Near the end of my rope- my story

[sooze819]

This is a tough one for me- I dont even know where to start- Well,kind of- I started using drugs at the age of 12-
thats 6th grade- 1969!!!! Already kicked crack once- till my husband brought it home,cuz snorting hurt his nose- I was pissed, let him know he will like it too much- He spent 3days in the basement-smoking his guts out, and had a stroke on the 4th day-  back home hid his stash- he has always been sneaky,coniving, and truth strecher-
silly me thought I could change that- HA!!! I have been embarresed and humiliated when the truth comes out
or someone slips--uh oh---- 17years later and several separations, I found it,, in his lunch box- empty smoke pack- 10 small bags of this brown stuff- i knew he liked pain meds- but this- I stole one- not wanting to beleive what it was- may some sort of special mix... it was verified- H - ****- just went thru 5 years of pain and torture with my sister- sucking the life out of our now over 80yr old parents..
Anyway- floored and horrified to say the least- now what do I do, he never listens to me- so what do I say to shake him into some sort of reality- well,  said my piece- that was 2months ago- nothing changed, no sex no talking-
watching him fad farther away-   Well- It all came to a terrible relief last night- busted ----- in possesion of 3 baggies of H - buying more and they found 12 diff kinds of narcotics in the car... today he is off to detox after visting the judge-
his buddy who has "pull" got him a bed, and he had enough wits to make it to work and get him self laid off before his little retreat- not easy, but this man always always has somesort of plan.. someone to make a shortcut for him...
And, I dont even get a thank you for bailing me out of jail - 45min drive eachway- not even a blankety Im sorry

my question- do I stay or do I go??? I have no direction at the moment - I have dealt with so much with him (exwife 2 kids yada yada)....what is one more :"test" ... he is so emotional-less... is it worth it?

wow...I am just a little lost soul swimming in a fish bowl . (for you Pink Floyd fans)


any input is most appreciated




      
I will have  my 51st birthday this month- I cant come to terms with the years-
but, I can come to terms with WHY.... sexually abused by family member at 8years- created a serious,still current fear of abandonment, and looking for love in all the wrong places- believing that sex meant love-...so I was very
generous with it, and always hurt... So, drugs we my reliable pals, starting with, LSD, mind altering- they allowed to dissect my self and find an internal awareness... so I didnt have to rely on anyone else for strength- hence- agnostic to this day...all i ever wanted was someone to care and be nice,compassionate- and reliable, I still believe to this day,
with virtually no friends- that everyone leaves me... I am sure I sabbotage relationships to lessen the eventual blow.
Back to my using- I was clean when I met my 1st husband -1977- in the lush mountains of Idaho- had my beautiful daughter 1979- 2nd husband bailed when I wouldn't become "christian"  lasted 6months- prego- then abortion- boy they were pissed- not to offend anyone- back to drugs 1984- off and on sense- found counseling thank god-    


any-  My darling husband of 10years - together for about 17- has just been bust for for possesion, and intent to purchase heroin- caught red handed- and the dogs found 12 other types of narcotics in our car-
including already purchased 3 grams of H- I guess he was stocking up...

He too hasd    

[worried878]

sometimes we have to take a time out and look at ourselves...repeating the same behaviors over and over...admit u have no control over anyone except u...and go from there....do some soul searching and where u want ur life to go...u really deserve better

[bandnmom]

.....year after year. Runnin over the same old ground..have you found...( a lil' continuation of Floyd!)
Wow!! You have been threw alot. Sorry no one answered it must have been super slow on here last night so i apologize. It gets busier as the morning goes! Anyways, only you can make the call. I know thats prob not the answer you were looking for but its true. Maybe wait it out till after rehab and see how he does. Has he ever done rehab before?
Like lifesaride said...look out for yourself!! Good luck to you!

[lifesaride]

wow, youve had alot, have a lot to deal with, I would say take a deep breath and handle it calmly and rationally one thing at a time. You ,ust look out for yourself. Make you no. 1