WTF agaib!

[tingtongtom]

Here is some brief background shizzle about myself those who don;t know me. I an 22 years old' born The UK, now living in thailand.
Since the age of 14 I smoking weed and eatuvg shooms. from there until the late 19 years of my life I experimented with cocaine, 2cb, various benzos and abused ecstasy for 4 years, along with weed for 6 and went in and out of the special K,


Anyhoo, I have a variety of questions if anybody us interested in reading... I hve been on mainly valium averaging out at about 200MG a day, so thats 20 tablets. I also have mixed clonazepam and xanax, temazepan and tramadol. I think tramadol is going to be the min factor in this short story and questions.

So 2 nights ago I was out with my gf and throughout about 5 hours I took 40MG xanax, 150MG tramadol, 200MG valium and drank some beer.
I personally have no memory of where we went or did, the only memory that night was violently vomiting and choking on it. I kept falling over in my room whilst my gf was asleep, i smashed my head twice, my shoulder and calf muscle.
I woke up with very little memory and feeling as if I had gone 12 rounds Mike Tyson, My gf, god bless her soul as she cleaned everythig up.
Anyways, questions.

1,What do you think the main problem with combination I took is>
.
2 Did I overdose, and if yes how badly.

3. my left arm has lost abot 50% of its feeling and my roght foot the same...

4.Why can I not take a **** or piddle, the waste is inside me and I need to go but I really cannot,

5.I cnnot *** either, orgasm is out of the question totally but u can get it up sometimr
es.

Thanks for reading, replies with knowledge hekoful

[tingtongtom]

Thank you miss malibu, that link has really helped. It has so much info on benzo's and the recovery from them, which is great as the vast majority of people here are dealing with opiate withdrawal which is very different.

@tiff, i have been in talks with my mum who is back in the UK and I MAY head off back there for rehab, or do it here, or take a different route, as of yet i do not know.....  

[MissMalibu]

I tell you about my bro because he still has PAWS and it has been years since he stopped. He was young and consumed as much if not more than you.

[MissMalibu]

Tom,
I did some research on valium.  My bro lived and surfed in Bali for years.  I found a link and I am going to try to cut and paste for you.  It is a long article on what Benzos do to the body including the electric shock thing the numbness, etc and then it tells about the different strenghts and what happens to the brain with long term use.  http://www.benzo.org.uk/manual/bzcha02.htm
This site has great info. Please read it if you have time. Keep up the fantastic job you are doing on your own to beat this.  You Can Do It!!

[dovecottage]

either get help if u need or get to an na meeting nalocator.org or call your local hospital good luck take care

[petroglyph54]

Above where you mentioned that in the absence of valium a rash had appeared, I was thinking I'd never heard of valium being prescribed for a rash. The stress I'll believe. Just need the right cream, I do think you can make that go away. I had a rash for 25 years in the same place and a friend turned me on to some vitamins. The rash went away! So did about ten warts, weird. To bad that vitamin company went out of business.

I do believe in at least trying nutritional cures and country doctor or veterinary cures, what works for animals usually works for people. There has got to be some kick butt alternative medical practitioners around there? Maybe some acupuncture for the anxiety, unwanted desire's?

I'm glad the feeling came back in your foot and arm. That can cause stress as well.

The news here in the states is little more than propaganda with spin. The negativity has been explained as " safe landings don't sell papers". Negative or positive don't exist in isolation, one would not exist without the other. I think we tend to find what we're looking for and then stop searching.

Congratulations on your hiatus from the meds, and this opportunity for clarity.

[tgtiffany]

Ditto.  I hate the news for that reason.  It's nothing positive, EVER!  I hope that you are doing well today Tom and let us know about the N/A meetings okay?! Get your butt up and go to one!!! Have a good day :)

[tingtongtom]

thanks, I shall have a look if there are any NAs close by. The weather on mars is probably more appealing than it is in england, anyway it was only one thing on a long list of things that made me move.
The skin thing is psoriasis and only on certain areas of my scalp, it is really annoying also for your self esteem. You cannot really see it because I at the moment have hair, but it is really something that gets in the way of your life. There is no cure and I have been through different creams/shampoos with little success, putting it lightly. BUT, when I was using high doses of valium, it was totally gone, so I can deduce it is directly linked to anxiety.

