One pill, two pill, white pill, blue pill

[skillet]

Anyone out there have any advice for someone who has recognized that they have a drug addiction problem, started to go to AA, but has relapsed?  I was doing OK in AA and starting to feel better until I picked up again.  I was prescribed some Percocet and Vicodin for a kidney stone a few weeks ago.  It was like opening the doors to the all you can eat buffet for addicts!  I was able to justify my use for the first day or two, but once the pain subsided I consciously chose to continue using.  Since then, I've started mixing the percs and vicodin or switch to Flexeril and Ativan.  I know that mixing these meds together can be dangerous, but am not thinking safety...just euphoria.  I'm so sick and tired of the manipulation, secrecy and compulsion to do whatever it takes to get high.  I want to be straight out truthful with my wife, but can't stand the reality of disappointing her...again.  I just can't get a bunch of days strung together in sobriety.  I feel like such a hypocrite in AA, sitting and listening to other's stories with which I can relate to, but in the back of my mind planning on when I can get high again.  The progression of drug abuse is only going to lead me further and further down a path I don't want to go down.  I want to regain my own self respect and sanity before it is too late, but I feel extremely stuck in this viscious cycle.  If anyone can relate or has some advice, please post.  Thanks.

[AmberHunter]

i am so proud of everyone on this board!!! up until recently i didn't even know a board like this existed!!! as a matter of fact, i pretty much thought i was the only one who abused opiate medications (and any other type of opiates/alcohol/drugs in general) to get that energy that they give you... i was more sociable (sp) and had a different energy about me that i didn't think i would have w/o the pills...

i have never understood why i would time and time again get tangled up with it... never understood that... i KNOW from experience that life w/o narcotics is the ****!!! i love it!!! i LOVE waking up and not having to worry about getting right! i am free, i do have energy, natural god/dess given energy that is MINE!!! and i like me! i don't like me on narccotics, not really, all the lying and cheating and feeling so dirty and ugly...

it just amazes me how good life can be w/o narcotics and knowing that and going out and ******* it up! (i don't censor myself, sorry! lol!!) i am determined to make it work this time... but i am allowing myself to be human and if i "fail" i am not going to give up... i feel determined and energized for this fight and to be honest i am enjoying it! i never knew how much there was to learn about recovery outside of the 12 steps... going to get that frey book "a million little pieces" this weekend! no matter what!!!! and rational recovery i am going to order if they don't have it already there!

i feel so blessed to have found this board, and everyone on it is so honest and working so hard and all i can tell you, from my personal experience, is THAT IT CAN BE DONE!!! we don't have to be ashamed and miserable and we don't have to continue dying...

i had using dreams last night, and i dreamt about these fish that were constantly losing the water in their tank and all sorts of weird **** and if my mind wants to journey like that while i am asleep it is ok cuz when i wake up and know that i have NOT used, and that i don't even have any fish lol, and that i am in control of what i do today it is freaking great!!! (there, i tried to censor myself)

life is as good as i let it be today!!!! i love you all!! thank you for being here for me!

amber

[ExOxyAddict]

you're welcome.  i'm sure your doc will prescribe you something to help with the nerves.  after the RLS subsides (restless leg syndrome), you may wanna get some L-tyrosine, which helps "pull you back up" because after the nervousness goes away, there's a BIG crash.  please recognize that the crash is a GOOD AND REINFORCING sign:  it's your body telling you that you're well on the way to recovery and the worst is over (4-5 days or so).

ABOVE ALL:

             GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT FOR RECOGNIZING YOUR PROBLEM!!!!  believe it or not, that is THE MOST DIFFICULT part of recovery and it seems that you've reached that stage so congratulate yourself!!!

[lakelady]

Hi everyone, I agree with ExOxy,re: stay away from Oxy! I have valid pain, I've posted before in detail, well anyway, about a year ago my Doctor persuaded me to try 40mg of Oxycontin twice a day, I was also taking my regular pain meds........well I did this for about  2,3 months and then he wanted me to decide which pills I wanted the  oxy or the vics.......very hard decision, but I went for the vics, I was soooooooo sick! Mentally Physically, It was unbelievabley Horrible! Since then he keeps trying to get me back on them, and I refuse. I am only 41 and already in so much pain, I try to use the bare minimum(sometimes) because someday I'm sure I'll be on something much stronger than the Norco I now use, and God for bid what if I were to get Cancer or something, thats when I'd go for the oxy again.......As it is about 1 1/2 years ago I had an abdominal surgery and they could not control my pain......the Doctor's attributed it to my tolerance to opiates........GREAT! Well hope all goes well for you all. I'm really enjoying this board.

[cleo102]

sounds like every one is trying

today was my worst day I knew with even having the methadone tens to split up the days I figured thid weekend would be preetty bad

so far this is day 11 if i can count that high and i am seriously so tired and the rls is so bad i could take a whole bottle of flexeril

i have been using the flexerils a few times a day xanax at nite for bed every other nite temazepan on the alternate nights.i was extremely depressed today thomas's recipe has also helped emmensely.  I truly hate the xanax and i am only taking them every other day because they are so addictive and the knock me out in 30 minutes

i just wish that the old me would surface soon I just dont know how i am going to do every thing that i need to do with the kids with the pain im in.

God Bless and thanks for a place to come where I actually know people will understand what i am going thru.

it even hurts to type.  

2 days longer than when i caved two months ago.

/cleo102

[ExOxyAddict]

i truly feel for you.  the best advice i can give you is wean yourself of it, tell a loved one what you're going through because you're gonna need the support, and bite the bullet.  the silver lining here is once you experience the withdrawal, it will really turn you against further abuse of it because you won't wanna go through it ever again.  i don't mean to scare you by saying all this.  take note: it DOES END and you feel SO much better all around.  i wish you luck!

[ExOxyAddict]

if you'r taking oxycodone now, i highly suggest getting off it at all costs, save for terminal illnesses.  i suffer horriblt from chronic cluster headaches and my neuro had me on approx. 720 mg. of oxy per day!! (24 30 mg. roxicodone.  i was away and ran out and ended up in the hospital...the most horrible experience of my life.  i prayed for death every other minute.  you CAN avoid this by tapering and letting them go.  it's been 4 months for me and i now have my life back.  PLEASE TAKE HEED!