Aa
On the road once again....
Hi all, it has been a long time since I came here. I have to admit I thought that after a year of sobriety I wouldn't have to be. But, here I am. I have bee having a very, very stressful few months. MY mother passed away on August 22nd, my husband has been unemployed for over 8 months and when he got a job, we had to move right after mom's death and it was very hard, our car was delayed in shipping and was vandalized on the way, money that was supposed to go from his new job to the apartment complex to pay our first and deposit never got there and we were almost evicted before we even got there...
To make a long story a little shorter, my migraines hit with a vengeance and the only thing my doctor would give me was vicodin (my DOC) as well as xanax to keep me calm. The Vicodin scared me I admit, I should have said no but I thought, it was the lowest dose and I wouldn't take it very often and truth be told I didn't. The xanax, again, lowest dose and I honestly do not take it unless I truly need it. I was given these pills on August 26th.
Last night, after two nights of not having any vicodin in me, but having taken two the last night I did, I awoke with several symptoms of withdrawals. I was shaking, twitching, sweaty, feeling very nauseated but it was not as bad as my initial withdrawal symptoms. I immediately tossed the vocodin out. I am angry I let myself take it again after so long without it but I admit, it curbed the pain and I know I did not abuse it. But it is what it is. My husband tells me that the addiction is always there. My body was craving it even though I was resisting and keeping it out of my mind. I thought I had won. Even that little bit made the hunger roar to life again. It makes me ill to think about it. I honestly thought I was not..I don't even know how to politely say it.
I never thought I was a hard core addict. Even others here told me they were shocked because I never took more than was prescribed but it was my prolonged usage that made me an addict. They say once an addict, always an addict and now I know it is true. Forgive me please for failing you all who supported me here last year. I will get through this and I swear that this time, I will never take that nasty drug again.
But I also need to ask, is it possible that I could have garnered an addiction to the xanax in so little time? I do not take it every day and when I do take it, it is half of a 0.5mg tablet. I have never taken more than one half in a day, I never felt I needed that. I just want to make sure if I take one to help with my nerves it won't just prolong my withdrawals as I could be addicted to it too? My husband doesn't believe I am because I have always told him when I was taking one and in 5 weeks I've had them, I still have 22 pills out of 30. I'm sure I'm just being paranoid about it and most likely have not formed an addiction to the xanax too but I just want to be very careful because it does help settle my panic attacks down completely.
Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated.
To make a long story a little shorter, my migraines hit with a vengeance and the only thing my doctor would give me was vicodin (my DOC) as well as xanax to keep me calm. The Vicodin scared me I admit, I should have said no but I thought, it was the lowest dose and I wouldn't take it very often and truth be told I didn't. The xanax, again, lowest dose and I honestly do not take it unless I truly need it. I was given these pills on August 26th.
Last night, after two nights of not having any vicodin in me, but having taken two the last night I did, I awoke with several symptoms of withdrawals. I was shaking, twitching, sweaty, feeling very nauseated but it was not as bad as my initial withdrawal symptoms. I immediately tossed the vocodin out. I am angry I let myself take it again after so long without it but I admit, it curbed the pain and I know I did not abuse it. But it is what it is. My husband tells me that the addiction is always there. My body was craving it even though I was resisting and keeping it out of my mind. I thought I had won. Even that little bit made the hunger roar to life again. It makes me ill to think about it. I honestly thought I was not..I don't even know how to politely say it.
I never thought I was a hard core addict. Even others here told me they were shocked because I never took more than was prescribed but it was my prolonged usage that made me an addict. They say once an addict, always an addict and now I know it is true. Forgive me please for failing you all who supported me here last year. I will get through this and I swear that this time, I will never take that nasty drug again.
But I also need to ask, is it possible that I could have garnered an addiction to the xanax in so little time? I do not take it every day and when I do take it, it is half of a 0.5mg tablet. I have never taken more than one half in a day, I never felt I needed that. I just want to make sure if I take one to help with my nerves it won't just prolong my withdrawals as I could be addicted to it too? My husband doesn't believe I am because I have always told him when I was taking one and in 5 weeks I've had them, I still have 22 pills out of 30. I'm sure I'm just being paranoid about it and most likely have not formed an addiction to the xanax too but I just want to be very careful because it does help settle my panic attacks down completely.
Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated.
Hang in there and know that everyone is here for you. Everyone here wants you to succeed. You can get through this although I know it is tough. I will say a prayer for you.
