I want to understand

[wannaunderstand]

I am a newbie here, but I am needing help in understanding addiction. Hoping someone here can give me some insight as to what I am up against, and what or where I can turn to. I will try to keep this brief, however please forgive me if I get carrying on.
I met a guy 11 years ago, he is a great person with a huge caring heart when he's straight, however this only happens when he's not in jail. He has been addicted to heroin for 20+ years, and spends much of his life behind bars. We were together for a couple months, but I had a young child and could not live a lifestyle of never knowing what I was going home too, or not going home to, as he had stolen from me in order to go get a fix. We kept in touch on/off for awhile. A couple years later he called me and was in recovery. We got together to hang out but then I got involved in a relationship with someone else and we lost touch again. 5 years later he called me and was in rehab/recovery house and doing well. I was still in a relationship at that time, but I would go see him n' hang out a few times a week. I wasn't happy in the relationship I was in and could never forget about the one I truly loved and couldn't have. However, we agreed that he needed to continue with his recovery and get his life in order, no matter how badly he wanted to "come home"....I went away on a 5 week vacation and when I got back he was no longer at the recovery house....now again years have passed yup he's back in my life. I think he is my addiction as I refuse to give up on him. He talks about how badly he wants to get off heroin, possibly go on the methadone program... he was released from jail again on Sept. 12th, came home for 3 days, using during that time, then I didn't hear from him for a week and he was back in jail again.
I am living a dream or is there anything I can do. Like I said I refuse to give up on him, but don't know what to think anymore. It's been 11 years and I'm still hearing the same old...but seeing no results. We have a connection that I can't explain, and even though my family can't stand him and cringes everytime they hear he is back in my life....Please someone help me to understand that if he loves me as he says he does why is it so easy for him to walk out of my life???He's asking me to be there for him when he gets out in a year...I am so emotionally drained and not understanding, I can't keep doing this but can't let him go.
Sorry for going on, guess it wasn't so brief eh...but really I would love to hear any opinions, advice...

[house1]

My first two husbands were addicts and yes I am too. Sometimes we hope that we can mold someone and change them into what we want them to be.
I have found that you cant do this to a normal person that is rational and thinks clearly. I know now that it is impossible for someone who is an addict to think of anything else but their drugs before anything else.
You said he is in jail for a year and has been in jail many times before why is he in jail this time?
Sweetie did you ever think that it is you who has some issues with relationships and you might benefit greatly to talk to a professional about them?
We all want someone to love us but sometimes were so blind by love that we don't want to see the truth about someone and no matter what others tell us and is so obvious to our families to see we continue to stay with people who constantly hurt us in the name of love!

[girlybuff]

Please consider going to Al a Non as addiction is a disease that effects evryone it touches.
There is a core reason he cannot remain sober and he needs to find that out in order to have any hopes of living a life without drugs and there is also a reason you have chosen to stay and enable him for the past 11 years.  You need to work on that in order to heal emotionally from the wreckage that his drug use has left behind.  His meotions have dictated your emotions.  You have twisted and turned in order to love him sober as Kim said.  You no longer know who you are becaue you are always trying to either not set him off or fix him, or do this or that in order to make him see that if he would just stop, things would be better for all of you.  All of those things are very much out of your control but you don't realize it.  
In Al a Non you will be given the opp. to learn more about addiction as a disease, meet other people (women espeically) who have addicts in their life or who have had addicts in their life (husbands, fathers, children, etc.) and who have learned to live their live for them regardless of whether their addict is using or not.  Some stayed in their relationship, others left but they all regained a sense of self that no ne can ever take away.

[Prettyface1990]

Just a little bit of info for you hun,  he doesn't necessarily have to run for the methadone clinic.  That could just be another disaster.  My man shot dope for 20 years and he says successfully. How successfully I don't know, anywaysTthursday he celebrated "20" YEARS CLEAN and never did the methadone clinic.  And then there are others that I know who say the clinic will own you. A friend of mine recorded a song called "The Clinic". He had written this song from experience and let me tell you, the story wasn't pretty. I also know this girl that has been on methadone for so long she will never get off it. You man needs to make the choice. If the option is there I would SUGGEST a detox and then a 12 step fellowship.  But only if he WANTS to get clean.  Because there are many who need a program and few who WANT it, and those who WANT it get it and those who don't won't.  Personally I wanted it and I have been clean for over 17 years.   I will say a prayer for you and your man.

