help

[toothfairie]

Hi i've just joined this site and i am so nervous and scared....have been on Norco 10/325 for 10+ yrs and vicodin before that.....i REALLY want to kick this habit and i am alone...no one knows about this...not family, no one, too embarassed to tell them.  I have 8-10 off work right now so i'm looking for help and support with this....i've read about the Thomas recipe....does anyone have any info about it if it's good??  Please anyone...i need help  

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

Hey there, I have been busy trying to pull my life back together....everything from trying to go back to work, dealing with court and money issues....

Anyhow I just wanted to let you know you are a good mom, you did the best you could with what you had. From here on out you can make whatever changes you need to, to make a better life for you and him.  3 hours away is not so bad.  You will make it work.  

Way to go, you are doing great!

[toothfairie]

thanks so much Andy!!  and CONGRATS on your 73 days!!  that is AWESOME!!  i can only hope and pray that i can get to 10 days much less 73!!  yep it's trial and error for me....i was clean for a year long time ago...did it CT but wasn't taking nearly what i was couple days ago!! but i remember the sweats and non sleep and aches...runny nose, eyes...everything...it *****!!  so i'm really new to this again i guess you can say...i went from 12-16 pills a day of norco 10/325...to 2 n half pills today...drastic drop and believe me i'm feeling it...as you well know!!  hoping i can get a little sleep tonight without taking something

[cleanguy]

Hey there toothfairie... glad you found the board! You have found an incredible community filled with so much knowledge and experience. The board has saved me!  Im a big advocate for the Thomas recipe, especially if you jump and decide to go cold turkey... was the only way for me. When your wd symptoms come along post your questions right away, there are little tricks for everything and a lot of trial and error during this process. Sleep seems to be the toughest thing the first few days to a week. Move as much as possible... force yourself to do it. Wishing you the best on your clean journey!  73 days for me today, each one is a blessing! Andy

[toothfairie]

sorry for all the miss-spelling and bad grammar....lol  head is in a fog so to speak....  :/

[toothfairie]

thank you!!  and you as well as others in mine prayer list too!  we all deserve happiness....now i just have to believe that someday about myself....the guilt is so overwhelming right now....self loathing etc etc....pity party yada yada.....so excruciating to hear myself say these things about myself but i'm trying to be as honest as i can be...no need to lie on here....every one is non-judgemental that i've seen and heard from....it's so great to have a support system like this....even is i can't see faces...i know you are out there somewhere and in my corner.... :)

[Pat1956100]

You are definitely in my prayers sweety.  You deserve to be happy and I know you will get through all of this.  Keep posting as much as you want.  
It helps so much.

[toothfairie]

THANKS DEARLY Pat and everyone on here for helping me thru this horrible thing!  i REALLY want to beat this! i have to!   the climb back up is HARD and will get harder for me i'm afraid but with God's help and the help here and whatever aftercare i use...i will do this!  now tmrw I might not be so hopeful....lol we will see  

[Pat1956100]

You can and will do this..
I think you are at bottom right now but you have just started the climb back up.  That's just what I'm doing.
Hang in there and just ride it out.
Big Hugs
Pat

[toothfairie]

and yes you deserve a normal life to spend with your husband and kids...we all do...i'm alone but have a big family and few friends....but they all deserve a clean and ALIVE mom and sister!!  

[toothfairie]

yes it def trial and error right now for me...i'm just doing the best i can right now.....taking one second, one min, and one day at a time.....trying not to stress and beat myself up for what i've become.....my son deserves a better mom...a clean mom...even tho he's 35 and lives 3 hrs from me....he would be devastated to know what i've done.....maybe one day i will be brave enough to tell him some of it...the part about me being hooked on pain killers anyway..hopefully that will be ALL i have to tell him... i'm praying

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

No problem and I said everyone does it differently and when they are ready.  When u are ready you will.  I just hope for you that it happens sooner than later.  The longer we let this terrible disease posses us, the harder it is to comes to terms with what we have done to ourselves and the people we love. A hidden addiction is a lot harder than a public one.  It becomes internal and eats away at you.  Its a slow death.  I want to give myself more, I want to give my husband more, and my kids more.  I deserve a normal life and not what I thought "normal" was on these.  I am sending you lots of positive thoughts and my prayers are with you.

[toothfairie]

Silkie, we ALL do things like this to get what we needed!  I would have done the exact same thing if i had had the chance!!  I'm just glad i never found a dealer on the street cuz i don't really have the money to buy like that and i would have been bankrupt....might still be at the end of all this but God willing i'll be alive!!  be broke as hell but i'll be alive!!  

[Silkie55]

I had a small network of friends, we all had the same doc. (Small town) we would borrow and pay back from each other, heck everyone knew what day each of us got our scripts! Isn't that terrible I could of been doing so many more productive things other than chasing those a darn pills!!!!!

[toothfairie]

and yep, i'm a pretty good actor as well....no one knows about mine either except my doc and some pharmacists.....no one has come forward and said anything anyway....it's not like you act high on these things.....i take them to feel NORMAL now and i know that's NOT normal to do!!  so i just need to keep on keeping on IF i can!!!  i haven't bought any off the streets but believe me i've thought about it!!!  just didn't know where to go to get them etc. which is a good thing now!!  so thanks again!!!  