I was very honest with this doctor about my addiction but he still wrote me the script. He told me to use it sparingly and I thought in all honesty that I could and I really thought I was. The feelings started coming back and I made the decision to stop and flush the rest because I knew I was headed for trouble and I am having many withdrawal symptoms. I think I dodged a major bullet because as this is day three now of new sobriety, I am actually feeling far better than I did the first time I went through this. Not great, but I know I can get through it. They say days 3 & 4 are the worst and then it goes down hill from there instead of trying to walk up a steep one.
Hi honey, sorry things are rough right now. I am so sorry about your mother, I lost mine a few months ago and it's just plain hard. There's a permanent mama-shaped hole in your heart for sure. Do try to think of the good or funny things about her, smile as much as possible when you think of her, talk to her, and cry when you need to. I was taught in nursing school that it takes a full two years to properly mourn someone you love--and it's true.
A person who sustains a brain injury is a brain injury for life. Once an addict, always an addict. Why? Because you have a brain injury. When you change your brain chemistry through drugs, some of the damage is permanent. Even if you think you are back at 100%, you are most assuredly not. Your main pleasure center in your brain is in the part called the limbic system. And the limbic system governs memory, emotion, and pleasure (particularly sex and drugs---really!), as well as many other areas. It's basically a big old wire ball of id! You disrupted how your body experiences pleasure by taking drugs. It takes two years for a head injury patient to heal as much as he/she is going to. Same with addicts, although again, you might heal to a very high function level. However, being the center of both memory and emotion, your limbic system has a permanent, non-erasable record of what you experienced on drugs, especially all the parts you liked best. You will always have some residual damage. All you need is a weak moment, and that limbic system is gonna BROADCAST! So addicts must always remain vigilant; even after years, a former addict can relapse.
I don't think you have an addiction to Xanax at all, but because of how rough things have been for you lately, I'd continue to be very, very careful with it. It'd be very easy to slide right into a big ol' benzo problem on top of everything else. I am very proud of you for ditching that Lortab! Take care, and let us know how things are going. I pray that you will have happiness in abundance very soon!
A person who sustains a brain injury is a brain injury for life. Once an addict, always an addict. Why? Because you have a brain injury. When you change your brain chemistry through drugs, some of the damage is permanent. Even if you think you are back at 100%, you are most assuredly not. Your main pleasure center in your brain is in the part called the limbic system. And the limbic system governs memory, emotion, and pleasure (particularly sex and drugs---really!), as well as many other areas. It's basically a big old wire ball of id! You disrupted how your body experiences pleasure by taking drugs. It takes two years for a head injury patient to heal as much as he/she is going to. Same with addicts, although again, you might heal to a very high function level. However, being the center of both memory and emotion, your limbic system has a permanent, non-erasable record of what you experienced on drugs, especially all the parts you liked best. You will always have some residual damage. All you need is a weak moment, and that limbic system is gonna BROADCAST! So addicts must always remain vigilant; even after years, a former addict can relapse.
I don't think you have an addiction to Xanax at all, but because of how rough things have been for you lately, I'd continue to be very, very careful with it. It'd be very easy to slide right into a big ol' benzo problem on top of everything else. I am very proud of you for ditching that Lortab! Take care, and let us know how things are going. I pray that you will have happiness in abundance very soon!
Hey Storm good to see you .......wish it where on better terms but these pills will take us down evey time we think we can take them.....hows that saying go.....''1 to many and 1000 never enough'' ....I still deal with back pain and its very tempting sometime to ask for more then ibuprofen but my doctor and I discus my sobriety every time im in there I do it as a safety measure so as if I am ever week and ask it will throw up a red flag and he wont rite a script for me 13 more day and I got 2yrs off methadone.....well you know what you got to do force the fluids hot baths and walk away from it and NEVER GO BACK
it su c ks to have chronic pain and be an addict but im right there with you
I did abuse the pills though once I felt that euphoria I was sunk the main think now is to pick yourself up mentally this destroys you in the mind
thoughts of failure and shame can overwhelm you just the addict title is enough to do you in you just got to pick yourself up dust yourself off and move forward and learn an important lessen one think I have learned coming to this forum is you can never drop your guard and it dosent mater how much clean time you got I have seen people with 10yr fall back into it this is something we all will share for life on a brighter note I know you can do this and your going to be fine you did it b/4 so chin up and walk this thing out I wish you all the best in your recovery good luck and God bless.......Gnarly
it su c ks to have chronic pain and be an addict but im right there with you
I did abuse the pills though once I felt that euphoria I was sunk the main think now is to pick yourself up mentally this destroys you in the mind
thoughts of failure and shame can overwhelm you just the addict title is enough to do you in you just got to pick yourself up dust yourself off and move forward and learn an important lessen one think I have learned coming to this forum is you can never drop your guard and it dosent mater how much clean time you got I have seen people with 10yr fall back into it this is something we all will share for life on a brighter note I know you can do this and your going to be fine you did it b/4 so chin up and walk this thing out I wish you all the best in your recovery good luck and God bless.......Gnarly
one more thing. So simple but highly effective: Deep breathing exercisizes...Lay on your bed..floor whateverr..fill your stomach (inflate) and hold a second..then slowly exhale flatttening our tummy. Even filling your lungs and slowly exhaling helps. Try it!