The electric shock thing has stopped for now, and I have gained all feeling back in my left arm and right foot. I woke up today with minor back pain, so I guess that is better for now. I really don't know how long ago I last took valium, I guess like 7-10 days or something.  

But yea petro, you are right, it is hard to see the beauty of life when one is not clear minded. We tend to look for faults and remember more negative than positive. Take the news for example, how much of that is positive?

[petroglyph54]

24 Hour Thailand
Narcotics Anonymous Help line

02-231-8080
They've also got a website, just search n/a thailand and it'll give you plenty of info on times,dates locations. It appears there are several in country. It might be a place to meet others of similar mind and language?
I've tried repeatedly to paste more info or a clickable link, It just isn't working. It's more of that analog man in a digital world thing.
How are you feeling now? Did the shock where off, other symtoms? Keeping the anxiety at a distance I hope.
If n/a isn't for you than it isn't. I've met a few recovering addicts for whom aa didn't fit well either. But the price is right and the toughest meeting is always the first. The website will give you all the info on what its' about as far as whether or not it's a christian organization, if you go and they start preaching...call them on it. There probably just a bunch of addicts anyway. The meeting you went to might have been infiltrated by some worship group or something, it's best to be aware wherever we travel. The success of addicts helping addicts is without parallel.
You mention one reason for leaving the uk was the weather, out of curiosity is it better now? I wanted something different for years, then moved to Alaska. Funny thing, when searching for something different you won't know you're there, till you are in it. I suppose that's how thailand is, different. If you decide to move again, know that there are warmer and drier places.
On that skin rash, try hydrocortisone, rub it in and put whatever size band aid you need over it for a couple days. The steroid kicks butt on many skin rashes. Even preperationH I believe now has hydrocortisone in it.
That wanderlust urge had me for years, have you thought about taking up sailing and trying to live aboard? Great way of life!
I guess I need to stay on dope topic here to not get bumped. So it sounds like you are doing really well by not using. Lots of things out there that are better than dope, and it helps to be clear of mind and spirit to truly enjoy them. The opportunity's for diversity and pleasure are vast. We want you to have peace, to be one with everything. Keep coming back and we'll keep trying to help. Be well young man

[tingtongtom]

I just decided that the western world had no place for me in a sense, and the way of life in the UK was getting me down. Slowly grinding away at me for a couple of years, the mentality of people, the weather, the economy etc.
So I simply left uni and moved to thailand.

Yea, there is one pharmacy where if I wanted I could buy clonazepan, xanax, temazepam, valium, whatever benzo you want, but when it comes to opiates, the strongest they have without a script is tramadol.

Thanks for those seizure pointers. I have actually full out stopped this time, the last dose I took was 100MG and I cannot remember when that was now...

I am pretty sure it was the bible, maybe I am wrong. Anyways, it was an AA meeting, and my problem is not really alcohol, there isn't any NA meetings anywhere close to here in my knowledge.

[MissMalibu]

Congradulations!!!!!  I know a little about benzo's.  If you stop c/t you can have seizures.  My bro was a big consumer of valuim.  He had the same electric thing going on.  He had to slowly decrease his consumption over a long period of time till he was taking none and then he still had the anxiety for about 1 month.  He went to see a neurologist for that shock thing.  He still to this day has some numbness, but not the shock stuff.  Here is a easy and quick way to see if you have had or are haveing a seisure:
1. Ask them to smile (it should be even)

2. Ask them to speak this simple sentence   "It is sunny out today"  coherently.

3. Raise both arms.

4. Stick out your tounge.  If it is "crooked" goes to one side or the other it is an indicator.

Trouble preforming any of these tasks is an indication that the person has either suffered a seizure or a stroke and needs to get medical attention right away.  Call 911 an ambulance or go to the nearest emergency room.

Best of luck  and you can do this.

