Aa
My story......kinda long!
Hey everyone...I have been lurking around for awhile now and believe it or not, I feel as though I know all of you...lol.
I'm a 43 yr. old female from NY and right now I'm in the process of stopping (I pray) a 10 yr. addiction to various substances... It all started when I was a teen who grew up in a dysfunctional home after my mother married my step-father when I was 12. Ya know all the BS with pot, hallucinogenics, drinking, cocaine, ect. I married and had my children when I was 20 and for 16 yrs. I didn't do anything, I mean I barely drank. I became a girl scout leader, president of the PTA at my kids catholic school and I did everything right and I truley felt that I had beat the family curse of addiction. These were yrs. that I am most grateful for because I gave my kids a wonderful foundation.
My marriage ended when I was 35 and it seemed everything fell apart.
In order to "deal" with everything I reverted back to my old ways. During this time I also became very sick, but no prob. the drugs masked everything! When I turned 37 everything fell apart...I tried to hurt myself and this started a series of psychiatric hospitalizations. In the coarse of all this I was introduced to crack cocaine by my then bf (call him B) and then the fun really started! In the coarse of 5 mths. I LITERALLY blew through $75,000. My ex H realized something was horribly wrong and between him and my sister, they got me to rehab...I relasped a couple of times but the guilt I felt was overwhelming so I stopped. B didn't.
I was off the crack but by now my health issues were a real prob. Various docs couldn't figure out what was wrong and even told me my pain wasn't real so I seeked relief elsewhere. I found a connection for pain meds and IN THE BEGINING they were a life saver! After about 7 yrs. my condition was finally diagnosed...what a relief! I wasn't crazy! However, I was hooked...
I started to receive treatments (my cond. isn't curable but can be managed) and I started to feel better and I realized my life needed cleaning up! my bf B was still doing crack and drinking and because I felt better I started to call him out on all the lies and I started to follow up with him. One night he didn't come to my house as planned so I went to his apt. and caught him smoking crack. I freaked! He calmly walked to the door and locked it. Then he started beating me about the head. As he had me on the floor choking me I remember looking into his eyes...they were dead...this wasn't B anymore. I swear on everything Holy I thought he was going to kill me. I ended up biting him on the arm so he released me and I tried to run to the phone, he caught me, so for the next 20 min. or so he would scream at me, hit me in the head (not face) and then hug me and tell me he loved me and to please kiss him! It was insane! At one point he turned around and I grabbed the phone and dialed 91--1, he slammed the phone down. I was sooo scared because I believed the call hadn't gone through and now he's more pissed than ever!...next thing---911 called back, he answered and in a calm voice said everything was fine--I screamed Holy he!!. The police were on there way! The ***** ran but not before he body slammed me to the floor.
Sooo...I decided I needed to move back home with my family to get away from the insanity. I did and I spent the next yr. trying to get help for my cond. (better docs down by NYC). No more men..but...I did manage to find a connection here for my percs. A yr. later I met the most wonderful man (call him Cap), we fell in love, bought a house together (I'm helping him raise his 3 teens) and I found THE BEST DOCTOR WHO HAS SAVED MY LIFE with my disease! I truely felt Blessed by God himself!...I made a pact with God that if he would help me I would stop the pain meds altogether. God kept his side of the bargain but I haven't! NOT GOOD!
Ok..10 months later I was currently on 20+ percs/oxys a day and what at first was a life saver now became my personal hell! Tried ct...ashamed to say I couldn't do it so Cap and I decided I would try suboxone. Oct.20, 11:00 Wed. was my last oxy, thurs. I saw the sub doc and I am now on 8 mgs/day...refuse to go higher. Yesterday I saw the sub doc and Itold him I didn't want to be on for long...he explained the chances of relapse will be higher..I understood..but I've been reading MH like crazy and I decided I don't want to be on for more than 2 wks...he agreed. Sooo, this is it...signing up for counceling today. I KNOW I need major help and I Pray that between God, Cappy and I, I will finally beat this!
I hope to keep a running "diary" of my progress, good or bad and I would love to have you all help me or give me some insight and MAYBE in the process help someone else...Lisa
I'm a 43 yr. old female from NY and right now I'm in the process of stopping (I pray) a 10 yr. addiction to various substances... It all started when I was a teen who grew up in a dysfunctional home after my mother married my step-father when I was 12. Ya know all the BS with pot, hallucinogenics, drinking, cocaine, ect. I married and had my children when I was 20 and for 16 yrs. I didn't do anything, I mean I barely drank. I became a girl scout leader, president of the PTA at my kids catholic school and I did everything right and I truley felt that I had beat the family curse of addiction. These were yrs. that I am most grateful for because I gave my kids a wonderful foundation.
My marriage ended when I was 35 and it seemed everything fell apart.
In order to "deal" with everything I reverted back to my old ways. During this time I also became very sick, but no prob. the drugs masked everything! When I turned 37 everything fell apart...I tried to hurt myself and this started a series of psychiatric hospitalizations. In the coarse of all this I was introduced to crack cocaine by my then bf (call him B) and then the fun really started! In the coarse of 5 mths. I LITERALLY blew through $75,000. My ex H realized something was horribly wrong and between him and my sister, they got me to rehab...I relasped a couple of times but the guilt I felt was overwhelming so I stopped. B didn't.
I was off the crack but by now my health issues were a real prob. Various docs couldn't figure out what was wrong and even told me my pain wasn't real so I seeked relief elsewhere. I found a connection for pain meds and IN THE BEGINING they were a life saver! After about 7 yrs. my condition was finally diagnosed...what a relief! I wasn't crazy! However, I was hooked...