Im just wondering by the first post if you were honest with the Dr. from the start. Did the doctor know you had a problem with pain pills and still wrote it? They usually wont if your upfront with them, there are other things they can give you.
Good..just wanted to make sure you were not offended. yes, this place has been a God send for me. I trust that I will be ok..no doubt. Though I don't expect it to be easy. If I can warm someone off before they have to worry..then I'm happy to do that. I am beyond tired..hopefully will get some sleep. Good night Storme.
I would never think you were calling me stupid. I just meant I know I can't do this alone. I am fortunate that I am married to a wonderful man who went through this with me last year and knows what to expect of me in the days to come. He has been an amazing support system as my entire family has.
I am sorry you are alone right now and I do hope you find some help in your town, be it a Pastor or NA meetings, you definitely don't want to go through this alone. Remember too that we are all here and in this together.
I am sorry you are alone right now and I do hope you find some help in your town, be it a Pastor or NA meetings, you definitely don't want to go through this alone. Remember too that we are all here and in this together.
That's REAL hard...her birthday coming up too. Hun, she would not want you to pick up because of this. She loved and she still does...she'd want you to have a god life..and nothing good can come of using chemicals...as you know, there are other better ways to cope. I live along..and now I am scrambling to get support...be it counselor, Pastor..whatever..or I end up going to a hospital..I don;'t know yet. But yikes...these things are brutal. I was just reading about Amy WInehouse..and it was tranquilizers in her blood stream...she was w/ding on her own.(so her father said). I hope you don't think was calling you stupid..definitely not..I was sober for 9 yrs (alcohol) and umm stopped going to meetings ..had to do a long medical treatment..was prescribed these..and here I am alone. I need people or I know I won't succeed.
Thank you for responding. It has been a very hard road these past weeks. My mom was only 69, she would have been 70 on the 12th. I am trying other ways to get through all of the stress, exercise is definitely one of those ways. I am fairly certain I am not addicted to the xanax at this time and I have watched a few videos of people w/d too and OMG it was horrifying. I am going to seek a new NA meeting here in town and also begin talking to a therapist as soon as I get all the new insurance details. I am not that stupid as to think I can handle the enormous amount of stress I am under alone.
I'm pretty new to all this...w/d and all, but like you...I never went beyond my script(s) have been opiate free for 46 days..and now I find that xanax (benzos) can be very difficult to get off of...must taper..all of that. Of course I have been on it 1 mg often only .5 mg a day for 4 yrs. I am somewhat (understatement) concerned about w/d's. I have been doing alot of research and bottom line is that xanax..and other benzos should only be prescribed for severe panic attacks..other major psych issues..for not longer than 1 week. .5 mg when it comes to xanax is not so small a dose but I think you will be fine...you have only taken a few. But, honestly, if I knew then what I know now..about Gamma Receptors and how this not only effects your brain, but also physically and how very addicting it is...I never would have filled a script. It is now actually causing me to be anxious...ain't that a trip? After prolonged use ..it causes panic..it can cause agoraphobia and anxiety. (this is clinically proven)So hun, I would get some Valerian Tea...do yoga..anything alternative to get rid of stress..but not taken xanax for any length of time. I'm sorry about your Mom..I can imagine (nd I do..Mother is 81) the pain of losing her..the stress of moving period..But the answer is not medicating..it's talking to people...(NA?) it's learning coping skills..all that good stuff. I hope I am not coming across to hard..but I'm in the midst of this..researching how to do this best because of health issues. All the info. so far has been pretty scary...like not to even try to do it by yourself..that someone must be aware and understand what I am going to experience..I wenton Youtube and watched some people w/ding ..scared the blank out of me. You are not there..I'm telling you only because many Dr.s are not even aware of the difficulties..the enormous pain..that benzo w/d can cause. Best be safe.
I hope everything calms down..and you enjoy your new residence.
I hope everything calms down..and you enjoy your new residence.
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