Almost tried to relapse!!!!!!

[troubleinohio]

avis i just read your post about the importance of aftercare and its such a great reminder. especially for me to read tonight. Im having a very hard time today/tonight/whateverthehell day/time it is now, lol. My ex has been giving me more grief than i ever thought possible considering i left him last fall. It makes me so mad that even after i removed myself from the situation, he still has the power to abuse and scare me and make me miserable. Its after 3 a.m. now and I still cant calm down/sleep after what he's done today (yesterday? SUNDAY). Long story short, the boys spent some supervised time with him for the day and when i went to pick them up, we had a TORNADO WARNING- not just for our county but our litle town specifically was mentioned that we were in the path of this tornado!!! I couldnt believe it. So i got stuck down in teh basement with the man i HATE, waiting for a stupid tornado to come, for god sakes!! thankfully the tornado did not touch down (at least not here, not sure if it did elsewhere but I dont think it did). But man, the things he was saying to me the whole time made me so furious/depressed that i felt like running outside and hoping a tornado WOULD suck me up and blow me away to kingdom come just so i wouldnt have to listen to him for one more second! it was horrible, and the kids were upset too of course. My oldest son who just turned 6 kept yelling "SHUT UP DAD, DONT YOU SAY THAT TO MOM, WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN? I HATE YOU!"
Thats how bad it was =*(        Also, he went nutso and started dragging some old shoes and stuff of mine out that were still at the house and threw them into the fire! I swear he is off his rocker!!!!
any how, this whole thing had me so upset that I swear i was right on the verge of a relapse tonight!! I wanted to hurry and get the kids back home and then go find out which relative of mine was holding m meds from a month or two ago when i had to take some for my back!! I reeally, really was gonna try and do it at one point!! thankfully i got ahold of myself and realized what the helll i was doing and stopped myself. But now im so upset tonight by everything that happened that I cant sleep and has me really thinking hard about my life and what i need to do to improve it more. AND to learn how to COPE better with stress!!!!!
well Im going to go try and get to sleep (haha) because i have to get up in an hour and half to start my Monday, ugh. thanks for letting me vent..

[troubleinohio]

OK Sara, I'll be sure NOT to vacuum....dont gotta tell me twice to avoid that, rofl!
Hey I look forward to celebrating our Big One Year Anniversary together soon!!! SHould I send you flowers for our anny?? lol

[dominosarah]

Im just about a week ahead of you is all!!!!  Dont vacuum as that is what i was doing when mine hit!!!!  

Glad to hear you are feeling better.........sara

[troubleinohio]

Sara- Im sorry you had a rough day too yesterday! where the hell did THAT come from huh?!  Arent you like a year clean now or thereabouts? its crazy how even this far out we can have close calls like that! Im so glad Im here today to say Im STILL 310 days clean and counting!

Danny- thank you so much for your kind words, that means alot to me that you think so highly of me, Im flattered!

Sway and Gizzy- i may have to get in touch with you for a little job, lmao!

and TotalLost- thank you for your PM's, you gave me some very inspiring things to think about and a new twist on the way i look at things. Thank you ALL so very much!!
xl xo xo xo

[dominosarah]

Yesterday wasnt good for a few of us by the looks of it........It was a real reality check for me also......I was vacuuming when my craving hit me like a ton of bricks.  We have to take the time for us Trouble........we have to make sure WE are okay.  Maybe seeing someone would help you.  Mental abuse is very very hard and will bring us down in a big hurry.  Let your ex sh!t in his nest........You dont have to!!!  Take care of YOU........I am glad you made it thru............sara

[Danny750]

I'm so sorry to hear that. Your posts have made me stronger this past week. You are very strong not to cave into the pills. Don't let him make you feel weak. In the eyes of everyone here you are very strong and quite an inspiration and friend to many here. Don't let him take that away from you

[sway1]

you got through it. i have a man like that in my past. i also have some mob connections back home. they didn't hurt him too bad. no i'm not kidding. when you have children to protect, that's what you do. you don't do it by getting high. no matter how good of an idea it may seem like at the time. i wish you strength and peace. keep posting.   sway

[gizzy32]

I am so glad you made it through trouble. I have read many of your posts and your ex truly sounds like a piece of ****, sorry, but from what I read that is how i feel. Mental abuse is very damaging and obviously affecting you. Do you want giz to drive there and have a lil talk with your ex? hehehe. There is nothing worse than a coward man that does this to a women, he seriously needs a man to go there and see how tough he acts then. I am sorry, but he has done some horrible things that you don't deserve. It's DISGUSTING he talks to you like that, let alone in front of the kids:(

I think going to see a counsellor to talk about this would help you so much. Don't ever let him make you feel like your not good because you are. Your clean now and being a wonderful Mother to your kids. I say bake a cake today or do something for yourself that makes you happy. You know as well as I do a few pills will just compound your problem so stay strong. I want a reese peanut butter cake please:)

[troubleinohio]

thx sophie and YES he is a huge trigger!!! Normally I havent had any cravings or anything in a very long time but when he pulls stuff like this.......
I really think i need to get into some kind of therapy, mainly to get through my feelings of pure HATRED that I feel for him. Hate is a terrible, consuming emotion and I wish I didnt feel it, but sadly I do. He's just done too much damage to me and apparently I can't get over that on my own. Im sure thats also why I have not sought out a single relationship since I left. Not even one date!!! I've been asked out quite a lot, but always declined and Im sure its because he has "ruined me". Well, I don't WANT to be ruined anymore. I want fixed damnn it, lol.  

[SophieShine]

Oh girl, I'm so sorry to hear that.
Is there anyway that a third party (neutral?) would bring the kids to your husband and bring them back to you, so that you don't have to face him and listen to his BS.
He seems IMHO like a huge trigger for you, avoid him for a while until you get stronger and THEN face him and, by that strength, he'll realize that he can't get to you no more, you'll scare the daylight out of him. Win this battle for you. you are so worth it. I read you all the time here and you are such and asset to this forum. Hang in there girl. all my strength to you. xxx. sophie.