Peace

[LIZZIE LOU]

oh don...i feel like i have been hit by 2 semi trucks every morning...lol...and the only excuse i have is "old age".

it has been my pleasure to talk with you this week...and i hope we can continue.  you are so committed to sobriety and i am soo proud of your progress.

i will take time in a few to send you a message...

hope you get some good sleep tonight!

kim

[TooManyOxyz01]

hello kim, you have a heart of gold and knowledgable brain, today is day #7 off oxyz, can you believe it??

this morning i felt like i had been hit by 2 semi-trucks, i am a slow learner, folks had suggested taking hot-baths,taking ibuprofen 800/1000mg a few times a day, so finally hard-headed me took the suggestions, afterwards i felt like a new peson, i was able to get out of the house for about and hour, then i was able to cook some real food for myself and my younger son, i hope it is not to soon to brag but, i actually feel sorta good!!

please pm me and let me know how you are doing and your sons too.

yesterday was a bad day with the MRI of my right shoulder and detox symptoms out the a**, i took a nap during the pm due to sheer exhaustion and after thoughts of "what the hell, the dr gave me the oxyz for pain and i was hurting so bad, when i awaken i was still in an exhausted stupor and could not remember my password, i tried unsuccessfully to creat another account, nickname & password, so today with my mind a little clearer i created amother email account and then was able to acess this forum which has saved my butt these last 7 days.  :)

please let me hear from you, i hope you are having a good day!!!!

many thanks for being there for me over the last week, i don't think i could or would have made it otherwise, you have been a blessing....Don   :)

[LIZZIE LOU]

hi...

i would guess that you are a "nurturing" person.  i am too so i know where you are coming from.  the advice that has been given is "real"...coming from addicts who know the ins and outs of addiction.  listen to them.

i just want you to make sure that you are not confusing "wanting to save this man"....with "loving him".  i am very much a rescuer...if i see someone who needs help...i'm all over it.  

one thing that i can tell you is that no matter how hard you try...how many years you hang in there...you CANNOT love someone sober.

good luck sweetie,
kim

[wait2long]

good idea!!

[wait2long]

you dont have to talk hun, just listen for a while, you can learn a lot just by listening, and then when you get to know the people there, you will feel a lot more comfortable, then you can speak if you want to...
and as far as avoiding confrontations because of the fear of it making him use...hun, hes using anyway...plus you dont have to be confrontational, if he truly cares then he owes it to you to at least listen to what you have to say....good luck and keep us posted....maybe HE should come here for support, you can always suggest it and maybe we can talk to him and let him know there is hope for him, if he truly wants it...there are plenty of people here who have walked in his shoes that would be a great help to him if he is interested...

[KeepTheHope]

hard to answer this one...I read through most of these responses... and a lot of them seem to be the same sad news right? I even read your responses and it sounds like you know how this addiction horror works. You know all the answers but you just want to at least talk to somebody on here. You have a connection to him that you cant explain...you love him...you feel sorry for him...you feel like you are his angel...you dont want to see him be alone and losing an uphill battle. I want to ask you this, just for the sake of keeping the hope I want you to write out what you would like to happen...1. what would be the best thing in the world that could happen? 2. what would be the second and third best (more realistic) things that you could live with if they happened?
3. what do you really feel is going ot happen?
I've never responded to somebody like this...so I hope I am not sounding like a jerk.
take care.

[wannaunderstand]

Once again thank you for your reply. When I read what you stated about not needing to change because I accept him the way he is...I had never thought of it that way, but now I know that I need to make some changes as well. I have always tried to avoid confrontation or arguements with him in regards to his addiction as I feared that it may 'trigger' him into using.
Wow seems like I've got so much to learn. I have looked into Nar-anon meetings in my area and now feel that I need to get up enough courage to actually attend one of the meetings. I am a quiet, shy, and reserved person who finds it hard to talk to people I don't know. Face - face anyway, it's obviously easier here at this site.

[wait2long]

its almost like the feeling of the need to breath that pulls some of us back into addiction, it is that strong of a pull, it doesnt go away unless your prepared to fight it with every ounce of your being, try holding your breath and see how long you can go...for some and i think for your man, it has become as natural to use as it is to breathe. and the feeling of  suffocating with no air is how i felt when i needed to "get well", being dope sick, having withdrawals is like the flu 100 times over, and then the brain gives you all kinds of reasons why you shouldnt have to feel like this any longer, so we use to feel "normal?", because after such a long time its not about getting high anymore, its just to feel normal and not sick.
i am sure he is using to cover pain, most do, whether it is physical or emotional, we mask it, numb it with drugs. when your high...or so called normal, everything seems fine, no worries, no reality. when your not, everything comes crashing down with that suffocating feeling, so we use again...the cycle of addiction.
unconditional love is great, but when you enable, you are ultimately helping him continue down the same path, he feels he doesnt need to change because you accept him as he is, unconditionally...so why change? he knows there is someone or somewhere he can go regardless of his circumstances...which means he may never hit "rock bottom"...and this is when you lose everything and everyone...there is nothing left, you have burned your bridge with everyone, and no place to go, you cant go down anymore, the only direction and option left is to change and start moving up to admitting he needs help, he will have nowhere to go but up...rock bottom is being completely alone in the world, then everything from this point on is up to him, and there is no one left to help or support him in this effort until he has asked for help in changing every aspect of his former life so he can create his new drug free life.
methadone is NOT his only option, there is also suboxone with some intense therapy for him, inpatient rehab, i would only use methadone as a last resort when all else has failed...he has options, but he has to choose to use them...he is in trouble hun and has been for too long...

