Needing encouragement

[Jennibean]

I have been lurking on this site for a couple months but this is my first post. I would come here when I was running out of my scripts thinking of quitting and when I had a new refill you would never find me here because I was in denial. I have been taking Vicodin for the past 8 months everyday and lately I have been taking (12) 5/500 or (8) 7/750. I occasionally had scripts of percocet in there too. It started with a back injury and when that was feeling better my gall bladder started giving me alot of pain. It took them a couple months to diagnose my gall bladder problem but I had it removed on Jan 8 and I guess you could say I am pain free. So natuarlly time to stop taking pain medicaition. Well that proved impossible!! If I woke up without any I was so depressed and I would go to any Dr or Dentist to get more. So I wrote my Dr a letter telling him about my problem and I sat there as he read it. I knew I was bringing my main supply to an end but I had to. His solution was to give me oxycontin so I wouldn't have the ups and downs because it lasts 12 hours, he gave me a small dose of 10mg's and took me to take it for 10 days and then every other day for 5 days. Hmm yeah right you know that was gone in just 3 days! From there I hit urgent cares and dentists and suddenly this past Sunday I didn't feel like going and waiting 3 hours at urgent care. I decided I would finally quit, well I was so sick I couldn't take care of my child my hudsbad had to lift her because my back hurt so bad. The diarreah has been awful so I keep immodium next to me at all times. But the worst part was trying to go to sleep. I tried everything but to no avail, my legs and arms were flying all over the place, I was SO aware of my feet it was unreal, guess they had been somewhat numb for 8 months. After  not sleeping I knew I needed to go back to my Dr and ask for more help or I would just go find some Vicodin because the feeling of withdrawl was unbearable. So my Mom came over and I went to the Dr, he gave me a script for Ativan and that is going to help me I think, It stops me from having panick attacks and most importantly stops my feet from jumping around. I told him no more opiates! I was afraid he would try more of that and after one night of detox I know I never want to start this again. I don't drink or do recreational drugs, I didn't go into this looking to get high I did it because I was in pain. I am no longer in pain and I need to stop taking these things because they are affecting my life, haven't made love to my husband in 8 months, my Mom and Brother's and sister are all worried about me thinking somehow I have changed but not knowing why, I thought they made me feel normal how I was suuposed to feel but after just three days, the colors are brighter and the way I think truly is different. I have a LONG way to go which Is why I finally decided to post. 3 days is NOTHING compared to the 8 months I was on them. I still feel awful and am wondering when this will go away. Like a bad flu almost but I know the Ativan are helping. I only have those for 10 days though so I hope it gets better soon. Will I ever have that feeling of well being again without vicodin? I took 2 and knew my life was fine everything was fine..LOL now I am not so sure and I am scared!
When will I wake up happy again? I used to say people who did drugs were idiots and I LOVED feeling normal. I can remember saying it but don't remember what normal feels like! Thank you for listening, I really hope I can do this. I have never tried before because I never really want to quit, I want to take them for the rest of my life!

[Brighty]

Thank you for telling Andy about your hip replacement and the pain issue. I am very humbled when I come to this board... I realize that my challenges are small compared to others. This must be God's way of letting me know the cross He gave me is just right for me and to not complain !! You are blessed to have a supportive husband also. God love him !! Well as far as leaving the country.... when I first came to this forum about 10 months ago there was a guy from Italy named Steve who posted here...  he was on buprenorphine to wean off his opiate addiction and he simply got them in pill form from his doctor... no shame.. no struggle. He had been on them for a couple of months for maintenance.... I know this is what Tom is praying for and so are the rest of us... he said that chronic pain sufferers were on the drug also and able to live normal lives. We shoud be so enlightened here!! I will remember you in my prayers... boy, sometimes I fall asleep before I finish praying but I think it still counts :-)) Love, Brighty

[Brighty]

Hi Andy,

My problem ( and believe me problem is a mild word) is that my 21 ( to be 22 in a few days) year old daughter was actively addicted to heroin for 3 years but as of March 7 will have one year clean. She did not become addicted because of chronic pain but for other reasons... not knowing addiction was something that happened to good ,pretty people like her, being impulsive, being bright but not knowing how bright she was NOT, discovering the "cool" people, and the general reality of why kids use drugs... they're availabe and being purveyed like Polo cologne and Calvin Klein jeans... for profit and to create return customers... you know.. slavery. The other reasons may be her underlying mood disorders... anxiety,depression and also unresloved conflict or trauma.. childhood sexual assault that she never told her dad or me about. I will be a regular on this board for a year come April. As Annie said, everyone here is compassionate, willing to share and help others, and all are genuinely good and Godly human beings carrying big burdens and still forging on with incredible spirit. I feel that by  coming here I have found hope and acceptance. Even though I have no chemical addictions I am treated with kindness and respect and offered the very best information and support that I could hope for. I can't tell my best friends what I can talk about here. I think you will find that this board will be a source of comfort and just plain good information to you. No doctor will be able to tell you what these folks will. I will pray for your healing. Hope you stay with us. Love, Brighty

[PS >>>>Annie]

Thanks!....I agree w/ you 100%.  What can we do??  Just battle w/ it,  and hope that we dont find ourselves in a precarious situation.

[PS >>>>Annie]

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you.  On top of everything else I had a root canal (gone bad) yesterday.  I peaked in for a few minutes, but wasnt able to stay.
Thank you for responding.  Sorry to hear about the problems your having.  I know someone who is declared legally blind.  He's had a lot of trouble.  I can only imagine what you are going through and the choice you've had to make.  What is the long term prognosis.  Will you HAVE to remove it one day???  I'm glad you have a compassionate doctor.  They are few and far between, where I live.  Have you looked into treatments in the U.S.?  
I will tell you what the doctors tell me:  "technology is increased every two years, and there will be advancements in these areas that are sure to benefit you."  See I will need a hip replacement, and I'm in my early thirties.  They will only do hip replacements on someone over 50.  They dont last.  Esp. on an active person.  So I'm left to battle the doctors and the "pain demons".  As I said before, I always have hope when I read a story like yours.  My husband tells me, "if it ever gets really bad (the pain), we will move out of the country, before letting you suffer!"  Pretty drastic, I know.  Well keep in touch, and read this forum.  I came hear out of curiosity and look what happend.  There are GREAT PEOPLE ON THIS FORUM, with very distinctive, compassionate, informed and just plain old carring personalities.  They are all unique and offer a great deal in their own ways, to this site.  They ARE the forum!

[Andy]

Thank you for your comment, would you mind if I asked what is your problem? I haven't been to this site much so sorry if it is listed in a post further down.

Andy

[Brighty]

Thanks so much for the lovely valentine's sentiment !! It felt really good to be included... I hope you find what you need.... I am still baffled by the way hurting people are put in a position of having to justify their needs and then risking criminal activity when they have to resort to the only tactics left to them. God bless you. Brighty