[toothfairie]

thank you so much for your kind post!!!  yes it has meant so much to me see all the support from all here!!  I'm still confused as to do the taper or the CT but i'm on day 2 of taper...feel kinda crappy...mentally and physically but i know that's to be expected....i can't imagine going to work right now so i have taken off Mon and Tues so i'm off all next week....and if i need more days off after that i'll make up some excuse then...that's IF i still have a job in a few days.....that's to be determined in the next few days....lots of things juggling around in my messed up head right now, but trying to focus on one thing...NOT TAKING A PILL!!   so thanks for your input!!  any and ALL comments are welcomed and appreciated!!!!

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

I just wanted to add that if you want this you can do it.  Everyone does it in there own way, however it works for them.  Tapering NEVER worked for me, because I had to decide to stop before it would work for me.  Every taper for me lead to more and more excuses, like I just have to make it through this family get together, or this work project, or holiday, hell it came to I just need them to make it through the day.  I understand all the repercussions.  I return to court on Monday to face the music, I have claimed bankruptcy for the 3rd time and lost everything, my wedding band and engagement ring are in pawn.  We have all done ****** things, but today I am clean, I feel pretty damn good, and I have most of my family together.

Also just want to add that no one knew I was an addict.  Towards the end my husband figured it out, but besides the doctors, pharmacists, and all my dealers, there's not another sole who knew.  Many people say that the people around them know......I have done it for so long that I became a pretty good actor.  Maybe now that I am clean they will figure something out but those that don't support me, in my doctor's exact words, can go $%# themselves.  You can do this and we will all help you out.  Be strong you are worth it, you deserve a better you!!!!!!!!!!!  Stick around here and ask a lot of questions or simply just vent!

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

Hey there, I am sorry to hear that you are going through so much right now, but if you are ready we can help you.   Just knowing there are people out there you can be honest with and you don't have to lie to will really help.  Hell, just having someone to listen made the world to me.  Knowing I wasn't the only one, going through literally the same thing was heartwarming.  In my darkest days, when I thought I would die, that I truly did think I deserved to live after the things I did, I think it was mamaof4 that very clearly spelled it out to me the we don't pick this kind of live.  NO ONE does.  No person should even have to go through what we did.  And lord knows the things I did to get them.  I am still ashamed and embarrassed, but everyday, it gets a little better and I realize I am getting close to forgiving myself.  These things I have done, the drugs, the addict, they don't define us.  The people we without the drugs define us.  

[toothfairie]

yes i'm alone in this too...for now...until i get the courage to tell family and friends....and physically feeling so bad right now i don't think i can talk on the phone to anyone just yet to even tell them....takes energy just to type here...lol  but it has helped me tremendously so i keep coming back

[Pat1956100]

No, somewhere on your profile you have a watch list.  It just means that you want it added to your watch list so you can follow the thread.
Your private messages are private but what you post here on the forum, anyone can read.
Don't be scared.  Fear is the worst part of this.  I was I aterrified my first time and I was alone.  So alone.  But I got through it with the help here.
Unfortunatley I have relapsed a few times and I am now going through it again FOR THE LAST TIME.
I am going to send you a private message.

[toothfairie]

yes mama"....i have gotten SO MUCH support here....it has made a tremendous diff today for me....feeling pretty bad right now.....so it helps so much to come on here and post and read you ladies' posts....can't thank you all enough....so helpful to know someone out there feels the same way i do....and i'm just in the beginning stages so i'm sure its only gonna get worse...and i'm so scared to go thru it but i know i HAVE to

[toothfairie]

i'm going to try and get Monday off so then i will have the whole week off until Monday after Thanksgiving....so counting today....it will be 10 days..i have an off topic question....the little box below this screen on left that says "add to watch list" does that give the public access to our messages??  just curious

[mamaof4410]

Trust me its a question we all as addicts have asked ourselves a million times over. Theres no answer as to "why" we become addicts. None of us woke up one day and decided "Oh I want to be a drug addict when I grow up" Its something that happens, but you cannot ignore it. You have recieved A TON of support so far and this is an everyday thing on here. Keep posting and you can (and will if you really want to) geth through this.

[Pat1956100]

Yes tapering is really hard to do but it will be easier on you if you can do it.  We can't give tapering advice on this forum but I'm sure you can figure it out.
This is your chance to do it and you don't want to waste all this time off.
How many days do you have off total?

[toothfairie]

thanks again Pat!  if there comes a time soon that i think i REALLY need to tell someone i can tell my sister(s)....they live far away but would both really understand....and one of my sister's is a psycologist....well will be in the summer of next year when she finishes her degree. so she would be help mentally.  My friend lives about 30 mins away but has small children and a husband to take care of so i don't want to burden her...besides i just really don't feel physically up to having anyone over here right now....so nice to feel supported on here and not judged....and i'm proud i've made the decision....now to just KEEP that decision going in the right direction!!