[PaigeMc]

They made you read out of a Bible at an AA meeting? Are you sure it wasn't the Big Book of AA? It's about the same size sometimes... And, it's a Higher Power of your understanding. So, AA is geared so that all may attend. I don't have much experience with recovery I am brand new. I just thought I would interject that bit. I worked in a psychiatric hospital, when I was very young and in college. I used to take the patients down to the A.A. & N.A. meetings, when they wanted to attend. I remember this one member saying, "If you have a problem with the only A.A. meeting in town, start your own." I'm sure the group would let you stay, even if you chose Budda as your Higher Power. As an aside, if there's you who believes in Budda there must be other AA/NA who are Buddists too. And, "You are not unique, look for the similarities!" I heard that a lot too. WOW! They sell Benzos without a prescription? I'll admit, that must be hard. If you don't mind my asking, why are you so far away from home? Are you in the Military? Best of lucK Tom

[petroglyph54]

Over here that would read like 155/119.... with 90 being the pulse, and here they put a clip on your finger to get an 02 reading on your blood. That bp was plenty high for them to have said something to you about it. Pulse was a bit fast. It could all be from detoxing, which raises your bp. Your liver is up by your rib cage and goes clear across the body, and initially to determine anything wrong there you need a blood test. I think you need one anyway.
I know nothing of benzos other than what I read here, even the term elludes me. I'm sure I've taken a few. My understanding is they are supposed to be tapered off of or there is risk of seizure. Look closely at your urine or stool for any sign of blood. It sounds like you need medical help to at least have peace of mind. Keep pushing  the fluids, rinse out your organs. To save your self at this point it looks as those you are going to need professional help. And you need you to help as well if your going to pull through this. This may well be your best opportunity to save your life that your going to get. It seems that you  respect the fact that you may have done some serious damage, find out so you don't have to worry about it. Hey, I'm looking forward to you getting better, so keep posting, ok?

[tingtongtom]

There were 3 numbers i have here from the blood pressure results, in this order, 155, 119, 90.
It is kind of ironic that 2 years ago when I was in england still, then not abusing benzos but using other drugs, I turned down free therapy. Now, I have tried so hard to get it and every time I just get shut down.

Looks like you got a lucky escape as well, what are those significant others there for ey :P

I have no plan really. I just know what is happening and will happen now I have stopped valium. My anxiety will or has returned and will increase, there is a small area where i have a skin problem and it went away whilst using valium and has began to return. I just need to find some sort of confidence and stay away from those blue pills.

The back pain has been there on and off at different degrees when stopping or at least after that night of the seizure. Maybe it is my liver, its in that sort of area anyway, and only when I have woken up.

[petroglyph54]

The way they measure bp, at least here in the states is a two # reading, I think it's sistolic and diastolic so it's like 120/70. Those would be good #'s. I'm not familiar with the way it's read there? Could the 90 have been pulse?
Have you  ever heard of the Marx  brother's? Comedy from the old days, I think two of them died from aspirating on their own vomit. I know that almost happened to me once, but like you I was lucky and a gf, finally after seeing me vomit and swallow a few times, turned me to the side and got a basket for me to puke in. Apparently even passed out I didn't want to make a mess.
Good for you for staying away from the valium! Do you have a plan here? Do you intend to continue or stop or what?
On the back pain, who know's? Is it getting worse or better or staying the same, can you tell is it's emanating from your spine or kidney? Drinking lots of good water can't hurt, flush out the body. If your body is dependant on the drugs, there will be low back pain when stopping. Will heat or ice help? Good luck

[tingtongtom]

Thanks guys, I appreciate all of your words and comments.

I have just got back from a tough bike ride to the hospital to be told the physiologist will not be back until the 13th, owel, 6am wake up and early for my 8am appointment, got some exercise I guess.. They took my blood pressure though, it was at 90, I dunno if that is high.

I have been following buddhism for a few years now, so yea the 8 fold path and 4 noble truths is pretty prominent in my mind. These 2 things are often where you start as a buddhist, but also where you end. They are pretty important.

My gf was telling me yesterday about the night where I MAY have had that seizure. I have no memory at all of the night or day after, but she said my lips were blackish and I was kind of choking on my vomit with my eyes rolling in the back of my head. I think if it was not for her actually being there, maybe I would not be here now, she took care of me that night and kept coming home the next day in between work.

I still am not taking valium, but have noticed how withdrawn from society I have started to become. It takes courage to go outside, if at all. I also often wake up with lower back pain, but it is mainly to the right, then again I sleep on my right side.

