In Shock and Mourning

[wanttobeclean]

I am having an incredibly hard time.  Having only recently started to attend 12 step meetings, I had found one I felt comfortable in, mostly because it was a rather small group.  About 8-10 regulars.  Last week, I met one person for the first time.  I'll call him Ned.  He has been struggling with the demon of opiate addiction for years, had been in recovery for the last 3 years, but with intermittent relapses.  Never enough that he went to rehab.  He had gotten into some trouble with the law and was being monitored closely for continued use with frequent urine screens. Seemed he had things under control recently.  His wife and he had their first child last year.  He had gotten a new job that he had just started last week.  But he shared during that meeting last week that he still thought about his DOC constantly and was struggling with ways to be at peace off the drugs.  He had missed several meetings and was hoping that by coming back to the meetings, he could ease the cravings.

Being relatively close in age and not knowing each others' stories, he and I chatted for a while after the meeting.  

I found out today that less than 24 hours after that meeting, he overdosed on fentanyl and died.  

The emotions I am going through right now run the entire range.  I'm incredibly sad for him, his wife and young son.  And I'm scared.  Scared that after 3 years of recovery, addiction can still have that degree of control over you.  Part of me thinks for fleeting seconds, "what's the use?  I'm going to relapse anyway".  I know that is my disease talking, and not right.  

This just absolutely confirms in my mind how deadly this disease can be, and how I have to constantly, every day do whatever I need to to stay ahead of it.  

Even in the midst of this clear example of how drugs and addiction can kill, I also want to numb up...I want to have a drink or a pill and make it go away.  I won't.  But the sick, crazy part of me that got me into this mess wants to so bad.  

I'm sorry if this post is a bit scattered and all over the place.  I just need to get this all out there.  

Please say a prayer for my friend, his family, me and all of us fighting this battle every day.  

[Jebs317]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I am so sorry for all of us who have to suffer with this every day...........but we have each other to lean on and support.  
I will pray for you, your NA/AA group and his wife and young son.

[j34]

My thoughts are with you and his family today ,This is so true tho addiction kills!! We only have today !!!!!!!!!!! Live life to the fullest ,dont let small things get you down,love as you have never loved before,tell somebody you love that you are wrong ,make amends live the program and be happy joyous and free!!!! I love the program it has given me a life. but always when there is a moment of silence I remember who I really am an addict who for just TODAY has had the relief from active addiction.

[TroubledDude]

I'm so sorry to hear about this, it's a sad ending to what could have been a great comeback. It does show that relapse can be deadly as when we are in a low moment and use again we forget that our tolerances have diminished and we are literally taking a lethal dose. God bless you and his family!!

[dominosarah]

Im sending you a long distance hug my friend~~~~~~sara

[wanttobeclean]

Found out some more information today. He started using fentanyl in 2005, got caught in 2006 and was clean for about 3 months.  Since then it has been a serious of "slips" and "relapses"  I spent quite a while on the phone last night with other members of my small NA/AA group, trying to sort my feelings out in my head.  One of them (clean and sober about 5 years now) said that he had one of the most "malignant" cases of this disease he has seen and even with lots of repurcussions, he was still finding ways to use and stay under the radar... even while claiming sobriety on the outside, to appease the courts.  I found out he was even on Naltrexone (a drug which will prevent you from getting the high when you use).  I hear theories that he probably took more than "usual" because he knew he needed to over come the effects of this drug.  

This just saddens me to no end.  I've called addiction many things and nothing seems bad enough.  It's worse than a demon.  It's worse than the devil.  It stole this man's soul and stole a wife's husband, a child's father, a friend to many.  I hear he was the kind of person that would give a stranger the shirt off his back.  

I have not often been the most spiritual person, but in this moment, I truly feel then hand of God in my life.  I thank Him.  Because..."There, but for the grace of God, go I."

Hug your kids, hug your friends, hug your sponsor, hug your partner. And be entirely grateful for this beautiful day...make the most of this life and second chance we each have been given.

Thanks for letting me ramble here.  

[wanttobeclean]

Gnarly...You know, it is so scary how comfortable we get with drugs that can kill us.  Freakin' totally scary.  It drives home that it's fire we are playing with.  Pure toxic fire...

Ga Guy... You hit the nail right on the head...I have not craved using percocet in a long time...months.  But I am having the worst one now....craving an escape from the emotions I'm going through.  I'm a "wear your heart on your sleeve" kinda person and just feel everything so deeply sometimes, I wonder if I'm normal.  At least I have some tools to get me past this.  I keep "playing the movie" and seeing what will happen if I take a drink or a pill...it will last a couple hours and I'll be right back where I am now...having wasted a few hours of my precious life zoning out.  I don't want to be ungrateful and selfish like that anymore.  I will not do it this time.  

[GA Guy]

And, another thing about this is that you are actually feeling emotions and grieving! It's something we don't do as addicts. Grief is one of those emotions we'd get high over in order to numb the pain. Remember, these uncomfortable feelings is your disease trying to get you to use! Embrace the grief and stay clean.

[gnarly_1]

Hey I just wanted to say im sorry to here about your loss of a friend....with addiction
its a fact of life that we all face if we stay in active addiction ...your friend probably
only took a dose he was use to taking but after being clean 3 yrs his tolerance for
the drug went way down...so what was once a so called safe dose for him became fatal
we all have to look out for relapse we just might wind up O/Ding on a dose we use to be use to...it only takes 1 time to O/D experience don't count in this department it is far
to ez to make a fatal decision when we think all where going to do is get high....
let this be a lesson to all that read it...addiction can be fatal and is for many who get into its trap....Gnarly    

[wanttobeclean]

Thank you.  Your sage words of wisdom are very helpful. You are right.  We are all responsible for our own recovery and behavior.  I have to just accept this, learn from it, be humbled by it, be grateful for my current sobriety and pull closer to my sober friends and support system.  

Thank you so much for being here for me tonight.  

[kona2009]

This is really sad not only for his family but all of us should take a piece of your story with us for the rest of our lives.  It will only make us all fight harder because of what you just said about someone who was an addict like us all.  Don't ever give up yourself this is your oppurtunity to help ohters like you just did.  I will pray his baby will get the chance to grow happy with his/her momma.  May GOD bless them both forever.

Kona

[vicki595]

Very,very sad.  Does make one question everything...I felt this way when Thomas(of the Thomas Recipe) died.  I never met him but felt as though I lost a friend. And he was sooo smart.  A guru...

We are all responsible for our own recovery and for slaying our demons. Everyones issues and tolerance is different. All brains are different and healing occurs at diferent levels for each of us.

Don't take anything...this is part of life and must be faced and dealt with. Learn from it.
To me, acceptance is everything in life...

Take care...good that you posted and got your feelings out   :)

Vicki  xo

[GA Guy]

I've encountered similar things at meetings. It's tough to get close to people and have them relapse or worse. It makes you sad, mad, and empathetic all at the same time. the only thing you can do is to pray for him and his family and keep coming back. This is a chronic disease with no cure. And, it IS most always fatal if not treated. So, use this opportunity to keep going to those meetings and help the ones that can be helped. It's the giving back and listening to these stories that keeps us clean. God bless and you and your friend are in my prayers.