Keep on being good, it will start to feel good, eventually.
I think that addiction had me all wrapped up in my emotions, yet my emotions were be blocked by drugs. I was always concerned about feeling good. Isn't that what we hear all the time, "I just want to feel like myself again." I came to realize the focus was on the symptoms, the feeling or lack there of. I realized I had to be good to feel the old me, I couldn't feel like the old me and still BE on drugs. So, I felt horrible, but kept being good as I could, with varying degrees of success. But I kept doing the right thing, the original promise I made to myself and those who love me. Now, I mean it felt horrible, worst I have ever felt has been since I quit drugs. Like was miserable on drugs, so I wasn't really losing anything by just trudging along. Then in AA, I heard, "If you don't know what the next right thing is, then do the next thing right." I deserve better than my last years of opiate use, everyone does.
I kind of chuckled, when you said your buzz was ruined by feelings of failure. Nothing like some recovery to ruin a good buzz. I tell people, once you decide you want to quit, even if you change your mind, there is no going back. The buzz will never be as good as you want it to be, after deciding to quit the very first time. Once you actually try to quit, well, they will never even feel good again. That's just something I've noticed. WE can romance it, even remember actual fun times on drugs, but we can't enjoy them as we once did. It only gets worse and worse, until we actually quit. That may not be true for all, but I sure have seen it enough to know it's a pattern for many. I remember being at a rave, bunch of folks using MDMA, ecstasy, and sat there high, talking about when they plan to quit. See, they decided to quit already, so even on the love drug, the buzz was a waste of drugs, life and time. I watched them all spiral to their bottom over the next couple years.
I think you have a good grasp on how intense addiction is and have gotten humble and honest with other people, even though I am sure you didn't "feel" like doing it. You know what is right, it's a matter of doing it long enough to make it feel right, without the drugs changing our minds. You have made great progress, in my opinion, that is what I think is truly important. No matter how slow we progress, as long as we actually keep moving forward, we will get to where we want to be, it's simply a matter of time and taking the next step.
Just gotta say, love this post. Love your honesty. Love your description of your personality. Love the description about knowing you don't need the high to enjoy your life.
So much in this post to offer to others...so very much. Yep, you will get the year and then some. But, today is what counts.
Keep on striving to be the best, clean, sober you.
Thank you for this...it truly is a gift to us all.
Peace to you!
Thank you so much for writing and sharing that! I havent had a really strong craving yet but I know that day will come and it helps so much to read stories of others who have relapsed and come back to talk about it! I keep that info stored in the front of my mind along with the new things I am learning about recovery so I will be able to recall it and turn for help instead of a pill!!! Blessings to you and keep on doing the right thing!!!!
I have read thousands and I mean thousands of posts and this one hit home like no other. THANK YOU for posting this. The whole time I was reading this I could tell that you and I have similar thoughts emotions and then when you said you had a 12 y/o son and 9 y/o daughter I thought holy doppleganger! I too have the exact same offspring. The part about chasing your tail for that small bit of "on-drug" happiness is SO TRUE. Well I'm only on 2 hours clean but I will not let these drugs win. Please feel free to PM me anytime as I can tell you and I are very similiar. Let's make this a clean year with you 10 days ahead of me along the way. Kind of like my sober big brother. Thank you again for writing this post.
Wow, nice post Real.
I like what Weaver said about moving in the right direction because I was thinking the same thing.
I know we have to do it for ourselves but do it for those precious children as well. Trust me, you want to look back at the special moments and know that you were clean. You don't want to have to deal with regrets.
Congrats on your clean time.
Thanks guys -- I appreciate your support.. Pat, Weaver is awesome and has helped me get my arms around what I am dealing with... He is a great asset to this community and I am greatful he is an active poster here... I also want to add that everyone on here is awesome and it's the collective that makes it work... Right now I am only comfortable speaking about my issues on this forum and that has been hard for me to do lately.. Hopefully I will become more active than the monthly novels I've been posting..lol...
Oxy - thank you and feel free to PM me whenever you feel the need and I'll do the same... I'm sooooo happy you could relate... I'm watching the Seahawk vs Carolina game with my 12 yo as Im writing this with the hugest smile on my face -- stopping every few minutes to talk about the game.
Half just hit so Im going to enjoy the rest of this game with my son and I'll catch you all later...
Thanks again to you all for your unwavering support!!!
Sobriety IS awesome and i was reminded of this the other night. We were having Christmas with my daughter and grandbabies on New Years Day. I worked the afternoon shift on New Years Eve so got home after supper. I had a million things to do plus baking. My granddaughter loves to decorate cookies so i started making the cutout cookies. I believe the last batch came out of the oven about 1:00 a.m. Cleaned up kitchen and went to bed around 2:30. Had to be up early as we had to drive a ways. We pulled up to her house and when i opened the door i could hear her squealing as Grandma and the cookies were there!! As i sat there i looked around and saw the pure happiness in her eyes, i heard the laughter from the other ones, i realized this wasnt a dream, it was reality, my reality and i was there both mind and body, clean from substances. I thought about all the work i had put into my recovery to this point and i realized the greatest gift i gave myself was to put down those drugs, face my demons and learn to love me.
You are right. You are really right on! Best for you. Maxy
I just wanted to point out, it's been 366 days, since you decided to quit. I have to look at the last year in terms of progress, it appears you have come a long way, compared to the previous years. Progress over perfection, never reaching the end, but always reaching, ALWAYS!
Thanks, and I agree.. Progress is progress! I'm not proud that I slipped up a few times but I am proud that I am clean right NOW and happy inside my head now. I'm learning the past is what messes my head up.. If I think about the past then Im not enjoying being clean NOW so what's the point? (If that makes any sense) --- I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm trying to stay in the moment with my sobriety and relish in it..
If I look into the past I see the addict that says "you can handle a pill or two" and if I look into the future I see the addict that saying "see, you made it here so you can have a pill or two" both of those places make me uncomfortable now BUT when I stay in the moment I feel comfortable and safe in my sobriety.. It's easier said than done but I'm working on it...
As always, Thanks for your support!