[petroglyph54]

I get what ajahn said about enlightenment. I've at least known it at one time or another. The same is true for sleep, or relaxation. Those things cannot be forced, they have to be relaxed into. Ah the irony. When we want things to happen, we can't "make" it happen, we have to "let it". Ken Wilbur "No boundary" says, things only exist in their relationship to their opposites. Ex, without black there wouldn't be white, cold hot, heads tails.

I had/have the electric shock thingy. But I also have nerve damage in my neck and low back. It has gotten better if only temporary, I don't know. It seems to run from my low back to my right foot at this time, can be very annoying. I likened it to about 60 volts or so, and almost constant for quite a while. The shock part is better, but the nerve damage etc, is still there. My leg is either numb or asleep or some other metaphor, and half of my left hand is numb or asleep. I don't know if it came from the brutality of wd's, the narcotics themselves or the nerve? Don't know but I guess that could be similar to a stroke? I think though with stroke it leaves some paralysis, often in the facial muscles which you might not see but someone else could.

You probably already have seen this, but here goes.

The Four Noble Truths:
The Buddha's Four Noble Truths explore human suffering. They may be described (somewhat simplistically) as:

Dukkha: Suffering exists: (Suffering is real and almost universal. Suffering has many causes: loss, sickness, pain, failure, the impermanence of pleasure.)
  
Samudaya: There is a cause for suffering. (It is the desire to have and control things. It can take many forms: craving of sensual pleasures; the desire for fame; the desire to avoid unpleasant sensations, like fear, anger or jealousy.)
  
Nirodha: There is an end to suffering. (Suffering ceases with the final liberation of Nirvana (a.k.a. Nibbana). The mind experiences complete freedom, liberation and non-attachment. It lets go of any desire or craving.)
  
Magga: In order to end suffering, you must follow the Eightfold Path.

Eightfold Path:
The Buddha's Eightfold Path consists of:

Panna: Discernment, wisdom: 1) Samma ditthi Right Understanding of the Four Noble Truths
2) Samma sankappa: Right thinking; following the right path in life



Sila: Virtue, morality: 3) Samma vaca: Right speech: no lying, criticism, condemning, gossip, harsh language
4) Samma kammanta Right conduct by following the Five Precepts
5) Samma ajiva: Right livelihood; support yourself without harming others



Samadhi: Concentration, meditation: 6) Samma vayama Right Effort: promote good thoughts; conquer evil thoughts
7) Samma sati Right Mindfulness: Become aware of your body, mind and feelings  
8) Samma samadhi Right Concentration: Meditate to achieve a higher state of consciousness

The one thing I'm sure about is that quitting narcotics is always easier when it's the other guy going thru it! We can all think faster then someone else can do. I think you have much to contribute to this world in this life. "The force is strong within you"[Obie wan kanobe.]
Be Well,,,,,,[me]

[quitinoxys]

Hey TingTongTom I just have one name for you to google Karen Ann Quinlan!! After you google and read her story I hope you can understand what is ahead for you if you don't stop Drinkin & Druggin. God Bless---Rick

[tgtiffany]

Don't know about the electric pulse thing.  It's hard to say but I'm pretty sure it might have something to do with the seizures and all the pills, your chemicals in your brain are all changing and screwed up and it changes your brain permanently too.  

I really like petroglyph54's post.  I think a lot of what he's telling you will help you.  Even though you probably already have been told and/or already know it.  Are the drugs helping your problem, or causing them?  I think it might be more of the latter now, maybe at one point they helped, I don't doubt that at all, but not so much anymore.  

Glad you're listening, hope you start taking some positive action soon though!

[tingtongtom]

with the words of the wise ajahn chah, ''if you strive for enlightenment you will never reach it, clinging/striving is attachment = suffering.''

but yea, it is easy to say just stop, it is easy to say give up everything. By the way, does anybody know about these feelings that are quite strange, physical feelings. I feel like electrical pulses run through me at times today. Kind of like if you touch an electric fence if you ever have done, but a little less.

