICK THIS BUT I'M REFUSING TO DO SO!!! DOES ANYBODY HAVE THE ANSWER AS FAR AS THE TOLERANCE DROPPING DOWN TO WHERE IT WAS? I HONESTLY DO NOT TAKE THESE PILLS FOR THE "HIGH" AT 11 YEARS, THAT "HIGH" WENT AWAY A LONG, LONG TIME AGO.

[athena]

Your going through the worst of it now so hang in there.Each day does get easier.Im on day 11 off hydro and no physical symptoms after 1 week.Im not sure about how long to lower your tolerance but this is the place to be for support.Im sure someone with more knowledge than me will answer you.If you have access to hydro and wont get it then you are one strong and determined person.I wish you luck.Keep posting,it really helps.

pixi

[athena]

Day 10 for you girl!

pixi
aka/debbie

[CinCee]

She's not here yet.  Later today.  If she's got 'em, I won't have to pat her down.  She'll uncurl my fist and force them in my hot little hand.  Then a day later, she'll put on me to start making calls for more, etc.  I'm not gonna do it, I'm not gonna do it.....

I put in a call to my doc for prednizone.  I can not face pain and family at the same time. lol

Oh, man, you got your nails done?  I'm so jealous!

[athena]

Your not gonna do it,yor not gonna do it!Maybe if you tell her that you have worked very hard to get off those things and would be easily tempted,she will not push them on you.Whenever you feel weak,just find one of us and we'll help you be strong!You have come too far to turn back now.It is going to be difficult,but I know that you can do it!

pixi

[Chezz]

Dreamin..........

I hate to see the suffering too. Yet I know without it, there would never be real PEACE.

The balance in life will always prove true.


I hope you are doing alright.
Chezz

[dreamin]

I am doing ok...still clean, still struglling, getting a little worn out by the conflict inside of me...but hanging in there, I have made it this far....I cannot and will not start all over again...

I know that peace will come...at least I hope it will.

how is your pain today?

[Sean5110]

Oh man, do I know that "I'm a freak at the hell-desk in the Office of the Normal" feeling. But I don't know how long it will take. I'm also on day 2 but it is on a buprenorphine detox program so withdrawal shouldn't be as hellish (not so yesterday though when I was heaving painfully and sweating torrents in the bank bathroom. I took the bup too early.)

When I saw your post I said a small prayer for you. Desperation, real desperation is such an unbearable condition. The only solution is to know the comfort of someone's care for you. I've said it before and I'll say it now, the moment of leaving drugs behind leaves me like a small child desperately searching for someone to take care of me. Love goes a long way in this synthetic world. To live whole, in loving sacrificial relationships -- I think this is the place of true peace. But that might not help you now. At any rate, I send to you a caring heart, and as I said, a prayer to one I'm convinced cares deeply.

Please don't give up , in, or out.

Sean

[athena]

My thoughts are with you today in your struggles.You will get the peace your looking for,it just takes time and patience.It also takes friends who understand what your going through.I hope your day gets better.

pixi

[beenthere2]

And the physical part is only a third of the battle- the mental fight is even a harder challenge.

[Chezz]

Dreaming,

Sorry I had to get a bowl of cereal and put a dvd in the computer. I am watching Changing Lanes. (I have 2 monitors. Split screen)

I was going to say earlier that you sounded a little abstract. Reaching in an odd way. Like I could "feel" why way through your thoughts on paper.

I am still here dealing. Like I told my doc. I am still here. So is the pain. Half of the battle is just getting through the day with the pain. While they are busy working, eating dinner with their families, I am still here with the pain. It doesn't go away, it doesn't take a break. It is mentally and physically exhausting.

I will get through it and always have.
Chezz

[FINISHED?]

I'm hurting for sure but I am DETERMINED!!! I always figured if I can make it through all of the painfull surgies, withdrawls would be a walk in the park. WRONG!!! I have never been a depressed person in all of my 29 years...I am now. But I have been a strong person my whole life & I will be damned if some pills are going to ruin my life. Thank you all for the support & I will frequent this website everyday with my condition. I also vow to be here for all of those in my shoes once I have kicked this drug to show the support you all have shown me!!! Thank you!!!

[Synderella]

I finally was able to see my doctor yesterday, and ask her about a Xanax taper. . .after all of my research, I just DO NOT understand how this drug is legal.  My hydro bottles ALWAYS had the following labels:  

[FINISHED?]

THANKS!!! My loving girlfriend is being a great help & a huge source of strength for me. You have become another source of strength & encouragement. I WILL BEAT THIS!!! The fear I have is that the chronic pain is truly unbearable. I have tried every avenue from other pain meds to professional pain mangement & nothing but the vicodin seems to work. I know that I will eventually have to start taking them again. I just want to be able to take 2 a day instead of 10. But I know that I will be able to do this because of this website & the people like you will always remind me of this horrible time I'm dealing with. Thanks!!! I will keep you updated of my progress & will be here for those in the future when I too can say that I've beat addiction!!!

[bmac]

I am in my 48th day from withdrawing.Most of the mental part is gone now and the physical part ended about day 22.I, like you
have had several surgeries in the knees.I am about a week away from right knee replacement and have been struggling with this collapsed knee for 3 years.I am 44 and first injured it when I
was 16 and playing football in high school.God that was along
time ago.I had the first surgery then and several knee scopes later I have to do something to end the pain.Replacement.
I am at an age where this will be the best thing for me.The replacements last 20 to 30 years now and I think that would safely bring me home.
Hang tuff with the addiction thing.Whether or not you get completely off the drugs isn't what is important,it's getting rid of the addiction mentally.I will need narcotics soon and
I will have a whole new outlook on them now on.Physical addiction
only last a few days or weeks,The mental part is all up to you.
It can go away in a few weeks or it can linger a life time
that's up to you.Good luck to you,I feel for you!!
                           bmac

[dreamin]

today I am just tired, and when I get tired I feel weak, or because I feel weak I am tired.  i don't know, there is battle raging inside of me and one day I fight and the next day I don't know if I can.  But i remember a week ago having that feeling moment by moment, so it is getting better.  