I started to receive treatments (my cond. isn't curable but can be managed) and I started to feel better and I realized my life needed cleaning up! my bf B was still doing crack and drinking and because I felt better I started to call him out on all the lies and I started to follow up with him. One night he didn't come to my house as planned so I went to his apt. and caught him smoking crack. I freaked! He calmly walked to the door and locked it. Then he started beating me about the head. As he had me on the floor choking me I remember looking into his eyes...they were dead...this wasn't B anymore. I swear on everything Holy I thought he was going to kill me. I ended up biting him on the arm so he released me and I tried to run to the phone, he caught me, so for the next 20 min. or so he would scream at me, hit me in the head (not face) and then hug me and tell me he loved me and to please kiss him! It was insane! At one point he turned around and I grabbed the phone and dialed 91--1, he slammed the phone down. I was sooo scared because I believed the call hadn't gone through and now he's more pissed than ever!...next thing---911 called back, he answered and in a calm voice said everything was fine--I screamed Holy he!!. The police were on there way! The ***** ran but not before he body slammed me to the floor.
Sooo...I decided I needed to move back home with my family to get away from the insanity. I did and I spent the next yr. trying to get help for my cond. (better docs down by NYC). No more men..but...I did manage to find a connection here for my percs. A yr. later I met the most wonderful man (call him Cap), we fell in love, bought a house together (I'm helping him raise his 3 teens) and I found THE BEST DOCTOR WHO HAS SAVED MY LIFE with my disease! I truely felt Blessed by God himself!...I made a pact with God that if he would help me I would stop the pain meds altogether. God kept his side of the bargain but I haven't! NOT GOOD!
Ok..10 months later I was currently on 20+ percs/oxys a day and what at first was a life saver now became my personal hell! Tried ct...ashamed to say I couldn't do it so Cap and I decided I would try suboxone. Oct.20, 11:00 Wed. was my last oxy, thurs. I saw the sub doc and I am now on 8 mgs/day...refuse to go higher. Yesterday I saw the sub doc and Itold him I didn't want to be on for long...he explained the chances of relapse will be higher..I understood..but I've been reading MH like crazy and I decided I don't want to be on for more than 2 wks...he agreed. Sooo, this is it...signing up for counceling today. I KNOW I need major help and I Pray that between God, Cappy and I, I will finally beat this!
I hope to keep a running "diary" of my progress, good or bad and I would love to have you all help me or give me some insight and MAYBE in the process help someone else...Lisa
What dose of the percs? I was taking ten 10's a day...I'm still in WD and waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel...just took imodium and vitamins and trying to sleep...
I was taking 20+ of the perc10's/oxys...what's amazing to me really is how fast my intake numbers krept up over time! Most of the time I wasn't aware of how much I was taking--I was just taking it, ya know? Sounds real stupid, right? Having a bad day? Take some pills. Having a great day? Take some pills! It HONESTLY wasn't until about 3 mths ago that I started realizing. One day I got like 120 pills and so I thought I was set for a while...about a week later I started to see the bottom of the bottle and let me tell you it scared the **** outta me! All along I kept telling Cap I was taking about 10-12 a day, I swear I wasn't lying...I guess most of the time I would literally forget how much I took! Then I started to "lose" time, meaning, I forgot conversations and sometimes even events! This was my wake up call...
I wasn't taking as much as you but I was forgetting way too much too and it was scaring me also. Just one more of the reasons that I wanted to quit. I used to be so "on it" at my job. The last few years I know I haven't. I plan on getting back to the person I used to be.
Believe it or not at first I thought maybe "I'm getting older", I kid you not---talk about denial! lol...
And I know what you mean about being on top of things! My house "used" to be spotless, not so much now! I was tending to isolate also, every sign of a huge problem!
I just pray to God that I can do this because I so desperately want to be me again! The best to you and thanks for talking to me....
And I know what you mean about being on top of things! My house "used" to be spotless, not so much now! I was tending to isolate also, every sign of a huge problem!
I just pray to God that I can do this because I so desperately want to be me again! The best to you and thanks for talking to me....
Lisa, sounds like you have put alot of thought and research into this. Having the stabilty back in your life with Cap is a major advantage as well. It sounds like if you work the plan and don't abandon it after the WD are over (or Taper) ... Longterm aftercare is what I am referring to. I for one am rooting for you and will be praying for you as well. Sounds like you have been given a second chance at life, except you have some experience this go around. Best of luck and God Bless. Andrew
Sounds like you have been through alot, I am glad things are looking up.
Sounds like you have been through alot, I am glad things are looking up.
Thank you for such a positive response FassFeat! It really means alot to me!
I DEFINATELY feel like I've been given a 2nd chance and boy am I greatful...I don't want to mess this up, ya know. I have a lot riding on me getting this right--I don't mean that I'll lose Cap but I certainly don't want to dissapoint him OR myself. Before I started the pills I've always had problems with depression and anxiety (as I read, this seems to be a common denominator) and I need to learn better coping skills.
Do you have any experience with suboxone?
I DEFINATELY feel like I've been given a 2nd chance and boy am I greatful...I don't want to mess this up, ya know. I have a lot riding on me getting this right--I don't mean that I'll lose Cap but I certainly don't want to dissapoint him OR myself. Before I started the pills I've always had problems with depression and anxiety (as I read, this seems to be a common denominator) and I need to learn better coping skills.
Do you have any experience with suboxone?
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