Aa
Looking for support living with an addict
I just found out that my husband has been using coke and that he wants to stop. I am also in a position where we have been married for 6 years and he has always lied to me about something...and the money situation is awful. We had it out two nights ago and agreed to a year separation - three weeks where he stays with a friend who has beat the addiction and then at our house.
We have almost divorced three times over other things....I honestly have no idea if I love him anymore or not, but don't hate him, so figure I should try to work it out....in addition, my ex-husband was a coke user and I swore I would never be in a relationship like that again and this is the second time he has told me he has been using in the past 7 years...
I would dearly love any advice because I feel totally lost. There is no Co-Anon where I live, so I'm totally on my own since he made me promise not to talk to any of my friends or family about the situation...
We have almost divorced three times over other things....I honestly have no idea if I love him anymore or not, but don't hate him, so figure I should try to work it out....in addition, my ex-husband was a coke user and I swore I would never be in a relationship like that again and this is the second time he has told me he has been using in the past 7 years...
I would dearly love any advice because I feel totally lost. There is no Co-Anon where I live, so I'm totally on my own since he made me promise not to talk to any of my friends or family about the situation...
His other favorite line when we are arguing and I am telling him how it affects me is that I'm being self centered and it's not all about me - that he is dealing with a serious problem that is all about him.....drives me nuts!
Ok...first...I agree w/everything wannabefree says...how dare him turn the tables on you? I am an addict and I Do NOT blame my hubby! I don't blame my mom....but she is a trigger so to speak....anyway... please don't take it personal when he says the mean stuff to you b/c it's the alcohol and dope talking. I've said some unbelievable stuff to my husband out of nowhere... like packing up leaving over minute things... I do understand the baggage and I am sure it's possible the thought has crossed your mind that you are attracted to men like your Dad?
Stick around here... maybe he will use this site or read on it?? Any chance you think?
If you ever want to chat I am here you can PM me!
JoAnn
Stick around here... maybe he will use this site or read on it?? Any chance you think?
If you ever want to chat I am here you can PM me!
JoAnn
I'm not looking for the right words, just people who have experienced similar things to help me stay sane and not feel like I'm in the middle of an ocean on my own while he has support. So far you and wanabefree330 are just what I needed...if I can't talk to people about it I just get stuck in my head and go around and around and get depressed and withdrawn and miserable...and regardless if I want to help him or not, that's not a healthy mind set to be in.
No it's not! We are glad to talk to you.... I am glad you aren't looking for the right words b/c I just don't have them.... but I am a good listener...
Do you have kids? I have 1 boy 20months.
Do you have kids? I have 1 boy 20months.
Nope. No kids. I actually was so aware of the fact that I didn't want any (see the messed up childhood email I sent you) that I tied my tubes when I was 28.
Addiction and alcoholism are both very selfish diseases. He is all caught up in being a 'victim' of his own circumstances. While he needs you to support him in getting clean, I think taking a firm approach might work best for him. Now, this is only my suggestion, but i'd tell him 'stop playing the victim....you are a grown man, you make your own choices. The choices you make about drinking and drugging don't only affect you. ILY and I want you to get help. I am willing to do whatever I can to help you get sober. But I refuse to allow your poor choices to affect my life and my sanity anymore. If you choose to drink, or take drugs, then have the decency to not come home and let me get on with my life!!!".
One thing that took a while for me to learn, was whenever they turn it on you, to redirect the conversation and say, 'this conversation and this situation isn't about me....it's about you....the only one who can do anything about it is YOU'. Now, you do have control over how you react to his decisions and choices. This is where the standing your ground and the boundaries come into play. Once he knows you are serious and not backing down, he'll know you are playing here. When he brings up you being inconsiderate and him going through alot.......blah blah blah.......just say well, that may be true, SO WHAT YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT???
Stay strong girl!
One thing that took a while for me to learn, was whenever they turn it on you, to redirect the conversation and say, 'this conversation and this situation isn't about me....it's about you....the only one who can do anything about it is YOU'. Now, you do have control over how you react to his decisions and choices. This is where the standing your ground and the boundaries come into play. Once he knows you are serious and not backing down, he'll know you are playing here. When he brings up you being inconsiderate and him going through alot.......blah blah blah.......just say well, that may be true, SO WHAT YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT???
Stay strong girl!
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
