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Avatar universal

Living hell

I don't really have a question; I've got all the tools and can apply them when I'm broke... The second I have money I'm back in the disgusting cycle that comes with being a crack addict. I came across this we site and through reading and relating I decided why not create another out post of connections. I have a 4 year old and the most disgusting hung is that I'm robbing him of his full potential; it's killing me inside and yet I can't stop.... I just borrowed 17000 from my parents and spent 3 months in treatment an to come out and within 2 months start using again.. I too feel like others that I'm wasting space in this world. The only reason I hold on is cause I can't phantom what my sons outcome might be without my protection, at least my sober kind..... I know I should go to as many meetings as possible and yet I take that time given an use. **** the person who introduced this crap to me; yet I wouldn't wish it back on them.  The saddest part as I've read many posts is that we have lovig hearts with ****** up minds!!
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Avatar universal
There are not enough words in my clouded mind to help express the gratitude I have for you taking your time to write those powerful and caring words.  An overwhelming amount of emotions came over me and I know that it is in me to overcome this disease. My trigger was living steps away from my former co user; now it's having gone back and doing it that first time.... I no longer need him why share... Ill just wait until everyone is in bed ; yeah right as soon as I have I'm I my bathroom loading up. What a ****** mess I've become in three wks since starting again... A true eye opener as to how little time it takes each round to get back to where you left off. I thought the death ofy friend from treatment would be a sign; that same night was when I first relapsed; the next morning I found out through friends he was dead. Went to his funeral saw the grieving of his parents; the hurt the pain and the sadness. I've done enough to mine already I do not want to put them through that; nor my son. His beauty is pure I do not want to taint it.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi there- I have to be blunt. You cannot protect your son when you're strung out and in withdrawal and sick. You can't protect your son when you're high on crack. You cannot protect your son when you're broke. What exactly are you giving him?

That child is THE most important thing in your world and you're going to lose him if you don't make up your mind to stop your insanity with crack.  You need to change whatever it is you're doing because it doesn't work!

My advice to you is to call your parents, your siblings, and your friends. Call everyone and ASK FOR HELP and make sure they know you're not better. You probably need to go back to rehab and really put forth some effort...

You need to get on your phone now before this gets any worse and get everyone who cares about you in one place and give it up and humble yourself. You'll never do this on your own( is what I'm getting from your post )so take some action right now to prove how much you care about what becomes of your son.

You have a huge responsibility to that boy and to all the people who love you. Don't hurt them like this...don't hurt yourself.
Helpful - 0
4522800 tn?1470325834
And the Wisdom to know the difference..This is a Disease and with all diseases we need Support..When the Mid-Brain takes over there is no Willpower. You can pick what path you go down and that is what you must do..Pick a good one and walk it with your God. I have been using for over 40 yrs off & on and I came clean almost 2 years ago at a older age. Just think of all the damage we do to the Brain, Body and Soul..Your Son needs you and all of you..Go to some one on one..Treatment centers just light the first candle on the cake..It is after the detox is when all the work really starts. You might think you do not want to be here on earth any more or that you are nothing..BUT If you have a life threatening Wake Up Call like I just did a few weeks back, Believe me you would look at it all different.
You know the dwell..You have to stay away from people, places and things that can cause triggers..We almost have to change our whole Life around and get new Behaviors. We have to learn all New Coping Skills we can in order to deal with life. I had almost 18m in when my whole family died around me and my Dog which just killed me..Sure!! I was mad and I also am used to running and getting high when something like this happens..Well I did not and I sure did stick close to my friends on here and also UP my outside support..It is all about SUPPORT because we can not do this alone..AND changing those old habits NOW.
I wish you the best that Life will give you..Please do this for YOU and YOUR BOY!
Bless
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Just after posting the comment my son runs over to me and gives me a loving hug... The signs that are in front of my face have always been there; God please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the will power to do so; cause I know the differences!!
Helpful - 0

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