I am listening, do not think otherwise

[MissMalibu]

Tom,
You are still asking, they are still answering, but you are still not listening.  Please no more excuses!  Get with the program!  You say you are a Buddhist?  And belive in enlightment? and Karma?  Then detox your body, mind and soul as Buddha did 2,500 years ago. Give it all up for the sake of your belief.  It does not matter how long it takes just so long as it happens in this life time.  How can you reach your state of Enlightenment with a clouded mind?  Take the weekend and contemplate not black out.

[tingtongtom]

Thanks for the buddhism research by the way. Karma is not so simple, it is in fact impossible for unenlightened beings to understand. It runs through life time after time, and in buddhism it is not reincarnation but rebirth. But anyway, your actions you do now can cause karma that ripens today, or 2moro, or in 1,0000 life times. The same as now, you may be affected by karma you created yesterday, or 1,000 times ago, it is impossible to know. BUT, of course using drugs will generate bad karma, and karma is like sowing seeds, they fall sometimes on infertile soil with rocks and stones, some fall on fertile soil. The fruit of the seed ripens when the conditions are correct.

@gnarly,no seriously I don't use everyday, I have not used today or yesterday or the day before that. My anxiety has returned and it would be easy to just go and buy 100MG right now.. Thank you for the seizure info as well, I will keep your words in mind. I am going to the physiologist on monday, 8am.

Have a good weekend all

[gnarly_1]

HI Tom sounds lie you had a seizure to me also.....it was only a mater of time people get them from taking 3 to 5 pills then stopping your use has been off the charts if you cant see a physiologist then see a regular dr and tell them the truth the seizure risk is still out there till yout weened off this stuff properly personally and speaking from experience with them
I believe your still using everyday.....with benzos thats just the way it is you dont do200mg here skip a few days then 200 more there your withdrawals would be threw the roof
this is one drug I dont ever care to be on...im bi/polar and here in the states they treat it with benzos so I have been there not to the abuse level you have been at but I understand the withdrawal and how you feel with out them....Tom its time toend this thing b/4 it kills you
your reaching out for help but theres know ez way off only slow tapers its time you do whats right and make a serious effort to get free of this stuff.......Gnarly  

[petroglyph54]

The Buddha said it was more important to take steps to end your suffering than to follow endless discussions on the ‘true’ nature of God (and other such unanswerable questions).

Glad your back. Since my first post to you I had to go read on some Buddhism. Lots of good stuff there. I agree you cutting back is improvement, there is some theory out there about doing less harm. Hang on a second let me see if I can attach another.

Buddhism teaches that in an interconnected world, all actions have consequences (karma). The consequences of acts undertaken in this and earlier lifetimes will be felt in a next one, in a process known as reincarnation. It is a Buddhist aim to educate oneself and meditate in order to escape from this cycle of rebirth, to enter Nirvana.

OK, I'm done with the attachment's for now. I never could of done it without your help [dave125] it's tough to be an analog man in a digital world.

The truth you seek is within. I just made that up, but it's true.
What are we gonna do here Tom? I wondered for my first thirty years if maybe I'd done something really, really wrong in a past life. Thankfully it's turned around.

Some things just are, I don't know how else to say it. Even "normal people" have anxiety, questions about self worth, esteem. Some of the mental stuff is just the way it is for everybody at one time or another. Depression, everybody has it sometime.

Are the drugs helping you with the problems now or causing them? I know things look different clean. I'm just a hundred days plus from way to much oxy, but my mind is starting to function in my behalf again, and things are different. And for the better. There just isn't much joy or enlightenment when your wasted, know what I mean? I won't dis you for dosing, but I wish you'd get clean for awhile and clear of mind and figure out if drugging hard is the way to nirvana. Welcome back Tom

[tingtongtom]

me and my gf are close and never feel uncomfortable in any situation together if you understand what i mean. She was also drunk, but no meds and is just a helpful person...  if my gf was obviously very intoxicated and she was being sick everywhere, i would clean it up and help.

Moving on from that, I have had anxiety in different forms and to different degrees since about 10-11. My mum and dad split when I was 7 so it probably has something to do with that. I remember being about 10-12 and if my mum would say go to the shop, I would be pining looking out of the window to wait for her, if she was a bit late I would start to get anxious and often went to the shop.
Then when I got a bit older, say maybe 13-14, I started to have pretty hard hypochondria. That went onto about the age of 19 and then I started getting social anxiety.