I am reaching, but I am not sure what for, i don't know what I need right to now to fight this...

[Moxy-oxy]

Sean-
You've developed quite a cheering section on this forum, and frankly that doesn't surprise me. Use their support, and take comfort in their words. In the arms of others you will find the strength that will return in yourself. Congratulations, and Happy Aniversary. Everything you are feeling is completely normal. I don't know if you drink coffee, but that helps me get going in the morning because I can no longer smoke some heroin or snort an Oxy 80 or two. It seems that you and your wife are connected on some level that transcends the everyday routine of your relations. If this isn't love, I don't know what is.

I am on day 16 of a 21 day methadone detox program. God, I feel like I can make it. For the first time in this entire process that has brought me at points to my knees, weeping uncontrollably, and searching out bottles of pills, just to feel the possibility of relief. For the first day, I feel confident that I can stop the cycle of pain and loneliness that addiction and withdrawal force upon us. I realized today that loneliness and alienation were the reasons that I turned to drugs, while I always told myself I just had a penchant for the darker side of life. Hollywood can be a world where creativity and business meet, where dreams are made, trends are set and messages are conveyed through our movies. It is also a place where superficiality, greed and egos can sap all life out of our society. BMAC, I think, posted a conversation with a sponser of his where his sponser asked how he was doing, and BMAC replied that he was feeling like ****, lethargic etc. His sponser said "I didn't ask you how you were feeling, I asked you how you were doing" This post has stayed with me. Everyone on this forum can create happiness in their lives, regardless of how they feel. Whether it be Hollywood, Florida, Baltimore or Alabama, our worlds are what we make of them. Happiness does not come easy, we took short cuts with drugs, and we learned that there truly are no short cuts in life. Work hard to make yourselves happy, and everything else will fall into place!

[Chezz]

Shiela. I know the feeling. I feel your exhaustion.

I am writing about it right now(Have been for an hour or so. It is so wierd how that works.

I couldn't watch the movie.

These thoughts, these feelings. this pain has to be expressed.

Hang in there.

"This too shall pass"   ;)
Chezz

[Sean5110]

Jenn,

I've wondered what had become of you. I'm sorry about your xanax misery. You haven't been around to hear the saga of my enrollment in a buprenorphine detox program, but it started yesterday (I thought I was dying as a dry heaved myself silly only to find that I had used hydro to close to the bup dosage. As the nurse told me today (I just got back from the clinic), "Burprenorphine doesn't like other opiates clinging to the receptors that it is intent on dominating".)

But it is day 2 and I'm so lonely and physically weird and lethargic, but I am hopeful. Wow! Day 17! It seems like just yesterday you were on the eve of day 1. That's how it works I guess. Just not picking up a pill, one moment by moment. I'm so glad the hydro is not an issue for you (even if you have to suffer the xanax taper, you're not acting like an addict)

Please keep me in touch.

Sean

[Chezz]

Moxy,

I too have lived that life.

Materialism, capitalism, greed. A penchant for all things physical.

Unhappiness, selfishness, lonelyness are the facilitators.

Introspection, selflessness, and compassion are the antagonists.

I always thought that if I fit into the "mold" of the corporate world, I would be "worth" something. I always followed the "unwritten" rules and succombed to the emotionless passion that I was tought.

I have finally found out what makes a "real" leader.

Look at any person who is "wealthy". They will always have someone right by their side that is REALLY "wealthy". The type of person that can express and deal with issues. That is grounded and "real".

You will always have this balance. What side of the equation you pursue is CHOICE. Happiness is a choice.

I have chosen.

Chezz

P.S. Ignore my writings if you like. I am in one of those "Zones". Fraught with feelings and introspection.
I am writing today, and taking a break.

[lilmermaid]

I just keep writing in hopes that somehow this will help me to get better. No one in this little town has a clue of what I am going through. That is okay with me. The image people have of me here surely is not this. But here I sit alone, trudging and telling myself you can do this. So I tell myself your happy and not in as much pain. Your mindset is everything right now. I just keep talking. Sometimes my brain just beats me up and won't shut up. Anybody here know anything about disc herniation starting at the C2/3?  I'm so lonely. I love life though. I don't live anywhere close to my family. Funny my brother said once, we are an addictive family. He was right. I think about the bunch of them. Father alchol, sister into crack, 4 brothers and all into some kind of drug/alchol or something. Can't believe how I could even wonder how I got here. I know auto accident and improper dental procedure started it for the pain, but couldn't I of tolerated it in a different way? I miss my family. I want to go to Maui and see my brother. I need to get away. I can't keep up with my responsibilities. I can't carry through on a project. Simple house chores are not being followed through. I start and it sits! I know I feel better today. Hey, I got a full nights sleep last night. I woke up so proud. I want to be able to motivate others in this forum. My heart goes out to all of you. I read your post's and have thoughts on them, but somehow just can't get what I want to tell you all into words. But hey, I've got alittle cherring section going on here in my office for all of you.  I've even got alittle ball that when I throw it, it cheers. So Cheers to all for the efforts going on here!!!  I won't re-read this or I'd probably just delete it, so here goes the post!