[wannaunderstand]

Thank you for your responses and for keeping it real. Ya the truth hurts but I asked so I have to be prepared for the answers. Kind of ironic that it was his idea that I look into going to a group or meetings of families affected by addicts and learn or get an understanding from others that have been there. The one thing he said though "is just don't let them convince you to leave me".
I try to believe that if he knows that someone loves him and will always be there to support him in his efforts to get clean...but yet he too has told me years ago that I enable him...what is unconditional love? I love him and can't imagine turning my back on him...don't we all need someone we can count on no matter what. I have made it clear to him that I will not & can not go on like this for another several years. He informed me that this is the 1st time I have ever given him an ultimatum, and asked me why I hadn't done it before. Sadly he's right, but the reason I never did was because in my heart I know that I will never win or be able to compete with his love for the drug. I know I can't make him change, it's something that he and only he can do, either with or without me.
I wish I could understand how it can be so controlling over a persons entire life, to be successful for a short period of breaking away from it, what is the power that pulls you back...
What exactly does the term "hitting rock bottom" mean. His mother died of a drug overdose while he was in jail (so he never got to go to the funeral). I would have thought that if anything would bring him a wake up call, that would have done it...but would that have actually worked in reverse and he continues to use in order to bury the feelings of guilt?? If he comes to terms, deals with and accepts his past for what it is, the reasons he started using to 'forget' or escape from to begin with...??
Aghhh, I am so confused, frustrated, angry...just my luck that Mr. Perfect has one major flaw. Thanks again for the replies and I will definately check back

[marcatj]

wait2long explained it perfectly... it is the sad truth.

please take good care, and read this again tomorrow if it's too much tonight.. and i think alot of folks have signed off tonight, so if you don't get more feedback (tonight,) please know there will be more folks on tomorrow.

be well.. and take care of you first...
mj

[wait2long]

well, first off, and this is MY experience but most will agree...he is severely addicted, which means he will do anything he can to maintain his high and to get his drug, and when i say anything, i mean hurting the very ones he cares for most, over and over again, until they have had enough and all ties are broken. even then he will continue to choose his addiction over you, over anything. it is a sickness, a vicious cycle that never ends until he is ready to make it end, you cant do it for him, and he will not do it for you, his drugs have completely clouded his view, his life and has consumed every thought he ever has. when he is hurting you, lieing to you, leaving you..this is not HIM...this is his addiction, its almost like he is temporarily gone and his addiction is in control of his every move and thought. it is full blown addiction at its best.
my advice to you is after 11 years, it may be time to move on...he needs to hit rock bottom and if he truly loves and cares for you then maybe you can force his bottom to come quicker, stop enabeling him for starters...dont let him around you if he is using...tell him you wont have a thing more to do with him until,( sorry to say this but after 20+ years of heroin, he needs to go on methadone maintenance or he just simply wont make it...) he has done something to clean up his act...he has to want this hun...if he doesnt want it, or isnt willing or wanting to stop using heroin, then there really isnt much you can do, it is up to him to do this. i hope you dont think i am being harsh or mean...just trying to be honest with you about what addiction consists of...it is a lifelong battle, even when and if hes done using it will still be an every day battle, it is an incurable disease, he really needs help hun, but i'm sorry, he has to get it for himself, he has to want it, and from the sounds of it, hes just not ready...
you need to just get away from him for a while and clear your own head and thoughts...i think you have been through enough with this man...and yes...i am an addict, i am speaking from having been there, done that...take care hun...and stick around...i am sure there will be more answers for you when people wake up in the morning...

[marcatj]

honey!  thank you!!!!

and i always love seein' ya here too babe... it's good to see you here tonight! :-)

(and i actually thought yours was great!!!! swear! )

[lurker]

As always, your post is so great - I always like to see your name because you have such an amazingly compassionate way of writing!

[lurker]

Welcome to the forum.  I am an addict.  I'd go into a long answer about how addicts don't change and so  on and so on.   But, some of us do change and are able to find our way to a clean and sober life where we can carry on a normal existence w/o drugs.  Some cannot.  I think you know the answer to your question.  It's been 11 years.  He hasn't changed yet.  You need to watch out for you and your children.  As he has demonstrated to you, he can get sober but he can't stay sober.  Getting sober is the easy part, staying sober is the hard part.  He is who he is and you have to decide if you can live with it and if so, stay.  If not, you need to cut the ties that bind you.  I wish you all the best.  I can't imagine your pain.... you obviously care for this man - he needs to care for himself.  you're in my prayers.

[marcatj]

there is nothing you can do, and yes, you are living in a dream.  i'm sorry...

he will only get help when he is ready.  and i have to be honet - in 20 years you've seen the same pattern over and over and over... so why do you think it will be different now?

i am not saying there is no hope for the guy.  what i am saying is you would be better served to let him go until he has alot of clean time under his belt, so you know it's real.

the addiction will win against you. until HE'S ready.  it's that way for everyone - until we are ready we don't quit, no matter who loves us.  connection or not..

i'm sorry honey, but i needed to tell you the truth vs. what you may have wanted to hear..  you need to take care of yourself first, and if/when he gets clean - REALLY clean - give hima shot then.  because i assure you - he is not going to change.. not til he's ready.